Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Queenstown Lakes District Council has moved to prohibit brothels on hovercraft. Is there a problem with hovering brothels in the Otago, New Zealand area? Not yet, says the Council's lawyer, Kevin Phillips. "We wanted to be sure there weren't ways of circumventing the bylaw" by adding hovercraft to the list of vehicles where brothels are prohibited. - Yet again Kevin Phillips manages to find a way not to score.

Montgomery County, Ala., sheriff deputies pulled over a man who was weaving all over the road. He reeked of alcohol and talked to them with slurred speech. They dragged him off to jail, right? Nope: driver Alvin Holmes, a Democratic state representative, said he was on his way home from a session of the legislature, so it would be illegal for the officers to arrest him. During legislative sessions -- or when travelling to or from sessions -- Alabama state law only lets the police arrest legislators for felonies, treason or breach of peace. They drove him home. "We couldn't do anything," says Sheriff D.T. Marshall. - Yeah, and who do you think brought in that law then?

Roarie Golder, 56, violated her probation after being convicted of drug offences, and Hamilton County (Ohio) Common Pleas Court Judge Patrick Dinkelacker ordered her to jail. Golder asked the judge to stay that order until after Christmas, and he agreed. The judge also granted a request that her term start after January 5 so she wouldn't have to be in jail on her birthday. When she finally reported to the judge for sentencing, she presented her last resort: a "Get Out of Jail Free" card that she had taken out of a Monopoly game. "I thought it was kind of funny," Dinkelacker said. "I did not take it in any way that she was actually thinking it would work." He ordered her to the county jail for 30 days -- immediately. - Are you sure it wasn’t Ghettopoly?

As the Romanian government hurries to improve law-enforcement sophistication in its campaign for European Union membership, villagers in the Transylvania region are resisting police crackdowns on their traditional practice of vampire killings, according to a March Knight Ridder News Service report. Vampires are just people who go bad upon death and cause continuing grief to family members unless they are re-killed. The body is dug up; the heart is removed with a curved sickle and burned (but it will likely squeak like a mouse and try to escape unless held down); and the ashes are mixed with water and drunk. Villagers are outraged that some may face criminal charges for disturbing the dead, which carries a three-year prison sentence. - So now you know!

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Celebrations all round, as Big Fat Ron is forced to resign, meaning no more listening to the utter shite coming out of his mouth

A tentative date has been set for the next Surerandomality night out. Friday 25^th June. More details to follow.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Clickety Click. The more eagle eyed amongst you will notice that this is out a little earlier than usual, this is due to the fact that I’m off tomorrow (today as you’re probably reading this). You may also notice that it is a bit wordy as well. Another hectic couple of weeks, sees the sad demise of one of the stalwarts of this publication Chez Didsbury. Time alone can tell whether the two heirs to the throne, Chez Kingsway and Chez Woodheys can fill in the void left by it’s passing. For the first time since the publication went to fortnightly I’ve had two weeks where I’ve not been a busy little bastard at work, meaning that it was finished early, but there again helping with the moving processes meant that it really needed to be. This weekend marks the first anniversary of the first ever Surerandomality night out, and although there is no corresponding event this year, there are the inklings of a plan for the next one. At the moment all we have is a date, Friday, 25^th June. A plan will be forthcoming, the usual suspects will be involved, as most probably, will the usual destinations. Keep your eyes on this space for future updates. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 16th April – G Man and Amanda picked a lovely time to go camping in the Lake District for the weekend, so you can basically blame them for the torrential rain all weekend. Meanwhile back at Chez Didsbury early evening drinking started pre football watching, with Hopalong and The Chemist out into Didsbury at half time to watch the second half in the Clocktower. Ricky Organ came back with Jayne just as the match was finishing, and Squirrel then took the opportunity to join the other two in Didsbury. However neither of them had reception so Squirrel had to trawl through the Dog and Partridge, The Clocktower, and O’Neill’s before finding them in the Hogshead. After a few more beers it was closing time for Didsbury, and the Chemist headed home leaving Hopalong and Squirrel to make the now familiar trip to XS. Yet again the bouncers thought they were being funny by saying it was full before letting them in. Time passed quickly, with some drinking, dancing, chatting to Becky, and Hopalong giving the cleaner from his work’s sister his number. They are supposed to be twins, but it has to be said the cleaner seems to have got all the teeth, which meant that the choice of her sister was a surprising one. The normal Kebab – taxi route home followed and another late crawl to bed.

