Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Security officers at Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport in Montreal, Que., Canada, planted explosives in luggage for a weekly training session for bomb-sniffing dogs -- but lost track of it. The problem: they mistakenly planted it in a real passenger's bag, rather than a special suitcase set aside for the purpose. The traveller discovered the package, labelled "TNT", in his bag when he arrived home. - Would anyone have believed him if he’d been picked up by security?

A construction worker in Lancaster, Calif., is expected to make a full recovery after accidentally being shot in the head with a nail gun -- six times. Three of the nails penetrated his brain; one entered his spinal column, but luckily not his spinal cord. Witnesses say Isidro Mejia, 39, fell from the roof of the house he was building onto another worker who was using the gun below. "The guy holding the nail gun was grabbing to keep from falling, and just gripped tighter on the trigger," said a Los Angeles County sheriff's investigator. "It's a nail gun they use for framing. It can drive nails through 2-by-4s." - Six times – In one sitting.

The Bulgarian Foundation on Cosmic Intelligence Research has proposed a new currency that would be more acceptable to extraterrestrial beings that might happen to travel to Earth than, say, dollar bills or gold. "We are offering the galactos as a means of payment between planets," said Foundation chairman Kiril Kanev, unveiling the new coin at a UFO conference in Sofia. "It will represent the Earth in financial relations in the Cosmos." But governments won't need to stock up because "extraterrestrials [only] come into contact with insignificant, ordinary people." - If there is anyone more insignificant than politicians then we’re yet to meet them.

Mr. Jian Feng, of Hegang in northern China, suspicious when his wife gave birth to a baby he regarded as seriously ugly, got her to admit that, though she was not adulterous, she had herself been seriously ugly before she met Jian, but had had major plastic surgery in South Korea and now did not much resemble her genetic look. Jian divorced her and in May sued her for fraud. - And hence the young boy Rooney was put up for adoption in Liverpool.

“Smaller employers are acting as trailblazers in the labour market”, Said Andrew Smith, speaking at the Age Agenda Conference, an Age Concern event in February. The Secretary of State for work continued, “Research shows that workers over state pension age are more likely to be working for smaller firms.” He went on to outline some of the ways the Government is promoting the employment of older workers, including outlawing age discrimination and challenging stereotypes through the Age Positive campaign. - And not just to allow pensions payments to be deferred.

Does this mean that 20 years down the line we can expect him to star in a Football movie set around the Falklands war with Jason Statham, and another 20 years on, he’ll be doing Viagra adverts?

ANNOUNCEMENTS

It’s tonight people. It’s the Surerandomality night out. See the section below for full details.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Karen, so thanks to those that grassed her up when I wasn’t in.

SURERANDOMALITY NIGHT OUT - 25TH JUNE

Yes people, the next Surerandomality event is nearly upon us, in fact it’s tonight. Granted it’s not likely to get as messy as the Didsbury Dozen, but it does have possibilities.

As the only Surerandomality event of the summer, it is advised to book early to avoid disappointment. Any time up til 6pm on the evening in question should be acceptable.

Nights out need some kind of rough structure to them, and trust me, the structure to this is as rough as you are ever likely to find.

Start - 6pm - Sinclair’s Oyster Bar - Exchange Square. A chance for the loonies to get an early start on the cheapest pints in town.

8pm - Fab Café - Portland Street. A somewhat unusual choice, but mid way across town for everyone, and a varied play list of music. Also has a relaxed dress code at that time, and no entrance fee.

10pm (ish) - Font - New Wakefield Street. Again another free entry venue, and another step to the final destination.

11.30 (ish-ish) - Northern Funk at Subspace - New Wakefield Street. A few doors down for some sweet soul music and open til half two.

Those wanting crash pads, please speak to the appropriate agents. Dress code - jeans and trainers, but really anything you want, just don’t forget your sunglasses, and remember to smile when the camera is pointed at you.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

It’s all kicked off big style, well the European championships have, and this means that I’m having to work like a busy little bastard to do everything so that I can watch all the games. This issue is done and dusted before the kick off of the Portugal Vs England clash, so there won’t be any references to the match or any alcohol induced escapades after it. Not only that but the final preparations have been put together for tonight’s Surerandomality night out, plus training for the new girl here at surerandomality towers, in fact it’s a miracle there’s any issue at all.

