Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A man in Somerset County, Vt., apparently intent on suicide, built a cross in his living room and attempted to crucify himself by nailing one of his hands to one side with a 14-penny nail. The unnamed 23-year-old then had a logistical problem. "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911," said Sheriff Barry DeLong, who noted it was unclear whether the man wanted help getting free, or help in nailing his free hand. - Which reminds me, did you hear the one about Jesus going into a B & B, plonking three nails down on the counter and saying “Put me up for the night”?

"According to the officers on the scene, she told them she was attempting to re enact a scene from the movie," said New Britain, Conn, police spokesman Sgt. Darren Pearson. The movie: "The Passion of the Christ". The unnamed woman, married and in her 40s, purposefully drove her Chevrolet Lumina into a pond at a city park in order to baptize herself, officers said. She was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation. - I must have missed the scene where Jesus drove his donkey into lake Galilee.

The Oregon Humane Society was flooded with calls after the news broke on a Portland radio station: a new state law went into effect April 1 that requires pet dogs, cats and ferrets to wear seatbelts when riding in cars, or the driver will be subject to a $150 fine. No warnings, either: the state had already collected more than $89,000, noted KEX radio. Then the station put "listeners" on the air to say how they had been caught by the law, including one man who said his Seeing Eye dog "was taken into custody" for not being belted in. "You'd think people would realize it's April Fools when we said a blind person was driving a car," said host Dave Anderson, but the Humane Society reported that one of the calls was from the local sheriff's office, who wanted to know if the report was true. "There are a lot of people very upset and angry," said co-host Mark Mason. - There is just no limit to how dumb some people are, but this lot definitely aren’t Mr or Mrs Current Affairs.

Randy Wood, 33, of West Monroe, N.Y., called his ex-wife and asked her to come over to see something. When she arrived she found him hanging by his neck from a tree in his front yard. Wood was safely secured in a lineman's harness and was neither dead nor dying, but before he could yell "April Fool!" his ex had called 911 and a rescue crew was on the way. Sheriff's deputies cited him with "falsely reporting an incident" and he faces up to a year in jail. "Obviously, it's not a funny matter," said Sheriff Reuel Todd. - He had been told before not to hang around in a suspicious manner.

Frying Squirrel Blamed for Sunday Power Outage" -- Muskegon (Mich.) Chronicle headline - He was only cooking his breakfast!

With great fanfare on the eve of the millennium, the "Eternal Flame of Hope" was lit in Birmingham, England. The £72,000 sculpture that houses the flame was donated by a coalition of local churches, and the flame was sponsored by a smoke alarm company. But the company has ended its support, leaving the city to pay the £12,000 yearly gas bill, which it refuses to do. It's not just the money, says Councilman Ian Ward. "In a world where we are increasingly aware of greenhouse gases, we need to consider whether burning £12,000 of gas every year is a responsible attitude towards the environment," he says, suggesting a flame-like electric light would be better. - Better still spend £20,000 on gas and burn the whole of Birmingham down and start again.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Residents (including unofficial ones) have been served NOTICE TO QUIT Chez Didsbury, and have to be out by May 1^st.

However this leads to a housewarming party at the new gaff of The Chemist, Hopalong and Ricky Organ. Most people invited (It’s their party so it’s at their discretion). The date – 24^th April, The time – In the evening, The venue – 880 Kingsway. Bring Alcohol, and possibly sleeping bags.

Belated happy birthdays to both Nez (the Sunday before last), and Owen (the Monday before last)