Saturday 17th April – Most people were up early enough to put bets and get food, however Squirrel didn’t manage to leave his pit until mid afternoon. The arrival of Zac only minutes later with beer meant that Squirrel by passed food and started drinking again straight away. After a monumental struggle to get motion from the residents of Chez Didsbury, Zac finally managed to prise Ricky Organ, Hopalong and Squirrel out just after 7 to head into Didsbury and O’Neill’s. Once there they met up with the crowd out for Kerry’s birthday which included Dancing, Alison, Dec, Phil, Greg, Matt, Woody, Stella and some other random females that it was felt better I wasn’t introduced to. After a few in O’Neill’s then it was taxis into town and to Sinclair’s Oyster Bar, where lots of Weiss beer was the flavour of the day. Everyone then headed over to the Printworks with the plan of getting into Lucid. Well, everyone except Squirrel, who in t-shirt, jeans and trainers had no intention of doing any such thing. He was having another beer and then heading for XS. However, little did he know he wouldn’t be making the trip alone. Back in the queue for Lucid, Ricky Organ and Zac were having a play fight. Despite being told by bouncers to quit twice they continued and were ejected from the queue. They, alone with the calming influence of Hopalong (Yes really!) headed to Waxy O’Connor’s, where everyone apart from Kerry (who had got in free with a borrowed press pass) had gone to as the queue for Lucid was stupid. However one of the bouncers had been the one that had asked Ricky Organ and Zac to quit earlier and they were refused entry. Not only that but the Manager of the Printworks arrived on the scene to kick them off the entire complex. Hopalong managed to steer Ricky Organ away without him getting a beating (see quotes), as Zac gave telephone commentary to Dancing. They found Squirrel still drinking in Sinclair’s and they headed out of town. Ricky Organ and Zac got to Rusholme and decided on food at Caspian. Squirrel and Hopalong headed for XS. Back in the Printworks Kerry was throwing a strop cos no one had gone into Lucid and went and got everyone, with the exception of Dancing who objected to shelling out a tenner, as so went home via Fallowfield for a kebab stop. In between early pints Squirrel changed Del’s phone to Italian, more drinks and dancing followed, with Squirrel getting off with the woman he’d done a few weeks previously. Meanwhile Hopalong was chatting up someone else, and come closing time it turned out that her and her guard dog mate were going back to Chez Didsbury, and they were seen by the passing Alison and Stella as they tried to get a taxi. Once there, Zac and Ricky Organ were both found asleep in the living room. Squirrel opened the vodka (absolutely, positively no fucking need) and then proceeded to give the guard dog a tour of the house, including a detailed inspection of his room. The guard dog left later (without her mate, but not without a fit of histrionics) as Squirrel continued drinking.

Sunday 18th April – Hopalong was up first as his guest left. Everyone else was up and getting ready to go into Fallowfield for food. They woke Squirrel just before 12, and he proceeded to horrify them by finishing the remains of the vodka. The Great Central was the choice for food with Hopalong, The Chemist, Ricky Organ and Squirrel all opting for the big fuck off mixed grill, and Zac somewhat bizarrely opting for a salad. Diet coke was the drink of choice, with one obvious exception, who was on the Stella. After food it was across the road to watch the football in the Friendship. Zac regained enough wits to attempt to drive back to Leeds, and at half time the rest headed back to Chez Didsbury, where they found that G Man and Amanda had got back and were attempting to dry their sodden tent. Somewhat amazingly Ricky Organ and The Chemist went to play squash. Meanwhile Hopalong was making the sofa his for the day, but was receiving constant torment from the mischievous Squirrel. Jayne came round to see Ricky Organ in the evening and the start of the Snooker championships saw the start of the watching of it.

Monday 19th April – A Sunday night film on a Monday, you better believe it, and it was a repeat showing of Irreversible. Meanwhile The Chemist and Hopalong were out doing the gym and The Didsbury double act again.

Tuesday 20th April – Ricky Organ was out with Jayne for a while, and G Man was at Old Trafford, but on the whole it was very much a lounging evening. G Man, who now has the keys to his flat, was to be found without Amanda for the first time in ages, and was last seen going to bed with the Argos Catalogue. I didn’t realise they did lingerie.

Wednesday 21st April – The Chemist and newly single Hopalong headed for Didsbury as the rest of the residents headed for football. Squirrel got to see his new abode and G Man went to spend the night at Amanda’s, after losing interest in the Argos catalogue. Hopalong and The Chemist arrived back after the Pitcher and Piano and The Pear Tree carrying kebabs, and then had a hour long pointless “discussion” with Ricky Organ about smoking.

Thursday 22nd April – Ricky Organ went out for a curry with Jayne. Meanwhile G Man became the first to actually move out of Chez Didsbury, managing to fit all his worldly belongings in two cars. Squirrel moved some of his stuff too, as The Chemist and Hopalong had baby food while watching the football.

Friday 23rd April – Half past eight in the morning isn’t exactly the time you expect people to start drinking, however it was just the time that G Man and his work colleagues did, and they were on a beer bus to Alton Towers for a very messy day, that by the end of it had left G Man in a speechless state not much after everyone else had gone out. Ricky Organ and Turkish had gone straight out with some other work colleagues and were getting totally ratted in Wilmslow. Meanwhile Hopalong and Squirrel, managed to get to the Parrswood before eight, and in a turnaround from recent weeks, Hopalong ended up kicking Squirrel’s ass at pool. Next stop was the Clocktower, where Hopalong was trying to drum up participants for the Chez Kingsway housewarming the next day. After a few acceptances (the polite “yes, whatever, just go away now” ones) they moved on to Squirrels where they met up with Planty, Rich and a couple of others, before heading for the final destination of XS. Hopalong met up with Kelly and Jodie (see previous Friday) and got a taxi back towards Didsbury at the end of proceedings, and left Squirrel to do the normal kebab and taxi run back to Chez Didsbury by himself.