THE DIARY

Friday 11th June – Straight from work is never a good idea, and G Man, taking full advantage of Amanda being in Essex for the weekend was in the Bowling alley at lunchtime. That was it for the day, and the usual haunts in Didsbury followed (i.e. Ye Olde Cock, etc.) before it was the back to someone’s house for drinking scene, but more about that later. Another straight from worker was Squirrel, who met H (not the one from steps) amongst others in The Garrett. How it got to be ten o’clock so quickly is anyone’s guess, but H (not the one from steps) wandered off home, and Squirrel headed for Fallowfield and XS via a subway food stop. Once there, the usual suspects were found in their normal corner, and the usual large number of Stella’s and dancing followed. On leaving a normal straightforward bus journey followed, and he arrived back at Chez Woodheys, to find it full of G Man’s work mates. More drinking and bizarre games followed, before they all headed off, leaving Squirrel and G Man to attempt (and fail miserably again) to watch Tank Girl

Saturday 12th June – Needless to say there wasn’t much motion at Chez Woodheys, and lounging in front of the TV all day followed by the start of Euro 2004 meant that it was a quiet day.

Sunday 13th June – England’s opening match should have seen everyone out, but still no one ventured out of Chez Woodheys. However at the Four in hand, it was a different story. Dancing, Turkish, Hopalong, The Chemist and Ricky Organ were all out in force to watch the football and needless to say it got messy. After the game Hopalong insisted he wanted a kebab and refused to go back to Chez Kingsway with Ricky Organ and The Chemist, and walked to the kebab shop in Didsbury, Whilst there he got a phone call from Kelly, and so a change of plans was called for. He gave his paid for and wrapped kebab to the next bloke in the queue and headed to the Dog & Partridge, to engage in a few arguments before staggering off home.

Monday 14th June – Early finishes to watch football started, and general laziness abounded.

Wednesday 16th June – Five a Side interrupted the general laziness, though in hindsight it would have probably been a better idea if they hadn’t had bothered.

Thursday 17th June – After the rigours of a university year, Amanda started a summer job as a box bitch, somewhere in Salford Quays, and to make things worse, she had to get up early and get the same bus as Squirrel. England game number tow saw traffic chaos. Chez Woodheys had a home viewing again, meanwhile Hopalong had headed over to Harrogate to watch the match and generally go on a bit of a sesh. Seeks met H (not the one from steps) in the Overdraught for the game. Kate meanwhile was in XS watching the game for some unknown reason, and at full time it all kicked off big style, and this time I’m not talking about the football, by all accounts it was very exciting.

Friday 18th June – Straight from work Squirrel was called to Piccadilly by the returning Hopalong, and definitely without his drinking head on, ended up in Yates to watch the football. The Stella’s flowed nicely and before they knew it, it was ten o’clock and double figures were up. Elsewhere G Man was out in Fallowfield with Amanda attending a private party upstairs at Revolution for Jo’s birthday, which saw them stay there til closing time, get a kebab and head home. However back at Yates’ Squirrel had gone missing, he had been seen sat outside by the bouncers, but was now gone. Hopalong got through to him to find he was on a bus somewhere. Having left Squirrel with instructions to meet in XS, Hopalong got food from Maccy D’s and nipped into the casino (Viva Las Vegas), where a five minute spell saw him £120 up, and in a taxi to XS. Once there he found that Squirrel wasn’t and so rang him again, to find that he didn’t know where he was, but he was told to get into a taxi and head to XS. Squirrel meanwhile wasn’t with the program, he’d obviously got on the wrong bus, and found himself wandering around Chorlton. An hour later and his next consciousness, and he was in Stockport Bus Station, after another wrong bus, and a torturous walk home followed. Back in XS Hopalong was spending like it was going out of fashion before getting home very pissed, but still with his bag in tow.

Saturday 19th June – G Man and Amanda headed to Harrogate for the weekend, whereas Hopalong and The Chemist scoured Manchester for a branch of William Hill, before heading to Ye Olde Cock to watch the racing, and some football.

Sunday 20th June – Hopalong was back in Ye Olde Cock the next day, and managed to Coax Squirrel out to join him in the evening, where a few Stella’s saw it come round to be closing time in record time, and the prospect of walking home before another working week.

Monday 21st June – Two journeys was all it took before Amanda had had enough of getting the same bus as Squirrel, and managed to wangle a lift to work instead, he must be slipping. England game number three. Chez Woodheys still doing “home games”, Hopalong in Ye Olde Cock, and Kate in the Friendship, lusting over Frank Lampard.

Thursday 24th June – What is going on? It’s another England game, various people, various locations, including Ye Olde Cock and Exchange Square. No details, as I’ve finished writing this before I watch the game

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Ricky Organ – I think I need to go out with an older woman, cos I’m so mature

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Sunday 27th June – Rest and recuperation will probably be needed, so at least people can watch the last of the euro 2004 quarter finals

Monday 28th – Tuesday 29th June – Two quiet days. No football of any kind, though 5 a side may be moved forward to Tuesday to avoid the potential clash with an England semi final

Wednesday 30th June – Hit the Bar Vs. Ed Dynamos 8.00 PM (P3). Though see above, this is likely to be moved to allow for Euro 2004 semi final

Saturday 3rd July – It’s so much easier to predict what will happen after it has already happened

Sunday 4th July – Tuesday 6th July – Euro 2004 final on the Sunday, a couple of easy going days afterwards

Wednesday 7th July – Hit the Bar Vs K F Soldiers 8.00 PM (P1) A nice run of 8pm kick offs to finish the season finishes with this, the last game of the season.

