Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Lisa Vanhostauyen, 38, spent three months planning her wedding to a man she met on the Internet. To help make her special day perfect, the Dandenong, Vic., Australia, woman stole her A$1450 (US$1000) wedding dress, a suit for an unnamed man, decorations, wine glasses, ashtrays, and even the stereo that played the music. She pleaded guilty to theft, handling stolen goods, possessing the proceeds of crime and assaulting the police officer who investigated her crimes. "A lot of people plan weddings in limited financial circumstances and do not resort to stealing," lectured Magistrate Kay Macpherson before handing down a two-month suspended jail term. - I wish I’d thought of that

Femesha Foster, 36, was embezzling money from her boss, an optometrist in Pembroke Pines, Fla. She suspected he was catching on, so she put rat poison in a soft drink to make him ill and distract him from pursuing an investigation. He took a drink, became ill, and went to the hospital. The whole thing was captured on the store's security camera; Foster was convicted of grand theft and attempted poisoning, and sentenced to 20 years in prison -- five for the theft and 15 for the attempted poisoning. But the state's 4th District Court of Appeal has thrown out the 15-year sentence, ruling there's no such crime as "attempted poisoning", only "poisoning", and since her trial didn't accuse her of that crime, the prison sentence is invalid. The court ruled, however, that since she was not tried on that charge, she can be now. - And you call me pedantic!

Twenty-six years ago, to escape child support payments, George Leucuta Jr. used a lost drivers license and social security card to assume a new identity, police say. He lived and worked under the name Douglas Lightcap in Valparaiso, Ind., until the real Lightcap discovered someone else was using his name. Leucuta, now 60, has been arrested and faces three years in prison on a charge of identity theft. Meanwhile, he missed out on seeing his children grow up, kept watch over his shoulder for 26 years, and all the Social Security taxes he paid are in Lightcap's account so he won't be entitled to any benefits. But that's not all: his ex-wife never turned him in for failing to pay child support, so he was never wanted by the law in the first place. - Unlucky!

UK managers are “running on empty” and this is creating a negative environment in which to work, according to a survey by the Chartered Management Institute and recruitment firm Adecco. Almost half have missed family or social commitments because they had too much work on, while 41% work over 14 hours a week more than they are contracted to. Not surprisingly, the majority of UK managers would welcome greater flexibility in the way they work, according to the survey. But less than 10% are optimistic that these forms of working will be introduced in the next three years. - If the managers were any fucking good they’d have delegated all their work, now wouldn’t they!

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Plans are already afoot for the next surerandomality night out, to take place at the end of October to celebrate its 2^nd birthday.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Bang on the Drum. Anything to keep me awake. Surprise, surprise, it’s Thursday night and here I am writing most of this. I’ve had two weeks during which I couldn’t be arsed and so it’s another last minute edition. Yes I know it’s been a bit slapdash, and things are slipping. The web site hasn’t been updated for three months and there’s no story part this week, but at least there’s an issue. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 25th June – A surerandomality night out and an early start. First out of the blocks were Kate, Kol and Squirrel, who did a bit of dinner time drinking in the Square Albert. Real drinking started with G Man and Chris out straight from work at Ye Olde Cock, before heading into town and Loaf. Squirrel left work and joined them via a stop in the Sawyer’s Arms. Elsewhere Kate was also out straight from work on a work do. It was plain to see that Chris was already flagging and probably wouldn’t last the night, so dragging him into Baa Bar and giving him two shooters wasn’t the most sensible idea. Clearly bombed by this he sat completely spaced out in the garden of Rain bar, where they were joined by Dancing and Dec, before they headed over the road to the Peveril of the Peaks to play pool. News was filtering through about the football so the next stop was Barracuda, where Chris moved into his element, with the patented, puke on the floor and shuffle about in it move. Along with coughing and spitting on the dance floor, this led to the other finishing their drinks sharpish and moving on. Meanwhile in O’Neill’s in Didsbury, The Chemist, Hopalong, Ricky Organ and Zac were having a few drinks. Ricky Organ and Zac moved on and met the others in the Paramount. Well when I say others, I don’t mean Chris. He’s been refused entry due to the puke on his shoes being pointed out to the doormen by the staff from Barracuda. In the Paramount they were also joined by Wes before heading off to Font. Once there they were joined by Nez, who’d been in a Greek bar watching the match and had some very excitable Greek friends with him. After a few in there it was time to head to Northern Funk. This also saw the arrival of Kate, with some work friends in tow, and somewhat belatedly Hopalong, who’d fail to persuade The Chemist to join them. Needless to say it’s starts to get messy at this point, and lots more drinking and dancing led to fun and games getting home. First to go was Nez, then Dancing and Dec headed off for a kebab stop in Fallowfield. Something Squirrel also managed next, managing to avoid getting motored and losing Kate before getting on the bus. Elsewhere Wes stumbled out into a taxi, and G Man got on a bus. Ricky Organ was trying to physically restrain Hopalong from going to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), but wasn’t succeeding so headed home with Zac. Squirrel stopped in Fallowfield for a kebab, however G Man also wanted food, but was at Parrs Wood, so he went to Tesco’s and got a frozen pizza and headed home. Upon arrival he attempted to grill the pizza, until Amanda got up and stopped any major fire risk. Squirrel eventually moved from the Kebab shop at about the same time Hopalong was leaving the Casino (Viva Las Vegas) £150 down. He wandered into spar for cigarettes and managed to pull. In SPAR of all places. Meanwhile Squirrel was taking a kip standing up in a bus stop, until waking at half six and getting a taxi the rest of the way home.

