Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Phoenix's Haskell Wexler, 73, is in his 12th year of contesting three $31 parking tickets, a dispute that has taken him through 12 so-far-unsuccessful lawsuits. His complaint is that he thinks the ticket charges were unfairly raised by the city in 1992 from $6 to $16 and that the $15 late fee was entirely inappropriate. Even more burdensome than the lawsuits are Wexler's most-daily telephone calls seeking his $93 back. A city attorney said Wexler's crusade plays the same role in his life as golf might for other retirees. - This is exactly why they shouldn’t let pensioners retire.

Thomas Woods, 59, of Davis Park on New York's Fire Island, was "drinking heavily" with his roommate, Rod Bennett, when he had an idea for a contest. "Let's see which one of us leaves first," Woods allegedly said as he set the rug on fire. As the flames spread Bennett ran out to a neighbour's house to call the fire department. By the time fire-fighters arrived the house was fully engulfed, and Woods was later found burned to death. - Meanwhile euthanasia is a possibility.

As the Carlisle, England, cricket team took to the pitch for a game, player Dick Scott called for a moment of silence to remember former player Leonard "Bunt" Brunton. The flag was even set to half-mast. "I was really touched when I heard about it," Brunton, 66, said later. Huh? Brunton isn't dead: Scott insists another team member had mistaken an obituary for another man nicknamed "Bunt" for their former colleague. "I stopped playing a few years ago," Brunton said. "I suppose I should go down again now to prove I exist." - Though make sure they are actually dead.

A Shell/Site convenience store manager in North Naples, Fla., found employee Robert Lee King, 41, lying on the floor rubbing off one not-yet-purchased lottery ticket after another, looking for winners, stacking the used tickets neatly in two piles. The incredulous manager said he tried to explain to King that that isn't the way the lottery business works, whereupon King calmly took his stack of winners and walked out. The manager called in a sheriff's deputy, explained the problem, and showed the surveillance tape of King with the tickets, and while the deputy was writing his report, King happened to come back in to ask for his pay check. He was charged with grand theft. - Or in prison long before retirement age.

This issue’s guest publication is Inform, Economic and development news from Yorkshire Forward

A new brand has been launched to identify and promote Yorkshire and Humber’s excellence in the food and drink sector. ‘deliciouslyorkshire’ was unveiled by the Regional Food Group at the high profile Food & Drink Expo 2004 in Birmingham earlier this year. The ‘deliciouslyorkshire’ brand is available to all the companies that reach and maintain the required quality standards and RFGYH, as brand custodian, will control the use of the brand. Wm Morrison Supermarkets launched the brand to its stores in March. - Yet another thrilling piece of journalism.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

A most positive date has been set for the next Surerandomality night out. Friday 25^th June. More details to follow, but expect there to be carnage, as it will get messy. It is mandatory to attend, and by reading this line you have agreed to do so.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Blondie, in a fitting tribute, seeing as it will be the last occasion that she’s likely to win it.

First up, Happy Birthday to Amanda who becomes 21 on Monday, and who is having a party this Saturday (29^th) upstairs at Scubar from about 8pm. All are invited.

Then it’s Happy Birthday to Kate who becomes 33 (yes that is all) next Sunday, and who is going out to celebrate Friday (4^th) straight from work for a lot of drinks, again most people invited.

However this does clash with Blondie’s leaving do the same night, but starting later, and again randoms are invited, but probably need shoes.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Guns. In what has been a quiet time, it should have been easy to rattle off this edition, but laziness struck, and it was another last minute bonanza of utter tat, and actually meant I had to be a busy little bastard for a couple of evenings. As you can see from the announcements and the social calendar it’s a busy fortnight ahead, so buckle up. Yes people there are the inklings of a plan for the next Surerandomality night out. At the moment we have a date, Friday, 25^th June. A plan will be forthcoming, the usual suspects will be involved, as most probably, will the usual destinations, though a couple of unusual ones might be welcome, and as a couple of candidates are going straight from work it’s likely to be a city centre start. Keep your eyes on this space for future updates. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