Thursday 8th July – It’s busy little bastard time at work, so a late night finishing the next issue of this is predicted.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

Yes you pea brained, zombified morons, I know that the letters haven’t been up to much recently, but then again, neither have your contributions. There’s enough moaning in here as there is without adding more of your misery. If you want better letters then write in with better letters, it’s a really quite simple process.

First up is a Peter Hickey, from Tralee, County Kerry, Ireland), who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. To be sure, we wouldn’t have this kind of thing over here." Too true, it’s far too long a letter for you to understand.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Luis Figo, from Lisbon, Portugal, who as he’s not doing anything else has found the time to write in and say, “Recebeu uma escova de dentes? Vamos à Londres. Ouve isso, Doug? Venho à Londres! Mostra-me como controlar um cigano selvagem de fucking e eu o mostrarei como controlar um criminoso desvairado de porco-alimentação! Demais apertado? Pode aterrissar um jato gigante de fucking em isso! Estes são seuas últimas palavras, então os fazem uma oração. Estava num ângulo engraçado. Era dois minutos cinco minutos há. Os assentos e um volante.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile a desperate Travis Bickle from New York, writes in with the following. “I'm in love with a girl who when we first met, said she was older than she is, turns out she has only just turned 16 and I am 11 years older than her. I’ve been talking to her for 3 years and I'm desperately in love with her. I would marry this girl tomorrow if she would/could I can’t tell anyone, and it’s like really depressing me that I cant have her. I cry nearly every night I don’t see her.” And to think she cries nearly every night you do. It’s a cruel world.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He was surprised that she’d picked up a gun, let alone stashed it and then handed it to him, she had seemed quite squeamish at his mention of guns earlier, and she was on of the last people he'd have expected to have picked one up. Saying that though, he was glad of the extra gun, though he needed to check it wasn't metal before getting off the plane, and he wasn't entirely sure about the size of the arsenal he was now carrying around with him.

Regaining his composure he started, "I've been thinking about what to do when we get off the plane. I've definitely decided not to go for the all out attack method, and to see what's going on first. In fact the longer I leave it, within reason, the bigger surprise it will be, and the more likely any chance of success will be." He paused and then asked Andrea, "Do you think that you'll be able to stay calm until we see what unfolds, and are you sure that you want to get involved?"

Andrea sat there for a second and calmly replied, "Yes I can do it, and yes, of course I want to help. Just let me know when it's time and I'll back you all the way."

He smiled, glad at the calm and confident reply he had received, and glad that there was going to be someone else there to help him. "Thanks," he said, "I'll seek you out when the time comes, but I suppose for now it's a case of see you later, as I guess we should all be seated for the landing, it can't be too much longer now."

Before he could stand, Andrea said "OK", and leant over and kissed him. He felt himself melt, as it felt good and there was that smell. He looked at her and smiled stupidly, overcome by the moment.

"No," he said, "I've wanted to kiss you since I first saw you, though I'm not sure that it's for the right reasons."

"I don't know, it's just really strange, it would take some time to get my head around it."

"That's fine, it's not as if either of us is exactly going anywhere in the near future, is it? Just think about it."

"OK" came the somewhat dazed response as he got up and half walked, half floated back to his seat. Things just kept on getting weirder.

It was promised that the opening ceremony would be short, and thankfully it was. We were also expecting the hosts to turn up, but for the first hour, it seemed they weren't going to bother, and by the time they did Greece were 2-0 up and the first shock of the tournament was on. Chelsea would surely be thinking their new right back was a snip at £13.9 million. One of the top players in the world was supposed to be playing, but after the first game of the tournament, there had been no sight or sound from Luis Figo.

Spain v Russia followed, and from the first minute the Spanish wingers caused havoc, but the strike force, including another of the world's top players a R. Gonzalez, wasted chance after chance before finally scoring, but they looked impressive and those missed chances won't matter in the final outcome as they are so good. In fact their keeper Casillas even found time to play a game within a game, where if he catches the ball he's off, and he has to let the ball randomly strike as many different parts of his body as possible. It must be a nightmare trying to attack against that as there's just no telling where the ball is going to end up.