Saturday 26th June – Some people had early morning calls. G Man was tortured by being dragged shopping, and Hopalong’s pull was wide awake at 9 and very talkative. He got a lift into town with her from Ricky Organ, and after starbucks headed to Barracuda, and attempted to wake Squirrel. He wasn’t the only one, as Kate was also trying the same thing, before heading out with friends into the village. Eventually Squirrel woke and headed to meet Hopalong, where more drinking prevailed, and then about 8 they were joined by Kate. After various concoctions they headed to XS after the football finished and more mayhem followed. Hopalong tried to have some fun with the local Viking in the corner and gave a playful tug to his beard, which as a slight understatement, didn’t go down very well. Tequila slammers followed as did joining with a group of women celebrating someone’s 40^th. As time flew past Squirrel was on the dance floor going for the usual Saturday thing, Kate was suffering and trying to get home but had lost her cardie, so took the bouncer’s numbers!? Closing time saw Hopalong and Squirrel get on a bus and get to Parrs Wood at about 3. Two hours later Squirrel woke up in the same bus shelter as the night before, only this time sat down, and got a taxi home.

Sunday 27th June – No, not a hope, under no circumstances was anyone going to the pub. G Man and Amanda headed off on Holiday to Ibiza for a week, and there was more football watching.

Tuesday 29th June – Still the same, so Hopalong took the opportunity to get back with Kelly.

Wednesday 30th June – Two lots of contrasting football, both playing and watching.

Friday 2nd July – Turkish and his mate Martin were in the Dog & Partridge in Didsbury and were joined by Ricky Organ and Hopalong, and then eventually Squirrel. At closing time the debate was on, and the taxi set off with 5^th Ave in mind, but a stop in XS happened. Two minutes in and a fight had kicked off, and Ricky Organ, Turkish and Martin eventually headed to 5^th Ave. Squirrel and Hopalong stayed and were joined by Kelly and Jodie, and much mad dancing, saw Squirrel attracting the attentions of an ugly tree trampoliner which Hopalong had to steer him away from and towards the usual Saturday thing on a Friday. What should have been a simple taxi journey home led to a magical mystery tour, from a somewhat deliberately confused taxi driver. Meanwhile upon leaving 5^th Ave, Ricky Organ, Turkish and martin headed to Lal Qila for curry, before stumbling home just after 5.

Saturday 3rd July – Wot? Do you fancy a pub lunch? Silly question. Squirrel met Hopalong and The Chemist in Ye Olde Cock for pub lunch, but managed to avoid the usual session mentality and instead headed off shopping, and a torturous Decathlon, Trafford Centre, Decathlon route that took most of the afternoon. The highlight? Learning that Lal Qila had given Ricky Organ the runs. The evening saw Hopalong meet Squirrel in the Clocktower for Malcolm’s 60^th, where they met Becky for the first time in ages and free food. Hopalong escaped to go to the Gateway for a Robbie Williams night, as Squirrel politely refused and stayed til closing time before meeting back up with Hopalong in XS. Meanwhile Wes’ housemate’s party wasn’t going well for him and he headed for an early night. Back in XS, more drinking and dancing followed and they bumped into Jayne who was out with mates. Not only that but some blatant dope smoking as well. Hopalong left sharpish with Kelly at the end, leaving Squirrel to get food, a bus, and a desire to pull leaves off every bush and tree on his route home. Fucking weirdo.