Saturday 24th April – Everyone was up fairly early, but to say that they weren’t feeling tip top was somewhat of an understatement. Squirrel found he had left half his kebab on the sofa, but Hopalong threw it away before he could microwave and eat it. The moving process to Chez Kingsway started, which was hampered by the hung over / docile state of the movers and the fact that Ricky Organ had to get his car back from Wilmslow. A few trips followed, and then a nightmare trip to Tesco’s for some of the worst kind of pissed up shopping. Then mid afternoon, G Man managed to reverse and hit another car at a set of traffic lights. By all accounts it was at a funny angle. The “party” started with the arrival of both Zac and Matt over from Yorkshire, directed by Squirrel, and they were soon joined by Turkish and his mate Singo, who had been out drinking in Didsbury all day. Basically not a great deal happened. Phil and Lydia came over for a few hours. Tessa came later on for a couple of hours, and Hopalong went to the Gateway to meet Kelly and Jodie and bring them back, only for them to take him off to Stockport where they went to Sam’s and Pure. Back at the “party”, Zac was less than impressed with the mood and turnout, and was providing the only entertainment, by wearing sunglasses (a normal Squirrel characteristic), abusing people, and bringing up the classic get together conversations of Animal porn, Wanking Mirrors, and Cocks through Letterbox. Hopalong arrived back from Stockport with the words, “good things come to those who wait” ringing in his ears, and everyone was crashed out before 3.

Sunday 25th April – Matt felt the need to be up before 8 and out to go surfing, and Zac felt that it was time to start watching films. A triple header of football followed, with Zac heading back to Leeds halfway through. Squirrel eventually wandered back to Chez Didsbury. Meanwhile the evening saw Hopalong out with Kelly again, with stops in Didsbury, and the Dog and Partridge in Heaton Mersey.

Monday 26th April – A bit more stuff moved out of Chez Didsbury, but nothing exciting going on.

Tuesday 27th April – See above for details. The only difference is that G Man went to Ikea for a couple of small items, but ended up spending nearly £200. That’s what happens when you take women shopping with you.

Wednesday 28th April – An early kick off in the football would only mean one thing, and that’s a Hit the bar outing to the Dog & Partridge to do the quiz. G Man headed home to see what kind of disaster area Amanda had turned Chez Woodheys into while doing DIY and Nez went home to calm down, leaving Ricky Organ, Dancing, Turkish and Squirrel to go to the pub where they were joined by The Chemist, Alison and a couple of other randoms. Needless to say, but I’m going to say it anyway, they won the quiz.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Squirrel (To Zac as he walks into Chez Didsbury wearing check shirt) – Nice Tablecloth

Zac (To Chinese bird) – The Chinese only use chopsticks cos they never got round to inventing the spoon.

Zac (Again, about young couples buying houses) – Yeah, their combined wages would be enough to get a mortgage, but at 23-24, she’s going to be child bearing age, and they’re not going to afford it then.

Bouncer at Waxy O’Connor’s (To Ricky Organ with a supreme piece of personality recognition) – You’re a cunt.

Zac (Yet again, in a somewhat confused State) – It was like that with the rugby team as well. They were full of Ra Ra. (pause) Henry’s

Martin (Karen’s other half while arguing over who a presenter is on TV) – That’s Clive James, the one who did Tarrant on TV

Seeks (On arriving at work after cycling in) – I’m sweating like a paedophile in Mothercare.

It’s after 5-a-side and Squirrel has told Nez about his ex-wife faking a death cert to get his vinyl out of storage to sell it.

Nez (Genuinely & without the slightest hint of sarcasm) – Was it an amicable split?

Squirrel – It’s tip top mate, I’m just not sure about the colour of the bathroom.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Thursday 29th April – With a trip to 5^th Ave on the cards anything could happen, but the most likely outcome is that things will get messy.

Friday 30th April - Anything could happen, but you all knew that anyway didn’t you?

Saturday 1st May – Chez Didsbury becomes a part of history as the keys go back, and every last trace of life there is removed from the house. Squirrel finally moves out and into G Man’s

Sunday 2nd May – Will lounging be the same? Will there be Sunday night films? Who knows?

Monday 3rd – Tuesday 4th May – Monday is a bank holiday, so it’s going to be another day of not doing a great deal, followed by busy time at work. Meanwhile Dancing has managed to wangle a 5 day “business” trip to Bali and heads off on Monday.

Friday 7th May – The weekend has landed. Now then, where have I heard that before?

Saturday 8th May – Only 231 days left til Christmas, start getting those presents now.

Sunday 9th May – Tuesday 11th May – It’s time to be calm, time for recollection, apart from when at work, when it’s busy little bastard time.

Thursday 13th May – National Where is the Stone Day? Everyone has to find a stone and bring it to work.

