Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Anthony Gene Moore, 37, of Kinston, N.C., was watching a NASCAR race on TV, but says he couldn't hear his TV due to a nearby low-flying crop duster. Rather than turn up the volume, Moore went outside with his shotgun and shot at the plane, hitting it three times and forcing the pilot to make an emergency landing. The downed pilot directed sheriff's deputies to Moore's house, where they found him drunk. Moore, who pleaded guilty to shooting at an occupied vehicle instead of facing trial on an attempted murder charge, was sentenced to six months in jail, and must abstain from alcohol for three years. - Trust me, the turn up the TV volume works as a better solution.

A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing $10,000 in damage. A witness wrote down the truck's license number; police say it's registered to a nearby Chevrolet dealer. - I’ve known some tits in my time, but none as blatantly stupid as this one.

Shannon Kramer, 35, says he was pulling a prank on his girlfriend in Riverside, Fla., after a fight. He had lit the fuse on a 6-inch rocket and intended to fire it out the window of his car, but the fuse burned faster than he expected and it ignited and flew around inside the car, bouncing around and then landing between his legs, where it exploded. "I thought I was dead," Kramer said later from his hospital bed. "I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. I went to stand up and I couldn't walk." Police sent the case to the State Attorney's Office, but prosecutors there decided not to press any charges. - But you can bet his bollocks to a barn dance he won’t be trying that again.

New From now on we will be having a news item from a guest publication. This week’s guest publication is Mastic Asphalt Today, the quarterly magazine from the Mastic Asphalt Council.

Pupils at Falconbrook School in Wandsworth are enjoying a new rooftop playground following the installation of a fresh surface high up on the four storey building. The 650m² area of multi durable polymer modified mastic asphalt will last for decades rather than years, no matter how hard the kids play. And of course, the seamless waterproof roof surface will protect the schoolrooms beneath, creating a leak proof environment for pupils, teachers and their expensive IT equipment. This southwest London project is a classic example of mastic asphalt’s versatility carried out by Essex based firm, Tilbury Contracts. - Seriously, this was one of the better stories.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

A more positive date has been set for the next Surerandomality night out. Friday 25^th June. More details to follow, but expect there to be carnage, as it will get messy.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Blondie, so thanks to those that grassed her up when I wasn’t in.

Congratulations are also in order as Blondie has managed to escape the madhouse and will be moving to work with Morning.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Edgar Allan Poe Tales. Shit god damn muthafuckers. I’ve been a busy little bastard in the last however long it is since I last did one of these, work has been chaotic, and there has been lots of drinking and moving stuff, and it has got messy. Therefore this edition is somewhat less than tip top, and I’m not sure about the content. Yes people there are the inklings of a plan for the next Surerandomality night out. At the moment all we have is a date, Friday, 25^th June. A plan will be forthcoming, the usual suspects will be involved, as most probably, will the usual destinations. Keep your eyes on this space for future updates. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Thursday 29^th April – Fun time started early this fortnight, with all the sensible people managing to avoid getting dragged out with the storm that is Squirrel. First stop was Sinclair's, before a quite sensible food stop at El Macho, where although the idea of food was sensible, the cocktails that accompanied it weren’t. Hopalong was meanwhile in The Crown with Kelly, and couldn’t be tempted into town, and instead headed into Stockport. Squirrel meanwhile continued on with stops at the Overdraught and The Garrett (where there was a fairly decent Live band), before the final destination of 5th Ave was reached, Closing time saw a stop in Fallowfield for a Kebab, and a half 3 arrival at the deserted Chez Didsbury, where he managed to leave the front door open until he woke to go to bed at 6.

Friday 30th April – The removal and clean up squad of Hopalong, The Chemist and Ricky Organ arrival at Chez Didsbury to find Squirrel throwing pieces of a broken up wardrobe out of the bathroom window. After much action they headed back to Chez Kingsway for the night. With no one else going out after doing removals from Chez Didsbury, Squirrel met Wes, Fiona and Paddy in Sofa, and then headed to 5th Ave for a lot of vodka – red alert combinations. While on the dance floor someone started on Wes, who, quite harshly, got thrown out. 3 o’clock saw Squirrel, Fiona and Paddy get a Taxi back via Chorlton as they argued, and then to Fallowfield for the obligatory kebab stop, with the arrival time at Chez Didsbury being 4.30.