RANDOM LIST

The US 7th Infantry Division led the invasion of Kiska, one of the Rat Islands off the coast of Alaska, in 1943. 21 troops were killed in the invasion - even though the Japanese had already fled, leaving the island completely deserted

1901 Annie Edson Taylor becomes first person to go over the Niagara Falls and survive

1989 Peter de Bernardi and Jeffrey Petkovitch become first people to go over the Niagara Falls together.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Bedfordshire, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Shropshire, Staffordshire, Suffolk, Surrey, Sussex

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

THE DIARY

Friday 14^th May – G Man out straight from work, but not drinking shocker as he ended up driving to pick up Amanda from Friday afternoon drinking instead of the other way round. However slightly later a 7pm start at the Parrswood for Hopalong and Squirrel led to the usual mammoth pool session, with Squirrel coming out on top again, before heading to XS, where they met with Kelly, Josie and Sharon and Kelly and Jodie’s dad. It got very messy very quickly probably due to an infusion of tequila, and the journeys home were a little strange. Squirrel had a stagger / bus route home, which saw him come off worse in a tangle with a bush, falling through and getting scratched up, but did manage to arrive back at Chez Woodheys with a beer trophy of a very old watch with an engravement on the back. Back at Chez Kingsway, Hopalong was feeling worse for wear, so much so that he was in a state where he couldn’t speak, let alone move, and Kelly went home under the impression that he was ignoring her.

Saturday 15^th May – G Man was up early and off to Harrogate for a day’s drinking. Squirrel was woken up by Kate ringing to suggest a couple of drinks in the Friendship, and so dragged himself out. On the way he recruited Hopalong and The Chemist, and after they had had food The Chemist headed off back to Chez Kingsway. In the meantime Kate and Kev had turned up, and one look around the table told you that if ever the words a few quiet drinks were improbable this was it. The three people that have no concept of a few quiet drinks out – together – at two on a Saturday afternoon. It was guaranteed to get messy. After a few in the Friendship, they decided they wanted to play pool, so headed to the Orange Grove, which was student only, so they rang Brenda at Squirrels and got her to keep the bar open for them. At this point they were joined by Wes. A couple more saw Kev wander off to meet his missus, and a few more saw the rest of them head to Sofa, though Squirrel had a food stop on the way. How it got to be after ten no one knew, so they headed to XS, where Squirrel and Wes (eventually) managed to get in, but Hopalong was being refused for being too drunk. The bouncers quickly decided Kate was as bad, and so they headed off towards Jabez instead. Kate disappeared fairly quickly in Jabez, though the other three were amongst the last three out, and headed to Fallowfield for food, though Hopalong changed his mind when he got there and went straight home. Back in Harrogate G Man had managed to get into a club in shorts again, this time by wrapping a coat round his legs, however he was rumbled once inside and was ejected. On his way home he went to where he used to work and tried to get free drinks (unsuccessfully). Back at home he woke his brother for weed, and then in the garden unable to find the toilet, just pissed where he sat.

Monday 17th May – I swear to god I’m going senile, as I can’t remember a single thing. Hold on, G Man was off work with a spurious sore throat, which was soothed by a visit to Southport beach with Amanda.

Tuesday 18 May – There again there could be a good reason for that. G Man still off, but needed to be to let the lobster red from the day before die down.

Wednesday 19 May – There’s absolutely positively no fucking need for Argos to deliver stuff at quarter past seven in the morning. However it did lead to the unusual circumstance of The Chemist being the only person at work, with Squirrel off to wait for the delivery (bit of a waste), and Hopalong on study leave.

Thursday 20 May – It has to be said that four days are a hell of a lot more convincing than one, especially when trying to get rid of sunburn. Hopalong and The Chemist were in The Crown, where they met Kelly before The Chemist went home and Hopalong and Kelly going into Stockport.

Friday 21st May – Which caused Hopalong to arrive at work a couple of hours late on his only day at work this week. From work he went to the Crown with The Chemist before going back to Chez Kingsway to play chess. Hopalong however tempted Squirrel to come out, while G Man and Amanda decorated. They met in the Dog and Partridge where they were joined by Jodie and Kelly for a few warm up drinks before heading off to XS. Quite a few drinks later saw everyone leaving separately again, this time however Squirrel was reasonably sober and headed off to West Didsbury with a couple of girls to carry on drinking and to smoke some weed.

