Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Blake Molnar, an honour student at Danbury High School in Lakeside, Ohio, bought a ticket in a school-sponsored contest benefiting the American Cancer Society and he won the grand prize: he got to throw a pie in the principal's face. Principal Karen Abbott stood still to take her medicine as the 110-pound boy took his best shot at the close of the school-wide assembly. But as he returned to his seat Abbott "grabbed" him, hauled him to the office and called police. The 15-year-old has been expelled from school for 80 days and, at the principal's insistence, could face criminal assault charges. "There was at least what Karen felt was malicious intent," said Police Chief Mike Meisler. "There was too much force used" in hitting her with the pie. - Well it wasn’t exactly a tickling competition, was it?

Police say Tomas Sheerin of County Kildare, Ireland, had an argument with a man and decided to break into the man's house to beat him up. He climbed into a bedroom window late at night but made so much noise that one of the house's occupants awoke and called out "Who's there?" Sheerin answered "It's me, Tommy." In court to plead guilty to the resulting burglary charge, Sheerin's lawyer conceded his client is "a few bushes short of a shrubbery." - I’ll fight you for it?

The Virginia Supreme Court turned down the petition for a new trial for Aleck J. Carpitcher, who was sentenced in 1999 to 38 years in prison for molesting an 11-year-old girl even though she recently told authorities she made up the whole incident to punish Carpitcher, who was at the time dating the girl's mother. The justices cited state law, which allows consideration of "new evidence" only if it is submitted within three weeks of the sentencing date. - Shit, it takes longer than that for the judges to get dressed of a morning.

Residents in the curiously named village of Fucking, Austria, have voted against changing it's moniker - despite roads signs being regularly stolen by English speakers. One villager said, "Everyone here knows what in means in English, but for us, Fucking is Fucking, and it's going to stay Fucking." The village which neighbours the towns of Windpassing and Vomitville, is named after it's founder - one Herr Fucking. - No, really, this is true

This issue’s guest publication is People Management, The magazine of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development.

The government will fail to meet its targets for public service reform unless it puts people management at the heart of them, argues a CIPD report. The report, “People and Public Services: Why Central Targets Miss the Mark,” urges the government to reduce the number of centralised targets and allow greater managerial discretion over local level pay setting. - Thrilling stuff.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The next Surerandomality night out is only two weeks away on Friday 25^th June. Full details are available in it’s own section, but remember that attendance is compulsory, and that by reading this line you have agreed to attend.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

SURERANDOMALITY NIGHT OUT – 25TH JUNE

Yes people, the next Surerandomality event is nearly upon us, in fact it’s only two weeks away. Granted it’s not likely to get as messy as the Didsbury Dozen, but it does have possibilities.

As the only Surerandomality event of the summer, it is advised to book early to avoid disappointment. Any time up til 6pm on the evening in question should be acceptable.

Nights out need some kind of rough structure to them, and trust me, the structure to this is as rough as you are ever likely to find.

Start – 6pm – Sinclair’s Oyster Bar – Exchange Square. A chance for the loonies to get an early start on the cheapest pints in town.

8pm – Fab Café – Portland Street. A somewhat unusual choice, but mid way across town for everyone, and a varied play list of music. Also has a relaxed dress code at that time, and no entrance fee. NB This could be subject to change, cos if England win their Euro 2004 group then they will be playing at 20.45 tonight, so a venue showing the football will have to be found.

10pm (ish) – Font – New Wakefield Street. Again another free entry venue, and another step to the final destination.

11.30 (ish-ish) – Northern Funk at Subspace – New Wakefield Street. A few doors down for some sweet soul music and open til half two.