Group B started with Croatia v Switzerland, someone woke me up halfway through and I saw the Swiss keeper stopping the ball with his head as he lay in his goal, but I didn't miss anything as this finished 0-0. It does need pointing out that both sides were lucky to get nil as well.

The Big one followed. England v France, edgy play all round and then Lampard heads in and England have the lead, cue chaos and riotous celebrations. Solid defence & then the new Pele is through, Silvestre brings him down and it's a penalty, but what's this, the Kraut ref has bottled it and not sent him off. Up steps Becks and. . . . . the bald clown has saved it. That's it 90 minutes is up, and we've won. Oops we're not playing Rugby League and injury time is on and the rest is history as ZZ scores from two set pieces with help from Heskey and Gerrard. Stunned silence, depression, and then actual rioting starts.

Still in a daze after the events of the previous evening, I manage to miss the first hour of the Italy v Denmark game, and yet, at the same time don't miss much, which is more than can be said for a certain Christian Vieri. Another 0-0, but the Danes were unlucky not to wrap it up late on.

Sweden v Bulgaria, this will be a thriller - NOT. Hold on, what's this? It's a turnip for the books as the Swedes put 5 in the old onion bag. Old Uncle Bulgaria was more use on Wimbledon Common.

Group D started with everyone's favourites for the tournament, the Czech Republic against the rank outsiders Latvia. And after a first half of constant Czech pressure, it was the Latvians who take a shock lead in first half injury time from some bloke with a long name. The second half saw more concerted pressure from the Czechs, and eventually an equalizer came. Then with 5 minutes left up stepped the Czech number 57, Marek Heinz to grab the winner, and the biggest upset of the tournament was thwarted. The most one sided 2-1 game in history.

Holland must have seen too many of Germany's warm up games for their own good and thought they could win without kicking a ball. 75 minutes later and a goal down they realised it wouldn't be that easy after all, and started playing, and grabbed a late equalizer in a dire 1-1 draw.

Spain started against the Geeks in the same manner they'd finished against the Russian, by creating chance after chance and then missing them. They did manage to take a first half lead, but the main man R. Gonzalez was single handedly trying to wrap up the miss of the tournament competition early doors. It wouldn't matter though, as the Geeks weren't in this and the missed chances wouldn't come back to haunt the Spanish. Hols on, Casillas, trying to go for that most difficult of body parts, the inside of the upper arm, has had a disaster and it's spun off him into the back of the net, and the Geeks are level. The most one sided 1-1 draw in history, but the Spanish will be safely through.

Portugal needed to beat Russia to have any chance of the next round, and even then it'd be a fat chance, But persevere. Chelsea's new right back, sat this one out to keep himself fresh for the new season ahead, and there was still no sign of that bloke Figo, but the Portuguese managed to wrap up a 2-0 win.

England v Switzerland lead to shit traffic, meaning I missed the first (and by all accounts boring) 15 minutes of this game and a couple of Swiss chances, but then England woke up, and a couple of goals from the teenage samehead, the second of which with the aid of the Swiss keeper's head in exactly the same part of the goal he'd used it in the previous match, and another from his scouse mate in midfield saw a 3-0 win and mass celebration. Just one thing, as a cautionary tale - The Swiss are shit.

France came out for the start of the game against Croatia and took the piss and after getting a own goal from the defender Tudor (or was it Plantagenet?) proceeded to treat the rest of the half like a training session. Hence me dozing off again, it must be something to do with the Croatians. But, What's this? With France still training, I'm woken by the Croatians scoring twice. Then a lucky French equalizer followed, but Molnar managed to snatch the miss of the tournament back from R. Gonzalez in the last minute and it finished 2-2.

In the pub for today's games, and only a partial concentration on what's actually happening. The Danes were steady, and with Old Uncle Bulgaria still struggling on Wimbledon Common, it petered out into a 2-0 win for the Danes.

Italy then came out and played some of the best football of the tournament, and were 1 up, but Christian (Cabbage) Vieri was still having difficulties, and then some pea brained substitutions from the Italians dangled the carrot in front of the Swedes and an equalizer followed. Though overall on this showing the Italians should easily beat the Womble and qualify for the quarters.

Germany are shit, they never looked like scoring against Latvia, and if Mike Riley (more like Mike Reed) hadn't have thought it was an Old Trafford home game for them, then Latvia should have had two penalties, but such is life and in the end it was another 0-0.

Tournament favourites the Czechs found themselves doing things the hard way and were behind again in three minutes, and then by two goals thanks to a dodgy offside goal by Van Horsetlerooy. However their class began to tell, and they pulled one back before the break. Then in a game littered with chances they drew level mid way through the second half, after another display of bizarre substitutions, this time by the Dutch. Then as expected the Czechs got the winner in the last five minutes, as the epidemic of Casillas' non catching game spread. The game of the tournament without a Hank Marvin or Bruce Welch of a doubt, and probably of any tournament.