Sunday 4th July – Squirrel woke to wonder why he had cut hands and very green cuffs on his shirt. Elsewhere there wasn’t much motion until the evening, when Hopalong headed to the Griffin to watch the Euro 2004 final. (Oh, and meet Kelly)

Monday 5th July – G Man and Amanda arrived back at 6am, and therefore weren’t at work, and were off out to see Shrek 2 in the evening.

Wednesday 7th July – Except for football, for which G Man bravely faced the wrath of Box Bitch by playing on the anniversary of their first date. Oh and Squirrel and Kate having a swift pub lunch at the Square Albert

Thursday 8^th July – And Again. Dunno what the fuck is going on elsewhere, but I’m stuck here writing this stinking piece of crap.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 9th July – It’s a weekend – go figure. Will it get messy? Why not? Why should it be any different from any other weekend?

Saturday 10^th July – It’s been mooted that Zac is over, and that some of the usual suspects will be out and about in Didsbury.

Thursday 15th July – It’s Ricky Organ’s birthday, does this mean people are out tonight?

Sunday 18th July – Tuesday 20th July – It can’t only be this date in the month, there’s still another weekend before payday

Thursday 22nd July – Well, if we look at recent history, it would suggest that I’ll be stuck here writing this crap.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Chump of the Fortnight – Urs Meyer (or however you spell it) Yes that was too late for the last edition.

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

I’m going on strike, not only are my two staff fucking useless (but they are great to look at), but they’re worse than useless. An arthritic snail could open and deal with post quicker than this pair. Not only that but when it’s open what do I find? Crap, utter crap, mindless, mind numbing crap. At least I solved the toilet paper shortage. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Peter Noble, from Burnley, Lancashire who moans, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. Are you going for the record for the amount of time Complaining is used in the same section." No, but you are.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes Elise Sagnon, from Rhiems, France, with the following witty ditty, ”Vous avez obtenu une brosse à dents? Nous allons à Londres. Entendez-vous cela, Doug? Je viens à Londres! Vous me montrez comment contrôler un gitan sauvage de fucking et je vous montrerai comment contrôler un destabilisé, le gangster de cochon-alimentation! Trop tendu? Vous pourriez atterrir un jet géant de fucking dans cela! Ceux-ci sont vos derniers mots, donc les faire une prière. C'était à un angle drôle. C'était deux minutes cinq minutes il y a. Les places et un volant de direction.” You know what’s coming next don’t you? Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what she just said.

Meanwhile a Billie Jo Jo Richards, who enlightens us with the following, “I really fancy my friend and he likes me too. I have a boyfriend who is gorgeous but sometimes he annoys the hell out of me. I am convinced that at some point in my life, whether while I am still attached or when/if we break up, I am going to have sex with my gorgeous friend and it's going to be GREAT!!!!” well it might be if he didn’t think you were a butt munching swamp donkey.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

With no respite from the group stages, it was straight into the quarter finals and what a quarter final. England versus the hosts, Portugal, who were still resting Chelsea's new right back. And what's this? England have taken the lead in under 5 minutes, with the man they wrote off, Michael Owen, nonchantly flicking the ball in. Still no sign of that Figo bloke playing. But then tragedy, the new Pele gets injured and has to be replaced by a Drinking Vessel. Second half, hold on its all gone light, that Figo bloke was on the pitch and now his nose has been substituted, we can see clearly without shadow. Not only that but he's been replaced by that spanner Postiga, who couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, or a barn door from two yards (either, but not a mixture of both). DOH! The spanner has scored (something he never learned to do at Spurs) and extra time beckons. A late free kick, a header, it hits the bar (Trademark Pending), and the rebound comes down, and England have scored. Mass celebration, but, they're still playing on. Has the Ref gone Cuckoo? It's been disallowed, with a reason more full of holes than the lump of Swiss cheese masquerading as a ref. All the subs are on for extra time, including Phil Neville, but we should be safe as he's not at left back. DOH! He let's Rui Costa run away from him, and unleash a thunderbolt into the top corner. But back come England, and Frank Lampard scores to even it up (a goal he later dedicated to his new found family) and it's penacks again. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Anyway, first up is David Beckham, who’s bound to hit the target. DOH! Yeah, if the target was the Beagle II. Fortunately Rui Costa can only score from outside the box, and it’s on to sudden death, and disaster. Drinking Vessel has his penack saved by some bloke off the Salon who used to masquerade as a keeper at United, who then adds insult to insult by scoring the winner himself.