Those wanting crash pads, please speak to the appropriate agents. Dress code – jeans and trainers, but really anything you want, just don’t forget your sunglasses, and remember to smile when the camera is pointed at you.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Any Way Up. Which just about describes the state of my head. I’ve been a busy little bastard the last couple of weeks, you know how it is when it’s the time of the month, but I’ve definitely not been helped by the fucking weather. It’s hotter than a muthafucker in here. There’s absolutely, positively no fucking need for it to be this hot this early in the year, or in this country for that matter. I mean, for crying out loud, I’m fucking melting here. All I want to do is sleep, but it’s even too hot to do that properly. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 28th May – Still buzzing from the night before, Squirrel met Kate for a few dinner time pints in the Square Albert. However his intention to actually make it home from work on a Friday night for a change were scuppered by a call from Ricky Organ. The Crown was the destination, where he joined Ricky Organ, Turkish, The Chemist and Hopalong who had just started drinking. Time flies when you’re enjoying yourself, and with everyone who had them dropping their cars off it had got to 10pm in record time, and they were joined by Kelly as she finished her shift. They left to wander down to the Dog & Partridge, but despite the combined efforts of everyone else, The Chemist took this as a sign it was time to leave, and headed back to Chez Kingsway. Though they were joined by Jodie in the Dog & Partridge they lost Turkish on the way to XS as he cried off citing an early start in the morning. This left Ricky Organ, Squirrel, Hopalong, Kelly and Jodie to get into XS, where they were joined by Wes. Much dancing and drinking followed, and then everyone wandered off their own way.

Saturday 29^th May – Squirrel was up and out before midday, scared away by the continued sounds of DIY at Chez Woodheys. Meanwhile Ricky Organ was feeling somewhat less than tip top, and struggled to pick up his car just after one, as The Chemist dropped him off at the Crown on his way to meeting G Man in there. Back in town, Squirrel was having a couple of breakfast beers in Sinclair’s before heading home. G Man was out earliest to meet up with Amanda, Jen, Jo, Briany and Justin for a meal in Zumbar, before heading back to Scubar where Squirrel had managed to arrive at in fine cheeky form. As other guests turned up, they were also joined by Kate, Wes and Fiona, who was only stopping briefly to drop Wes off. Needless to say that didn’t happen. Not only that but Owen managed to part company with his sofa and had turned up with Nez. As a night at Scubar would indicate things got messy. Goldfish bowls, and shooters were the main culprits, and the first candidate was Kate who managed to go to sleep, and then fall on the floor. Kev was called to help to get her home and had the near impossible task of trying to get her to move. People began to move off home as it suddenly reached the throwing out hour of 2, how it got to that time no one really knows. Taxis back to Amanda, Jen and Jo’s followed, though once there Squirrel and G Man made a break for the kebab shop, despite the fact they’d been told they wouldn’t be let back in afterwards. Sure enough, the door remained closed when they got back, until the possibility of them driving back led to a quick opening of the door, confiscation of keys and them being let in.

Sunday 30^th May – In a standard action Squirrel woke and carried on drinking his bottle from the night before, and along with G Man headed back to Chez Woodheys. The afternoon saw Wes having a barbecue, and so G Man, Squirrel and Amanda headed over, and continued drinking. For absolutely no reason, Squirrel bought a bottle of JD and fed shots to Wes and G Man, though Fiona refused, probably in some kind of protest at the fact that Squirrel had only spoke in pikey to her the night before. G Man and Amanda headed off early evening, and after a couple of more beers and some vodka shots, Squirrel headed to Heaton Mersey, while Wes and everyone else headed over to Revise before returning to carry on the party. The Griffin was the destination in Heaton Mersey, and also there was Hopalong. Unsurprisingly so were Kelly and Jodie, and more drinking started. A bit of a late one saw people wandering off well after midnight.

Monday 31^st May – Despite protestations to the contrary, people were out and drinking again on the Monday. G Man was out all day with Amanda for her birthday. Hopalong and The Chemist headed to the Didsbury for a couple of quiet pints, and Squirrel headed to the Friendship to meet Kate and Kev for a similar amount. Hopalong and the Chemist headed back to Chez Kingsway to have a barbecue, and in the late evening Squirrel was on his way but got waylaid and joined G Man and Amanda in the Hogshead, for more beer and shooters.

