Surerandomality

Most premiership goals scored after coming on as a substitute. (Upto February 29^th 2004)

The largest city in China is Shanghai, and with 4,500 skyscrapers the city is actually sinking 1.5cm per year under their collective weight!

1961 – Antonio Albertondo became the first person to swim a non stop double crossing of the English Channel

1981 – Jon Erikson became the first person to swim a non stop triple crossing of the English Channel

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

In you with to are is it the his have from was of be they had as and for not at on a I or

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch. Having a welder’s bench inexplicably mounted of a finely carved rack and pegs. Eg. Sarah Jessica Parker.

THIS FORTNIGHT IN THE NEWS

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Stan Collymore is apparently close to negotiating a new contract with Leicester city FC. The controversy surrounding the club's recent trip to Spain was said to be an integral factor in his desire to link back up with the squad. He doesn't want to play, just watch. - Allegedly

David Miller, 38, of Nashville, Tenn., was surprised by a robber who pistol-whipped him into submission, shoved him inside his apartment, then stole a video game console, cash, and Miller's watch and cell phone. When police Sgt. Matt Pylkas arrived to investigate, he decided to call Miller's phone. Sure enough, the robber answered it. The cop told the robber if he brought back the game console he'd be given $50. "It was something straight out of a police drama," Pylkas said, calling it "classic negotiation 101." When Craigen D. Harris, 18, arrived to collect the loot, he was arrested. "It wasn't funny last night," Miller said, still nursing a head wound, "but it's funny now." - Tit, that’s the only word appropriate

When Louis Paul Kadlecek turned 21, he went on a bender, drinking for four days straight. He was familiar with the Brazoria County (Texas) Airport, since that's where he performed community service after "one of his previous arrests". Kadlecek, who has never flown a plane before, stole one from a hangar and, following instructions in a pilot's manual, took off. Within a mile he hit 100,000-volt power lines and crashed, but managed to walk home unharmed. "If stunt pilots tried 1,000 times to do the same thing, they would have been killed 999 times," says the airport's director. Kadlecek blamed poor airport security for his actions. "If there had even been a tall chain link fence with barbed wire on top of it, I would have just turned around and went on home," he claims. He faces up to 20 years in prison. - Do you know who this plane belongs to?

"At first I thought it was just some outrageous prank," says Baker Elementary School Principal Tom Cavanagh. He was called at home by custodians who had found a dead raccoon in the faculty lounge freezer. But the Brookline, Mass., principal determined the science teacher had found the dead animal on the road, and brought it to school for students to dissect. Bad idea: "In Massachusetts, all raccoons are assumed to carry rabies unless lab tests prove otherwise," said the director of the local health department. Cavanagh blamed himself. "It's one of those things that we didn't have a policy about," he said. - That freezer must have smelt as bad as the one at Chez Didsbury.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Residents (including unofficial ones) have been served NOTICE TO QUIT Chez Didsbury, and have to be out by May 1^st.

The above leads to the next Surerandomality event. Friday April 30^th, a leaving party at Chez Didsbury, bring everyone you know and lots of alcohol.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by The Chemist despite some serious last minute attempts from Blondie and Karen.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over three weeks ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality When I’m. In the reverse from last time out, we had a quiet week followed by a busy week, but the low quality of output has remained constant, as there are a great number of things that I’d rather be doing. That and the fact that due to a fire in Manchester (G Man claims to have seen it, Arsene Wenger on the other hand did not), I’ve been cut off from the outside world most of the last week, and I’ve not been in the office half the time. Not only that but the countdown to eviction is on, which leads to the next item of business. Meanwhile as you may or may not have noticed from the announcements there is another Surerandomality event coming up. Friday 30^th April, it’s the Chez Didsbury leaving party. Basically, bring yourselves, anyone you know, alcohol, and sleeping bags, and if someone can remember an alarm clock it would be useful, as we have to be out by midday on the Saturday. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 19th March – Ricky Organ, Jayne and his sister were out for Zoo magazine in Yates trying to take pictures of fit women, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, as Yates isn’t a venue known for fit women, only women that are fit to drop. Then they headed on to Deansgate locks to cheat. G Man was straight out from work on another messy misadventure, with the Hogshead and the Pitcher & Piano being the Didsbury locations, before meeting Amanda and going to see Zero 7. Then it was a trip to Font, and Amanda finished the night off by regaining her puke girl title.

Saturday 20th March – Quiet, so much so it looked like there were new permanent covers on the seats in the Chez Didsbury lounge.