Saturday 22nd May – An all round quiet Saturday with everyone at home watching the cup final, though it was a respite for G Man and Amanda who were decorating. The evening saw only Kate out, as she had managed to get a ticket for the Morrissey gig.

Sunday 23rd May – Squirrel headed to Chez Kingsway to watch the GP, as G Man and Amanda were putting down laminate flooring, and got a lift back in the evening as The Chemist and Hopalong went to the gym.

Tuesday 25th May – You’ll never guess what, it was quiet again. Hopalong was hoping the study leave paid off, as he had a CIMA exam.

Wednesday 26 May – And then another one today. Late football always means there is no way you can actually do anything.

Thursday 27th May – It won’t come as a surprise to find that the work meal fell through again, however this wasn’t going to deter Squirrel, Seeks, Blondie and Garden from going out for a few drinks, and were joined by Tom. First stop was Sinclair’s Oyster Bar, and after a few, Tom and Blondie had gone. Pizza hut beckoned for the others, and on coming out Garden managed to fall flat on her face and injure herself, but that didn’t stop them from going to Waxy O’Connor’s for more drinks. Seeks and Garden got their trains home and Squirrel headed to 5^th Ave, and a very late night, and in a continuation of his recent good form, pulled again.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Garden – Have you seen how many two legged pigeons there are in Albert Square? (As opposed to what?)

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 28 May – It’s a toss up between two of the usual suspects with 5^th Ave and XS vying for the post payday business.

Saturday 29th – Amanda’s 21^st Birthday bash, upstairs at Scubar – This promises to get messy.

Sunday 30th – Normally quiet, but a disco in the Griffin has been mentioned, and why not seeing as

Monday 31^st May – Today is a Bank Holiday Monday. National lounging day. Tip Top

Thursday 3rd June – No it’s not a good idea to go to 5^th Ave, you need to conserve your strength. Not only that but it’s Blondie’s last day at her current employment.

Friday 4th June – Oh dear. What shall we do, there are two separate nights out. First there is Friday drinking to celebrate Kate’s birthday, but at the same time in a similar location there is Blondie’s leaving do. Too messy to contemplate.

Saturday 5th June – Still drinking from previous night, but could all end at XS (for a change)

Sunday 6th June – Tuesday 8th June – Some lunatics are off to Blackpool, some people are busy, some are both.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – There hasn’t been anybody that has leapt out and shouted, I’m a winner, so no award.

Chump of the Fortnight – Turkish for managing to cut his foot in the garden before an important mid table clash.

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

I have had all the application forms that I’m going to accept, but due to the fact that I’ve been a bit of a busy little bastard the last couple of days then I won’t be making a decision until next week on who the new member of staff is going to be. I don’t know what’s got into some of you, but there are a couple of lengthy letters this time. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Marie Mesmer, from Bexley Heath, Kent, who meanders, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. You are totally mad. I think you should seek help." What have I told you about thinking? I’m the only muthafucker here qualified to do it.

Meanwhile a Desmond Branch, currently on board the HMS Darlington, writes with the following dilemma, “I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel. However her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?” Don’t be so fucking stupid, of course not, you don’t need to take the jam out of her doughnut like that.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Sergei Rachimov, from Vladivastok in Russia, with the undecipherable, “Вы получили зубную щетку? Мы идем в Лондон. Вы слышите это, Дуг? Я прибываю в Лондон! Вы показываете мне, как управлять диким гребаным цыганом, и я покажу Вам, как управлять расстроенным, кормящим свинью гангстером! Слишком напряженный? Вы могли сажать гиганта, трахающего реактивный самолет в этом! Они - ваши последние слова, так что делайте их просьбой(просителем). Это было под забавным углом. Это были две минуты пять минут назад. Места и держащееся колесо.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile, fresh in from the states is this little classic is a Debbie Dinkim, from Augusta, Maine. “I get aroused whenever I'm in class and someone says something intelligent. It's the weirdest thing. I get more aroused hearing people talk about literature or scientific theories, or what have you, than I do just looking at porn. It's no wonder I'm in love with a fluid dynamicist. Something about it just seems off to me, though, because the arousal isn't even directed at the person talking. It's entirely general. Sometimes, when I read a good book, I just have to masturbate. I don't get it.” What have I told you about thinking??