Tuesday 1st June – No need for days like this, and to top it off, there was a five a side game late at night. Absolutely no fucking need.

Wednesday 2nd June – But it did mean that this was a football free Wednesday for the first time in ages. Much against his better judgement Hopalong was out with Kelly

Thursday 3rd June – Ricky Organ and Turkish headed off for yet another work jolly, this time a week long conference in new Orleans. In a practise run for her birthday Kate managed to fall off the bus on the way to work, and it wasn’t alcohol induced. Yet again Hopalong was out with Kelly, but to finish with her, which she didn’t take to very well.

Friday 4th June – Rumblings of people coming out straight from work faded, leaving Squirrel and Kol meeting Kate and her workmates in Square Bar (god what a fucking shit hole). A few drinks later and Kol headed off and everyone else had headed to Corbiere’s (how fucking hot?). The alcohol began to tell on Kate, and by ten it was time for her to head home. Squirrel got in the taxi with her, and dropped her at her house, where she proceeded to fall over again. XS beckoned and besides the usual suspects in the corner, Becky was also there. Later on Kelly and Jodie turned up, and after numerous drinking and dancing obligations Squirrel shared a taxi back to Heaton Mersey with them

Saturday 5th June – Some lazy bastards didn’t get up til 6pm. Elsewhere Wes was in Portsmouth on some kind of work do. Hopalong and The Chemist were embarking on a marathon pool session at Squirrels, which due to the fact that I haven’t heard about the score must mean that the Chemist won. G Man and Amanda’s plan to hit the cinema was scuttled by the fact that everyone else had the same idea and the place was full, so they settled for a few drinks in Didsbury, hitting the Didsbury, Ye Olde Cock, and the famous Crown, before being refused entry to the Clocktower, and then again as they tried the other entrance, but with the same bouncer there. Hopalong has got The Chemist sufficiently pissed to get him into XS (it’s a fine line, pissed enough to agree, but not too pissed so the bouncers won’t let them in). Yet again Kelly and Jodie were there, and they all shared a taxi back home.

Sunday 6th June – Yeah like anyone is in any kind of state to do anything in this fucking weather. A quiet day (and night) all round.

Wednesday 9th June – What happens? You wait ages for a football free Wednesday, and then two come along together, just like buses really. Not only that but it’s celebration time after Amanda finished her exams, and along with G Man and others from her course it was a bit of a late night, with a Rusholme curry on the menu as well.

Thursday 10th June – Still hot, and speaking of hot, Hopalong has a hot date lined up. By all accounts it isn’t in Heaton Mersey for some strange reason.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE – SQUIRREL STYLE

Squirrel positions himself in front of a random female's (wearing a slogan T-Shirt) chest. After about a minute.

Squirrel - Oh. Sorry Love but I wasn't trying to read what it said, I was just looking at your tits. (Wanders off before response)

Squirrel (to another random female) - I heard you're supposed to give good head.

Squirrel - Suppose a shag's out of the question then? (Wanders off before response)

A couple of days later after sending work stats out about same new worker (which weren't good).

Squirrel (in response) - A little bit disorganised? Isn't that like saying Hitler was a little bit naughty?

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Blondie - yea that’s the one. The teams are all American places, ie; new York new York and Boston.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 11th June – Taking things easy is the watchword this weekend, with good reason. Except for G Man who’s been collared into going to Essex for the weekend.

Saturday 12^th June – First day of the Euro 2004 championships and deadline for entries for the fantasy football.

Sunday 13th June – England Vs France. Ye Olde Cock in, get there early for premium seating. About 1 should be fine (it’s a 7.45 KO)

Thursday 17th June – England are playing again, this time against Switzerland (5pm KO), this could get messy, especially with it being a Thursday.