Saturday 1st May – The end of an era came and went in a quiet whimper as the last items were removed from Chez Didsbury and the keys given back. It was very much a day of moving as Garden and Dale moved out of their flat as well. G Man and Amanda were putting laminate flooring down, hampered by Chris, and by the time Squirrel was coming back from town, they had given up and were in the Frog & Railway. After a few they headed to the Crown for a couple more, before heading back to Chez Woodheys to get changed before heading out for the evening. Within 5 minutes of getting back, and of Squirrel actually living there, the neighbour was round complaining about the volume of the music. Even for Squirrel that is some kind of record. They headed for a curry at sangam 2, though Chris preferred to get some kind of takeaway, and they met back up in the Famous Crown. After a quick drink there they headed to the Slug & Lettuce, to meet up with Dancing, Alison, Rob, Kerry, and others. Meanwhile Hopalong & The Chemist were also in Didsbury, visiting the Dog & Partridge, The Hogshead, and the Pitcher & Piano. At midnight with everyone else going home, Squirrel headed for XS, and his usual Saturday night liaison, and on the way home thought it was a good idea to walk from Parrswood centre back to Chez Woodheys.

Sunday 2nd May – Far too many people were up at far too early an hour, and after Squirrel had collected himself he went round to watch the football at Chez Kingsway. Drinking started straightaway, tempered by some chilli. With Hopalong, they headed to the Gateway, and then decided to go to Ye Olde Cock to play pool, only to arrive and find it was doubles, and it was for drinks. After a very successful time, they weaved off to the Pitcher & Piano, where they met up with Little Mark, Dickie Boy, Katy, Karen, Claire & Dan. Ricky Organ and The Chemist joined them later, although in The Chemist’s case it was for only one drink. At one stage, Justin stopped Squirrel to talk to him, but Ricky Organ and Hopalong came rushing over, and the look of panic on Justin’s face was a pleasure to behold as he quickly searched for someone else to talk to and get away. At closing time it was back to Ye Olde Cock, where quite possibly the worst covers band ever were playing, and Ricky Organ, Hopalong and Squirrel sat there in disbelief as they murdered No One Knows, Gay Bar and Take me Out in consecutive songs. Then it was back to Chez Kingsway for more chilli and to crash out.

Monday 3rd May – Squirrel headed back to Chez Woodheys, with only a stop for a burger king breakfast, but couldn’t sit still, and after a shopping trip, headed to the Griffin to meet up with Hopalong, Kelly, Jodie, their mum, Sharon & others. After a couple of drinks it was back to theirs for a continued drinking session that saw Squirrel link up with Sharon before heading off home.

Tuesday 4th May – A peaceful, but busy day followed, like the quiet after the storm. Squirrel arrived back to find his bed had arrived. Upon opening the flat pack box, he discovered over 50 pieces of wood, and fuck knows how many screws. Three words for that, fuck right off! Mattress on the floor is the way forward.

Wednesday 5th May – A late kick off in the football saw very little motion all round.

Thursday 6th May – Squirrel started work on the bed, while G Man was with Amanda at Bruins. Hopalong was out in Heaton Mersey somewhere with Kelly.

Friday 7th May – G Man started straight from work at Ye Olde Cock, while Squirrel finish building his bed. Along with Amanda they headed for a drink in The Frog & Railway. Squirrel the headed over to The Crown to meet Hopalong & Kelly. They then headed to the Griffin, where Jodie joined them before moving on to the Dog & Partridge, where they were joined by Sharon before taxis to XS. Messy would be an understatement, but it didn’t stop Squirrel from pulling a random blonde. The way home was bitty, with a bus to the Parrswood Centre, where they left Hopalong and Kelly talking. A walk up to Jodie’s followed before Squirrel shared a taxi back with Sharon and got dropped back off at Chez Woodheys, where there were a few difficulties with the door.