D Day for Group A (hey, that rhymes) saw the hosts play host to their neighbours and bitter rivals the Spanish. R. Gonzalez, obviously not happy after the Croatia game managed to regain his miss of the tournament. The Portuguese grabbed a second half goal that would put them through, and after a miss happy last 5 minutes it finished 1-0 to the hosts, and they were through. The Spanish had to await the outcome of the other game in the group, in which the Russians found themselves 2-0 up in 20 minutes against the Geeks, but the Geeks managed to pull one back before half time. Then a minute from time the Russians attacked down the right and the cross came over, and an outstretched leg made contact with the ball and . . . . it drifted wide. It finished 2-1 and the Geeks were through to the quarter finals on Goals scored. Who'd have thought it? All those missed Spanish chances actually did matter in the end, Does anyone know whether Gonzalez is the Spanish for Heskey? Not only that, but the Figo bloke finally turned up for a post match interview, the first sighting. Fuck me, have you seen the size of his nose? No wonder half the pitch is always in shade when Portugal play.

Group B saw England taking on Croatia knowing that a draw would put them through (and a Sketch would put them in the Tate), but we'd hardly drawn breath and Croatia were leading. Nervy minutes followed before the end of the Scholes Goal drought levelled things and then Shrek put England ahead in first half injury time. It was still nervy as Croatia created chances before Shrek got his second of the game. Comfort, but then Tudor (or was it Stuart?) pulled one back, only for F. Lampard Jr. to wrap things up and book a quarter final against the hosts. Meanwhile ZZ scored for France, but they were pulled back with a goal from the 18 year old Swiss wonder boy. The French failed to get into a high gear, but two late goals from the already booked for diving, Henry saw them through 3-1 and into a quarter final tie with the Geeks.

Italy would beat Old Uncle Bulgaria easily, they just feared a Scandinavian stitch up in the group's other match. However the man from Wimbledon Common hadn't read the script, and in rainy conditions it was the Wombles that took the lead. The Italians were out if things stayed the same. Things were made worse as the Danes had taken the lead against the Swedes with a sweet(corn) shot from Tomasson. Two minutes into the second half and Italy were level, they only needed another goal to qualify, but then Disaster, Sweden equalized and the Italians now needed 2 to go through (hey, that rhymes again). They huffed and puffed and actually brought on an attacking line up, but to no avail, however back in Porto. The Danes had taken the lead again, and the Italians only needed 1. The board came up showing 5 minutes of injury time, and within two the Italians had scored (no thanks to Cabbage Vieri), they were through and the celebrations were starting. But what's this filtering through. It's a minute before the end, and a cross, and Sorensen has Lego of it, and the Swedes have scored, as Sorensen goes Beetroot, and the game is over. The Italians' chance had Bean and gone, and they were out. Oh how we laughed.

In coverage interrupted by actually playing football, it was the final games of the group stages with the Germans up against tournament favourites, the Czech's B side. When we got back to the action it was 1-1, with Bollocks scoring for the krauts, and the Czech number 57 getting the equalizer. The Germans were trying to do something they hadn't done since the early 40's and all out attack, only to find it was like the mid 40's and that they were being repelled. Then in characteristic style, the Czechs completed a come from behind victory 10 minutes from time. However if there was a freak occurrence in the other group D match then the Germans might still go through. However the Dutch were in no mood to let that happen and with a double from Van Nistelhorse they romped home to a 3-0 win, meaning it was time for the Germans to Czech out, and that there would be a very colourful Orange v Yellow (and fruit v veg) encounter with the Swedes.

Bottesford stands as the most northerly village in Leicestershire on the eastern prong in the Vale of Belvoir. It dates from Saxon times, and there would have been a Saxon church on the location, before the current building was started in 1190.

The church itself is one of the largest village churches in the country, and the massive spire belies its height by the fact that it is probably the only one in the country that is in perfect proportion to the tower and church.

The current structure was started in 1190, with the chancel, tower, nave and aisle arches dating from this time. The tower itself stands 87 feet high, and is 27 feet square with six feet thick walls. The huge nave was rebuilt during the 14^th century, and in 1350 the north and south aisles were added.

During the 15^th century the magnificent 123 feet high spire was added (on top of the tall tower), and the west clock was put in the tower. The vestry door dates from this time, and the north and south transepts were added. The clerestory was also added, and the font dates from this century. The south transept house the Mareschall family chantry chapel.

The chancel was transformed into the Manners’ family mausoleum, and such was the rich patronage of the church that it is full almost the bursting with memorials and monuments, to the point where during the 18^th century, there was no more room for new additions.