With the deflation of that, a full night’s drinking itinery, and the French on a guaranteed winner against the Geeks, watching the second quarter final wasn’t high on the agenda. A dull first half was over as we moved pubs, and we were just on the move again when the news filtered through that the Geeks had taken the lead. The next location changed so that the end of the match could be viewed. The last half hour saw a somewhat poor French side misfiring, which was topped off by the Va Va Voom man missing with an easy header in the last minute. The Geeks win, cue much plate smashing.

What is it about the Swedes? In only their third match televised on terrestrial TV in was the second to be viewed in an alcoholic haze (Compared with zero England games). In the classic Fruit (Oranges of Holland) v Veg (Swedes) encounter that could have done with being beefed up. Touches like a sack of spuds and a lack of banana shots, that could have done with a little (salad) dressing up. Extra time saw Freddie the Fruit have a couple of great chances to win the game for the Swedes, but just failed to hit the onion bag, and it went to penacks. Yet again it went to sudden death, and yet again Aston Villa’s intense penalty training paid off as Oleg Mellberg was the Lemon to get his penalty saved and the Oranges were through.

The final quarter final saw the tournament favourites the Czech Republic trying to make the Danes Lego of their grip in the tournament. An insipid first half saw neither side do a great deal, and you could only help the second half was better. And it was, and early Czech goal by Pepsi saw the game open up, and for AC (DC?) Baros to get a brace and see what was a struggle turn in to a stroll, and safe passage into the semi finals.

For the first time in the tournament there were no games for three days, and just about by the time boredom was setting in, the first semi final saw the Oranges of Holland up against the hosts and fortified grapes PORTugal. Ten minutes in however, saw the start of playing five a side, and after leaving the action at 0-0, it was a surprise to see that Portugal were 2-0 up. By all accounts that bloke Figo had been on the pitch doing his stuff, but he’d disappeared again by the time we caught up with the game. Late pressure by the Dutch saw a goal pulled back, but the Portuguese held out, and made the final in their own country.

The second semi final saw the tournament favourites The Czech Republic up against the rank outsiders and boring Geeks. Boring would be the way to describe the game as well, the Czechs started brightly, but got bogged down, and lost their star man Nedved to injury late in the first half, and never looked the same. Then in their best move of the match a few minutes before the end a Czech goal looked certain as Rosicky (Please note there is no fucking “N” in that name) and Pepsi exchanged passes, but Pepsi was a bit flat and dragged his shot wide. Extra time beckoned and the addition of Stelios saw some more adventure, and saw Peter Cech (Cech by name and Czech by nature) make a couple of good saves, but in the last minute of the first half of injury time Dellas nodded in from a corner, and the Geeks had sneaked another victory. The biggest shock of the tournament had taken place and the favourites, the Czechs had been bounced out of the tournament.

Another three day break, thankfully interspersed with drinking bouts, and then it was the final. In a spooky turn up for the books, the final was exactly the same match as the first game of the tournament, with the Hosts, Portugal up against the outsiders and surprise package, the Geeks. In order to get a bit of sharpness for Chelsea’s new right back came on during the first half for Portugal, in a pretty dire match, which again saw no sign of this bloke Figo, and little sign of pre tournament top scorer favourite Pauleta actually adding to his tally for the tournament, either for goals, which stood at nil, or bookings which stood at two. Then, like a case of déjà vu, the Geeks scored and took the lead, and held on to it, as the Portuguese could muster very little attacking invention. The final whistle saw even more broken plates, and who could have imagined it, The Geeks have inherited the earth.

Lutterworth

Set in the most southerly part of Leicestershire, close to the Roman road Watling Street (now the A5), stands the town of Lutterworth, an Anglo-Saxon settlement. It gets it’s name from the original name of Lutler’s Vordig, meaning Luther’s farm. It stands within reasonable distance of High Cross, the cross-roads of the two Roman Roads, Watling Street and Fosse Way.

The town itself has had connections with two people that are said to have changed the history of the world. First, is John Wycliff, known as ‘the morning star of the reformation’ was the parish priest. Ostracised by the church for his English translation of the bible, and his loathing of the religious order, he was saved by the patronage of the 2^nd Duke of Lancaster, John of Gaunt, and placed in Lutterworth parish, where he lived until his death in 1384, nearly 150 years after his death his translation of the bible is believed to be instrumental in Luther’s stand against the catholic church. Secondly, is Sir Frank Whittle, who developed the jet engine at the Ladywood Works, just off Leicester Road.