Saturday 8th May – After a day working it was only right that Squirrel and G Man should head to the Frog and Railway to watch the football. However as is usual things degenerated and they were soon off to the Griffin, and then to a deserted Dog & Partridge. After a dirty kebab stop the next stop was the Sun in September, where they were joined by the driving Amanda. After a Weiss beer it was on to The Albion, which in turn was followed by the Victoria. At this point G Man and Amanda headed back to Chez Woodheys, whereas Squirrel got an early start on XS. Traditional dirty rounds and dancing would follow, as would the usual Saturday thing. Meanwhile Hopalong was out with Kelly at the Waterside and then to Burnage rugby club for a pair of 21^st birthday parties. Squirrel meanwhile was having a few difficulties negotiating his way home. Getting on the first bus and falling asleep didn’t help, as he woke to find the bus somewhere he didn’t recognise. He got off and took 10 minutes to realise he was in West Didsbury, before walking to the kebab shop, where five minutes pondering ended up with no food being bought. A further bus to the Parrswood centre followed, where he though that a pizza hut was the answer to his food needs, only to find, somewhat surprisingly it was shut. Not only that but Nando’s and burger king were as well. This led to the start of another walk down Didsbury road, but the sighting of a taxi meant an easier route home.

Sunday 9th May – G Man and Amanda were up early with visits to the tip, whereas Squirrel relaxed, with only the visit of mummy & daddy G seeing any kind of movement.

Monday 10th May – G Man headed to Amanda’s for tea, and Squirrel had an aborted trip into Heaton Moor for a launderette.

Tuesday 11th May – A more successful launderette trip. Much chilling, with Ricky Organ in packing mode.

Wednesday 12th May –Ricky Organ off to Mexico on holiday with Jayne, not, for a change at the expense of AZ, but as a private holiday, though we all know it’s really to shoot the new pot noodle Mexican ad about backstreet action. Another late football match meant another wasted evening.

Thursday 13^th May – National Where is ze Stone day was somewhat of a flop as only Squirrel remembered.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Chris (to Amanda) - Did you not have butter on your cheese sandwich because you're a vegan?

Hopalong - Do you think you've got time to have a boob job and a face lift as well?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 14th May – Final destination of XS is likely with various people having various reasons to be there.

Saturday 15^th May – Nothing, absolutely nothing. I know you won’t believe me but tough.

Thursday 20th May – No current funds for a 5^th Ave Thursday, just wait til next week.

Thursday 27th May – This could get very messy as Seeks organised work meal at El Macho’s finally comes to fruition, especially with Squirrel directing a 5^th Ave bound effort. It’s payday as well. Carnage is the word we’re looking for.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight – Much as it pains me to say, 3^rd Eye Wanderers, the best side Hit the Bar have come up against.

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

Yes people I know, there was an application form, but no time limit, and this time I do mean to give the deadline date to you! It’s Wednesday 26^th May. Current leading application is from Morning and has scored 23. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Alison Handsworth, from Perth, Scotland, (well I assume it is, it could be the one in Australia), who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. You must stop immediately" What's the problem? What does it look like

I'm doing? I’d like to help, but Muppets like you keep writing in, so my hands are tied.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Dino Di Matteo, from Genoa, Italy, with the following claptrap, “È la cima di punta. È giusto che non sono che sicuro del colore. Porto il cane per una passeggiata. Che è il problema? I posti ed un volante. Lei ciò dovrà dire ancora, non penso che l'ho sentito? Lei non sono molto uso a me vivo lo sono. Se non lo lavora lo può colpire sempre con questo. Guido giù la strada con la sua testa conficcata nella mia finestra. Che somiglia a faccio?!” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Michael Mrozek, from Midtown, Michigan, writes the following, “Everyday the number of people I would like to bash in the head with a blunt object grows exponentially. There is this woman in our office, everyone calls her "the princess" behind her back. She acts like she is the shit, but in reality she is just a snooty, goody-two-shoes, only take it missionary style, bitch. She is responsible for dress code changes in my office (jeans offend her) and several other more strict rules now...she truly is an office Nazi! Also, one of the head accountants is just a plain weirdo, no better way to describe him. I feel if I don't hit him in the head with a brick or such object soon, he'll come in with a gun and go postal on everyone. Freak!” Meanwhile, Mad Dog Mrozek, went mad.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

After five minutes he stopped talking, and looked at Andrea to see what kind of response there would be. In all the time he been speaking to her, her eyes had never left him, and she hadn’t stopped him at any stage. She hadn’t even gasped, let alone said anything.