The pulpit is Jacobean style from the 17^th century, and the roof was repaired in 1740, but the church remained free from the Victorian restoration craze, probably due to the fact that it would have been hard for them to have made any improvements

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1775 – George Washington appointed Commander in chief of American Army

This issue’s verses from the good news bible is from The Acts of the Apostles, 16:35

Paul and Barnabas spent some time in Antioch, and together with many others they taught and preached the word of the Lord.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Situated within a certain sucken, or jurisdiction having it’s own mill: Scottish Law

Insucken Multure – the duty payable at a mill by those tenants whose lands are bound to it.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, the highest number that is the same no matter which way up it is in Roman Numerals is 30 (XXX). The winner of the Roman Abacus is a Xavier Xavi, from Xingu (Brazil I think). Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, if a train is going from Stoke on Trent to Milton Keynes, leaving at 11.01 and averaging a speed of 45 miles an hour, and another train is going from London Euston to Stockport, leaving at 10.20 and averaging a speed of 80 miles an hour, which train will be nearer to Leicester when they cross? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 7^th July wins a Train set.

JOKES

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly as he went about doing the examinations. One morning, the young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No Doc, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner'."

As Judi left the room, Jon asked Amanpreet, "She's spoiled, isn't she?" Preet said, 'Naw. That's just the perfume she uses."

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His mate says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my slippers from up stairs for me?" The bloke goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true!" He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late? "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be out of order because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said £165,000. Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?” The old lady said: “For example, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square”. The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?” “Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”. The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”. “No problem” said the president. That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet. On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president. The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them. The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?” She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of England in my hands!”

One day a travelling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Okay a Celery, Carrot and a Dick are talking about how much there life sucks... The Celery says, "Guys, my life sucks, they cut me up and eat me..." The Carrot replays, "Nah, my life sucks, They chop me up, boil me and than eat me..." Than the dick replays... "Damn you guys have it easy, listen here my life sucks, they put a bag over my head stick me in a dark cave and make me do push ups til' I puke"

The company was going through hard times. All but the oldest employees had been laid off. John, the supervisor, was called into the boss' office. "John, I have some bad news," the boss said," We need to lay off six more people. Two of them need to come from your department." "I'm sorry to hear that. That will be a tough decision to make. After all, we only have our most senior people left," replied John. " Here's what I'd do. The two newest people in your department are Jack and Susan. I'd go ahead and get the first who arrives and be done with it," offered the boss. " That's a good idea. I think that's what I'll do," said John. The next morning, Susan was the first to arrive. John approached Susan and said," Susan, I have some bad news. I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off." Susan responded," Why don't you go ahead and jack off. I've got a headache."

A man and a woman have lived together for many years now, and even though they are still together, the man knows that the woman cheats on him while he is away. He has a business trip in a couple of days and doesn't want here to end up with another man while he's away. So, he goes to a sex shop and looks around. But thinks nothing will tempt her. As he's about to leave, an old fella behind the counter says "hey, what you looking for?" So he explains his situation and the fella says, "I’ve got just the thing" He pulls out a box from under the counter and opens it on the desk. "But that just looks like any other dildo in this shop" he says. "Ah, yes, but watch. this is a voodoo dick" The man looks puzzled, but he watches. "voodoo dick.." the old fella says, "..the door". Suddenly, the voodoo dick rises up, and start screwing away at the door. Just before the door is about to crack open with a big hole, the old fella says "voodoo dick, back in your box." And sure enough, it goes back into its box. "I'll take it!" Replies the man. When he gets home, he explains to his wife that if she gets lonely, to use the voodoo dick. "all you have to do, is say, VOODOO DICK, MY PUSSY." She nodded and the man was satisfied. A couple of days passes by and the man has left for his trip. The woman becomes irritated and needs some pleasure. She thinks of the fella next door, but then remembered the voodoo dick. She opened the box and said “voodoo dick, my pussy!" And it went to work. After several orgasms, the woman was satisfied and decided to stop. But she couldn't pull it out. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She decided to go to hospital and get help there. She put on a nightgown and got in the car. On the way, she nearly swerved off the road after another orgasm, and she was pulled over by a policeman. "why were you driving dangerously like that? are you drunk?" he asks. "No", she replied "I’ve just got a voodoo dick stuck up my pussy" The policeman looked and said, "yeah, I’ve heard it all before, voodoo dick my ass!"