CHEZ DIDSBURY – AN OBITUARY

The end of an era is upon us. With effect from 12.30 this Saturday, May 1^st 2004, the world that has been Chez Didsbury officially comes to an end. It seems a world away from Saturday 29^th September 2002 when the four residents, G Man, Hopalong, Ricky Organ and Squirrel moved in. Surerandomality hadn’t even been thought of then, and people still had their original names. The residents are moving to new locations, with Hopalong, Ricky Organ and The Chemist (Long time temporary resident) moving to the new Chez Kingsway location, and Squirrel and G Man moving to their new Chez Woodheys location. What follows is a brief synopsis of the life and times of Chez Didsbury.

First day there laid the groundwork for what would follow. Stuff was moved in, with the help of various people, and Squirrel came out from the shower exclaiming, “This ain’t no instamatic muthafucker!” to a room with all the residents, The Chemist, Little Mark, Phil, and Hopalong’s dad in it. People had fun and games finding their way back that first night, and it was the first of regular occasions where people crashed over, with people stopping over ever week for the first 10 weeks. Since then:-

Fry Ups Housewarming party, Darth Maul pulling pants, FIFA 2003, Eyebrow Shaving, Crying at the Discotec, Poker schools, If you can’t reach it – use a crutch, MTV, Chess, Chillies, G Man’s birthday carnage, Gold, Dartboard, Tequila Roulette and the Christmas party, Non residents cooking Christmas dinner, Boxing day shit films, The Getaway, more guests, Fajitas, Weights Bench, Hawk Days, The Baby, Getting locked in the bathroom, Child invaders in the garden, Football playing, Smoothies, Swiss furniture rearrangement, Sunday night films, First temporary residency, Worm Boy, Speaking Pikey, Frying pan on a string, Guests without alarm code = alarm going off, SARS isolation, Second temporary residency, Air gun, Fuse box terrorism, Monkey mating, Barbecues, Garden Party, Bouncy Castle, Fugal sticks, Absinthe, more guests, Casino on line, Third (short term) temporary residency, and start of Long term temporary residency, Vice City, Condemned boiler, Hedgehogs, Improved levels of laziness, Sleeping in chairs, International king of sports, play fights and holes in walls, Golf, Pizzas, New Thursday night sleeping arrangements, couple’s night’s in, Tekken Bowling, Puking in suitcases, Tiger Woods, Late night poker watching, Decks, Scrabble and Sinatra, Packing cutlery, Mini Pool, Friday night carnage, Holes in doors, Britain’s hardest, Eviction notice, Even more guests, Tension, Seven Nation Army, Cleaning, Packing, Leaving.

That only scratches the surface. There have been some great times, some shit times, laughs, tears, lunacy, lounging, and a supporting cast of literally tens, but the one thing you can say is it’s never been boring, so please, wherever you are and whatever you are doing, remember that on Saturday at 12.30pm, raise a glass, drink a beer, and shed a tear for the passing of Chez Didsbury.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight – Hit The Bar for the brilliant performance on the 21^st April.

Chump of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ, how does anyone manage to get thrown out of the whole of the Printworks?

READER’S LETTERS

Yes people I know, there was an application form, but no time limit, and this time I do mean to give the deadline date to you! It’s Wednesday 12^th May. Current leading application is from Morning and has scored 23. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Minerva Smith, from Gloucester, who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. I really don’t think you should keep doing this to us?" What have I told you about thinking?

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Ruud Van Bobbel from Amsterdam, Holland, with the sublime, “U kan mij Susan roepen indien het u gelukkig maakt. Geen Tommy. Er is een vuurwapen in je broek. Wat doet een vuurwapen in je broek? Je stoelen? Tyrone, dit is een gestolen auto, partner. Zul kun hoe u verliest hem, is hij geen stel van autosleutels. Het is niet zoals hij incon-klere-spicuous is. U bent niet veel gebruik naar mij levend zijn u. Indien het aan u altijd niet werkt, kan hem opdat slaan. Is goed het gene vrije winkel is het? Neuk zo van! Hij is heel een bezige bastaard dat Turks geweest.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Carly Curtails, of Richmond, Virginia, writes and goes on, “When I was eight my parents took me over to their friends house for a dinner party. They sent me downstairs to go play, where they had games and a Ping-Pong table. When I got downstairs their huge cat that was lounging around on the Ping-Pong table. I had heard that when cats fall they always land on their feet. I don't know why but I decided to find out if it was true. Unfortunately I wasn't really strong enough to pick it up correctly and wasn't prepared for the cats crazy reaction to being picked up, so I freaked and instead of tossing it a short distance, I ended up throwing it across the Ping-Pong table, it flew off the table and smashed into a bookshelf filled with board games and the whole thing came crashing down, the cat freaked and bolted out of the room. There were like a thousand board games and all kinds shit spilled all over the place. My parents came running downstairs to see what had happened. I told them that the cat had gone crazy and jumped up onto the bookshelf. They seemed to believe me. The cat turned out to be fine, although I was really worried for a while. I love animals and would never do that again - but it sure was fun.” Not as much fun as barbecuing a cat, I can assure you.

Then we have a Ms Marie McKinney, from Barrow Upon Furness in Cumbria who advises, “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” That and the fact that as an ugly miserable cow no one asked you.