Sunday 20th June – Tuesday 22nd June – For the last England group game (Croatia 7.45 KO)

Thursday 24th June – England could be playing again tonight if they finish runners up in their group

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight – Expotel, for quitting the league just when we needed them to.

Chump(s) of the Fortnight – Hit the Bar – Did you see them against FC Polska?

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

A quick note as I rush through this section, the new post room girl is an Angela Evanly, who managed a quite nice score of 29 on the application form, and is thankfully dressing for the weather in the office. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Yvonne Davies, from Aberystwyth somewhere on the west coast of Wales, who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. You’re mad you are" Not half as mad as you you daft cow.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes Heinrich Flabbel, from Bonn, in Germany, who witters on as such, “Haben Sie eine Zahnbürste erhalten? Wir fahren nach London. Hören Sie das, Doug? Ich komme nach London! Sie zeigen mich wie, einen wilden fickenen Zigeuner zu kontrollieren, und ich werde Sie wie zeigen, ein unhinged, Schweinzufuhrgangster zu kontrollieren! Zu dicht? Sie könnten einen Jumbo landen, Düse in das zu ficken! Diese sind Ihre letzten Wörter, damit sie ein Gebet macht. Es war an einem lustigen Winkel. Es war vor zwei Minuten fünf Minuten. Sitze und ein Steuerungsrad.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile godd old Chuck Bradley from Portland, Oregon, feels the need to share this with us. “My girlfriend uses cheap toilet paper or something.. because lately when I go to eat her out I can see little bits of toilet paper stuck to her vagina.. its pretty nasty... but I never say anything.. I mean how can even begin to bring it to her attention... it's very awkward but something has to be done!” Buy her a bidet?

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He hadn’t really seen where Andrea had been seated, and he realised that he hadn’t noticed which way she had come from when she’d approached him, or which way she’d gone when she had headed back. He’d been a little preoccupied, and therefore was having a bit of difficulty locating her. The way the chairs had all been set out facing different directions didn’t help much either. It wasn’t like walking down the aisle of a normal plane, and some seats faced him and some had their back to him. It took him a couple of minutes to find her, in typically the last area of the passenger cabin that he searched.

She squinted up at him, and reached into her bag and put her sunglasses on. He wondered why she’d ever taken them off in this hellhole of bright light, and as he did he couldn’t even recall if she’d been wearing them when she had come over.

“Andrea,” he started, “Were you watching the screens when the guy in charge addressed us back in Nyuk?”

“It’s been bugging me. I recognise the face from the screen, and the voice is really familiar. I get the feeling that we should know who this man is, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

“Are you sure?” Asked Andrea, “You might well have said the same thing about me!”

He hadn’t thought of that, if Claire hadn’t been dead then Andrea would have been easy to mistake for her, even to the extent that as he looked at her now, it’s all he could do not to actually address her as Claire. He mumbled, “I suppose so,” and weakly added, “but it’s not the same.”

She nodded, before adding softly, “It’s alright, I know.” There was another silence before she added, “I’ve got something for you, but you’ll need to bend or kneel down for me to give it to you safely.”

He stood wondering for a moment before kneeling down by the side of her, catching himself glancing at her cleavage as he did so, and feeling himself flush as he did so. Once on his knees he looked up at Andrea and wondered if she’d noticed, but if she had she didn’t let on. He found himself asking, “Well? Go on and surprise me then, what have you got for me then?”

She looked around surreptitiously before, going back into her handbag and producing a gun, which she quickly thrust into his hand. He knelt there looking at it for a while before realising he ought to put it out of sight and quickly put it in his pocket.

“I just saw it lying on the floor as I came back over and so I picked it up as no one was looking.” She added in way of an explanation.

The very late follow up to the classic Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (and by a different author), this book is set in the Deep South (of Manchester), and follows the story of a twenty something male (known to everyone as Monkey), who struggles with the heat in his tin roofed office, fighting the idiocy of his recruitment candidates by day, and struggling with his fledgling DIY firm during his evenings and weekends.