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Retirement Age. Tip Top, I suppose that’s the best way to describe the last fortnight. Great nights out, a four day weekend, Arsenal going out of two cup competitions, and managing to avoid getting the boot from the 5 a side league and not having to shell out loads. Despite the fact I’ve been a busy little bastard it’s all seems worth it somehow this fortnight. In a change of heart by the Chez Didsbury Residents Association, there is not going to be a leaving party, as there is an attempt (somewhat bereft of hope in the eyes of this observer) to retrieve some of the deposit outlaid eighteen months ago. Therefore there is no set date for the next Surerandomality night out, but I’m sure something will come to light in the not too distant future. However there is a Housewarming party at the new gaff of The Chemist, Hopalong and Ricky Organ. Most people invited (It’s their party so it’s at their discretion). The date – 24^th April, The time – In the evening, The venue – 880 Kingsway. Bring Alcohol, and possibly sleeping bags. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 2nd April – Squirrel dragged himself from the sofa at work and spent the morning in somewhat of a daze, until a lunchtime drink with Seeks in the Hogshead brought him round. Not only that but actual plans for the evening had materialised, and so after a brief stop at Chez Didsbury, where the somewhat jet lagged Ricky Organ was suffering on the sofa, it was straight back out and off to meet G Man and Amanda in Sofa. However Sofa must have known they were coming and was shut, so instead they went in Troff, for a couple of drinks before heading to Rusholme, Shere Khan, Curry and to meet up with Nez and Owen, who were having a joint birthday bash, and Hew, Boots, Frank, Chris, Andy, Charlie and John-Mark, the other attendees. After a top curry, which, somewhat surprisingly didn’t get that messy, it was off to Big Hands. Well, that was the plan, but in dawdling along they missed getting there before 11 and therefore there were a few reluctant parties willing to pay the £4 to get in, and so a change of destination was made and it was across the road to the Oxford (which used to be the Hogshead). Despite Tequila madness from Squirrel, G Man, Nez and Frank, it wasn’t the most active place in the world, and the party split into two, with Squirrel, G Man, Amanda, Nez, Frank and Boots heading to 5^th Ave. First to leave was Frank, though upon leaving he struck up a conversation with a Chinese midget and went back to hers in Ancoats. G Man was escorted from the premises by Amanda for the second week in succession, leaving Squirrel, Nez and Boots as the ones there til the end. However upon exit they lost Boots, only for him to return five minutes later elated at scoring a big bag of weed for only a tenner. Back to Nez’s for a smoke then, with a brief stop for food, during which Boots insisted on everyone leaving messages for random people in Australia. I’m just glad it’s not my phone bill. Nez managed to throw his food all over the worst gravel pit possible, but managed to retrieve all the items and put it back together to eat. Back at Nez’s, Owen, Andy and Hew were still up watching Open University, and Boots skinned up, but the weed didn’t look normal, it smelt of herbs, and after smoking had a pine smell and taste to it. There was the definite feeling he’d been ripped off. He wandered off home as everyone else crashed out leaving his phone.

Saturday 3rd April – Frank got to Nez’s just after 8 after being ushered out of the Chinese midget’s flat in the early hours. Everyone was up to watch the football. Boots arrived back round later looking for his phone as we all got to see his bag of pine needles he’d bought the night before. A trip to the bookies followed, with bets all round for the Grand National. Squirrel and Frank won with their horse speeding past Nez’s in the final furlong. Owen had to return Ricky Organ’s laptop and therefore gave Squirrel a lift back to Chez Didsbury, where G Man had also won on the national. After a quick shower Squirrel and Hopalong headed back to the Parrswood, where Hopalong had spent most of the afternoon. After Squirrel kicked Hopalong’s ass at pool and they’d watched the boxing it was into Didsbury and a taxi to XS. Lots more drinks followed. Hopalong made Malc to be a Dirty Den look-alike. Squirrel pulled again, and then on leaving was pulled by another random. Hopalong was not in the mood to go anywhere, and refused to leave the kebab shop until Squirrel took his kebab and walked out. The same tactic was needed to get Hopalong to get out of the taxi and back to Chez Didsbury. Once food had been finished, Hopalong then decided he needed cigarettes, and made it as far as Fog Lane (with a stop to try and wake Justin up), before giving up, as there were no taxis (Fog Lane is half way to the garage). He came back and proceeded to fall asleep on the toilet.

Sunday 4th April – After a weekend like that it was a matter of taking it easy, and after Squirrel finished the remnants of his beer left the previous evening that’s what happened. Football was watched. Ricky Organ saw Jayne, Squirrel went to work, and Hopalong went into hiding. There was an attempt to watch a Sunday night film, but no one could be arsed to put a DVD into the PS2.

Monday 5th April – Busy little bastard time at work, but Monday night football calmed things.

Tuesday 6th April – As above, but the evening saw a magnificent Chelsea victory. The Chemist and Hopalong choosing to watch the match at the Didsbury.

Wednesday 7th April – Thankfully football was cancelled, as the squad was a bit threadbare. Ricky Organ was at another lifestyles of the rich and the famous day, with team building and drinking in Crewe.

Thursday 8th April – Straight from work G Man was in Ye Olde Cock, with Chris, and then managed to get into town and to Sinclair’s to meet Squirrel. After a couple there it was a random crawl across town, taking in new venues of Sam’s Chop House, The Crown, Seven Oaks, and The Overdraught on the way to 5^th Ave. However the pace of the evening got to be too much for a newly appointed lightweight G Man, and he wandered off towards Chez Didsbury getting back well before 1. Unperturbed Squirrel carried on drinking and dancing til throwing out time, with the sunglasses making their first appearance of the year, and surviving the evening. A stop at Abduls wasn’t that unexpected, but Squirrel’s patience in waiting for a bus got to him, and he decided it was a good idea to get the next one coming, which meant he ended up in West Didsbury and a long walk home. Elsewhere Wes was out at 42^nd Street with his housemates, getting himself into a similar state.

