Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A baby girl was named Diot Coke, more than 600 years ago. Researchers at the national archives made the revelation yesterday in their family history magazine, Ancestors. A spokeswoman said, “Diot was a Christian name for girls in the 14^th Century, short for Dionisia. And we have discovered that one girl with the surname Coke was christened Diot in 1379.” Other popular names for girls at the time were, Godelena, Helwise and Idony, and even Philip and Thomas. - There is however no truth to the rumour that she married a Mr Caffeine Free.

Dad, William James was accidentally shot dead during his initiation ceremony for the masons. Albert Eid, conducting the ritual, was supposed to have fired a blank at William’s head. But he pulled out the wrong weapon, a .32 handgun loaded with real bullets, and killed the 47 year old father of two. Eid, 76, was charged with manslaughter after the incident in Long Island, New York. The ritual involves making a loud noise to frighten the new member. - Surely someone shouting Boo! Would be better

A cocky fighter who dared his unfancied opponent to hit him paid the ultimate price when he was knocked clean out. Nate Campbell offered his chin to Robbie "Bomber" Peden during their super-featherweight title eliminator in Temecula, California. Peden didn't need a second asking and promptly sent his rival to the canvas with a vicious left hook. Campbell, the International Boxing Federation's number two-ranked super featherweight, was left with a bruise on his chin and egg on his face. His Australian opponent, while no mug, was clearly coming off second best when the incident happened in the fifth. Campbell, nicknamed the Galaxy Warrior, was ahead on two judges' scorecard and level on the third, with the fight seemingly sewn up. But he couldn't resist a bit of gamesmanship, dropping his hands to his sides and jutting out his chin in defiance. - As they say, it’s not a tickling contest, they are out to hurt each other.

The skyline of Stockport is officially so gloomy that planners ordered two factory chimneys to be painted grey so that they will “blend in.” A council spokesman said the colour would “reduce the impact”. - So there you have it, proof of what we all knew anyway, Stockport’s a shithole.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Residents (including unofficial ones) have been served NOTICE TO QUIT Chez Didsbury, and have to be out by May 1^st.

The above leads to the next Surerandomality event. Friday April 30^th, a leaving party at Chez Didsbury, bring everyone you know and lots of alcohol.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over three weeks ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Insert Title Here. Have you any fucking idea just how difficult it is to come up with issue related titles now that we’re in the sixties? No don’t answer that, it was a rhetorical question. While I’m asking rhetorical questions, have any of you walked through China town during the day? Fuck me it stinks. Now I’m not really into Chinese food anyway, but, if I were wandering round China town during the day would cure me of it. Meanwhile as you may or may not have noticed from the announcements there is another Surerandomality event coming up. Friday 30^th April, it’s the Chez Didsbury leaving party. Basically, bring yourselves, anyone you know, alcohol, and sleeping bags, and if someone can remember an alarm clock it would be useful, as we have to be out by midday on the Saturday. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 5th March – With the usual suspects showing no inclination to leave the Chez Didsbury living room, Squirrel wandered out to meet G Man and Amanda in the Dog & Partridge. After a couple in there they headed to Fallowfield, and decided that it would be a good idea to hit Karma. However, despite it’s sophisticated image, it is in fact scally central, and after a hasty drink they headed to the classier surrounds of XS, where they were going to meet up with Wes, but unfortunately he was on a temporary bar, after the previous week’s excursion. Not long after Squirrel hit the dance floor G Man and Amanda sneaked off home, which led to an unsupervised Squirrel and dirty rounds. Kebab followed, but what route home is anyone’s guess.