RANDOM LIST

More than 880,000 vessels have used the Panama Canal since its opening on August 15, 1914

In ASCII, the letters "B I L L G A T E S" add up to 666, the Number Of the Beast

The largest employer in the world is the Indian railway system, employing 1,646,704 people

RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you always do what you've always done, you will always be where you've always been

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Since 1983, the metre has been defined internationally as the length of the path travelled by light in a vacuum during 1 / 299,792,458^th of a second. Importantly, a second is in turn defined as the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the caesium-133 atom.

Personally, I’m really glad they cleared that up for us, there was me thinking a metre was 100 centimetres.

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

The act of receiving Fellacio whilst sitting on the Throne to drop the kids off at the pool.

Born in 1492, he was a native of Reading, who had no direct connection with Leicester. He became wealthy as a member of the Company of Merchant Tailors, He founded St. John’s College Oxford, and was Lord Mayor of London in 1553. He died in 1567.

He is celebrated in Leicester due to his interest in promoting trade in Midland towns. He executed a deed to give £40 of the £70 annual income from land worth £1400 to be set aside for 9 year interest free loans to men ‘of fair name and face’ to get them started in business. It was to be shared between five towns on a 40 year rolling basis between Leicester, Coventry, Warwick, Northampton, and Nottingham.

Today local trustees hold the funds and provide loans of any value, and for any purpose seen fit, they are still repayable after 9 years, and are only available to those residing within the city boundaries.

He stands as one of the four Leicester benefactors on the base of the Clock Tower.

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1942 – Nazis burn village of Lidice Bohemia, as reprisal for the killing of Heydrich

Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying, In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb, according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an house.

That sounds a fair swap, but I’m not sure that Estate Agents would go for that now days.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

A military punishment for desertion, mutiny or the like, where one person in a hundred is selected for execution.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, 68 guns was a song by The Alarm. The winner of the twelve inch single of 68 Guns is a William Warburton, from Worcester. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, In Roman Numerals, what is the highest number that is the same no matter which way up it is? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 23^rd June wins a Roman Abacus.

JOKES

A guy walks into a sex parlour goes up to the counter and says "so, what’s today’s special?" and the counter guy says "well we have a lady in back who can suck you off and sing the national anthem at the same time" so he pays walks in back and the lady does exactly what it says on the tin! so anyway he goes to the pub for a while and then goes back to the shop. He asks the same question goes in back and just after she starts he turns on the light, the first thing he sees is a glass eyeball in a cup

David Beckham's ..voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches... A spokesman said, "We heard that he comes over the PA really well."

Why do females pierce their belly buttons? So they have someplace to hang the air freshener.

Three female vampires walk into a bar. The first female vampire walks up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood, the bartender gets the drink and the first female vampire walks off, then comes the second female vampire, "half a blood and lime please" she asks, the bartender gets the drink and then she's off, then comes the third female vampire she asks the bartender for a glass of water, the bartender replies "what no blood???”, she then produces a used tampon and says "no I’m making tea!!!!!"

One day a farmer went to a town to buy some animals. He got to the place and said, "Hi, I'd like to buy a rooster". The man said, "Sir we don't call it a rooster here, we call it a cock." So the farmer replied, "Well then I'll take a cock." Then he looked around and thought that if he was going to buy a rooster he'd need a chicken, so he said, "I'll also take a chicken." The man at the store said, "Sir it is called a pullet here!" So the farmer told him he'd buy a pullet. Then the farmer thought that he'd need a donkey to carry everything since he was walking home. He said, "Hey you know what, I'll take a donkey too." The guy at the store said, "Yes sir but it is called an ass!!" So then the guy at the store explained to the farmer that the ass sometimes doesn't wanna walk. He told him that when this happens all he has to do is scratch its butt and it'll start walking again. On his way home he was walking and suddenly the ass stopped. He pulled and pulled on the lasso but it didn't work. Then the rooster and the chicken started to fall off of the donkey so he grabbed them. After a while he remembered what the clerk told him, but he couldn't put the animals down 'cause he was afraid someone would steal them. He then saw a very attractive young woman walking towards him and when she got closer he asked her, "Hey miss could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