Friday 9th April – Hopalong was up early to go to the gym, and G Man was up early to puke. The Chemist had gone back up to Newcastle the previous evening, and the non motion of the house was jolted with Hopalong and Ricky Organ off to the driving range, where Ricky Organ’s perseverance and accuracy led to a large part of the dividing partition breaking off. Amanda returned from Essex, which led to the reclusion of G Man for the rest of the weekend. In the evening only Ricky Organ was up for going out and headed into Didsbury and the Dog and Partridge with Jayne.

Saturday 10th April – With Ricky Organ off to London, it left the deadly combination of Hopalong, Squirrel, and boredom, and sure enough shortly after 6 the temptation to do something was too much, and it was next stop Parrswood. After another ass kicking at pool for Hopalong, they headed to Didsbury and the Clocktower to watch the boxing, before heading into Fallowfield, where a couple of quick cheaper drinks were had in the Great Central, before heading to XS, where Squirrel had to turn his t-shirt inside out, cos it looked like a football top. Fortunately common sense prevailed and it was righted after a quick word. Needless to say things got messy, with tequila and Reefs joining the Stella’s in action, and a rare sighting of Becky, who is still not drinking. Closing time came too soon, which meant the normal Abduls and taxi route home.

Sunday 11th April – Severe lack of motion, which wasn’t helped by the demotivational arrival of Ricky Organ late evening.

Monday 12th April – As above, with the added apathy of the return of The Chemist. An early night may have been the plan, but Sky’s schedulers aren’t helping.

Tuesday 13th April – Back to work, and the rare sight of Ricky Organ up before Squirrel had left for work. The evening saw G Man at Old Trafford, and The Chemist and Hopalong on a Gym and the Didsbury combination.

Wednesday 14th April – An early evening kick off left scope for other activities, and Ricky Organ and Turkish took advantage by going to the Dog and Partridge, where they managed to finish runners up in the quiz and therefore get some jaffa cakes.

Thursday 15th April – One of those quiet days that may indicate a calm before the storm. However The Chemist did manage to make the posh Didsbury trilogy of the Hogshead, Pitcher and Piano and the Slug and Lettuce with Phil.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Seeks – In May, payday falls on the 27^th for a change, not the Thursday. (Actually May 27^th is a Thursday)

Asian Neighbour – That’s a nice car. If you were thinking about selling it, I’d be willing to buy it.

Squirrel (from the doorway of Chez Didsbury) – What are you doing, he’s not in, his car’s not there.

Hopalong – Uranian? You mean you’re from Uranus. You’re from another planet?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 16th April - It really is strange, just look at all the shit that happened in the last fortnight, and there was absolutely nothing planned by the time this went out. With the lack of plans this time, we can only hope it’s as exciting this time.

Saturday 17th April – Shh! It’s Zoë’s wedding, and no one’s been arsed to reply.

Sunday 18th April – More football, another grand prix, world championship snooker, and the last ever Sunday night film possibility.

Thursday 22nd April – There is no current budget for 5^th Ave, please try again next week.

Friday 23rd April – There is no current budget for XS, please try again next week.

Saturday 24th April – Hopalong, The Chemist and Ricky Organ get the keys to their new gaff, and will start the moving process. Not only that, but they’re having a first day House Warming Party. Bring Alcohol.

Sunday 25th April – Tuesday 27th April – Probably more moving, and house cleaning

Thursday 29th April – There is a current budget for 5^th Ave, please proceed with due haste.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight – Paul Scholes and Wayne Bridge – Great winning goals.

Chump of the Fortnight – Boots, for buying a bag of pine needles for a tenner in the mistaken belief that it was in fact weed.

RANDOM LIST

They all of course pale in comparison to the 700mph+ speed of the French built White Flag Surrender Special.

The average human body contains enough sulphur to kill all fleas on an average dog.

1558 – The first recorded doll’s house is made for Duke Albrecht V of Bavaria

1959 – Mattel launches Barbie, the first children’s doll to have an adult physiology.