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He sat in his seat and contemplated just what he was going to do. He had no idea of just what would face him once he arrived at the destination that had been decided for them all. Would a gun be any use to him. Was there going to be any way out of his situation.

He shifted in his seat as he struggled to get used to the concealed gun in the small of his back. It felt uncomfortable pressed against his spine, and it took him several minutes to get into a position where the gun didn’t dig into him, and he was able to sit and forget about it.

Then suddenly hidden speakers crackled into life and a familiar voice started speaking. “Ladies and Gentlemen, as I’m quite sure you will have noticed, the crew have had an unfortunate accident – they became expendable. However let me assure you that you are in no danger. The automated controls on this aircraft are the finest ever constructed and you will be safely at your destination within the next ninety minutes. Once you have landed you will all be told the reason for you being here today, and, as long as you behave, you will find very comfortable lodgings for the next couple of weeks.”

The speaker clicked off, and he was stunned by the silence on the plane. For the first time since the guards had started dropping like flies with blood exploding from their internal organs, no one was screaming.

He had ninety minutes to come up with some kind of plan of action for what to do when they landed. He would have to assume that they would be keeping a fairly close eye on him as he seemed to be the perennial thorn in the side to them, and the fact that he wasn’t acting as he had been programmed to do.

Normally he would have gone straight to the source of the problem and try to shoot the lunatic in charge, but trying that would probably get him killed before he got anywhere near the target. He was going to have to be patient, and probably subtle as well. He could do with finding out exactly what was going on, and see if he could sabotage that at the same time.

The identity of the man in charge was niggling at him as well. The voice was certainly familiar, and so was the face that they had all saw briefly when he had addressed them through the television screens back in the airport terminal at Nyuk. He knew who this person was, and it was driving him nuts trying to think about it.

Eventually he got up out of his seat and headed over to where Andrea was sat. It was time to have a plan, and perhaps she had some idea as to who the lunatic in charge was.

Another from the Steven Seagal stable. Let loose to do whatever he wanted after the success of Under Siege, he came up with this where he stars as Forrest Taft, and ex agent, “from the page that isn’t even in the book”, who works as a fire fighter for an unscrupulous Oil boss. (Played as OTT evil by Michael Caine). However he finds a plot to open a new terminal with sub standard materials to deny the Alaskan Eskimos the oil rights that will default to them if it isn’t open on time. From there in it’s him versus nearly everyone else with typical results. The first of his many outings as an eco friendly warrior. Not one of his best but still entertaining. 3/5

This impressive structure was built at the new gateway into the walled enclosure known as the ‘new work’ or Newarke, which was built from 1330 by Henry, 3^rd Earl of Lancaster. The gateway itself was built by the 3^rd Duke of Lancaster, King Henry IV in 1400. There was never a portcullis on the gateway, which would suggest that it was always meant to be there to impress visitors rather that as a defensive measure. During it’s early use it is difficult to know what the rooms in the building were used for, but it could had been used by visitors to the Newarke, or as a dwelling by some of the townsfolk.

After the closure of the Church of the Annunciation of St. Mary, due to the reformation in 1548, the whole area of the Newarke came to be used by the richer citizens of Leicester as a tax dodge, due to the fact that the area fell outside the borough of Leicester and therefore no tax was payable. It would seem that from this time the Magazine was used as a prison, and it can be seen from graffiti still viewable in the building that there were prisoners there from at least 1564.

In the 17^th century it changed it use, to become the town armoury (or magazine), and as such stored all the gunpowder and weapons for the Leicester town militia. Despite the fact that there was fighting during the civil war siege of Leicester in 1645, around the local area, there was very little damage to the Magazine.

After the civil war it became the armoury for the County militia, and after much of the stonework was replaced in 1853, barracks and a drill hall were built close by in the 1860’s to house the Leicestershire militia.