Over the backdrop of the noise filled plane that still was thick with screams and whimpers, there was a strong silence between them. After what seemed an age, Andrea eventually spoke, “I don’t know what to think. There is so much of what you’ve just said that seems so improbable it’s laughable, and certainly if you’d have told me any of this when we were on the tube I’d have laughed in your face. However that is now tempered by what has gone on today. Some of it now seems to make sense, the main problem I have is trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve been living a life controlled by someone else. It makes me feel kind of worthless.”

She stood up before continuing, “I think I need a little time to let this sink in, I’m going to go back to my seat. What do you plan to do?”

“Get a gun. Discreetly. I don’t want anyone else seeing for a couple of reasons.”

“Not only that, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was someone planted amongst us, who isn’t here as a hostage, but as a watcher. Someone who can report back when we get to our destination. It makes sense seeing as he’s killed all the armed hired help.”

“They wouldn’t expect it, as their programming would eliminate the chance of that, but I’ll lay odds that they’ll have it anyway, mainly because of the random factor I seem to bring to proceedings. Anyway I had thought about that, and it made me think. The hijackers on the original planes got guns on board and they went through all kinds of sensors. I’ll lay odds that they have some kind of porcelain gun, like a Glock. That’s what I’m going to look for.”

He sat for a while and looked around trying to place any of the hijackers from the original flight, while at the same time checking what the other passengers were doing, trying to see if any of them were being as watchful as he. He got up and wandered around slowly, trying to look as if he was wandering around randomly, and then he saw what he wanted. The first two hijackers he had encountered had been sat together near the rear of the cabin, and he made his way slowly over to them. There were no other passengers nearby, and he was quite thankful there wasn’t as much mess from these two as from some of the others. He bent down as if he was looking to see if there were signs of life, and he saw what he wanted. In fact there was more than he expected as next to each other sat two hand guns. He leant in and picked them up with his left hand and put them quickly into his inside right jacket pocket. He stood back up and felt the bulk of the guns, and realising that it would be fairly obvious he’d picked up something, headed into the nearby toilet.

Once in there he took the guns out. They were actually Glocks, and the weight and sound told him they were what he wanted, they weren’t made of metal. He slipped one into the small of his back, where it felt slightly uncomfortable, and then started to put the other into his sock, but stopped, as that was stupid. It may work in films, but in reality, it probably wouldn’t stay there and would affect the way he walked. He opted to put the second one into his trouser pocket, where he found with some surprise it fitted quite nicely and didn’t really show. This done he headed back to his seat.

Subway. The best sandwiches in the world, and outlets popping up everywhere. If you have the money go get one. Now.

Braunstone is a Saxon settlement, about three to four miles south / south east of the city centre. It is now part of the urban sprawl of Leicester, but the original village stands outside the city limits in Blaby District Council, whereas the new housing estate with the same name sits within the city boundaries.

Built in or before 1168, the tower sits as an incomplete perpendicular, which stops just above the belfry sill. The oldest parts of the church date from this time, mainly the tower, which sits as a small low Norman tower with a pyramid style roof.. The Nave and chancel are from 1300. The original dedication of the church was St. Botolph, and this remained until the time of the reformation.

After the reformation the dedication of the church was changed to St. John the Baptist, however by 1637 the church is reported to be run down and in a dilapidated condition, some improvements must have been done in the years that followed, and in 1654 the first two of three bells in the tower were added. The tower itself underwent rebuilding, and was probably lowered to its current height in 1704. The porch was added at some stage during the 18^th century.

Much work was done on the church during the 19^th century. A third bell was added to the tower in 1812, and the two original bells were recast. The inside was restored, with an organ by Bravington of London, was added in 1861. The Nave and Chancel roofs were redone in 1867. New windows were installed in 1875, and in 1880 the dedication of the church was changed to its current title of St. Peter’s. In 1885 the gallery was removed and the floor was raised to combat damp, however in raising the floor, some memorials to the Hastings and Winstanley families were covered and lost.

Major expansion in 1937, and new nave and aisle on North at a right angle to the original building, but the full work was never completed. In 1972 a new Walker organ was installed as a bequest of E. Withers, and the north wall and porch built in 1973. In 1975 the church was damaged by arson, with the tower and organ suffering serious damage. Much of the damage was repaired and restored, however the bells were removed from the tower.