The town had prospered by the time of the Norman Conquest, and was given to a follower of William the Conqueror, and is mentioned in the Domesday Book. The manor passed to the De Verdun family, who founded the St. John the Baptist hospital in the town in 1208, and in 1214 a charter to hold a market in the town was granted to Nicholas de Verdun. The Thursday market still continues to this day.

In the 14^th century the manor passed to the Ferrer’s of Groby, and later, in marriage to the Grey family, and Thomas Grey, who was by then the Marquess of Dorset, illegally enclosed the common land.

From 1750 to 1850 the town was an important posting station for coaches on the London to Chester turnpike (Watling Street, now the A5), and the town centre shows this from it’s many Georgian buildings, and layout. These include the distinctive town hall, designed by Joseph Hansom, of the Hansom cab fame.

The railways however were late coming to the town, and didn’t arrive until the Great Central Railway was built in 1899, this closed in 1969, leaving Lutterworth without a railway. This caused the town to become stagnant during this period, however come the advent of the motorway network, and it’s close proximity to the M1, and the A1 / M1 link road, it has become home to Magna Park, Europe’s largest distribution point.

ON THIS DAY

Samuel died and all the Israelites came together and mourned for him. Then they buried him at his home in Ramah.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

RANDOM LIST

The earth, for all its mountains and valleys, is proportionally as smooth as the average billiard ball

A scientist reckons that El Paso, Texas is so hot and humid that the 563,662 people who live there produce enough sweat to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool every four hours, at a rate of 36 fluid ounces of perspiration per person per hour.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . . against bars, poles and tables

All my life I wanted to be something - now I see that I should have been more specific

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Take 2 parts Vodka, 3 parts cranberry, 2 parts grapefruit, and Lime peel. Shake with ice and strain into a tall glass

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, if a train is going from Stoke on Trent to Milton Keynes, leaving at 11.01 and averaging a speed of 45 miles an hour, and another train is going from London Euston to Stockport, leaving at 10.20 and averaging a speed of 80 miles an hour, which train will be nearer to Leicester when they cross? The answer is not as most of you put, that when they meet they are the same distance away. The correct answer is that the southbound train will be nearer to Leicester as it will be on the Eastern most track and the North Bound train will be on the Western most track. The winner of the Train set is a Yvonne Young, from Yeovil. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, How many months have 28 days in them. First out of the hat on Wednesday 21^st wins a calendar.

JOKES

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter sceptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same. "The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went "ROARRRR!""

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A couple, both 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "what can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $16.00. This happened several weeks in a row...the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man explained, "We're not trying to find out anything....she is married, and we can't go to her house. I am also married, so we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charged $50.00, the Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00, and I get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

One day a man walked into a bar and there was $100 bills all on the wall. he asked the bar tender what they was about. he said it was a on going bet would he like to try his luck he said sure. ok first you must drink a big glass of home made moon shine. Then there is a bull dog out back that has a bad tooth you must pull. Then there is an old whore up stairs no body has ever satisfied you must make her happy. Ok no problem let's go he took the moon shine started drinking about half way everybody was looking because no body had made it that for then he just downed it and went out back with the bulldog. They were making all kind of noises barking, crying, then it got still. The man walked out and asked where was that whore with the bad tooth

A boy and his grandfather are sitting on a bench and the grandfather is drinking some beer so the boy asks if he can have a sip and the old man asks if his dick can touch his butt and the boy says no. Then you can’t have any beer says his grandfather. A few minutes pass and the old man pulls out a cigar and the boy asks his grandfather if he can have a puff and his grandfather asks again can you dick touch your butt and the checks again and says no. The boy then goes into his house and comes back eating some cookies and his grandfather says, “I’m hungry give me a cookie boy!” Then the boy asked, “Can your dick touch your butt?” “Hell yeah” said the old man. “Then go fuck yourself,” said the boy.

One day a police officer was told to patrol a block in his city. So he drove over and saw this kid. He thought to himself this looks like a good kid. The kid had a bag of M&M's in one hand and a cat in the other. So the cop picked up his newspaper and started to read it. Just out of curiosity he looked up and saw the kid put an M&M in his mouth and bite the cat in the ass and scooted down the sidewalk. He thought he was imagining it so he started to read his newspaper again. Then he looked up and saw the kid do it again. So he pulled his patrol unit up to get a closer look and again the kid popped and M&M in his mouth, bite the cat in the ass and move down the sidewalk. So he got out his car, walked up behind the kid and watched him do it again. So he asked the kid just what in hell he was doing. He said his dad was a truck driver and he was practicing to be one to. He had to pop a pill, eat a pussy and scoot on down the line.