Dave Morgan, from Port Talbot, somewhere in Wales had this to offer, “I went to my local baker’s the other day to get some bread. Whilst there a pile of Jam Doughnuts caught my eye and I bought one. I got home and started to eat it, but there was no jam in it. I looked in the bag but it wasn’t in there either. To say I wasn’t happy was an understatement. I went back to the baker and shot the bastard, six times, in one sitting. Last time I buy a doughnut off that bastard, I can tell you.” Fucking hell, who took the jam out of your doughnut?

Finally an Emma Steer, from Hertfordshire, poses the following question, “How come you hardly ever see birds eating worms any more? Have they all been eaten? Or have the birds gone off them?” There is a simple answer to this. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “The early bird catches the worm?” Therefore, if you weren’t such a lazy bitch and got up before midday occasionally then perhaps you’d see more birds catching and eating more worms.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

“You’re becoming well known now, “ Andrea continued, “I still get news from Philadelphia occasionally, and I have seen you mentioned a couple of times in despatches. I’ve seen your name mentioned in Europe a few times, but never an accompanying photo, so it’s never certain that it is actually you, and not someone with the same name, though it isn’t exactly the most common name in the world. It has to be said that you never seem to change. You don’t look to have aged, and your hair is always the same.”

“That’s all part of what’s going on here.” He replied. “Haven’t you noticed it in yourself? I bet you look exactly the same as you did five years ago, including your hairstyle.”

“If you get a picture from five years ago, you’ll see it’s true. Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you went to a hairdressers and got your hair cut?”

There was a silence that seemed to last for ages, before a confused looking Andrea replied, “You know what, I don’t know. I tried to think when, but I can’t seem to remember getting it done any time recently.”

Again there was a pause before a stuttering reply, “I don’t know, quite a while I think. I like it like this. Why?”

“It’s all to do with what I’ve learned today while I was in the cockpit. Seeing as you can’t remember, I’ll tell you that it’s probably five years since you last had it cut, and in all that time it’s been in the same style. Look around the plane. It’s bright white everywhere you look. It hurts to look at anything without wearing sunglasses or squinting. Doesn’t that seem familiar in any way to you? Haven’t you been somewhere like this before?”

“I think I have.” She paused for a while before continuing, “When we got on the plane, I felt a chill come over me, but couldn’t place the reason why. The bright light does remind me of something, but it’s all too vague and hazy to remember exactly what. Are you saying this is related?”

He sighed, wasn’t that what he had just said? Everything was related. He could see it and had accepted it quite quickly, but in this moment he realised just how much of a problem it could be to get anyone else to accept even the possibility of what was happening here. He needed Andrea to understand. He needed someone he could trust. If he was ever to get back to his old life alive, then he needed help, and there wasn’t anyone better suited to being an ally that he could trust than Andrea. He just needed to tell her everything he could, and make her believe it. If he couldn’t convince her, then he’d convince no one. And he needed to do it fast.

A spin off from Jackass, Bam Margera, along with his friends cause chaos and mayhem wherever they go, but with most of the stunts they pull being at the expense of his family. Primary target has been his dad Phil, who has suffered from a “Don’t Feed Phil” campaign where no food store, fast food joint, bar or restaurant could serve him due to a massive flyer campaign, billboards and radio adverts. They’ve painted him blue, changed his toothpaste for corned beef (and he didn’t really notice), ironed hamburger stencils on to all of his clothes and took his beloved van to the wrecking yard. Uncle Don Vito also gets a hammering, with tattoo’s, blue hair, crooked casino (viva Las Vegas) dealers, upside down hotel rooms, and tunnels into his house being inflicted. However he did manage to drink a whole bottle of hot pepper sauce. Mum April, has had her car customised, but mainly suffers from the frequent redecorating of the house. In the first series, it has had a square cut through the ceiling from the first floor and a fireman’s pole put in. Then the downstairs was converted into a skateboard park. Then after they moved a rock concert into the house to stop Phil on don’t feed Phil day, they demolished the front door so that they could build a castle style door, add a moat outside the door and finish it off with a drawbridge. They then put up a temporary castle outside. The entire kitchen was painted blue, including all the cutlery, and food. Then when it got to Christmas, they put in a fake ice, ice rink through the whole of the downstairs of the house. Outside they added enough lights to light a small town and then had a fake snow machine cover the whole of the garden.

Obviously none of this would really be possible without a large budget from MTV, but it is funny as fuck. The best thing is the amazing calm Bam’s parents show through most of the chaos, whereas you know full well if you even tried a quarter of this shit with your parents you’d be wearing a pine overcoat.

RANDOM LIST

1564 – Gabriele Falloppius provides the first written reference to a (linen!!) condom.

1881 – The first birth control clinic opens in Holland. They advocate the use of the diaphragm, hence Dutch Cap.

1960 – Envoid 10 becomes the first approved commercially available contraceptive pill.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Under the terms of the 1911 Copyright Act, and the Irish Copyright Act 1963, the British Library must be supplied with a copy of every work published in the UK and Republic or Ireland within a month. The five remaining Legal Deposit Libraries (Bodleian Library Oxford, The University Library Cambridge, The National Library of Scotland, The Library of Trinity College Dublin, and The National Library of Wales) are entitled to request a free copy of every work within one year of publication.