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you believe?" "I believe", says Rooney, "you're sitting in my seat."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around – Precious JWLCD23 – Written by Reg Presley

This Scottish quartet led by Marti Pellow had their third number one with this cover of a Troggs song for the soundtrack of Four Weddings and a Funeral. It got to number one in it’s third week on the charts and stayed there for a mind boggling 15 weeks before even they got sick of it and they deleted it. Even so it still managed to hang around to make its total time on the chart 37 weeks. Ranks third on the all time list of number ones that drive everyone nuts after Bryan Adams – Everything I do, and Whitney’s – I will always love you, both of which somewhat spookily also came from film soundtracks.

These four Philadelphian sisters (Kathy, Debree, Joni & Kim) hit number one with this in their 5^th week on the chart and spent 4 weeks at number one. Big on the disco scene of the late seventies, this was their only number one and their last new hit, with only re-releases hitting the charts for them after this ended it’s 16 week chart run. Permanently etched on my brain from a fortnight in Llandudno at the time.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Consisting of producers Jez Willis and Tim Garbutt, they started working together in the late 80’s and had produced a few white label dance 12”s, before hitting it big with the Eurythmic sampled What can you do for me in late 1991. Three more top ten singles followed from their first, eponymous album, which bizarrely didn’t get released until early 1993. One single in each of the next two years followed, and then there was nothing, until the non charting album Two in 2000, which spawned two singles. They continue to work together but tend to produce for other people.

Recommended Album :- Utah Saints (where do they think these album names up from?)

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Very little, except guitar playing and a didgeridoo! Though Duran Duran got an outing, as have a couple of the Upfront albums from the late 80’s.

EUROPEAN FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes people, it’s Euro 2004 Fantasy Football. In a busy group stage, Last Minute XI (so called cos the team was only picked in time for the national anthems of the first game) has led from the outset. However the knockout stages are here and double points and bonus points galore are with us, so it’s still wide open. The only certainty is that the 100% Unofficial Team, isn’t going to win, in fact it would be a major shock if it got out of the bottom 3. Anyway here’s the first table in Surerandomality (there have been lots sent out previously), and there’s only going to be one more as it’ll all be over by the time we meet again.

	The Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Last Minute XI	138
2nd	One Flew Over the Cocu's Nest	119
3rd	Euro Chumps	115
4th	Van Van Voom!	110
5th	Westside Glory	102
6th	Phil	95
7th	Euro Trash	91
8th	Seek'em and Destroy	87
9th	The V Force	85
10th	Shhoooooottt!!! The Europeans	83
11th	I'll Win At Scrabble	81
12th	Czech Mates	69
13th	Before Ze Germans Get There	62
14th	Lamb Chops United	60
15th	Shatner's Bassoon	52
16th	Eurnohopers	49
17th	The 100% Unofficial Team	40
	Upto and Including 23rd June

WACKY RACES

In somewhat of a disaster, there has been some strange occurrences going on. Both Williams and Toyota getting disqualified from the Canadian GP, and Williams dropping the ball again in the US and getting one of their drivers black flagged. This has caused some major gaps to open up in the table and the drop of former leader and the only 3 time race winner The Creepy Coupe dropping to 6^th. It’s the halfway stage and so nearly time for the pitstops. After the French Grand Prix it’ll be time to dump 3 of your drivers / teams and get better ones, and Christ do some people need it.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	6691	64
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	6540	56
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	6540	46
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	6520	44
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	6362	47
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	6243	56
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	5958	29
	After US Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 849 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Early rumours that HTB would have a full squad to pick from were dashed when it emerged that top striker Nez had a sister to entertain (a sibling, not a nun) and Owen was back in Southport. With HTB facing the unwelcoming prospect of having only 5 players, Turkish's mate Singo was drafted in for his debut. Vasko de Gatley were the opponents, a team who were perhaps fortunate to come away with a win the last time these teams met. The game got underway badly for HTB and continued on a downward slope all the way to half time, with the score standing at 8-2 to Gatley. The second half was hardly an improvement, although HTB did try and do a bit more running around and even some marking. A scuffle then broke out between G-Man and one of Gatley, with the result being G-Man sin-binned for 2 minutes and the Gatley scrote sent off for dissent. With Turkish's disappearance from the subs bench (possibly on the phone to arrange some heavy duty locks to be fitted to his front door in his absence), this left an already knackered Dancing, C0ck Boy and Singo in an outfield 3-on-3 situation. The reintroduction of G-Man yielded a numerical advantage for HTB but against all the odds they somehow managed to play even worse. They eventually sloped off the pitch with a 15-7 defeat.