ON THIS DAY

You hoped for large harvests, but they turned out to be small. And when you brought the harvest home, I blew it away.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

When a cow or other ruminating animal hastily fills the stomach with certain foods, for example rank, wet clover, gases are generated which distend the stomach almost to the point of bursting. In such a case, the animal is said to have taken the blavers.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, the phrases Guard Dog, An uglier woman in an ugly woman’s body, hufferlump, and reject from the casting of planet of the apes have the following in common. They were all used to describe what Squirrel shagged the other week. The winner of a Guinness Harmonica is a Una Upton, from Urmston. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, How many different pubs were visited in this issue of Surerandomality? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 26th May wins the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe.

JOKES

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you". "And, what happened to my present?". "Which present?" "What I asked for. The English girl? "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl."

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of god, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "Its a planet," replied God, " and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's the north of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns, it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from North England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, " Wait till you see the set of wankers I'm putting down South!!"

A young man pays a visit to his GP, “Doc, I seem to be having trouble with my ears.” “I see, “ replies the doctor, “what are the symptoms?” “That’s easy, “ said the man, “A yellow cartoon family.”

Young Martin arrives at school with a cat under his arm. “Now Martin,” asks the teacher, “would you like to tell me why you’ve broken school rules and brought your cat into class?” “I had to” sobs the boy, clearly distressed, “this morning I heard the milkman tell mum that once I’d gone to school, he was going to eat pussy.”

A newly wed couple arrive at a hotel and request the honeymoon suite. “Have you a reservation?” asks the receptionist. “Oh yes,” says the bride, “anal is out of the question.”

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Early Glam rock group led by Roy Wood, who had previously been with The Move and ELO. This was their second chart hit, and reached number one on it’s fifth week on the chart and it stayed there for a total of four weeks in a seventeen week run on the chart.

Robson Green and Jerome Flynn made their way into the charts on the back of their starring roles in Soldier Soldier doing crap cover versions of songs from the 50’s and 60’s. This was their first chart release, and went straight in at the top of the chart and stayed there for a depressing seven weeks out of a seventeen week stay on the chart. Fortunately they only had two other releases, unfortunately they both got to number one, making them statistically the most successful chart act of all time.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Back to the hip hop theme, as in a slight change there is the list of the all time top ten Hip Hop singles.

1. Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock – It Takes Two. The first single release in the UK to use the Whoa – Yeah, loop from Lyn Collins – Think, that spawned a thousand other uses, by the time it got to the UK the original EZ Rock had fucked off and they got an even fatter bloke to take over the roll. Covered as such by Fatman Scoop this year.

2. Sugarhill Gang – Rappers Delight. The original hip hop single. 14 minutes of genius.

3. Blapps Posse – Don’t hold Back. Little known late eighties track from this Sheffield group. Class.

4. Jungles Brothers – Because I Got it Like That. If you haven’t got it, why not?

5. Big Daddy Kane – Wrath of Kane. One of the fastest raps, on a speeded up JB’s backing track (Giving up food for funk played at 45 instead of 33.), which actually works brilliantly.

6. Dr Dre & 2 Pac – California Love. Remixed to have the bass line from a Bill Medley track, a reason to turn your stereo up.

7. Young MC – Know How. Another rapid delivery, this time over Isaac Hayes’ Shaft. Time to dance.

8. Eric B & Rakim – Paid in Full. Quality track, and then Coldcut added one of the best ever remixes.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Well the main one is Sampson Butch Moore – House Beat Box, which elicited a complaint from the new neighbour.

Elsewhere, there has been a load of old school hip hop, and a random selection of albums featuring.

Led Zeppelin 4, The Jam – Setting Sons, Mantronix – greatest, Terence Trent D’arby – Introducing the hardline, Kid Rock - Devil without a pause, Prince – Musicology, Kayne West – The College Dropout, Run DMC – King of Rock, Eagles – One of those nights, and Gil Scott-Heron – Ghetto Style.