In 1903 a new road was built through the gateway, and was declared at the time that it would put an end to the traffic problems in Leicester for once and for all! However the barracks and drill hall were demolished in the 1960’s to make way for a new road scheme and the Southgates bus station. At the time is was also suggested that the Magazine be demolished, however due to many furious protests this idea was thankfully scrapped.

The Magazine was then put to use as the museum to the Royal Leicestershire Regiment (known as ‘The Tigers’), and was used to show the history of the regiment from it’s inception up to is disbanding. It housed an impressive display of uniforms, medals and other artefacts connected with the regiment.

The museum was closed a few years ago and the building today stands empty, though still impressive.

ON THIS DAY

Saint's Day – St Dunstan, archbishop of Canterbury and patron saint of jewellers

If your hand or foot makes you lose faith; cut it off and throw it away! It is better for you to enter life without a hand or foot than to have both hands and both feet and be thrown into the eternal fire.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

A prestidigator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, there were 23 different pubs visited in the diary of the last issue of Surerandomality. The winner of the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe is a Vera Volcan, from the Vale of Belvoir. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, Who sang the song 68 Guns? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 9^th June wins the 12” single of it.

JOKES

The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill." Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill." The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker." The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name." The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've a-been driving a cab here for over forty years."

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked. "Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

A middle aged woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl The very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29' The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more. On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?" The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"

A man walks into his local chemist, “Excuse me,” he says to the assistant, “what are the best condoms you have?” “What colour?” asks the assistant. “Oh it doesn’t really matter,” says the customer. “In that case,” advises the assistant, “we’ve a great offer on 12 ultra-safe condoms, all different colours, for just £1.” Happy to be saving some cash, the customer pays up and leaves. Six months later, the very same man strolls back into the chemist. “Do you sell maternity bras?” he asks. The assistant walks over, “What bust?” “Can’t be sure,” replies the man, “we think it was the red one.”

Four teens are tragically killed when their light aircraft crashes in dreadful conditions. Investigators quickly arrive on the scene and find only a chimpanzee alive by the plane. Dazed the chimp starts making signs and gestures. “I think he’s trying to tell us something,” says the chief investigator, crouching down. “Do you understand me?” he asks the chimp. The primate nods. “Can you show me what these people were doing before the aircraft crashed?” Slowly the chimp raises a hand to his mouth and makes drinking gestures. “Drinking booze,” says the chief, “what else?” The chimp pretends to smoke. “Smoking drugs too, eh?” The chimp nods. “Anything else?” The chimp grabs the man’s leg and thrusts away. “They were having sex?!” The chimp nods it head. “No wonder they crashed,” sighs the investigator, “but I’m confused, what did these idiots want with you?” The chimp grins, hops back into the wreckage and sits proudly on the front seat. “He finally gone cold on you chief?” asks an onlooking officer. “No,” says the chief, “he was the pilot.”

A man’s wife goes missing. Sick with worry he phones the police. After three long days, an officer knocks on his door, cap in hand and with a solemn look on his face. “I’m afraid I have some bad news sir,” he explains, “we’ve just found your wife under the pier, she’s been dead two days.” The man breaks down into a flood of tears. “There, there,” says the officer, “there is some good news.” “really?” sobs the man. “It’s not much,” explains the officer, “but when we pulled your wife up, she was covered in sea creatures – crayfish, crabs, lobsters, you name it. We took them off and figured you might want them. Maybe for the funeral?” “She was always giving,” weeps the distraught man, “even in death it seems. Is that all?” “it is sir,” says the officer, “except that me and a few lads knock off around five, if you fancy it pop down to the pier.” “What for?” asks the man. “Dinner,” says the cop, “We’ve going to pull the old girl up again and see what she’s caught this time.”

A man goes into a pub and walks up to the bar looking like he has just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says the man. "That little git, O'Connor," says the bartender, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says the man, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself - didn't you have something in your hand?" "Yes I did," said the man, "Mrs O'Connor's breasts."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

DJ Pied Piper And The Masters Of Ceremonies - Do You Really Like It – Relentless MOS RELMOS 1CDS

These one hit wonders hit the number one spot on the first week in the charts, but only managed to stay at number one for a solitary week. It did however manage to spend a healthy fourteen weeks in the chart in total.