A guy who had been on a business trip for a couple of weeks comes home to find his son, Jimmy, riding a brand new 18 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for that bike?" he asked his son. "It must've been over $200." "It's easy Dad.” replied Jimmy. "I got the money hiking." "Come on, tell the truth." his dad said. "I am telling the truth." his son insisted. Every day you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom, give me $20 and tell me to take a hike."

How can you tell when a man has a good night? He wakes up with a smile on his face and hair in his teeth.

How can you tell when a man has a bad night? He wakes up with a stomachache and a string hanging from his mouth.

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand." The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream. "Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said. "It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost. His wife asked him, "What is it then?" He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

Once there was a little girl and her parents were fighting, her mom called her dad a bastard and the dad called her mom a bitch. The little girl asks what that means and the dad said a bitch is another word for ladies and bastard is another word for gentlemen. So she said ok and goes on, later on the dad comes in and said honey I'm going to the store what do you need and she said some condoms and pads and the little girls asks what that means and the mom answers it's another word for coats and hats. Later on the mom is in the bathroom putting on make up and said oh shit and the little girl said what does that mean and she said its another word for make-up and she said ok. Then she's goes in the kitchen and her dad is craving the turkey and said fuck and she asks what that means he said its another word for craving the turkey and of coarse she said ok. Soon the doorbell rings and the little girl goes and answers the door and said "Hello bitches and bastards may I take your condoms and pads my moms in the bathroom putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt. In fact he really is a useless shite.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The first release by Adam Ant (Stuart Goddard in real life) as a solo artist having got rid of his Ants (That’s his backing artists, and not the insects you always find you’re sitting on at a picnic). This managed to fight its way to number one, keeping The Jam with The Bitterest Pill off the top spot. As a solo artist he had a number of hits over the next couple of years, before moving into acting, and recently has been in the news due to his somewhat strange behaviour.

The first chart entry for these three brothers, Isaac, Zac and Taylor Hanson (hence the name of the band), spoilt little bastards from Texas, and the youngest group of chart toppers to hit the top with their own composition. In a summer where the British record buying public had gone mad, this had four weeks at the top of the charts in between releases from the Spice Girls and Peter Andre. Had some more top ten hits, before fading away to well deserved obscurity.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Still in the Hip Hop theme, and the last of the series, I’m going to list the all time top 10 rap artists. Please note that this is different from the top ten rappers as was run down a number of issues ago. This also includes groups and allows for all round talents and is not just based on their ability to rap.

1. Eric B & Rakim. Yes they include the best rapper, but also add in the talents of Eric B as a DJ and producer, and the change they brought about to the way Hip Hop was made, and there is none to touch them.

2. Grandmaster Flash, Melle Mel & The Furious Five. In reality, the people who bought rap to the masses, The Sugarhill Gang may have had the first hit, but these were the innovators who made the cross over possible.

3. The Beastie Boys. Bought rap to a white audience that had previously ignored it. Then went on to always be at the cutting edge, and are still at the forefront today.

4. Ice T. As the man says himself, “Known and respected as the creator of the crime rhyme.” Used all types of music to back his rhymes, and had the first rap artist owned record label.

5. Dr Dre. The production genius of rap. World Class Wreckin Kru, NWA, Himself, Snoop, 2pac, Eminem. Nuff said.

7. Wu Tang Clan. 9 members, and all quality artists in their own right. Never has so much rap talent been in the same place.

8. Public Enemy. The first overtly political rap group, and would probably have been higher if it wasn’t for the fact that Flavor Flav bugs the hell out of me.