Saturday 6th March – Squirrel was rudely awakened by Little Mark ringing him wanting dinner time drinking on one of his rare excursions up to Manchester. It was at this point that Squirrel discovered numerous UDI’s and clothes covered in mud. He managed to get to the Clocktower only to find that the venue had been changed to Ye Olde Cock, and he got there just in time for the football and found that along with Little Mark, Hopalong, The Chemist and Dickie Boy were also in attendance, however there wasn’t much drinking action going on. The early evening saw everyone leaving the pub, with Little Mark and Dickie Boy off out for the evening, and the others heading back to Chez Didsbury, just in time to see Ricky Organ and Jayne heading off to the dags. Meanwhile G Man was heading to Elemental for a DJ set by someone he worked with.

Sunday 7th March – Sport was the order of the day, with the grand prix and football, and a fairly non Sunday night Sunday night film.

Monday 8th March – G Man and Amanda were at the Snow Patrol concert, and were the only movers.

Wednesday 10th March – Playing football, another fairly late start, and then late night poker.

Thursday 11th March – What is it about the first Thursday of a fortnight? I can never remember what’s going on. Probably football watching.

Friday 12th March – In a shock move, no one went out or did anything remotely interesting.

Saturday 13th March – With Ricky Organ down south somewhere, and G Man at Amanda’s, Hopalong and The Chemist took the lead and headed to town, while Squirrel stayed in for the second night on the trot, this time however to annoy the neighbours by making full use of his decks for a few hours. In town the first stop for The Chemist and Hopalong was Teasers, and after a couple there they headed for the print works, and attempted Tiger Tiger, but were refused entry as Hopalong was too casual. Undeterred they headed for Lucid, and in shocker they actually managed to get in. On leaving Lucid they headed to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), where unfortunately, due to new gaming rules, The Chemist (as a guest) was refused entrance. This didn’t stop Hopalong, who used the 20 minute wait for a taxi to go and win £40.

Sunday 14th March – Derby day saw Hopalong out with Gemma. Squirrel headed to the Friendship to meet Kate, who was a no show, and G Man was in corporate hospitality at the City of Manchester stadium, but had little to cheer about. The evening saw a Sunday night film, and a brief appearance from Ricky Organ, as he picked up some stuff on his way to spending the week at Jayne’s.

Monday 15th March – A fairly quiet week started with Hopalong out and about and random flicking on TV

Tuesday 16th March – It continued with G Man out straight from work and then at Amanda’s and more random flicking on TV.

Wednesday 17th March – Late night football was a killer, and kind of dampened the St. Patrick’s Day spirit, and all that was left to do was watch late night poker.

Thursday 18th March – Basically to top a quiet week off, there was more quiet, strange that.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Saturday 20th March – More of the same, this is the shortest month, and it’s still too long for the amount of money we have.

Sunday 21st March – Let me guess, watch the GP (with the added benefit of fantasy F1), then some football then a DVD.

Monday 22nd – Tuesday 23rd March – Even less motion than at the weekend, if that’s possible.

Wednesday 24th March – Hit the Bar Vs Parrswood Old Boys and it’s late again.

Friday 26th March – Finishing work early, and money available will probably lead to a very messy evening / night / weekend. Watch out for delinquent Squirrels everywhere.

Saturday 27th March – More of the same, always assuming any UDI’s gained from the previous night allow any more gallivanting about.

Sunday 28th March – Tuesday 30th March – Now that people are getting old and sensible, this is a quiet time for reflection and relaxation. Yep, that’s right it the lazy TV zone.

Wednesday 31st March – Hit the Bar Vs Vasko De Gatley, last game of the season

Thursday 1st April – Seeks has organised a work’s night out, straight from work, which involves going for a couple of drinks, and then for a Mexican, with people free to do whatever after the meal. Sensible folk will probably head home, however Squirrel is leading the line for a wander down the road and an all out attack on 5^th Ave. This has the potential to get very messy!

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – As nominated by Squirrel – Andy O’Brien – Cracking goal.

Chump of the Fortnight – As nominated by The Chemist – Andy O’Brien – Fucking clumsy halfwit.

READER’S LETTERS

Yes, the search is on for the new post room staff, see the attached application form if you want to apply. It’s been a strange fortnight, with one week as a busy little bastard, and another very quiet one. Whatever, it didn’t stop people sending in random shit, so here’s a selection of it.