This group had started out life as Jefferson Airplane in the sixties, before becoming Jefferson Starship in the seventies, and then just plain Starship in the eighties, though this was only their fourth UK chart single and their last. It got to the number one spot on its fifth week on the chart and stayed there for a surprising four weeks in a seventeen week stay on the charts.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Back to the hip hop theme, as in a slight change there is the list of the all time top ten Hip Hop albums.

1. Various Artists – Electro 13. I know it sounds like a cop out having a compilation as number one, but this really is the greatest hip hop album of all time. It has a host of classics, little known stuff and mixed together brilliantly.

2. Eric B & Rakim – Paid in Full. The album that changed Hip Hop forever. The opening words are “I ain’t no Joke.” They weren’t kidding.

3. Ice T – The Iceberg / Freedom of Speech. A bit of everything, Metallica samples to open, Funky stuff, rock stuff, and introduced Everlast to the world.

4. Public Enemy – It Takes a Nation of Million to Hold Us Back. Took inspiration from Paid in Full and added political strength.

5. Beastie Boys – Licensed to Ill. Blasted Hip Hop into a media for the masses.

7. Outkast – Speakerboxx / The Love Below. Brilliantly contrasting double album.

8. LL Cool J – BAD (Bigger and Deffer). LL’s second album, and now in double figures, still his best.

9. De La Soul – 3ft High and Rising. The antithesis to Straight Outta Compton.

Just missing out Grandmaster Melle Mel and the Furious Five – Work Party, Run DMC – King of Rock, and Big Daddy Kane – Long Live the Kane. NERD – In search of, was seriously considered, but due to the mix of styles isn’t really just a hip hop album.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Scissor Sisters – Scissor Sisters, Grandmaster Flash complete Sugarhill works, Lot’s of 80’s 12”’s. Ash – 1977, The singular adventures of the Style Council, The Pixies – Wave of Mutilation.

WACKY RACES

Race 6 saw things shaken up a bit, with The Gruesome Twosome notching up it’s 2^nd consecutive win and third overall to move back to the top of the table, where it’s still tight between the top two. Elsewhere it was a miserable GP for The Bulletproof Bomb, who managed to record the lowest GP score by any competitor in any race with a measly 565, which saw him slump from a respectable 3^rd position to the bottom of the table.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	4593	48
2nd	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	4586	42
3rd	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	4456	35
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	4432	25
5th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	4408	23
6th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	4405	22
7th	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	4338	33
	After Monaco Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

It was apparent early on that Hit The Bar were going to be struggling for numbers - a 7pm kick off coupled with C0ck Boy still away, Owen's continued apathy towards playing (winning him the BAND PRACTISE BENDER) and new-found talent Pete unable to make it, meant 5 was the most they could hope for. Thankfully, G-Man was back in (although still off work sick, but with a suspiciously healthy glow to his skin), but Nez was stranded in Deansgate. A Schumacheresque performance from Dancing meant Nez was chauffeured pitch-side with minutes to spare, to join up with Squirrel, G-Man and Turkish. The opponents, new boys KF Soldiers were ready and waiting, with a large band of supporters as well. HTB struggled to start and quickly found themselves 3 down, and things got worse when it emerged the band of supporters were in fact KF Soldier's subs. However, HTB eventually found a rhythm and started banging in some goals (with a couple of cracking own goals too) and exposed KF Soldier's lack of Powerleague experience. HTB went into half-time 6-3 to the good. Unfortunately, whereas it was half-time as far as the game was concerned, it was deep into the second half of extra time as far as HTB's legs were concerned. A dismal second half display from HTB saw progressively poor marking, tired shooting and a lack of movement in general (even Nez's jaw muscles were relatively still). Credit to KF Soldier's, they capitalised and took away a 12-8 victory, but they may find it difficult if HTB bring a sub to the return leg.