1964 – Hasbro launches GI Joe, the first doll to have a target market of boys (Action Man in the UK)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

As a result of a curious resolution passed by the House of Commons in 1623, MP’s are unable to simply resign. Seats can only be vacated by: an MP’s death; elevation to the peerage; disqualification; expulsion; or by the dissolution of parliament. Thus an MP who wishes to leave the House of Commons is obliged to engineer disqualification by applying for a spurious, paid office of the crown. Traditionally, the two offices are:

Once an MP has applied for one of these posts, his warrant of office is signed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, his parliamentary seat becomes vacant, and a by election writ is moved in the usual way.

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

In the film Our Man in Havana: Alec Guinness plays chess with the chief of police, using miniature bottles of spirits as pieces; each piece taken has to be drunk by the player who took it. Guinness wins as the policeman collapses drunkenly.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

READER’S LETTERS

Yes people I know, there was no application form, but this time it is attached, and this time I do mean it! Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Fred Dineage, from Bicester, who winges, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. Why do you feel that you have to go on doing this to us all?" Cos I fucking feel like it

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Jose Maria Garcia from Albecente, Spain, with the following, “Siéntese y cállese, usted grande, calvo jode. ¡Yo no quiero la partida de mi país Doug, y yo especialmente no quiero la partidalo para nada las playas menos entonces cubiertas de arena, y para los cócteles con sombreros pequeños de paja! ¿Entendió usted una palabra de lo que él acaba de decir? En las palabras calladas de la Virgen María... vuelve. Era dos minutos hace cinco minutos. ¿Qué está en el coche? Usted no sirve de gran cosa a mí vivo son usted. ¡Usted levantará el Infierno! ¡Nunca pulsos de mente!” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Marty McFly, of Potomac, Oregon, writes and quite sensibly says the following, “I'm 19 now. When I was young, maybe around 18, I used to put on a ski mask, gloves, a long-sleeved t-shirt, jeans, socks, underwear, and boots, and go out into my backyard to kill bees. I would go over to my mom's lavender bushes and clap my hands on the bees for about an hour every day. God I hate bees.” And news just in, the Bees can confirm, they’re not exactly your biggest fan either.

Then we have this from Eric Taylor from Altrincham, Cheshire, who asks, “Why do women buy coats that are too small for them and walk along the street holding them closed? Why not buy one that actually fits and use the very clever, new fangled fastening method called the zip? Have they grown two sizes since leaving the store, or are they in denial?” Are you mad man? Give them zips and buttons to cope with every day, their heads would explode.

Anyway, there seems to have been somewhat of a male bias to the letters so far, so with the final word this week is a female (allegedly). Therefore Wendy Whittaker, from Spalding in Lincolnshire writes, “I have so much to tell Sabrina Venables who used to live in Bretton, Cambridgeshire. I’d love to see her again.” Why don’t you ring her up then you silly bint?

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

“Yes, but only for about the last ten minutes.” He replied, “It’s amazing what people tell you when you’re a pain in the arse.”

“I noticed you were gone for some time. You also looked drained when you came out, but I was expecting you to say something to everyone.”

“What would be the point, most of the passengers are scared of contact with me, as if I’m in some way responsible for what’s going on. Well that and the fact that I can’t keep my mouth shut. Besides, not only would they not believe what I’ve just heard, the majority wouldn’t want to believe it, and those that did would be freaking out more than any of the serial screamers we’ve got going at the moment. There are far too many fully loaded firearms lying about all over this plane to start people off. I wouldn’t mind one or two of them myself before we eventually get off this plane but I need to do it subtlely to prevent anyone realising what I’m doing.”

Andrea knelt down so that she could speak to him at the same level and so they could talk without really being overheard. As soon as she did so, the smell hit him again. He smiled and looked at Andrea. She looked so much like Claire it was untrue, it was all he could do not to lean over and kiss her. He closed his eyes briefly in an attempt to clear his thoughts, and when he opened them again Andrea started speaking.

“I’m not sure which conversation I want to have with you. I’d like to know what the hell is going on here, which I think you now have a fairly good idea of. But at the same time, I also want to talk to you. You looked like you’d seen the devil himself when you dived off the tube this morning, or was it yesterday morning? I’ve no idea what day or time it is.”

“I’d never seen you until I sat next to on the tube. I’d seen photos of you as a teenager, but hadn’t really took a lot of notice, and you’ve changed a fair bit since then. I have to admit that when I sat down next to you I couldn’t help checking you out, but the resemblance to Claire didn’t really click. Then I smelt the Eternity, and that set me off. I can’t smell it without thinking of Claire, and then when I looked at you again, the resemblance was obvious. Then you spoke my name and I lost it. It was like meeting a ghost. I had to get out of there and bolted as fast as I could. The fact you were on the same plane set me off again, it had been one of those freaky mornings before “our meeting”. The strange thing is that the hijacking focused me, and I’ve been sharper and more prepared to deal with anything since then.”