Wednesday 24th March – Playing football broke the monotony, and The Chemist and Hopalong went to watch some at Squirrels. Talk about an old school blast from the past. The Chemist’s wine (Holmes place introduce a friend promotion) finally turned up, at which stage G Man owned up to having swiped and hid the original delivery.

Friday 26th March – Ricky Organ headed off for the next episode in the lifestyles of the rich and famous, with him off for a conference at Sea World in Orlando for a week. Meanwhile Squirrel started on the baby early, and G Man and Amanda joined in, and after a few it was next destination Scubar. G Man knew one of the staff from Harrogate, and there were some messy drinks. Wandered up to The Garrett next and flyers were picked up for the final destination of the evening, 5^th Ave. Somewhat unsurprisingly things got very messy, and G Man’s evening out was cut short after Amanda came back from the toilet to see him talking to a random bird on the dance floor and threw all her toys out of the pram. This left the now considerable worse for wear Squirrel to his own devices, and he managed to find his own way home, without any UDI’s or food stops.

Saturday 27th March – This however led to still being pissed when he arrived for his early morning hair cut, things didn’t improve at the record fair, and after a sobering up session at pizza hut, he arrived back at Chez Didsbury with no idea what he’d bought. Meanwhile Hopalong was going upmarket for the evening and headed to Chester with Gemma.

Monday 29th March – G Man went to stay at Amanda’s, but managed to find time to have an altercation with Justin before doing so. Needless to say Justin is a cock, but I’ll say it anyway. The Chemist has the week off and is spending the time constructively by listening to classical music and drinking his wine.

Tuesday 30th March – Underground fire in Manchester meant that Squirrel, Garden, Karen and Blondie were rushing around getting ready, and then driving down to Crawley to do some work. After some top quality quotes, it turned out that Karen hadn’t quite grasped the concept, that to pour wine, the lid needs to be removed. Blondie found this highly amusing, until no more than five minutes later she managed to do the same thing. This in turn tickled Garden, who in trying to act out what they’d done, knocked her glass of wine over Squirrel. Furthermore it was discovered that Blondie and Garden are high new entries on the all time lightweight list, with both being completely battered off two glasses of wine, so much so that Garden became the latest holder of the prestigious puke girl title.

Wednesday 31st March – After a series of calamities and various jollies five a side didn’t happen, which left G Man watching England in the Friendship, though he wouldn’t have seen much of the action as he had one eye out for the Ashton player that was in there as he cowered in the corner. Back in Crawley, Squirrel started on alcohol the second he got back to the hotel. Meanwhile the girls, were on a strict no drinking policy, or they were until after they’d had food and the football was well underway. Garden disappeared from the bar first, but she did have the excuse of Dale being there for the evening. After a couple of drinks the tiredness kicked in and Karen and then Blondie wandered off, leaving Squirrel in the bar, which just led to lots of beers and a late night.

Thursday 1st April – Not only had the fire been put out, but the computer lines had been fixed, which meant that Squirrel, Garden, Karen and Blondie could head back to Manchester. Don’t mention bar bills. Now then, is 5^th Ave a viable idea? Hell yes, not only is it a viable idea but Squirrel kops off with really fit bird. Has to be said I can see him going back in the not too distant future. Lucky bastard.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Oh Yes. Besides the first weekend when The Chemist was on top form, but no record was kept, there have been the following.

Watching A Question of Sport on Friday evening, the day before the final round of 6 nations rugby games.

Sue Barker – Don’t forget to watch the BBC’s all day coverage of the final day of the 6 nation’s championship.

The Chemist – Surely if this is taped before hand, they already know the scores to tomorrow’s games.

The Chemist – What’s the score in the Liverpool game? (they were playing Marseille)

On way to Crawley, after opening window of car there is a strange smell, and a discussion about it. Then.

Not to be outdone on the journey, the fuel gage needle had just gone into the red and panic had set in.

Karen – Someone said that once the needle goes in the red you’ve got 50 miles left. . . . . Or is it 50 gallons?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Fire, it certainly made things more interesting in a standard week.

Chump of the Fortnight –.Justin, just because he’s a fucking childish petty little bastard.

READER’S LETTERS

Yes people, you told me, there was no application form attached last time, therefore it should be attached this time, if not, don’t worry about it, it will be attached at some stage. Meanwhile I’m under staffed, under pressure, and at some time after 2am under a table somewhere.