10. Salt ‘n’ Pepa. Rubbished as a “pop” band (a la their short lived change of name to Salt ‘n’ Pepa ‘n’ Mustard), but they are the premier female mc’s, just check out some of the non chart stuff.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Young MC – Stone Cold Rhyming, Ice T – Original Gangster, Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife, Propaganda – Duel, Dre – The Chronicle.

EUROPEAN FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes people, it’s Euro 2004 Fantasy Football. The rules are about the same (slight difference in scoring and money to spend). If you want to enter then it’s a tenner a team, with the prizes split depending on the number of entrants. Full rules are available from me, along with player lists and entry forms. The deadline is 5pm on Saturday 12^th June, just before the kick off of the first game of Euro 2004. (JUST IN CASE YOU’RE A BIT RETARDED, THAT’S TOMORROW!) Get your entries in by any of the usual channels, e-mail, Mail, word of mouth, text message, or random scruffy piece of paper, just no carrier pigeons this time.

WACKY RACES

Race seven may well turn out to be the pivotal point of the season, with the chaos caused by Juan Pablo “Brain dead Shithead” Montoya at the first corner of the European grand prix seeing a hefty lead established at the top of the table for the first time this season. With the next couple of GP’s coming in quick succession from across the pond, and likely to be lost amongst the hype of Euro 2004, things could be well poised by the time everyone gets back to Europe and we get to the transfer window.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	5396	52
2nd	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	5237	51
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	5210	31
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	5183	28
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	5175	39
6th	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	5117	41
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	5030	24
	After European Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

A 9.30 fixture against top-of-the-league opposition, clashing with England vs. Japan, and multiple squad members whinging early doors. It would be fair to say things didn't look good before kick-off, but after a respectable performance in the first "leg" nobody really expected the thrashing that was served up by Polska FC. Despite a promising opening (with the score 0-0), HTB quickly went behind and rarely troubled the opposition, the score 12-2 at the break. If anything the second half was worse, the onslaught continued unabated and the humiliation deepened. The gulf in class, fitness and confidence really showed, the match finishing 22-4. At least we won't be playing them again for a few years. In a hyphenated word: Dag-Sh1t

Squirrel: Eriksson's decision not to take the big stopper to Portugal looked a good one, as he was repeatedly beaten at near post, far post and from just about every conceivable angle. Not his best game, but protected by a defence less effective than the Maginot Line. Performance reminiscent of legendary Bon Accord 'keeper Andrew Lornie. 3

G-Man: Anonymous. No positives from this performance spring to mind, although was lucky enough to witness a near bloodbath on pitch 5. Performance reminiscent of Paul Scholes on one of his trademark off-days. 2

Nez: Battled and harried, but it was for naught. Clinched consolation hat-trick with a well-taken penalty. Performance reminiscent of Di Canio in his Sheffield Wednesday days. 5 SURERANDOMALITY BEST OF A BAD BUNCH

Cock Boy: Barely touched the ball, even when passed to feet. Looked rather more full of Tacos and Margaritas than Mexican Jumping Beans. The dizzy heights of Expotel are a rapidly fading memory. Earns point on basis of nicely ironed kit, in a performance reminiscent of The Invisible Man. 1 POWERLEAGUE PARAPLEGIC

Turkish: Offered an outlet and tried to hold the ball up when HTB were in possession, which was unfortunately for less than 10% of the game. Unlucky to have a legitimate goal ruled out, and for once left the field without bleeding. Performance reminiscent of Emile Heskey aged 39. 4

Fab: An impressive debut from the Tuesday night regular; ran and tackled with vigour, but failed to make an impact in the opposition half. Will no doubt be the answer of a future pub quiz question (think Viv Anderson). Performance reminiscent of Carlton Palmer. 5