First up is a Peter Johnson, from Colne, Lancashire, who whines, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. I don’t want to add to the problem, but this has to stop, otherwise there will be murders." Save your breath for cooling your porridge, and don’t make threats, as you know what happened to the last person that did that.

Meanwhile a Jeffrey Kacirk, from Nantwich, has this blockbusting revelation, “The Atkins diet is a blatant rip off. It’s just copied the idea from a pamphlet written by William Banting in 1863. He indicated that weight loss could be achieved by reducing superfluous fat by living on a meat diet, and abstaining from beer, farinaceous food and vegetables.” What have you been reading? Strangely enough from one of our readers, this is actually true, and the use of this diet used to be called doing Banting!

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Claudette Perignon, from Rhiems, France, who adds “Non, Tommy. Il y a un fusil dans votre pantalon. Qu'un fusil fait-il dans votre pantalon? Dans les mots calmes de la Marie Vierge... est venu encore. Non merci, Turcs; je suis assez doux. Assied et fermer en haut, vous fuck grand et chauve. Je n'aime pas partir mon Doug de pays, et je n'aime pas surtout partir il pour n'importe quoi les plages moins alors sableuses, et les cocktails avec les petits chapeaux de paille! Vous me montrez comment contrôler un gitan sauvage de fucking et je vous montrerai comment contrôler un destabilisé, le gangster de cochon-alimentation!” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what she just said.

Meanwhile Coby Rice, of Sacramento, California, writes and confesses, “I am a black gay gangsta with a 3 inch pecker, and I like the colour pink. if the homies found me out, I’m a dead man. in the back of my mind all I want is to be a true broly.” What the fuck is a broly, when it’s at home?

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He stood there in a kind of shock, not quite believing what he was hearing. In the space of about five minutes his world, which had got a damn site worse since the hijacking, had really been turned inside out. He’s been used as a puppet by an unknown maniac for going on five years, and he took little satisfaction from the fact that he’s not been the model of consistency that all the other puppets that had been rounded up onto this plane had been. To top it off he had found out that the woman who so reminded him of Claire was in fact her sister, Andrea, that he’d never met, or even spoken to. Whereas earlier in what appeared to be yesterday, though he could no longer be sure of what time or day it was wherever they were, the thought of Claire had caused him to freak out and black out, this time it spurred him on.

He was vaguely aware of the voice starting again, but he managed to shut it off as he turned and looked around the cockpit. How could he stop this lunatic from doing whatever he had planned. Impulse took over and he dived to the controls of the plane and pulled at them wildly. He expected the plane to lurch suddenly, one way or the other, but there was nothing. He was then aware that he could hear laughter.

“Now then, you don’t seriously think we’d leave any of the controls on the plane active, now that we’re guiding it in do you? Especially given your track record for unpredictable behaviour. Just what did you think you were going to accomplish if you had managed to get the controls to respond to you? Ditch in the ocean, and condemn everyone on board to an icy, watery grave? Change course and land somewhere else? I know you’ve no flying experience, just how were you planning to avoid killing everyone?”

“What makes you think there was a plan? I acted on impulse, as I like to. You have to remember that I’m not exactly your model programmed unit.” As he said it, a small smile appeared on his face.

“That’s exactly why you were originally chosen for this project. You were regarded as someone who could come up with solutions to problems, because you don’t think like anyone else. If I’d have known for one minute just how much trouble you’d end up being, I’d never have approved your choice.”

“Sorry to be so much trouble, if only you’d sent me a memo or something, I might have been able to help.”

The voice changed, and an icy tone came through the speaker. “Go and join your fellow passengers. I have no more time to speak to you right now. Tell the others what you like, it changes nothing.”