Squirrel - good game, some smart stops, even a couple of double-saves and kept HTB in with a shout at times. Not his best ever performance, but a lack of other contenders earns him SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Dancing - used all his adrenaline up trying to get to the game and arrived at kick off with the fuel warning light already on. Like the rest, played well in the first half but faded faster than a cheap pair of jeans - 6

G-Man - not at his best tonight, was responsible for conceding possession in front of his own goal a couple of times and his shooting wasn't as he would have wanted either. Ran out of steam quicker than a second-hand iron - 6

Turkish - also played well to begin with but progressively found himself stranded up front. Too many chances went begging and too many passes astray. Showed good commitment early on but wore-out faster than the receptionist's toothbrush - 6

Nez - compared to last week, he played like his boots were on the wrong feet. Was explosive in his effort in the first half, and to good effect but also faded fast. Some fitness coaches have suggested smoking a pack of fags on Monday night may not have helped - 6

Considering five players weren't really enough last week, Hit The Bar were well up the proverbial creek without a poodle this week, as they were down to just four to play against Millenium. Turkish had withdrawn with that all-too-common complaint - the gardening-related foot injury, and C0ck Boy was either not back from Mexico, or lying low with his phone switched off. Drastic measures were therefore taken, with Squirrel phoning up BG for some Powerleague replacements. Upon arrival, HTB were pleased to find a couple of Sunday night, division 1 ringers ready to play in the form of Richard Ashcroft's younger brother and his friend, who was sporting a 1990s curtains hairstyle. When HTB were asked by their new team-mates which league they were in, there was some embarrassed mumbling between G-Man and Dancing as to whether they were in division 3, or as low as division 4. Division 4 was settled on, with no-one mentioning the fact that they all knew - they were a division 5 outfit. Bypassing any form of warm-up, the game kicked off with HTB in some degree of disarray. A lack of touch, discipline and desire from HTB saw some scrappy play and a few early goals traded, with the non-descript half ending 4-3 to Millennium and it becoming apparent that the skill level on Sunday's in division 1 was around about that of division 5 on a Wednesday. The second half saw a now-warmed-up HTB show a bit more composure and the ability to put together some nice moves. The new boys settled down too and the result was HTB establishing a nice lead. As the game progressed, Millennium became visible annoyed with each other and allowed HTB to capitalise further, the result a reasonably comfortable 10-7 win.

Squirrel - seemed least affected by the lack of a warm-up, mainly because he usually spends them avoiding the ball. Had a pretty busy game and made some excellent saves. Good positioning meant he could keep most shots out, and he even treated the crowd to the rare sight of Squirrel diving as he stopped one low down to his left. - 8

Nez - was more provider than goal scorer this week, with some nice little flicks and nifty touches picking out the runners well in the second half. He let his team-mates know when they weren't pulling their weight, although he stills needs to realise possession can be lost simply because his team are sometimes a bit cack. Excessive whining about a couple of grazes on his arm was enough to earn him the FEEBLE FAGGOT award - 7

Dancing - dire start to the game saw him subbing himself off early on and didn't really get going until after half-time. Got better as the game went on and slotted a couple into the opponents net, with the second goal a clear advert for the advantages of using a well aimed toe-punt. - 7

G-Man - didn't start well either but gradually upped his tempo. By mid-way through the second half, the G-Man of old was back with some excellent tackling, determined running and a hat-trick to boot. Despite the shaky start he played well enough to earn SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Curtains - his mate talked him up as being 'the good one' so there was a bit of disappointment as he started fairly averagely. Once he got into the game though it was clear he was a good organiser who liked to start moves from the back, and he made a fair few decent tackles as well - 7

Ashcroft - a good grafter who made some solid tackles. Was involved in several of the goal scoring moves of the second half. Gave the ball away occasionally but generally did a good job for HTB - 7

Nez 23, Dancing 13, G Man 12, Squirrel 10, Ricky Organ 9, Turkish 6, Owen 2, Pete 2, OG 2, Ashcroft 2, Curtains 1.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	8	8	0	0	115	42	73	0	24
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	8	7	1	0	109	33	76	0	21
HIT THE BAR	8	4	4	0	82	80	2	0	12
MILLENIUM	8	4	4	0	56	60	-4	0	12
ED DYNAMOS	8	4	4	0	62	72	-10	0	12
VASKO DE GATLEY	8	2	5	1	63	88	-25	0	7
K F SOLDIERS	8	1	6	1	43	87	-44	0	4
EXPOTEL	8	1	7	0	44	112	-68	0	3