Andrea smiled, “I’d seen photos of you all the time you were with Claire, you haven’t changed much at all over the years, and very little since the funeral.”

“Yes,” she paused before continuing, “not that you would have seen me, I was there in the distance, but not near enough that any of the other mourners would have noticed.” After another pause Andrea continued, “Apart from Claire, I haven’t spoken to any of the family in nearly 15 years. My parents disowned me after I came to Europe as a teenager and got married. They didn’t approve of my living in Europe, and definitely not of me marrying Thorsten. Their general dislike of Germans, and the 28 year age gap kind of sealed it. The rest of the family fell in line, all except Claire. She thought it was all wonderfully free and romantic, and was so happy for me. All the way through, she wrote, and then in later days e-mailed. I’m quite sure that our parents didn’t know about it, as they would have given her such a hard time. Rachel rang me to let me know the funeral details, and I came to say goodbye, even if it was at a distance.”

So many things going through my head that could be reviewed, but nothing I could really do justice to. So here are a few shorts.

Market Harborough

Sitting at the south of the county just before you get to the River Welland and therefore the border with Northamptonshire, is the town of Market Harborough, base for the Harborough District Council, and the largest town in the vicinity. This however was not always the case.

Created in the late 12^th century, Market Harborough was a medieval new town. Planned as a market town, close to the River Welland, and on an alternative, and more direct route from Leicester to Northampton and London. Created as a dependant to the then much larger, Great Bowden parish.

When the large St. Dionysius church was built, it fell under the control of the St Mary in Arden church, itself a dependant to the parish of St. Peter and St. Paul at Great Bowden. The church merged parishes with St. Mary in Arden in 1613, however burials remained under the control of the rectors at St. Mary in Arden, as did the fees payable. This explains the unusual site of a large medieval church, and no churchyard. Burials continued at St. Mary in Arden until the opening of the town cemetery in 1877.

In 1614, and in the shadow of St. Dionysius, the old grammar school was built, though suffering hard times during the 19^th century, the school survives to this day and now thrives on new premises with over 1000 pupils.

During medieval times and until the coming of the canals and railways, Market Harborough thrived as a market town, and coaching inn post. However both the coming of the canals, and the coming of the railways got the Market Harborough later than a lot of other towns, and so both trade and growth were hit as they lost out to other locations, better positioned on the transport network. By the time that the railways eventually got to Market Harborough in the 1850’s the town was in remission.

However during the late 19^th century, the Symington family transformed the fortunes of the town. Starting out in the late 1880’s the Symington family opened their corset factory. With their revolutionary designs and inventions for women’s underwear, they became the towns major employers, and when in the early 20^th century, another of the Symington family opened a packet food company, producing many packet and condensed foods, such as soups, Market Harborough had turned the corner and continues to thrive to this day. One of the former Symington factories now stands as the Market Harborough Museum

Died – 1996 – Jessica Dubroff. (During an attempt at the age of 7 to be the youngest to fly across the US)

Holiday – In Costa Rica it’s Juan Santamaria day / Battle of Rivas Commemoration

You will see ‘The Awful Horror’ of which the prophet Daniel spoke. It will be standing in the holy place.

No people, I don’t know what the awful horror is, who Daniel is, or where the holy place is. So don’t bother asking

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Blottesque

Of painting characterized by blotted touches heavily laid on; a rough executed picture.

Sibberidge

The banns of matrimony. It is often called sibrit, which would lead us to suppose it was connected with Sibrede, relationship, kindred, and the latter was the more ancient and correct form. This word has been peculiar to the Eastern counties, more especially Suffolk.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, When I’m 64 is on the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album. The winner of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is a Steven Simpson, from Shrewsbury, in Shropshire. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, if you retire at 65 today, what is the maximum number of years you could have been legally working? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 14th April wins a copy of the Inland Revenue Pension regulations.

JOKES

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know."

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

A lonely frog telephones a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you," replies the personal psychic adviser. "Great," croaks the frog, thrilled to bits, "will I meet her at a party?" "No," replies the psychic, "in biology, tomorrow."

Q. What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? A. Most of the time, an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get an ass so great it brings tears to your eyes.