With an absence list looking like a who’s who of Big Brother rejects, there were serious doubts about getting a team to stand up to the rigours of a tie against Expotel. Granted they were bottom, and in a freak occurrence earlier in the season Cock Boy had managed to score 8 against them in a 20-10 win, however with only 3 confirmed players, Squirrel was leaving it until the last possible moment before ringing Powerleague to get a couple of ringers in. However the gods were obviously on the side of Hit the Bar, as before he got the chance, Beaver Girl rang to say that rather than face the fearsome Hit the Bar team, Expotel had made their own extensive travel arrangements and quit the league, and Hit the Bar had a night off and a well deserved 10-0 walkover victory. As previously arranged, due to the clean sheet, Squirrel gets credited with the 10 goals, which are much needed to repair the goal difference problem encountered the week before.

Nez 27, Squirrel 20, Dancing 13, G Man 12, Ricky Organ 9, Turkish 6, Owen 2, Pete 2, OG 2, Ashcroft 2, Curtains 1.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	10	10	0	0	143	50	93	0	30
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	10	7	3	0	119	46	73	0	21
MILLENIUM	10	6	4	0	72	68	4	0	18
HIT THE BAR	10	5	5	0	96	102	-6	0	15
ED DYNAMOS	10	5	5	0	75	85	-10	0	15
VASKO DE GATLEY	10	4	5	1	79	93	-14	0	13
K F SOLDIERS	10	1	8	1	52	104	-52	0	4
EXPOTEL	10	1	9	0	44	132	-88	0	3

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

First time on the track since last August due to lameness. Needs to get away in front of trap 2 and avoid crowding to be involved.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

In the first ever world cup final, held in Uruguay in 1930, the two finalists, Argentina and Uruguay, couldn’t agree on what type of ball should be used for the final. After a delay of an hour a compromise was met, whereas they would use the Argentine ball in the first half, and the Uruguayan ball in the second half. At half time Argentina led 2-0, but Uruguay came back to score 4 with their own ball in the second half and win the world cup.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy won, luckily there is only a couple of months before it starts again and we can have a different winner.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Ricky Organ, G Man and Morning.

Leeds United
Founded						1919
Turned Professional						1920
Admitted to the League						1920
Previous Names						Leeds City (See Founding)
Nickname (s)						The Whites
Ground						Elland Road
Capacity						40,296
Previous Grounds						None
Seasons in Each Division
1						50
2						27
3						0
4						0
Trophies
Division 1						1968-69, 1973-74, 1991-92
Division 2						1923-24, 1963-64, 1989-90
FA Cup						1972
League Cup						1968
Charity Shield						1969, 1992 and shared in 1974
UEFA Cup						1968, 1971
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by a Leeds Solicitor following the winding up of Leeds City in November 1919 by the Football League for illegal payment to players. They almost merged straight away with a struggling Huddersfield Town side, but went on in their own right to get elected to the league in 1920.
Synopsis - Major Events						They drifted between the top two divisions until the early 1960’s when Don Revie took over as manager. The next ten years saw them win the league twice, reach the FA Cup final 4 times, and make it to the European cup final where they were robbed by some dreadful refereeing decisions. Suffered a decline after Revie left to manage England, and spent a while in Division 2 before getting promoted in 1990 and winning the last League title before the advent of the premier league.
Synopsis - Recent times						Struggled initially in the premier league, but in the late nineties they put a squad together that reached European semi finals and the top 4 in the premiership. However to do this they over extended themselves and found themselves in serious financial difficulties which led to them being relegated this year.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Their first league game was against Port Vale, the team that had taken over the remaining fixtures of Leeds City when they were expelled from the league the previous year. They are the only League Champions that have failed to win a single away game the season after they were champions. Two of their managers in the 1970’s (Brian Clough and Jock Stein) lasted at the club for exactly the same length of time – 44 days.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	113		53		49			332		200		68		63		84		269		294		659
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
17^th		5^th		5^th			13^th		11^th		5^th		4^th		3^rd		4^th		5^th		15^th