A guy walks into the bar and sits down next to this woman. After a while he finally leans over and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?" She of course replies, "Certainly NOT!!" "Well then, I guess it must be your feet!!"

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

First solo hit by this member of the Mormon family pop hit factory from the early seventies, with this cover of the Paul Anka hit. Hitting the top in its fourth week on the chart it managed to stay at number one for a creditable five weeks, and in the charts for a total of 23 weeks. He had a further two solo number ones and another as part of the Osmonds, before fronting a chat show in recent years.

Second chart hit for this UK reggae group headed by Eddy Grant. This crawled to number one and managed to make it in its tenth week on the chart and stayed at number one for three weeks in a total chart run of eighteen weeks. They had a number of hits over the next couple of years before splitting in the early seventies. Eddy Grant came back in the late seventies as a solo artist and hit number one with I don’t wanna dance in 1982.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Duran Duran – Greatest Hits, Dr Dre – 2001, Big Daddy Kane – It’s a big Daddy thing, NERD – Rockstar, Outkast – Roses, Basement Jaxx – Good Luck, The Jam – Setting Sons & Sound Affects.

EUROPEAN FANTASY FOOTBALL

Who’d have thought it, the Greeks winning the tournament. And that the early pacesetter Last Minute XI dropping out of the money places in the very last match, with Dellas getting enough points to lift Seek’em and Destroy in to second. The winning was all done by then, and this time it was without cheating. A short 6 week break and it’ll all be back on with the next season of fantasy football..

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	One Flew Over the Cocu's Nest	287
2nd	Seek'em and Destroy	250
3rd	Last Minute XI	243
4th	Westside Glory	225
5th	Lamb Chops United	221
6th	Euro Chumps	206
7th	Van Van Voom!	204
8th	Eurnohopers	200
9th	Shhoooooottt!!! The Europeans	193
10th	Czech Mates	178
11th	I'll Win At Scrabble	168
12th	The V Force	158
13th	Phil	152
14th	Shatner's Bassoon	130
15th	Before Ze Germans Get There	126
16th	The 100% Unofficial Team	120
17th	Euro Trash	108
	Final Table

WACKY RACES

Just in case those taking part haven’t got to grips with it, it is pit stop time. You have until lunchtime tomorrow to get your transfers in. Dump your three worst and get three better ones in. Meanwhile The Bulletproof bomb becomes the second three race winner and closes up slightly on the leader. But we have to see what happens after the pit stops. From this point on it may degenerate into a sprint.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	7545	70
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	7402	66
3rd	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	7378	52
4th	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	7368	51
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	7179	51
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	7057	59
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	6760	31
	After French Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

So picture the scene: It's the night of Germany vs. Czech Republic; it's p1ssing down with rain; and HTB, on the back of three straight whippings are set to face 3rd Eye Wanderers, the team that humiliated them 20-3 a few weeks previously. It was fair to say that expectations were low. However on the plus side, new signing Wes looked sharp in the warm-up, and there was the luxury of a substitute. When things got underway it was HTB that looked the better side, with nice passing and movement as well as some pretty solid defending, going into the break with a 6-4 lead. At half time it was acknowledged that there would be an uphill struggle to maintain the lead, which HTB very nearly did, falling foul of some dubious refereeing decisions, and an agonising injury-time winner scored from a restart. Final score 11-10 to 3rd Eye - disappointing, but a vast improvement on recent performances.

Squirrel: Looked sharper than he has done in recent weeks, the pie-loving stopper made some good saves, although should be disappointed not to have kept out the winner. 8

G-Man: Again, a different player than we've seen of late. This was the monkey of old - battling, running, tackling and scoring freely. A well deserved SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN performance. 9

Ricky Organ: Lacked match fitness, and at times exhibited a touch that would make a Soham College caretaker proud. Worked hard to break up attacks and tighten things defensively. Not his worst performance by any stretch. 7

Nez: Strangley subdued, and for once, less magic moments than a fun-sized box of quality street. Still, it says something about the lad that he can score three on a quiet day at the office. 7

Wes: Worked hard, shouted loud, and bagged a brace; the Chorltonian made an impressive debut and looks a useful addition to the squad. 8

Dancing: Never really got into this one, but dug deep in the second half to help out at the back. Unlucky not to score early on. 7 SURERANDOMALITY WORST OF A GOOD BUNCH.