Two scientists, one Russian, and one Czech, devote their lives to studying Ursus Arctos, the mighty grizzly bear. Having petitioned their respective governments for years for a budget to allow them to journey to Yellowstone and study the bears, their requests are finally granted and they fly immediately to the states. They report to the ranger station and are told that it's mating season and therefore too dangerous to be in the field with the beasts. But the pair are having none of it and plead with the ranger. Against his better judgement, he finally gives in but tells them to report in every day on their phones. For several days everything is fine, then nothing. The ranger calls a tracker and after a few hours search, the duo's camp is found completely ravaged with no sign of the missing scientists. The tracker quickly locates a trail from a male and female bear, and before long the search party finds the female bear asleep. One shot and she's dead, and inside her belly the remains of the Russian scientist. "You know what this means don’t you?" says the tracker. "Yep," replies the ranger, "the Czech's in the male".

While touring an Indian reservation in North America, a prudish old documentary maker is puzzled why some of the natives' head dresses have more feathers than others. She approached a brave sporting just one feather: "Can you tell me about your head dress?" "Only have one woman," replies the brave, "one woman, one feather." Slightly taken aback, the film maker decides to interview the tribe chief. Wandering over, she notices his head dress is bristling with all sorts of feathers. "My goodness," she gasps, "could you tell me why you have so many feathers?" The chief stands proud: “Me chief, me sleep with all - big, small, fat, tall - sleep with all." The old girl is astounded: "Why you ought to be hung for such behaviour!" "You damn right," replies the chief, "me hung big like buffalo, long like snake!" "Well there's no need to be so hostile," says the film maker. "Hoss style," continues the chief, "dog style, wolf style, any style - me sleep with all." The old girl is mortified at such promiscuity: "Oh dear..." she sighs. "No deer," frowns the chief, "ass too high, run too fast."

A fighter pilot sits himself down at the bar and orders a drink. A young woman joins him, notices his military dress and strikes up a conversation: "Are you a real fighter pilot?" "Lady, I've spent my whole life flying jets," explains the ace, "deploying to war zones, jinking through dogfights, shooting down bandits. You bet I’m a fighter pilot. Damn good one as well!" The pair sip their drinks, another few moments pass and then the woman speaks up. "I'm a lesbian," she reveals, "spend my whole day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think women. I even think about women when I eat. Everything makes me think of women." Again the pair take a sip of their drinks, and sink back into a contemplative silence. A stranger wanders over, orders a drink and settles down next to the pilot. "Hey! are you a real fighter pilot?" The pilot lifts his glass, "You know son, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Tony. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Little Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Tony says Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Tony, that's a mouthful." Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Little Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Formerly known as the Spinners, but they changed their name to avoid confusion with Irish folk group of the same name, they became the Motown Spinners until they left the label in 1972, and they became the Detroit Spinners. This was only their eight hit in a chart career that had spanned over 10 years in the UK, and would continue sporadically for another 15 after this hit. It reached number one on its 8^th week on the chart and stayed at number one for 2 weeks during a 14 week chart stay.

This all girl group consisting of Susanna Hoffs, Vicki & Debbie Peterson and Michael Steele got their only UK number 1 with this their ninth UK chart release. A slow climber it took 9 weeks to get to number one and spent a healthy 4 weeks at number one in a 18 week chart stay. After becoming the best selling female group of all time (since relinquished) they split just 6 months after this fell from number 1. The song hit number one again in 2001 when the appalling Atomic Kitten covered it.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

OK, while I’ve got some info, I’ll do the Bangles. (Or is that just wishful thinking?)

This all girl group consisting of Susanna Hoffs, Vicki & Debbie Peterson and Michael Steele came together in 1984 to form a group called the Bangs, named after a hairstyle, however they quickly changed it to The Bangles, and were soon noticed by CBS. Critics have said that Susanna wasn’t the best singer, but was a required evil, as she was quite fit, and the rest of the band suffered from the ugly tree syndrome. Their career took off with their first single release, the Prince penned Manic Monday (obviously nothing to do with the fact Susanna was shagging him at the time). For the next four years, a mixture of self penned songs (Walk like an Egyptian, Eternal Flame), and unusual covers (Hazy Shade of Winter, and Going Down to Liverpool) saw them become the worlds best selling all female group of all time, overtaking the Supremes (Obviously no justice in the world, especially when they only lost the record to the Spice Girls). They split in late 1989, with only Susanna having any modicum of solo success, despite her constant refusal to accept large cash offers to pose nude for Playboy. Talks are currently underway for a reunion, a tour and new album, but we can always hope for the best.