There was an audible click as the voice signed off from his end. He stood there for a moment and considered just what he would tell the rest of the passengers when he left the cockpit. He looked down and realised that he was stood in the co pilot’s blood, and quickly shifted side wards, and wiped his feet on the clean part of the cockpit carpet. He opened the door and squeezed outside.

The air of hysteria that he’d left to go into the cockpit hadn’t reduced any in the time he’d been in there. Someone was still screaming, people were crying, but there was no one speaking. He made his way to his seat, and no one stopped him to speak to him, or to ask about his time in the cockpit, in fact most of the other passengers looked away as he passed them as if he was part of all this madness that was going on. He sat down, and went to rub his eyes, not even realising he was still wearing his sunglasses. He sat with his eyes closed trying to clear his head, when he felt someone stood close by. He opened his eyes and looked up and said, “Hello Andrea.”

Rumours had it that there was going to be a review of the Snow Patrol gig, but G Man can only remember going to the bar and buying two drinks at a time to save queuing time.

A brief update on Britain Hardest, when they were finding the contestants, it really should have been the case that they should have mentioned water. In the last couple of weeks, we’ve seen one contestant (he looks like a fat cunt. Fuck it, he is a fat cunt, but he’s dirty and he’s dangerous.) panic in the slowly rising water of the hold your breath test and bail out before the water even got to his mouth. Then to top it off this week, in the dunked upside down into a pool of water, some Muppet bailed out after a mind boggling 8 seconds. Basically future contestants shouldn’t apply if they don’t like water.

Standing virtually at the southernmost part of the county, next to the River Avon that forms the Leicestershire / Northamptonshire border in the estate of Stanford. Owned by the Cave family (including the Brayes) since 1430 the estate comprises land on both sides of the River / border.

The family purchased the old Stanford manor, from Henry VIII in 1540, which stood on the Northamptonshire side, however this was on low lying land and was susceptible to flooding, so the 2^nd Baronet, Sir Roger Cave demolished the old Manor house and started work on a new house (Stanford Hall) on the Leicestershire side, on a site higher and drier than the old one. He commissioned William Smith the elder to do the work, and some of the old beams, and items of furniture were transferred from the old manor and used in the building of the new hall. Sir Roger died in 1703, and therefore never saw the completed hall, as this was completed a few years later under the control of his son Sir Thomas, 3^rd Baronet.

In 1778 the 5^th Baronet, also a Sir Thomas, built the stable block and courtyard, however by 1879 the house had come to be neglected and had fallen into disrepair, and the house was restored in 1880. In the 1930’s part of the outbuildings was converted into a private Roman Catholic chapel for the family.

The Hall is today laid out as a stately home, and is open to visits, it has large grounds, and also houses an aviation museum, and a motor cycle and car museum. The grounds themselves have a children’s play area and adventure playground.

Event – 0432 – St Patrick, then a bishop, is carried off to Ireland as a slave

Holiday – In Ireland they have an official holiday off for St Patrick’s Day, the only country to do so.

This issue’s verse from the good news bible is Revelation 22:21

Some would say the best verse in the bible, cos it means you finally got to the end.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Zouch

Antomasy

The use of the name of some office, dignity, profession, science or trade, instead of the true name of the person, as when “His Majesty” is used for a king.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, Brian Boru was king of Ireland in the 11^th Century. The winner of a case of Guinness is a Quincey Quinn, from Quorndon. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, Why is 111111 an relevant number for this issue? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 31st March wins a piece of Chez Didsbury, yet to be decided on.

JOKES

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog’s penis he’ll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog’s penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don’t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman. "Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains. "Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little David. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little David says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little David replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it? The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese afella that he awasa in a charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get mesel a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge o' supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!"

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighbourhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough" So the next day he goes to a richer neighbourhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you’re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something." So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one. So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit." And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. "It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

"I'm finished with Judi!" Dave exclaimed to his mate Jon. "What'd she do?" Jon asked. "She told me she was . . . bisexual!" "Man. That bothers you that much?" "Hell yeah!" Dave shouted, "Who wants to fuck just twice a year?"