Referee: This chump made the clueless gnome of the previous week look like Pierluigi Collina. Gifted 3rd Eye a penalty, and ruled against HTB in several key decisions. 4

The penultimate match of the season was against Ed Dynamos, a real crunch of a tie with the potential for the winners to reach the heady-heights of 4th place in division 5. A constantly evolving Hit The Bar squad saw regulars Squirrel, C0ck Boy, Dancing and Nez line up alongside Wes for his second consecutive game, and Dec who had a very brief spell on loan with HTB last season. The pre-match warm-up consisted of Wes, who perhaps hadn't got the idea of these things, booting the ball at Squirrel's delicates, leaving the big man virtually paralysed for the start of the game. Nevertheless, HTB started well enough and traded some early goals with Ed Dynamos, and a bit of luck saw HTB going in 5-4 at half time. Both teams appeared visibly tired by the second half and gaps were soon opening across the pitch. As the end of the game approached, the teams were tied on 7 apiece and it was all HTB could do to hang on. Somehow though they found hidden reserves of energy and got their noses in front before finally sealing it 9-7 thanks to a superb solo-goal (if somewhat greedy) from Nez.

The usual avoid-the-ball warm up had failed this week and he started the match looking slightly pale after taking one in the knackers and was very nearly the first recipient of the SURERANDOMALITY SEX CHANGE. Started averagely and was helped in the early stages by HTB's new defender, G-Post. However he was soon back to his best and made a number of superb stops, the pick of which would have Newton himself re-writing his laws of momentum - 8

The youngster can be proud of this performance, sealing his hat trick with a last gasp solo-effort. Was a medium on the whinge-factor scale this week, with the usual scouse-tinged cries of "make sure" and "get tight" ringing across Stockport. Was a constant menace to the opposition and even their niggly little fouls couldn't stop him. This week's SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Ed Dynamos will be glad to see the back of C0ck Boy. Almost missed the start but once he was on the pitch he played well in a largely unselfish role, which saw some good marking and neat passing throughout the game. Got his name on the score sheet as well and can be pleased with this performance - 7

The new foreign signing showed glimpses of promise in only his second game for HTB. Some good passing and vision set up a fair number of chances and he also got himself into scoring positions, with one of them hitting the mark. Match fitness appeared to be a problem but this should come with time, as hopefully will a pair of astro boots. A decent game - 7

Another performance like last week and it may have been time to hang up his boots, and by the way he started they would be off by half time. However, he soon rediscovered his touch and danced round one opponent to slam one home over the goal line, and added a second as well. Marking was mostly ok but was still guilty of losing an opponent on occasion, and according to one team-mate he should "get tight". - 7

A solid game from the other new lad and provided some much needed bite for the team. Also got himself into some good positions and tucked a couple away but at times was guilty of shooting when a pass would have been better. Defended well but tired towards the end, a good game though - 7

G-Man was absent but G-Post stepped in. This was a superb display from the slender metallic lad at the back. Some excellent stops when Squirrel was beaten and never flinched no matter what. Distribution could be better and movement was somewhat lacking but still a great game. Just misses out on Starman by virtue of the fact that he's not technically a man - 8

The final game of the season before the players were to head off for their 6-day inter-season break saw Hit The Bar up against bottom side KF Soldiers, a team who had won only once all season, no prizes for guessing who against. The late withdrawal of Nez, who picked up the 'ARD-WORKING ASS-LICKING ARSEBANDIT award, would usually set the alarm bells winning, but come kick-off HTB still managed a squad of six, with G-Man back from a brief loan spell with Spanish side, Ibiza. The game started in something of a stalemate but after some close calls HTB finally got a breakthrough and went on to score five without reply. They should have had more but that skinny little Stockport scally, G-Post, had only gone and swapped his allegiance and was playing a blinder for KF Soldiers. Amazingly, HTB finished the half with a clean sheet still intact, could they go the whole game without conceding? KF Soldiers started the second half with a bit of bite, but HTB had no trouble matching them and extending their lead. Complacency led to KF Soldiers finding the net a couple of times but the game soon fizzled out into a disappointing affair, with HTB winning 11-3, and the legendary clean-sheet remaining as elusive as a lobbed goal.

The prospect of Shera (She-Ra?) being promoted next season, surerandomality led to the players all acquiring a He-Man pseudonym, which will probably be lost on anyone not born in the 1977-82 period.