Recommended single – Hazy Shade of Winter. Surprisingly good cover of the Simon and Garfunkel classic

Recommended album – Do I have to? Yeah? OK then, The Greatest Hits. Filters out most of the dross from their other albums. Would really have worked better as a five track EP.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army – The acapella version(s) by Squirrel and Ricky Organ

WACKY RACES

The Third grand prix of the season saw a little bit of movement, though not a lot, and the overall table is fairly tight, probably due to the fact that there are a lot of similar choices, though the top two are drawing away slightly.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	2284	24
2nd	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	2283	24
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	2219	14
4th	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	2197	15
5th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	2183	12
6th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	2166	11
7th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	2157	14
	After Bahrain Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

A new season starts with four new teams to play, but the four rivalries disappearing. Dehulberto La Cortina and The Team with no name going to division 4, and Ashton Athletic and Inter Pie and Chips slipping down to the new division 6. A challenging season lies ahead, and who knows what’s likely to happen.

Panic surrounded the team, failure to fulfil their last fixture of the previous season saw Hit the Bar owing money and struggling, to get a team for the first fixture of the new season. However a last minute phone call saw their opponents, Withington FC bottle it and wimp out, leaving Hit the Bar to make a deal with Powerleague for reduced payments, and a walkover 10-0 victory to start the season. Start as we mean to go on.

Squirrel – Wasted a lot of time trying to get a team only for the opposition to bottle it. Managed to negotiate what would have been £105 pay out down to £45 – 7 SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN

G Man – Had difficulties trying to rally the troops, but stepped in to pay the fees over the phone to prevent any journey to Powerleague – 7

Dancing – Failed to get any joy from operation potato, though willing to step in and pick up Nez and Boots - 6

Nez – Inability to answer the phone all day left last minute decisions to be made. Let off by cancellation. – 6

Owen & Ricky Organ – Both out of town and therefore jointly this weeks’ POWERLEAGUE POOFTERS – 4

After a default win last week, the first proper game of the season had been eagerly awaited. A lengthy three-week break saw Hit The Bar arrive looking fresh and in high spirits, although some doubts loomed about the lack of any pre-season training. A squad of seven showed up, with Turkish back in the fray after a lengthy absence. The opponents were new boys the Red Devils, who later became known as FC Polska, all kitted out in white, obviously they were unaware that this is HTB's colour, and that they were on dangerous ground by choosing the same.

A sluggish start from HTB, with little or no communication. Meanwhile FC Polska were loud and organised and capitalised by taking an early lead. After 5 minutes or so, HTB found some rhythm and scored some beautiful team goals helped by some top-notch finishing. The more HTB pressed, the more mistakes the FC Polska made and they began to become frustrated, and ended up going in at half time one behind HTB at 8-7.

The air must have been blue in the FC Polska changing room and whatever was said had the right effect because the start of the second half saw very tight marking and good organisation by the FC Polska, which forced HTB into some silly errors. The initial result was a good goal from wide on the right by the FC Polska and this was followed by a carbon copy seconds later, and then another, and another, until they were running out of carbon. With HTB's defence in ruins, and their finishing skills packed up and gone home, the team's heads dropped and they managed to add just 3 more goals to their first half total, whereas the FC Polska seemed to score for fun.

Final score: 15-11 to FC Polska. Where did it all go wrong for Hit The Bar? First of all, no team can expect to let in 15 goals in a game of 5-a-side and still win. The defence started off ok but just seemed to go AWOL as the game progressed. There needs to be some more collective responsibility within the team - if Owen is subbed off, who's going to cover at the back? If HTB go on the attack, who's covering back if the move break's down. And who's marking who? A couple of times when there was communication between HTB's players, the FC Polska found it hard to break them down. But as soon as the talking stops, the FC Polska invariably had a 2-on-1 somewhere. Some of the poor defence comes down to a lack of match fitness, which hopefully should improve over the next couple of weeks. As for attacking, at times HTB were sublime, but the finishing still needs to be worked on as many chances went begging. Perhaps some pre-match shooting and finishing would benefit the team?