The politician running for President was at a news conference. A reporter jumped up and asked, "Your secretary announced this morning that you have a tiny penis. Would you comment on this?" "The truth is," he said, "that she has big mouth."

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo? Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not Too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's". Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. You sure, son?" says Sven. Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer." Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?" Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Whittard's were overjoyed when scruffy Guatemalan farmer, Senor Coto stumbled on a section of Maragogype specie coffee bushes, for amongst the rugged terrain, derelict tractors and Central American poverty rest a coffee bush that could produce "E" grade, or "Elephant" beans for fun. These beans generate the deliciously smooth and gloriously rich taste that has made Guatemala Elephant so popular amongst coffee connoisseurs. These giant Arabica beans deliver undertones of chocolate and honey, while the dark French roast brings out their full character, without ever tasting bitter. This really is a luxurious coffee and packs more punch than Senor Coto's son, Jose Coto, Guatemala's amateur boxing champion three years running. He is said to drink Guatemala Elephant like Alan Shearer drinks Lucozade.

RANDOM LIST

The top ten players with most Premiership appearances. Upto 29^th February 2004.

Peregrine falcons are the fastest animals on the planet - or rather, above it. As they plunge towards their unsuspecting prey they have been logged at 124mph.

The fastest fish is the cosmopolitan sailfish, which has been measured swimming at 68 mph

1611 – Mary Frith, a.k.a. Moll Cutpurse, becomes the first woman to be arrested for wearing men’s clothes.

1890 – William Kemmler becomes the first person to be executed using the electric chair.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Spudget, Bombardier, Powder Potty, Pol Pot-8-Eau, Drypot, Pot-‘n’-Tate, Wundaspus, Pomme-POM!, Instamashic, I Find it difficult to believe that this is not real mashed potato, & Mash-een.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The Rolling Stones - The Last Time – Decca F12104. Written by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger.

This was the third in a run of five consecutive number ones that the Rolling Stones had during 1964 and 65, it hit the top in its third week on the charts and stayed at number one for three weeks, and was the first up-tempo chart topper that Keith and Mick had written.

Manhattan Transfer - Chanson D'amour – Atlantic K10886. Written by Wayne Shanklin

Despite the French sounding title and the French lyrics, this was actually sung by an American quartet, and was their second UK hit, and the only one of eight singles to hit the charts that would reach the top ten. It took six weeks to crawl its way up the charts to number one, and once there managed to stay at number one for an unbelievable three weeks. It was a cover of a 1957 Edith Piaf song.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Consisting of Jez Bird on Lead guitar and vocals, Doug Sanders on backing vocals and guitar, Mark Ellis on Bass, and Paul Wincer on Drums, The Lambrettas started out life in 1978, and quickly became one of the more successful bands of the Mod revival the following year. Their second single was a cover of the 50’s hit by the Coasters, Poison Ivy. Somewhat bizarrely it was produced by a young Pete Waterman, it was a massive hit, and led to a manic six months. Their next single came from their first album, Beat Boys for the Jet Age, and Da-a-ance was another big hit. However their choice for their next single led to problems, and due to pressure from The Sun had to be renamed. Another day (Originally called Page 3) struggled into the chart and effectively led to the Lambrettas falling from the public eye. Two further singles from their second album, Ambience followed, but neither managed to chart, and after a couple of years touring they split in early 1982 after being dropped by their record company Rocket.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

WACKY RACES

The start of the Formula 1 season sees the start of the Formula 1 Fantasy League, and due to it’s unheralded entrance the league is made up of just 7 teams (though this is a 350 per cent increase on last year’s two teams). All the usual suspects have entered, and it will be a long hard slog through the year with a total of 18 races this year, with only the one pit stop at some stage during the summer. Below is the first table, and yes people it’s a marathon not a sprint.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	759	10
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	750	8
3rd	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	745	6
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer – The Red Max	738	5
5th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	736	4
6th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	728	3
7th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	683	2