Battle Cat (Squirrel) - An unusually quiet game for a change meant he had little impact on the outcome. The prospect of a clean sheet kept him interested but once that was gone minimum effort was required. Answered the few questions that were asked of him but had nothing special to do - 7

Man-E-Faeces (C0ck Boy) - An episode of the runs during the week earnt him the appropriate, if mis-spelt, pseudonym. Fortunately he was demonstrating runs of a different kind on the pitch. Some well-worked moves produced some nice goals, including a couple for himself - 7

Man-At-Arms (Dec) - A real frontline fighting performance this week from the plucky little potato-muncher. Had a bit more fire in his belly and was involved in most of the play. Probably wouldn't have been too pleased with his finishing but his build-up play and tackling was good and he did manage to tuck two shots home - 8

Ram Man (Wes) - From the very start he had his shooting boots on and it was all G-Post could do to deny him from some spectacular efforts early on. It wasn't long before he rammed one home and two more were to follow. Occasionally got carried away and missed the chance to put others clean through on goal but did well enough to edge it as SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Orko (G-Man) - At times a magical performance but at others he appeared to lose his wand. There are rumours that he blamed Ibiza FC for not keeping him as match-fit as HTB do, but then Ibiza could argue that he was lounging around by the pool whilst others were training. Scored a good hat-trick but looked out of it towards the end - 7

Skeletor (Dancing) - About as meaty as his pseudonym, this was a reasonable performance - the fact that at times he looked bone idol could perhaps be the only bone of contention. Scored one poached goal but, and I'll make no bones about it, he should have had more. Certainly not a bona fide performance, but not bad - 7

Nez 33, Squirrel 20, G Man 20, Dancing 18, Ricky Organ 16, Wes 7, Turkish 6, Dec 3, Owen 2, Pete 2, OG 2, Ashcroft 2, Curtains 1, Singo 1.

Division 5 Final Table

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
FC POLSKA	14	13	1	0	176	78	98	0	39
3^RD EYE WANDERERS	14	11	3	0	165	68	97	0	33
MILLENIUM	14	10	4	0	129	83	46	0	30
HIT THE BAR	14	7	7	0	133	138	-5	0	21
VASKO DE GATLEY	14	5	8	1	106	136	-30	0	16
ED DYNAMOS	14	5	9	0	93	125	-32	0	15
STEVEN GOOD	14	3	11	0	69	164	-95	0	9
K F SOLDIERS	14	1	12	1	70	149	-79	0	4

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Reverts to 465m following his costly defeat over 647. As ever, his late hitting style means he will have to do things the hard way.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

CBS was the first television network to use instant replay. It introduced playback for the first time in the Army vs Navy American Football game on 7^th December 1963

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, c0ck boy won, luckily there is only a couple of months before it starts again and we can have a different winner.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

NEW Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Dancing & Ricky Organ.

Leicester City
Founded						1884
Turned Professional						1888
Admitted to the League						1894
Previous Names						Leicester Fosse
Nickname (s)						Foxes, Filberts
Ground						Walkers Bowl
Capacity						32,500
Previous Grounds						Victoria Park, Belgrave Road, Filbert Street
Seasons in Each Division
1						44
2						53
3						0
4						0
Trophies
Division 1						Runners up 1928-29
Division 2						1924-25, 1936-37, 1953-54, 1956-57, 1970-71, 1979-80
FA Cup						Runners up 1949, 1961, 1963, 1969
League Cup						1964, 1997, 2000
Charity Shield						1971
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by old boys of the Wyggeston School in 1884, they named themselves Leicester Fosse after the Roman Road, Fosse Way that runs through the city, they started off life in the local leagues playing on Victoria Park, with a brief stop at Belgrave Road, before moving to Filbert Street and Joining the Football league in 1894. The name changed to Leicester City in 1910
Synopsis - Major Events						If ever there was a team that is suited to the term yo-yo team then this is it. Since election to the second division they have been promoted and relegated to the top flight on 12 separate occasions, and have failed to lift any silverware except the league cup in it’s various guises.
Synopsis - Recent times						After missing out in the playoff finals they made it third time lucky, but only survived a single season, however they bounced straight back and had a run of top ten finishes until 2002 when they were relegated and fell into financial difficulties. They bounced straight back, only to suffer relegation again.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They are the only team that have never won either the League or the FA cup, and yet have not been relegated to the third division (or whatever it’s called now). The only team to play in three consecutive playoff finals in the same division.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
270	48		41		46			170		184		30		34		71		136		207		309
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		21^st			-		9^th		10^th		10^th		8^th