Squirrel: New season, new hair colour. The number of saves he made probably flattered HTB when it came to the final score. Stopped countless one on ones but the opposition discovered a weakness and kept banging goals in from wide on the right, which on other days he might have stopped, although the blame can be shared with the defence for these - 7

Cock Boy: New season, new derogatory name. Ricky Organ appeared up for this one but like the rest took a while to get going. Good encouragement and communication when he was on the sidelines but needed to give more of that on the pitch. Didn't score any but made it clear that he was more of a provider, and to be fair he was. Could have scored a handful too but for some woeful shooting, and worryingly seemed pleased that "they were only going just over". Bad enough to be rated "the gay" this week and SURERANDOMALITY SPOONER - 6

Dancing: Started and finished sluggishly, but played quite well in the middle. Hit the top corner with both his goals but can be thankful to some good passing which allowed that to happen. Made some good blocks at the back but at times was caught in possession - 7

Owen: A slightly nervy start but soon got stuck in. Was probably HTB's most consistent and determined performer on the night and the team looked more solid when he was on the pitch. Scored a couple of beauties too, only criticism could be a tendency to be uncertain with the ball when in possession, sometimes leading to mistakes. Oh, and the blatant penalty he conceded, but still SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

G-Man: The crowd were hoping to see some of the G-Man of old - bristling with energy, determined tackling and well-earned goals. And there were glimpses of this, with two goals to his name the result, but he seemed to fade rapidly come the second half and finished disappointingly. Hopefully there is more to come - 7

Nez: The crowd were hoping to see some of the Nez of old - bristling with energy, determined tackling and well-earned goals. And there were glimpses of this, with three goals to his name the result, but he seemed to fade rapidly come the second half and an injury to his ankle and knee didn't help. Hopefully there is more to come - 7

Turkish: Back in the team after some time out, his game was a mixed bag. At times his touch was terrible but at other times he played some good passes and also contributed with a couple of nice goals. Was guilty of ball watching at times and he too needs to get some match fitness. - 6

Squirrel 10, Nez 3, G Man2, Dancing 2, Owen 2, Turkish 2.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	2	2	0	0	22	5	17	0	6
FC POLSKA	2	2	0	0	24	13	11	0	6
ED DYNAMOS	2	2	0	0	17	10	7	0	6
VASKO DE GATLEY	2	1	1	0	23	17	6	0	3
HIT THE BAR	2	1	1	0	21	15	6	0	3
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	2	0	2	0	11	19	-8	0	0
EXPOTEL	2	0	2	0	9	26	-17	0	0
WITHINGTON FC	2	0	2	0	0	20	-20	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Had a couple of outings after being in season therefore fitness will have been heightened. Off the pace challenger. Plum draw in ‘red’.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

In a four round tournament, a professional golfer’s clubs will only be in contact with the ball for approximately one tenth of a second.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1546
2nd	Tip Top Team	1493
3rd	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1421
4th	Molineux Misfits	1418
5th	Full Gun Lollipops	1388
6th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1382
7th	Chelle's Allstars	1369
8th	Seek'em & Destroy	1354
9th	Magpie City FC	1286
10th	Wednesday Wannabes	1278
11th	Russian Gold	1274
12th	Westside XI	1269
13th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1233
14th	The World's Smallest Violin	1232
15th	Nic	1223
16th	Shit or Bust	1219
17th	Andy	1214
18th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1211
19th	Requiem For A Team	1167
20th	No use for a name	1160
21st	Owen	1107
22nd	MUP(pet)S	1037
23rd	Nez	1031
24th	The Unidumpers	990
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	794
26th	Whipping Boys	723
	Upto and Including 14th April

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Morning, Blondie & Dancing.

Chesterfield
Founded						1866
Turned Professional						1891
Admitted to the League						1999
Previous Names						Chesterfield Town
Nickname (s)						Blues, Spireites
Ground						Saltergate
Capacity						8,502
Previous Grounds						None
Seasons in Each Division
1						0
2						20
3						48
4						18
Trophies
Division 3 (N)						1930-31, 1935-36
Division 4						1969-70, 1984-85
Anglo Scottish Cup						1981
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1866, they had somewhat of a casual existence in the early years, until they became professional in 1891.
Synopsis - Major Events						Elected to Division 2 in 1899, they survived for 10 years before failing re-election and dropping out of the league in 1909. Came back as founder members of the 3^rd Division North in 1921. Have never reached the top flight, coming closest in the first season after the second world war where they missed promotion by two places.
Synopsis - Recent times						The late 1990’s saw them settled in division 3 and flirting with the playoff places. 1997 saw their best ever run in the FA cup, where they lost in somewhat controversial circumstances to Middlesbrough. Relegation came in 2000, but they bounced straight back amidst accusations of financial irregularities that saw them docked points and therefore the championship.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They are the fourth oldest league club, and have the record of the longest time spent at the same ground, as they have been at Saltergate since their founding in 1866. Until the Arsenal scum beat the record last year they had held the longest consecutive run of scoring in league games at 46 during the 1929-30 and 1930-31 seasons.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
0	0		0		0			0		0		0		0		0		0		0		0
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		-			-		-		-		-		-		-		-		-