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Excrement wrapped in newspaper, then set alight on a doorstep in the hope that the occupant will stamp it out.

Born in 1683, he was originally a wool comber from Leicester, who took over as the keeper of the Horse and Trumpet Inn, which was next to the High Cross. He later retired and lived the life of a gentleman.

He had become a Freeman of the town in 1702, and in 1710 he became a councillor, he then became an Alderman in 1726, and made his way to be Mayor of Leicester in 1732. During this time he married three times, and from these marriages amassed a great deal of money. He only had one son, who died before Gabriel at the age of 18.

This being the case he settled property valued at £3250, by deed, and his will to the schooling of 35 boys of families based in the Anglican faith. He died in 1762, and was given a civic funeral and is buried in the church yard of All Saints.

Such was his gift that 35 was a large underestimation of what his gift could provide, and by 1835 his gift was supporting schools in Leicester, as well as at Ashby de la Zouch, Barwell, Bedford, Buckingham, Cadeby, Claybrooke, Earl Shilton, Hertford, Hinckley, Huntingdon, Lubenham, Lutterworth, Northampton, and St. Neots.

He stands as one of the four Leicester benefactors on the base of the Clock Tower.

Event – 1999 – Deadliest school shooting in the US at Columbine high School. 13 killed and 23 wounded.

This issue’s verses from the good news bible is from the book or Proverbs 20:1

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Lectica

A couch used by the Romans for a similar purpose as a sedan chair is used by us.

Roorback

A falsehood; a bogus newspaper article, especially a false allegation issued for political purposes, and now a general term for any political forgery or fiction. The word was derived from the fact that in 1844 a Whig newspaper, the Ithaca Chronicle, published for political purposes alleged extracts from The Travels of Baron Roorback [1836], which were proved to have been a set up scheme to deceive the public.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, if you retire at 65 today, the maximum number of years you could have been legally working would have been 51. The winner of the Inland Revenue Pension regulations is a Tina Taylor, from Tadcastle, Tyne & Wear. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, what do the following terms or phrases have in common? Guard Dog, An uglier woman in an ugly woman’s body, hufferlump, and reject from the casting of planet of the apes. The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 14th April wins a Guinness Harmonica.

JOKES

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

A Waiter Asks A Customer, "Can I take your order sir?" "Yes", the man replies. "I'm just wondering how exactly do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir, we just tell them straight out they're going to die".

After a long night of passion, the man rolled over, pulled a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously "No silly" she replied snuggling up. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked "No not at all", she said, nibbling away at his ear "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Tony replied: "That's me before the operation"

A man who wanted to buy a parrot went to an animal auction. He found just what he wanted, a beautiful African bird, and decided to bid for it. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the man was the winning bidder. He went excitedly to collect his bird, and suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to ask the most important question about the parrot. “Does the parrot talk?” he asked the auctioneer anxiously. “Of course he talks,” replied the auctioneer. “Who did you think was bidding against you all the time?”

A group of neighbours got together to organise a picnic, but unfortunately forgot to invite an eccentric old lady who lived in their road. On the very morning of the picnic the neighbours realised their mistake and sent one of the children to invite the old lady. The little girl knocked on the old lady’s door and delivered her message, to which the old lady replied, “It’s too late now! I’ve already prayed for rain.”

A Californian woman was sitting next to her pool when a flying saucer came in to land. She calmly watched as a creature emerged that had three eyes, a purple, red and green one, and pointed ears. It walked on its elbows and it’s nose lit up like a light bulb. “Take me to your leader,” it commanded. “Nonsense darling, “ replied the Californian woman, “what you need is a plastic surgeon.”

A rabbi and a catholic priest were having a discussion on the way they disposed of the collection plate. The priest said, “We divide our collection into thirds, one third for the Pope in Rome, one third for the bishop, and one third we keep for the parish.” “Oh I see,” said the rabbi. “Our way is a little different. When everyone has left the synagogue, my wife, my two sons and I put the collection into a blanket. We each take a corner, and I lead the prayers. Then we toss the money into the air. Whatever God wants he keeps, and whatever falls back into the blanket we keep!”

A man’s car stalled in the countryside and a cow walked past and suggested he checked the petrol tank. The startled man ran to the nearby farmhouse and told the story to the farmer. “Was it a Jersey cow?”, asked the farmer. “Yes,” replied the man. “Don’t take any notice – Jerseys don’t know a thing about cars.”

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her butt.

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The initial release from this Liverpool based quartet consisting of Gerry Marsden, Les Chadwick, Les McGuire and Freddie Marsden. It hit number one in its fifth week on the chart and stayed there for three weeks in a run of eighteen weeks on the charts. It was the first of a hat trick of consecutive number ones, which made them the first act ever to hit the top of the charts with their first three releases. They went on to have a total of eight hits before splitting in 1965.

ABBA – Knowing Me, Knowing You – Epic EPC4955. Written by Bjorn Ulvaeus & Benny Andersson.