First up is a Maria Rodriguez-Sanchez, from Leicester, who whines, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. Why?" Cos I fucking feel like it

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Stig Jensen, from Hammerfesto, Norway, and it goes a little something like this, “Hva har han fått en te cozy på hans hode for? Vi snakker om Franky "får jeg et problem med spekulasjon" fucking Fire Finger Doug. Hvor er steinen? Nå jeg anbringer ikke en kule i Deres ansikt, men om De ikke gir oss nøyaktig vil hva vi ha, det er mord. Da antar jeg vi får myrdet før vi forlater bygningen, og vi får matet til pluggene. De er ikke nøyaktig Herr Nåværendee Saker er De? Den "Gale Fish" ble gal, og "Geværet" skjøt seg. Det er en unlicensed boksende kamp. Det er ikke et som kiler konkurranse. Disse ungguttene er ut skade hverandre.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Bobbie-Jo Shrivers, of Cleveland, Ohio, writes and scares the fuck out of me with the following, “I sometimes fantasize about killing one of my ex boyfriends. He thinks he knows everything but he can't confront people and he never stood up for me. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with him on top of me about to stick his dick in. He set up a webcam pointing at our bed and refused to take it down. He dumped me for my friend. The first time we had sex I was a virgin, and he pried my legs open because he wanted to fuck so bad. I'm pissed because I let myself totally adore him and think he was great and that I was not. My fantasy is that I break into his house, tie him to a chair, cut his dick off with a blowtorch and duct tape it inside his mouth, so that when he wakes up he totally freaks out and his penis can never be reattached.” Two words. Bunny. and Boiler.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

I’m really sorry Morning, but it’s been the fortnight from hell. It’s after 2 in the morning, and I’m totally pissed / knackered / bored (delete as appropriate) and really haven’t got time for this this time.

The final of Britain’s hardest had some different events, and although some of them may be Britain’s hardest, they aren’t exactly Britain’s brightest. In one event the object was that there were seven of them all hanging from a metal ring suspended above the floor. The first two to let go and drop were out. One bright spark decides to change the grip on his left hand (yes people, I’ve just sat here for a minute trying to figure out what was left) and misses the bar and drops out. Anyway to cut a long story short the welsh bloke won.

More sky one dross in There’s something about Miriam. You’ve all read about it in the papers, it’s the transsexual bloke who looks like a woman, but still has all his original bits. Seven blokes were put in a luxury mansion with him/her/it for 2 weeks and tried to win her heart and a week’s luxury cruise and 10 large to help the situation. Thing being is they don’t know it’s a bloke. Well it comes down to the last two, and all the others are called back for the final decision. He/She/It declares who wins, and then nervously tell him that he’s/she’s/it’s really a bloke. Cue howls of laughter from the losers. He agrees to go on the cruise in a snap decision, but pulls out before going. At least they all got 125k sweeteners to prevent the threat of legal action to stop the show being broadcast.

When it became clear that the Guildhall was becoming too small to enact the town business, it was agreed that a new town hall would be needed. In 1870 the decision was made to build a new town hall. For the next three years there was a great deal of discussion over where it should be situated, until in 1873 it was finalised that it would be placed on a site by Horsefair Street.

The architect F.J. Hames was awarded the contract, and the form Flude & White was given the task of excavating the earthworks for the foundations. The main building work was carried out by Bass of London, and the foundation stone was laid in 1874 by the Mayor of Leicester Alderman William Kempson. The clock for the tower was only an afterthought, and was designed by E.T. Loseby of Leicester and was commissioned in September 1875. The new town hall was completed in 1876, and opened by the Mayor, Alderman William Bartlett.

The grounds to the front were laid out and the fountain was a gift to the town by the then Mayor, Sir Israel Hart, in 1878. The fountain was designed by F.J. Hames again, and is said to be based on one that stands in Oporto in Portugal.

The side wings to the building, at the front in the square and the rear in Bowling Green Street were added to the building in 1932. The building housed (and in some cases still houses) the council chamber, committee rooms, Lord Mayor’s parlour, law courts, town clerk (city attorney) and city treasurer. Although Leicester became a city just after World War I, the town hall has never been considered to be christened as a City hall.

This issue’s verses from the good news bible is Genesis 1:1 & 1:2

In the beginning God created the universe, the Earth was without form and desolate. The raging ocean that covered everything was engulfed in total darkness, and the spirit of God was moving over the water.