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

There was a lot riding on this game. HTB were up against The Team With No Name with whom they were tied on points for second place. Owen was back in this week and the other five usual suspects present too, which meant the breathing space of a sub. Things looked a bit ominous when HTB didn't start particularly well, with pretty much everyone losing possession or making a slack pass in the opening exchanges. At 1-1, TTWNN hit upon some tactics known as the counter-attack and time again found themselves with a two-on-one against the stranded Squirrel. Some slick finishing from TTWNN and mystifying apathy and shocking defending from HTB, saw HTB trail a shameful 10-2 at half-time. There was a slight improvement in the second half with a couple of nice goals, including a route one special with Owen supplying the pass from the back and Dancing finishing sweetly by taking the half-volley in his stride (allegedly intentionally). However, there were still problems at the back and although only four were conceded in the second half, there was never really a time when TTWNN looked in danger of losing. Final score: 14-8, with HTB slipping to fourth thanks to a win by Parrswood Old Boys.

This week's player assessments were given unwittingly and "off the record" by Ricky Organ, but pretty much sum it all up:

Squirrel - "and not enough support was given to Kev, who failed to live up to his previous high standards." - 5

G-Man - "...was making runs forward, but without the same penetration as normal, and then didn't track back with his usual enthusiasm" - 5

Nez - "....often held onto the ball for too long, although he didn't have a great deal of support" - 5

Owen - "...was getting forward too much (that sounds harsh on him, but he is the most solid player we have as "last man" SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 5

Ricky Organ - "to be honest I didn't play that much worse than my normal low standard.......I gave the ball away too easily in our own half, which is unforgivable, and there wasn't enough space in the final third for me to do anything much" - 5

Dancing - "And finally you did ok, but were caught in possession too often" – 5

League-leaders Dehulberto La Cortina, with 33 points from 11 games, were this week's formidable opposition. Hit The Bar really needed to record a win in order to give themselves any chance of promotion, but going on recent form, this wasn't likely. All six of the regulars again turned out for HTB which was good to see, giving the team an opportunity to gel further/start to gel. With the previous fixture between these two ending 7-5, a low-scoring game was forecast. Early on, both teams created chances, with the only difference being some clinical finishing of the highest order from Dehulberto. HTB on the other hand didn't have their goal-scoring boots on and squandered several clear chances, although the keeper was making things all the more difficult. At 3-0 down, HTB were in danger of losing confidence in the fact that they would ever score, but they eventually tucked one home. Dehulberto replied again making it 4-1 at half time. As is so often the case, HTB seemed to improve in the second half, and their defending and tracking back took a turn for the better, as did their attacking play, with a couple of well-worked goals resulting. Dehulberto only managed to add the one goal in the second half but, coupled with their first half performance, it was enough to win without ever being truly threatened. The final score: 5 - 3.

Squirrel: Will have been pleased to see a defence actually turned up this week, cutting down the number of one-on-ones he had to try and save. Made some excellent stops, coupled with some pretty decent distribution and finished up with his cleanest sheet of the season - 7

G-Man: Made and created a number of good chances but became frustrated by the keeper's excellent goal-keeping and his inability to slot his shots past him. Kept going though and made a decent contribution to the team performance - 6

Nez: Has been a bit out of sorts of late and still hasn't quite regained his early-season form. Scored a nice goal but became too easily frustrated when HTB lost possession - needs to knuckle down and work on winning the ball back and forget about the missed opportunities - 6

Ricky Organ: Played an important role in firing up the team in the second half but ideally would have been doing this from the off. Scored one of the precious few goals and played an all-round decent game - 7

Owen: Is fast becoming a valuable defensive asset - something HTB has been crying out for. Made some good solid tackles and played a big part in keeping the opposition's shots on goal to a minimum, but still needs to cut out the sloppy pass from his game - 7