One of the world’s biggest selling acts of all time ABBA consisted of Bjorn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson, Agnetha Faltskog and Anni-Frid Lyngstad. This hit the top in its sixth week on the chart and stayed at number one for five weeks before quickly disappearing from the charts in a thirteen week run. The fifth of nine number ones by the group, this was the first of a run of three consecutive number ones.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Formed in 1978 by brothers Mick and Danny Talbot, Neil Wurrel and Simon Smith, they were another of the Mod revival bands from the late 70’s. Signed to the Beggar’s Banquet label, their first single You Need Wheels just crawled into the top 40, while their first album, Face in the Crowd did likewise. Four more singles followed, all of which failed to chart, and a second album was released, GI’s It, which was somewhat bizarrely only released in Japan. They split in 1980, with Mick Talbot going on to form The Style Council with Paul Weller. A third album was released in the late 90’s as an anthology of material.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

By the look on their faces, Squirrels new neighbours aren’t impressed with the volume of Vinyl arriving next door (or above them)

WACKY RACES

Four races, four different race winners, and a new team in the (bargain?) basement. Can it go all the way, and the first seven races of the season won by seven different people? Probably not, I mean have you seen the Mean Machine’s team? Meanwhile the latest race was the closest of the season, with the winner winning by just one point and third only another four points behind.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	3073	30
2nd	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	3048	28
3rd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	2991	25
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	2977	17
5th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	2954	17
6th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	2950	22
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	2916	13
	After San Marino Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

The fixture list this season for Hit The Bar revealed that Cock Boy's 'relationship' with BG was paying off as they were handed a good number of prime-time 8pm fixtures. The first of these for a good few months was against Expotel, who'd had the beating of HTB last time round. Just five showed up for HTB, with Owen's old commitment issues resurfacing, and earning him this week's Missing in Action Mincer. However the players, notably Nez and Cock Boy, seemed to be pretty positive about this one and all the team seemed confident during a kick-around en route to pitch 1.

After some discussion before kick-off, HTB vowed not to let in their usual early goals and do actually do a bit of communicating. What happened just after kick-off astounded the season-tickets holders at the Stockport end - Hit The Bar started, not in reverse gear as usual, but with engine gunning followed by some quick gear-shifts to take them from 0-2 goals in less than 180 seconds. Expotel were in complete disarray and could only marvel, along with a disbelieving Squirrel in goal, at HTB's superb passing, moving and finishing. At 4-0, HTB eased off the gas pedal slightly and, while they were rooting around in the glove box for a tape, Expotel got onto the score sheet. However, as the game approached the half-time service station, Expotel became as stretched as this analogy, and time and again conceded, going in 10-4 down.

The words "keep doing what we have been doing" are rarely uttered by HTB at half time, but this game was an exception. With HTB well in control, all they had to do was keep going as they were. The second half got underway just as soon as the ref could be bothered to face the pitch. That was about all he could manage though and, while he was thinking about his Specsavers appointment, he missed several crucial incidents, which resulted in a dodgy goal for Expotel and a blatant penalty appeal from HTB that wasn't given. But as the game went on, these incidents ceased to be crucial and HTB strolled away with a 20-10 victory, which probably flattered Expotel.

Squirrel - not a lot of pressure on the big man for this game. There were a couple of occasions where a good save meant that Expotel were denied even the sniff of a comeback, and for this he deserves credit. Some good distribution set up some nifty counters by HTB but he will still be disappointed to have let in 10, although when you score 20, what does it matter? - 8

Nez - Lack of interest from other clubs has meant that Nez's name still appears on the team sheet, and a good job too. Before the match he was instrumental in lifting the team's spirits, and he played a big part in HTB's early domination. The lollipops were back and so was the excellent passing and finishing. Scored a whinge-factor of only 3, down considerably from previous weeks but there's still room for improvement - 8

G-Man - There must have been something in the air this week, because here was another player that was back to their best. Snapping away at the ankles, his tackling and general harassing was excellent, and some of his movement first class. Looked a little tired at times but more often than not bounced back with a goal - 8

Dancing - Again, the best we've seen from him for weeks now. Played an important role in the first half with some neat touches, one-twos, good through balls and defending too. Looked a liability at the end of the first half but soon got through the pain barrier and finished the game with a flurry of goals - 8

Cock Boy - What can be said about this performance? From the off he was determined and was playing well. The crowd went cock-a-hoop as he found the net again and again. Indeed, every time he cocked his leg back, he looked like scoring. Flightier than a shuttlecock, he imposed himself on the game the way a cockerel imposes itself on a new day. With an excellent 8 (eight) goals to his name, he couldn't cock this one up. SURERANODMALITY STARMAN - 9

This week it was Vasko de Gatley, the pre-pubescent and annoying opposition that were around last season too. Hit The Bar were hoping to build upon last week's brilliance with another win. Turkish was back in the squad taking the total number to six. The game kicked-off and HTB carried on where they left off with an outstanding team goal, tucked away by Cock Boy. Then they all had a collective nosebleed after realising they were ahead and promptly let in 4 very weak goals. Some hard work brought it back to 5-3 at half-time. A bit more invention and determination in the second half saw HTB creep back into it, and indeed they even took the lead at 7-6. They lost their heads though and conceded some soft goals thanks to mistakes by Dancing and Turkish and some unnecessary fouls by Nez. Somehow HTB manage to inflict defeat upon themselves: 8-7.