In the beginning, there was the beat, and the beat was without form, thus becoming music, and from the goodness of music came forth a new breed and it was called rap, but from the goodness of rap came forth a deluge of greed and destruction thereof, behold the Prophecy.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Manducation

Hallihoo

Children born with a hallihoo, a holy of fortunate hood, or caul around their heads, are deemed lucky, but the caul must be preserved carefully, for should it be lost or thrown away, the child with pine away or die.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, 111111 was a relevant number for the previous issue, because it is 63 in binary. The winner of a piece of Chez Didsbury (Still not decided on) is a Ruth Roof, from Rotherby, in Rutland. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, what album is When I’m 64 on? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 31st March wins a copy of that album.

JOKES

A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter & said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around" says the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour & material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now looking totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded," It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?'' Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

"The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies." "Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that." "But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The first release by the artist born Arnold Dorsey, who took the name from a 19^th century composer. It hit number one in it’s 6^th week on the chart, and stayed at number one for 6 weeks, as part of a record breaking 56 consecutive weeks on the chart, which is more than any other single. It went on to be the biggest selling single of the year selling over 1 million copies, and is currently in use in the latest John Smith’s advert.

The third single release by the rock n roll revivalist, who was born Michael Barratt. It hit number one in its fifth week on the chart and stayed at number one for 3 weeks, and was the first of four number ones for him. A cover of the Rosemarie Clooney hit that was number one in 1954. He went on to be the most successful chart act of the eighties, based on weeks on chart.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Objectives include getting as pissed as possible, using the neglected drink groups for seriously teetotal people like himself. Pays special attention to the Stella group of 5% + lagers. The XS dirty round group of Stella, Orange Reef and Tequila. The Scubar group of shooters and goldfish bowls, and the 5^th Ave group of Double Vodka and Red Rooster (or whatever Red Bull imitation they’re using this year). Can often be found to have no recollection of how he got home, making full use of the beer scooter, and has an impressive record of picking up UDI’s. Has also been known to wear beer goggles with quite frightening effects, especially in XS. Will however torture people by insisting they join him to do exactly the same thing the next day. Often has non drinking weekends, normally caused by too many meetings with the beer mugger in the month up to that point.

Recommended double – Double Vodka and Red Rooster (or whatever Red Bull imitation they’re using this year)

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

WACKY RACES

The second grand prix of the season saw a little bit of movement, though not a lot, and the overall table is fairly tight, probably due to the fact that there are a lot of similar choices.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	1489	16
2nd	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	1479	14
3rd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	1460	12
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	1443	8
5th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	1440	8
6th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	1431	12
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	1419	6
	After Malaysian Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

The penultimate game of Hit The Bar's topsy-turvy season was against third-placed Parrswood Old Boys. Despite a string of disastrous performances from HTB, they approached the game with a positive mindset and in reasonably buoyant mood. Owen was absent (he had an appointment with the Home Guard) and Turkish withdrew at the last minute under mysterious circumstances, which left just the usual five and no real defence to speak of. HTB it seems will never learn and as usual gifted the opposition a handsome lead, going behind 4-1, and in at half-time 5-2. Second half, spirited stuff, bla-de-bla-de-de-blah, well-worked goals from HTB etc etc but defensively shocking, increasingly tired (like this reviewer) ya-da-ya-da, frustrated, pretty much gave up, lost 15-9. Season down the toilet.

Squirrel - without some good saves from the big man, HTB would have been made to look even worse. A couple of weaker goals went in but couldn't really be blamed for them as the defence (Owen) was absent - 7

Nez - there's rumours that he slapped in a transfer request after becoming visibly frustrated by the goings-on around him but the club have issued the following statement "we fully expect Nez to be with us at the start of next season and look forward to him lollipopping HTB to numerous victories once more. Rumours that he will be leaving the team or indeed the sport as a whole in order to set up his own coffee emporium are entirely false". A poor game by his standards - 6

Ricky Organ - rumours that he likes to be referred to as 'cock' caused the club to issue the following statement "these rumours are entirely true, the boy is a cock". Appeared to be distracted at first by the absence of beaver-girl on reception but soon settled down and turned in a fine performance, scored a brace including a nice individual goal and showed some all-round good play. Worked hard and earned himself SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

G-Man - tonight the little terrier's bark was worse than his bite. A lack-lustre performance by his own admission and was responsible for gifting 2 or 3 goals to the opposition. Sparked at times and netted a couple but in general appeared jaded after a long season - 6

Dancing - was guilty at first of going for goal too often when a pass would have been better, but later on the tactic paid off and he netted a couple of well placed goals on the way to his hat-trick. At times tried to fill in for Owen at the back but didn't look altogether comfortable, although two-on-one's didn't help - 7