RANDOM LIST

The 10 oldest cities in the UK, with the year their original charter was granted

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years: the concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years

It takes 45 seconds to ride the lift from the lobby to the 80th floor of the Empire State Building

Sunderland (population 280,000) is the biggest city in Europe that doesn't have a cinema

1978 – Gillette invents the first erasable ballpoint pen, known as the eraser mate.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

WACKY RACES

Five races in and we find our first double winner. Yes people it’s still close and is likely to be until the pit stops.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	3851	34
2nd	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	3846	38
3rd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	3773	31
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	3756	22
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	3738	30
6th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	3702	19
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	3678	16
	After Spanish Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

With Dancing on a business trip in Indonesia, it meant that he picked up the BALI BUM BANDIT award, and Owen wasn’t far behind with another feeble excuse. To say the remaining players weren’t really up for this 10 o’clock start would be a classic understatement.

An early goal only seemed to spur the very good 3^rd Eye Wanderers on, and they led 8-1 at half time

More of the same, but Hit the Bar refused to quit when offered the chance by the ref, but the ref still blew early when the score got to 3-20.

Squirrel – Not in the best of moods as the opposition took the piss, though still made a number of saves. 4

Ricky Organ – Probably calmest head, but made no difference. Spent much of the second half trying to stop Squirrel’s head blowing up completely. 3

Turkish – Not a bad performance, but unable to hold the ball up, as we rarely had it. 4

Nez – Not his day, and frustration showed. Somehow managed to get a couple of goals. 3

NB. The more eagle eyed will notice there is no SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN this week, mainly due to the fact that after a performance like this no one deserves one. Especially the blind twat that was reffing, and the Muppet who turned all the surrounding lights off while we were still playing.

After last week's fiasco, a decent performance was needed against this week's opponents, Ed Dynamos. Changes from last week:

Players out: Cock Boy (away in Mexico, hopefully picking up some new skills); G Man (suffering from the flu, aka a slight cold) and picking up the SICKNOTE SISSY award.

Players in: Dancing (back from poncing about in Bali); Pete (an untested new recruit)

There is always an air of nervousness when a new recruit joins the team, with the regular players never sure until after kick-off whether they've got themselves a player on the Dec-end or the Boots-end of the spectrum. However, things were looking good even before the game got underway when Pete mentioned concepts that were foreign to Hit The Bar such as 'sitting at the back' and being a 'blocker'. Things looked even better when the same player opened the scoring, and continued as HTB settled into an early rhythm, scoring 4 goals with no reply. After the initial freshness wore off, Ed Dynamos clawed it back to 4-4, albeit via a couple of deflected goals. Determined not to panic, HTB dug in and finished the half 2-up at 6-4. Ed Dynamos, with their two subs, looked the fresher of the two teams at the start of the second half, but they seemed unable to deal with HTB's organised defence and snappy counters. Some fantastic individual and team goals from HTB, with some outstanding finishing past a pretty decent keeper, meant they were again able to establish a lead. At 12-7 up HTB were firmly in control and set about frustrating Ed Dynamos by keeping possession with some simple passing, which they managed for ten minutes with no change to the scores. Some sloppy defending from both teams near the end saw the deadlock broken but still an excellent 13-8 win for HTB.

Squirrel - Was a spectator for the opening and then could do nothing to stop a couple of deflected goals. Trapped one shot neatly between his legs and then started clocking up the saves. Made some good and important stops in the second half to dent any hopes of an Ed Dynamo revival and it generally took a well-aimed shot to beat him. Some intelligent distribution, using the channels well, and was always alert to speed-up or slow play as necessary - 8

Pete - The type of player that HTB having been crying out for - a defender who knows how to organise his team. No-nonsense approach to tackling, and great marking too. Was always weary of the fast break, or quickly taken free-kick (which according to the ref seemed to be anywhere in a 10 yard radius of the foul) and made sure others were marking too. Got forward to strike a couple of goals also and was generally a calming influence on the team. A gem of a performance - 8

Turkish - A few games under his belt this season now, and a different player from the start of the season. His fitness levels are up and his touch improved. Fantastic commitment to the cause saw him time-and-again picking himself up from the ground, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Some good work holding the ball up both in the centre and on the wings, coupled with several assists, and a goal too rounded off a excellent performance - 9