Dancing: A fairly lively performance and kept trying to the end. Scored the first goal but would have liked to have got more shots on target. A good defensive display too although still gets beaten too easily. It had to happen sometime, a probably undeserved.... SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Scoring Chart. Nez 33, G Man 25, Dancing 17, Ricky Organ 13, The Chemist 4, Owen 4, Hew 1, Turkish 1, OG 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	12	12	0	0	136	55	0	36
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	12	8	4	0	128	118	0	24
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	12	6	5	1	96	89	0	19
HIT THE BAR	12	6	6	0	108	102	0	18
VASKO DE GATLEY	12	4	7	1	104	111	0	13
EXPOTEL	12	4	8	0	99	128	0	12
INTER PIE & CHIPS	12	4	8	0	82	120	0	12
ASHTON ATHLETIC	12	3	9	0	91	121	0	9

RULES OF SCHOOLYARD FOOTBALL

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants. There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the score line achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. The score line to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper. The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up. At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over. Other stoppages : 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. 2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kick about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. 3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kick about than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Returns from lameness with an ease in graded, which could be just what the doctor ordered. Slow away but finishes with a flourish.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

The rules of cricket (as explained to a foreigner)

You have two sides: one out and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side’s that been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out including the ‘not outs’ that’s the end of the game.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1364
2nd	Tip Top Team	1290
3rd	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1287
4th	Chelle's Allstars	1283
5th	Molineux Misfits	1276
6th	Seek'em & Destroy	1229
7th	Full Gun Lollipops	1220
8th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1210
9th	Wednesday Wannabes	1193
10th	Magpie City FC	1174
11th	Westside XI	1136
12th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1124
13th	Shit or Bust	1108
14th	Nic	1089
15th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1080
16th	No use for a name	1073
17th	Russian Gold	1072
18th	Requiem For A Team	1059
19th	Andy	1059
20th	The World's Smallest Violin	1041
21st	Owen	1011
22nd	MUP(pet)S	956
23rd	The Unidumpers	905
24th	Nez	897
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	741
26th	Whipping Boys	626
	Upto and Including 17th March

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

WHITTARDS. For tea and coffee, go to the one in the Trafford Centre and ask for Nez.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Dancing, Di, H, Nez, G Man, Ricky Organ & Morning.

Southampton
Founded						1885
Turned Professional						1894
Admitted to the League						1920
Previous Names						Southampton St. Mary’s
Nickname (s)						The Saints
Ground						St Mary’s
Capacity						32,689
Previous Grounds						Antelope Ground, County Cricket Ground, The Dell
Seasons in Each Division
1						34
2						34
3						9
4						0
Trophies
League Runners Up						1983-84
FA Cup						1976
Division 3						1959-60
Division 3 (South)						1921-22
Synopsis – Founding						Formed by players of Deanery FC, they were connected with the young men’s association of St. Mary’s Church. They were founded in 1885 and named Southampton St. Mary’s and were presided over by the church’s curate. They moved in 1897 and dropped the St Mary’s from their name.
Synopsis - Major Events						They started off life in the Southern League and twice reached the FA cup final while there, before coming founder members of the Third Division in 1920. They quickly became stalwarts of the second division, with brief dalliances with the third division until the 1960’s when they got promoted to the first division for the first time, where apart from 4 years in the 70’s they have remained since.
Synopsis - Recent times						One of the original members of the premier league and perennial strugglers, having managed to perform Houdini acts on the last day several times, the last couple of years have seen an upturn in their fortunes and they have had top half finishes and an FA cup final appearance to their credit.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						In the 1982 season, they had a record 7 past, present or future England captains in the side at the same time. They have the only occurrence of three brothers playing in the same side (Danny, Rod and Ray Wallace). They hold Premiership records for most games lost and most goals conceded.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	94		55		66			304		252		40		60		115		216		361		508
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
18^th		18^th		10^th			17^th		16^th		12^th		17^th		15^th		10^th		11^th		8^th