Squirrel - As static as a Butlins caravan, he looked way off the pace tonight. To call some of his reactions sluggish is probably unfair to that particular species of mollusc. Made a few good stops later on but by then it was too late. Should know better than to expect a defence to turn up - 4

C0ck Boy - A pretty non-descript performance but did top-score with three goals and set a couple up too. As solid in the tackle as a baby giraffe with osteoporosis and with similar levels of co-ordination at times. However, as mysterious as some of The Sun's own awards, he somehow takes away SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 5

G-Man - Was engaged in a good bit of handbaggery in the second half, which at least showed some kind of passion but also earned him SURERANDOMALITY SLAP-AND-TICKLER. Other than that, this was a poor game that is best forgotten, with just one goal to show for his efforts - 4

Turkish - Played well-ish but often became isolated up front and was guilty of not tracking back on occasion. A sprained ankle turned out to be the reason for his early disappearance, although he probably suffered less pain than those who had the misfortune to play in, and witness, the whole match - 4

Dancing - A mixed game with the bad largely outweighing the good. Rare bits of skill sometimes afforded an opening but these were more often than not squandered. Did contribute with two poached goals but should have scored more - 5

Singo - A mediocre performance interspersed with a few good moves. Made some good runs to create shooting chances but only netted one of them, and then soon ran out of steam - 4

Nez 30, Squirrel 20, G Man 17, Dancing 15, Ricky Organ 13, Turkish 6, Owen 2, Wes 2, Pete 2, OG 2, Ashcroft 2, Curtains 1, Singo 1.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	12	12	0	0	163	62	101	0	36
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	12	9	3	0	140	56	59	0	27
MILLENIUM	12	8	4	0	98	75	23	0	24
VASKO DE GATLEY	12	5	6	1	98	115	-17	0	16
HIT THE BAR	12	5	7	0	113	128	-15	0	15
ED DYNAMOS	12	5	7	0	82	102	-20	0	15
STEVEN GOOD	12	2	10	0	55	145	-90	0	6
K F SOLDIERS	12	1	10	1	63	129	-66	0	4

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

First venture since last summer owing to injury. Pleasing 28.79 on the practise ground. All rounder may need time to acclimatise

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

In 1945, St. Louis Browns outfielder, Pete Gray made his major league baseball debut. What set Gray apart was that he only had one arm, having lost his right arm when he fell off a truck as a child.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

The season is over, and there is no reason for this section to be here, but when has that ever stopped me? The countdown is now on for the next season, which amazingly is only 8 weeks away.

RANDOM LIST

The 10 busiest International airports based on the number of passengers per year

Afghanistan, Andorra, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bhutan, Bolivia, Botswana, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Central African Republic, Chad, Czech Republic, Ethiopia, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Lesotho, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Malawi, Mali, Moldova, Mongolia, Nepal, Niger, Paraguay, Rwanda, San Marino, Slovakia, Swaziland, Switzerland, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uganda, Uzbekistan, Vatican City, Zambia and Zimbabwe are the world's 42 landlocked countries.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

NEW Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £5. However I am willing to listen to bids from those who would rather these stories never did see the light of day.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you? And trust me if you saw them, you wouldn’t

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Aston Villa
Founded						1874
Turned Professional						1885
Admitted to the League						1888
Previous Names						N/A
Nickname (s)						The Villains
Ground						Villa Park
Capacity						42,602
Previous Grounds						Wilson Road, Aston Park, Wellington Road
Seasons in Each Division
1						93
2						10
3						2
4						0
Trophies
Division 1						1893-94, 1895-96, 1896-97, 1898-99, 1899-1900, 1909-10, 1980-81
Division 2						1937-38, 1959-60
Division 3						1971-72
FA Cup						1887, 1895, 1897, 1905, 1913, 1920, 1957
League Cup						1961, 1975, 1977, 1994, 1996
Charity Shield						Shared in 1981
European Cup						1982
European Super Cup						1982
Intertoto Cup						2001
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by the cricketers of Villa Cross Wesleyan Chapel in Aston, Birmingham in 1874, they played their first game against Aston FC. It wasn’t however until 1876 that they got involved in organised fixtures, and became one of the biggest clubs in the country by the time the Football league was formed in 1888.
Synopsis - Major Events						Quite simply the biggest team of the 1890’s, they weren’t relegated from the top flight until the 1930’s and have spent nearly all their time in the top flight, with a brief drop to division 3 in the early seventies. Considered as a big club but haven’t really reached their potential in the last 50 years.
Synopsis - Recent times						Runners up in the inaugural season of the Premier league, they have been a consistent top 10 side, without ever really making that break to challenge for champions league football. A couple of league cups to show, but also a couple of relegation scares as well.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						One of only 3 sides to be Founder members of both the Football league and the Premier League. Became only to second team to win the Double. Were the first ever winners of the League cup. Hold the record for most goals scored in a season in the top flight.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	103		60		52			301		201		63		64		88		232		280		622
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
2^nd		10^th		18^th			4^th		5^th		7^th		6^th		6^th		8^th		8^th		16^th