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Played three, lost three. Still very much on a learning curve. He’ll be jockeying for a decent early position. Claims if cornering unscathed.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

On the eve of the 1938 World Cup final against Hungary, each member of the Italy squad received a three word telegram from Mussolini. It read “Win or Die”. Luckily for the them, the Italians won 4-2.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, it is a disastrous occasion. This is the final league table, subject to ratification from the Sun on Saturday, but obviously barring a minor miracle there are going to be no changes to this table. Therefore the winner is Ricky Organ’s Cherokee Hair Tampons, who wins the first prize of £160.00, and the runner up is Squirrel’s Tip Top Team, who wins £80.00. Those of you who are more Mr Current Affairs than not will notice that there appears to be something of a shortfall. This is due to the fact that two of the 26 teams that entered failed to pay, therefore affecting the final payout. We now have a year of unbearable gloating from the Cock boy.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1776
2nd	Tip Top Team	1674
3rd	Molineux Misfits	1619
4th	Full Gun Lollipops	1606
5th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1596
6th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1551
7th	Seek'em & Destroy	1521
8th	Chelle's Allstars	1515
9th	Magpie City FC	1470
10th	Russian Gold	1466
11th	Westside XI	1461
12th	Shit or Bust	1431
13th	Wednesday Wannabes	1414
14th	The World's Smallest Violin	1396
15th	Nic	1365
16th	Andy	1343
17th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1336
18th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1333
19th	No use for a name	1314
20th	Requiem For A Team	1304
21st	Owen	1269
22nd	Nez	1168
23rd	MUP(pet)S	1150
24th	The Unidumpers	1105
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	906
26th	Whipping Boys	848
	Final Table

EUROPEAN FANTASY FOOTBALL

And yet almost immediately comes the chance to put the old season to the back of your minds with the immediate follow on of Euro 2004 Fantasy Football. The rules are about the same (slight difference in scoring and money to spend). If you want to enter then it’s a tenner a team, with the prizes split depending on the number of entrants. Full rules are available from me, along with player lists and entry forms. The deadline is 5pm on Saturday 12^th June, just before the kick off of the first game of Euro 2004. Get your entries in by any of the usual channels, e-mail, Mail, word of mouth, text message, or random scruffy piece of paper, just no carrier pigeons this time.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Everton
Founded						1878
Turned Professional						1885
Admitted to the League						1888
Previous Names						St Domingo FC
Nickname (s)						The Toffees
Ground						Goodison Park
Capacity						40,170
Previous Grounds						Stanley Park, Priory Road, Anfield
Seasons in Each Division
1						101
2						4
3						0
4						0
Trophies
Division 1						1890-91, 1914-15, 1927-28, 1931-32, 1938-39, 1963-64, 1969-70, 1984-85, 1986-87
Division 2						1930-31
FA Cup						1906, 1933, 1966, 1984, 1995
Simod Cup						1989
Charity Shield						1928, 1932, 1963, 1970, 1984, 1985, 1987, 1995 and shared in 1986
European Cup Winners Cup						1985
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by the members of St. Domingo’s Sunday school in 1878, and playing on Stanley Park, they took on the new name of Everton the following year when membership expanded. They moved to their current home in 1892 from Anfield, which led to the founding of Liverpool FC
Synopsis - Major Events						Original members of the football league, they have only slipped out of the top flight twice, and apart from the post war 40’s and the 50’s they have won a trophy in every decade.
Synopsis - Recent times						Original members of the Premier League, they have struggled, and apart from two seasons where they have finished 6^th they have been fighting relegation every season, with only an FA cup win to comfort the fans.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						One of only 3 teams to be founder members of both the Football League and the Premier League. They have spent more years than any other club in the top flight. They also hold the record for most points and most goals scored in the top flight. They are the only league club in England that are not named after an actual place.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	85		67		63			308		250		51		52		112		219		337		527
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
13th		17^th		15^th			6^th		15^th		17^th		14^th		13^th		16^th		15^th		7^th