What can I say? The valley of the living deserters. Ricky Organ and Turkish unavailable due to a training session with Shamu. Squirrel in Crawley on the piss (sorry shouldn’t that have been working). Owen managed to break his computer and therefore was in a panic about his dissertation, and therefore in no state to pick up Nez, who was stranded at work with the early kick off time. Operation potato was mashed early on, which left a squad consisting of just G Man and Dancing. Needless to say the game was called off and Vasko De Gatley claimed a 10-0 walkover. However Hit The Bar managed to retain their top half status. However the most gutted people of the night must be the Dehulberto La Cortina team, who after winning the first 13 games of the season, managed to lose 8-7 to Parrswood Old Boys and therefore blow the chance of a perfect season. Elsewhere Ashton Athletic finished bottom. Good.

Final Scoring Chart. Nez 35, G Man 27, Dancing 20, Ricky Organ 15, The Chemist 4, Owen 4, Hew 1, Turkish 1, OG 1

This table is based on the average player rating awarded throughout the season. (Total points awarded, games played, average)

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	14	13	1	0	155	68	0	39
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	14	10	4	0	152	125	0	30
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	14	8	5	1	119	104	0	25
HIT THE BAR	14	6	8	0	116	127	0	18
VASKO DE GATLEY	14	5	8	1	117	127	0	16
EXPOTEL	14	5	9	0	116	150	0	15
INTER PIE & CHIPS	14	5	9	0	100	134	0	15
ASHTON ATHLETIC	14	3	11	0	104	144	0	9

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Disappointed since she made a winning bow. Hard to assess where her best location is. First crack from T6. Pestering from the word ‘go’.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

American Francis Lane won the first race of the modern Olympic Games, a qualifying heat for the 100m in Athens in 1896. He finished third in the final, which was won by another American, Thomas Burke.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him.

Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1447
2nd	Tip Top Team	1376
3rd	Molineux Misfits	1336
4th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1332
5th	Chelle's Allstars	1320
6th	Full Gun Lollipops	1289
7th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1281
8th	Seek'em & Destroy	1266
9th	Magpie City FC	1228
10th	Wednesday Wannabes	1210
11th	Westside XI	1180
12th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1170
13th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1161
14th	Nic	1160
15th	Andy	1152
16th	Russian Gold	1146
17th	The World's Smallest Violin	1145
18th	Shit or Bust	1138
19th	No use for a name	1114
20th	Requiem For A Team	1097
21st	Owen	1035
22nd	MUP(pet)S	992
23rd	Nez	944
24th	The Unidumpers	934
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	759
26th	Whipping Boys	666
	Upto and Including 28th March

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

WHITTARDS. For tea and coffee, go to the one in the Trafford Centre and ask for Nez, and remind him that we’re supposed to have a coffee time every issue.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Melvin, G Man, Dancing, and Morning.

Blackburn Rovers
Founded						1875
Turned Professional						1880
Admitted to the League						1888
Previous Names						None
Nickname (s)						Rovers
Ground						Ewood Park
Capacity						31,367
Previous Grounds						Oozehead Ground, Pleasington Cricket Ground, Alexandra Meadows, Leamington Road.
Seasons in Each Division
1						64
2						36
3						5
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1911-12, 1913-14, 1994-95
FA Cup						1884, 1885, 1886, 1890, 1891, 1928
Division 2						1938-39
Division 3						1974-75
League Cup						2002
Full Members Cup						1987
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1875 by a group of public school old boys, they took the name of Blackburn Rovers due to the fact that they played all their games on the road. They then found themselves a home ground in 1876, and became one of the first professional clubs in 1880
Synopsis - Major Events						Founder members of the football league in 1888, they stayed in the top flight until just before the second world war. They spent most of the sixties, and all of the seventies and eighties in the second and third divisions.
Synopsis - Recent times						With the backing of Jack Walker, they got promotion just in time to become founder members of the Premier League, and went on to win the Premier League, before falling away and getting relegated. They soon came back up and have qualified for Europe again.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						The second and last team (so far) the have won the FA cup three years in succession. One of three teams to be founder members of both the football league and the premier league. They hold the record for being responsible for more clubs heaviest league defeat than any other club with 8.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
354	100		39		38			313		177		50		57		70		203		232		546
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
4^th		2^nd		1^st			7^th		13^th		6^th		19^th		-		-		10^th		6^th