Squirrel - not a bad game considering the finger injury early on. Made some good stops with his bear-like paws and stopped some one-on-ones but was guilty of conceding at his near post. Distribution not as good as last week but generally ok - 6

Nez - It was a case of the sublime mixed with the very ordinary. Notched up three goals but as time ticked on he took his frustrations out on the opponents and was engaged in a fair bit of eyeballing, some late tackles and all manner of flare-ups. Was temporarily sent off the field by the ref and told to put his handbag away. Wins this weeks gay award with the throwing of a TRANS-SEXUAL TANTRUM - 6

G-Man - A patchy performance - at times he was as determined as ever but at others he didn't look interested, with perhaps fatigue to blame. Scored a goal and was involved in some good passing moves but will have wanted a couple more goals to his name to round off this performance - 6

Dancing - Also a bit of a stop-start performance. When involved he made some good runs and played some crisp passes but too often was found marking no-one in particular. Scored one excellent goal with a low drive past the keeper but also lost the ball in front of goal near the end, from which the opponents scored - 6

Turkish - Playing in his familiar Mark Hughes role, this wasn't a bad performance. Was more often than not looking for the ball and at times laid it off well. Match fitness appeared improved and his marking and tracking back were good. Was guilty of calling and then waiting for a ball from Squirrel and then letting an opponent nip in and score but otherwise a pretty solid and improved performance. Enough to earn SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 6

Cock-Boy - He had a lot to live up to after last week and started off impressively well. Was involved in the majority of HTB's passing moves and was always looking for a defence-splitting pass. The difference this week was probably the delicacy of his touch and the accuracy of the pass - both inconsistent. Generally though, not a bad game – 6

Squirrel 10, Nez 10, Ricky Organ 9, G Man 7, Dancing 7, Turkish 3, Owen 2.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	4	4	0	0	55	28	27	0	12
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	4	3	1	0	43	19	16	0	9
VASKO DE GATLEY	4	2	1	1	41	34	7	0	7
HIT THE BAR	4	2	2	0	48	33	15	0	6
ED DYNAMOS	4	2	2	0	29	38	-9	0	6
MILLENIUM	4	2	2	0	21	33	-12	0	6
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	4	0	3	1	26	41	-15	0	1
EXPOTEL	4	0	4	0	21	58	-37	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

The first of five A5 drop outs. Not the smoothest escapee but no quibble regarding his overall speed. Looking to burgle the cash.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

Taurotraumatologia is a specialist branch of medicine found in many Hispanic countries. It deals with injuries typically sustained in the bullring, such as pierced thighs, ruptured rectums and eviscerated scrota.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him, and quickly. It’s getting to the business end of the season, and there aren’t many games left.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1647
2nd	Tip Top Team	1588
3rd	Molineux Misfits	1514
4th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1472
5th	Full Gun Lollipops	1468
6th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1451
7th	Seek'em & Destroy	1446
8th	Chelle's Allstars	1415
9th	Russian Gold	1372
10th	Magpie City FC	1363
11th	Westside XI	1348
12th	Shit or Bust	1334
13th	Wednesday Wannabes	1330
14th	The World's Smallest Violin	1295
15th	Nic	1289
16th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1279
17th	Andy	1267
18th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1232
19th	No use for a name	1221
20th	Requiem For A Team	1209
21st	Owen	1176
22nd	MUP(pet)S	1074
23rd	Nez	1068
24th	The Unidumpers	1033
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	827
26th	Whipping Boys	784
	Upto and Including 25th April

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Morning, Dancing .

AFC Bournemouth
Founded						1899
Turned Professional						1912
Admitted to the League						1923
Previous Names						Boscombe St Johns, Boscombe FC, Bournemouth & Boscombe Athletic
Nickname (s)						Cherries
Ground						Dean Court
Capacity						9,600 (soon to be 12,000)
Previous Grounds						Castlemain Road Pokesdown.
Seasons in Each Division
1						0
2						3
3						62
4						9
Trophies
Division 3						1986-87
Associate’s Members Cup						1984
Synopsis – Founding						The current club started out life as Boscombe St John’s in 1890, though there had been a Bournemouth FC some 15 years earlier. When the St John’s team were struggling the remnants formed the new club Boscombe FC in 1899, and played in the local league.
Synopsis - Major Events						They joined the league in Division 3 South in 1923, and apart from a brief excursion in the eighties to division two, and three excursions to Division four, that is where they’ve stayed.
Synopsis - Recent times						The nineties saw hard times at Dean Court, and the club was served with a winding up order and only just managed to escape going out of business. Last season saw them have a brief stop in the lowest division, but come back up to what is now Division 2 after a playoff victory, and an outside chance of the playoffs again this year.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						There isn’t really a record for the third division that they don’t hold. Most years in Division 3, most consecutive years, most goals scored and conceded. Most wins, points, losses and draws. Not only that but their official name makes them the first club in England, alphabetically wise.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
0	0		0		0			0		0		0		0		0		0		0		0
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		-			-		-		-		-		-		-		-		-