Nez - We've seen some highs and lows from this lad over the past few weeks, but none of the previous highs have come close to this performance. The lad was everywhere, tackling, dribbling, marking but the highlight of this effort was the shooting. If there was a shot that didn't arrow its way into the corner, usually off the post, it was hard to remember it. Notched up more than half of the goals, and each one was a beauty. SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 9

Dancing - Took a while to get going but soon found his touch. Successfully lobbed the keeper and scored but fell victim of the head-height rule. Undeterred, he got off the mark with a thumping strike and kept his head for his second - a HTB strike ballooned off the bar and he slotted it home whilst Ed Dynamos were still struggling with the intricacies of the aforementioned head-height rule. Looked slightly jaded at times but generally tracked back well and notched up some assists and another goal too - 8

Nez 19, Squirrel 10, Dancing 10, Ricky Organ 9, G Man 8, Turkish 4, Owen 2, Pete 2.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	6	6	0	0	76	30	46	0	18
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	6	5	1	0	84	25	59	0	15
HIT THE BAR	6	3	3	0	64	61	3	0	9
ED DYNAMOS	6	3	3	0	47	59	-12	0	9
MILLENIUM	6	3	3	0	33	48	-15	0	9
VASKO DE GATLEY	6	2	3	1	48	59	-11	0	7
EXPOTEL	6	1	5	0	39	74	-35	0	3
K F SOLDIERS	6	0	5	1	26	61	-35	0	1

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Eight defeats on the bounce. Said it many times before about her, depends on her mood on the night. Middle slot is no deterrent.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

According to the rules adopted by the US National Shuffleboard Associating, the maximum length permitted for a cue is 6ft 3ins (1.9 meters).

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him, and quickly. It’s getting to the business end of the season, and there aren’t many games left. In fact nearly all hope is lost as there is only one set of premiership games and the FA cup final left.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1711
2nd	Tip Top Team	1625
3rd	Molineux Misfits	1564
4th	Full Gun Lollipops	1533
5th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1525
6th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1487
7th	Seek'em & Destroy	1461
8th	Chelle's Allstars	1461
9th	Russian Gold	1404
10th	Magpie City FC	1398
11th	Westside XI	1394
12th	Wednesday Wannabes	1370
13th	Shit or Bust	1369
14th	The World's Smallest Violin	1335
15th	Nic	1321
16th	Andy	1319
17th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1308
18th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1289
19th	No use for a name	1271
20th	Requiem For A Team	1248
21st	Owen	1238
22nd	Nez	1148
23rd	MUP(pet)S	1107
24th	The Unidumpers	1070
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	872
26th	Whipping Boys	813
	Upto and Including 9th May

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Blondie, Zac & Dancing.

Chelsea
Founded						1905
Turned Professional						1905
Admitted to the League						1905
Previous Names						N/A
Nickname (s)						The Blues
Ground						Stamford Bridge
Capacity						42,449
Previous Grounds						N/A
Seasons in Each Division
1						69
2						19
3						0
4						0
Trophies
Division 1						1954-55
Division 2						1983-84, 1988-89
FA Cup						1970, 1997, 2000
League Cup						1965, 1998
Full Members Cup / ZDS						1986, 1990
Charity Shield						1955, 2000, and shared in 1997
European Cup Winners Cup						1971, 1998
European Super Cup						1998
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1905 by the owner of Stamford Bridge after Fulham rejected a plan to move there. Their application to join the southern league was denied and they joined the league straight away.
Synopsis - Major Events						They got promoted in their second season in the league and apart from a few brief spells in the second division they have spent most of their time in the top flight, however apart from one league championship the glory has been limited.
Synopsis - Recent times						The nineties saw a good time for Chelsea with foreign imports boosting their side so that they won a number of trophies, and established themselves as one of the top 6 sides in the country. Then with a Russian takeover last summer they have become big hitters in England and Europe and should be serious contenders for years to come.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They were the first English team to be invited to enter the European cup, but were advised by the FA not to enter. Until the demise of Wembley stadium they were the last team to win the FA cup away from Wembley. They hold the record for the longest current string of undefeated matches in the top flight against the same team (Spurs).
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	116		59		40			377		203		63		69		83		260		286		665
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
11^th		14^th		11^th			11^th		6^th		4^th		3^rd		5^th		6^th		6^th		4^th