Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

As a introduction to the new Darwin Awards section, a few news stories of those that with a little less luck might have been in the section themselves

After Michael Hatfield, 54, of Lee's Summit, Mo., dropped his keys in a lake, he decided to go get them, even though the water was 30 feet deep. Using a garden hose for a snorkel, he tied a 20-pound boat anchor to his waist and dove in. Hatfield couldn't find the keys since he didn't have goggles, so he tried again. On the second attempt, he lost his grip on the garden hose and a friend, sensing trouble, hauled him to the surface with a rope. By then Hatfield was not breathing, but by the time the Missouri State Water Patrol rescue squad arrived he was conscious and refused assistance. Hatfield says he wasn't thinking about the risks when he hatched his recovery plan. - It’s amazing what junk you can find lying around.

Jason Grisham, 22, climbed over a barbed wire - topped fence around an electrical substation in Clarksville, Ind., and, ignoring warning signs, climbed up a tower until he got to a 69,000- volt wire. The resulting jolt threw him clear, but he knocked out power to 6,800 customers. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police say, but he's expected to survive. - I’ve known some tits in my time

Zachary Lee Foust, 19, of Chapel Hill, N.C., was arrested on charges of breaking and entering and theft, and was taken to the county jail for booking. Once at the jail, the arresting officer noticed his cell phone was missing -- and Foust looked nervous and was avoiding eye contact. Then the officer heard a "beep" from Foust's leg. He searched him and found his phone in Foust's shoe. The officer added another theft charge to Foust's line-up. - But none quite as stupid as this one.

An unnamed employee at a furniture manufacturing plant in Grass Valley, Calif., noticed his pants had become saturated with flammable liquid. He then "put a lighter to his pants to see if they would ignite," the company's business manager said. They did -- and so did the building. Thanks to a sprinkler system and fire fighters from four local departments, the building was saved. The employee, described as a college student in his 20s, received minor burns. - Then again, this bloke isn’t exactly Mr Current affairs either.

It must have been a slow day at Champs Sports, a store in the Oakdale Mall in Johnson City, N.Y. Assistant store manager Joseph R. Freer, 23, allegedly soaked a spider in a storage area with a flammable liquid and lit it. The resulting fire spread into the store. The entire mall was evacuated, and many stores and restaurants suffered smoke damage. Freer was arrested and charged with fourth-degree arson. - Meanwhile the spider escaped unharmed.

It's not clear where Brian Kitten got the commercial-grade fireworks shell, but he didn't have a proper launch tube for it, say investigators in Lincoln, Neb. So he put it in a five-gallon bucket with a chunk of concrete in the base and lit the fuse, they say. The artillery shell exploded in the bucket -- only the chunk of concrete went flying, hitting Kitten in the face even though he was 20 yards away. Kitten's jaw was broken and several teeth knocked out, leaving him in "fair" condition in a local hospital. Still, says fire investigator Ken Hilger, Kitten was "lucky" since a bit lower, the concrete would have pierced his neck and a bit higher, the concrete would have caused a brain injury. - What? Worse than the one he’s already got?

DHL has welcomed government findings set out in its latest Future of air transport white paper. The paper recognises the importance of East Midlands airport and the valuable economic benefits the air express industry offers the UK economy. It also acknowledges that EMA plays a strategically important role for the air express sector. DHL is a major user of EMA and was particularly interested in the government findings. "we are pleased that the government has recognised the important role that EMA plays within the local and national community. This will help to ensure that DHL and the air express industry as a whole can continue to meet the needs of UK companies that rely on fast and reliable international parcel and freight capability". - Why do they let these people produce their own magazines.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was a bit of a washout this fortnight, with there not being a lot of stupidity around. Therefore I’m going to have to pick on someone to award it to. Why not just let Seeks retain it.

Keep your eyes open for more details of the Surerandomality 2^nd Birthday party on Friday 29^th October.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over four months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality In the Summertime. Though you wouldn’t realise it with the weather we’ve been having. However there have been a spate of holidays recently, so it must be true. Not that I’m really complaining, seeing as I hate hot weather, and seeing as it was St. Swithan's day last Thursday, and so traditionally we’re due another 40 days worth of weather like that. Not only that but I’ve actually had a couple of days off myself, which for the most part were spent constructively, sleeping, drinking, and loafing. Then I’ve also been planning some kind of plan for the second Surerandomality Birthday party which is taking place on Friday 29^th October, which as I’m sure you can tell is some way off, but I’m advertising early to try and get as big a crowd as possible. There are no destinations written in stone yet, and suggestions would be appreciated. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 9th July – Life is full of little surprises and talking of little, Little Mark was in Manchester for a surprise visit. This meant that the planned quiet weekend was out of the window. The Hogshead was the venue, and apart from Little Mark, the attendees were, The Chemist, Hopalong, and a little belatedly Squirrel. They were joined by Dickie Boy and Katy, and then very late on Ricky Organ. They also bumped into some of Hopalong’s workmates who were out on a leaving do. It was decided to go to the Slug and Lettuce, but with that closing earlier than expected, they needed a continuation point, and that just happened to be XS. On route they lost Ricky Organ and The Chemist, but inside the usual suspects were in the corner, and Kelly, Jodie and Sharon were also there. For some reason Little Mark, Dickie Boy and Squirrel thought it was a good idea to start on double gin and tonics, which needless to say got messy. It got blurry and at closing time it was a bus homewards, with Dickie Boy and Katy getting off on the way, and Squirrel trying to snooze, but Hopalong woke him up at Parrs Wood, as him and Little Mark headed to Chez Kingsway. However Squirrel headed to Tesco’s, where he was unsuccessful in his attempt to buy more alcohol, and where he had to be helped to the exit by security. He eventually managed to make it home by about 5 and another daylight homecoming.

Saturday 10th July – Do you fancy a pub lunch? Fuck off. Nevertheless it was still quarter past midday when Squirrel met Hopalong, Ricky Organ, Little Mark and The Chemist in Ye Olde Cock. Ricky Organ left after food, and there was only Squirrel and Hopalong drinking, a mini pool tournament followed with Squirrel coming out as the winner. Little Mark needed to head off home, and Squirrel and Hopalong got The Chemist to drop them at The Crown on his way to Decathlon. Besides the fact that Kelly was working, the afternoon was interspersed with celebrity spotting, as a corrie cast member having a party over the road, meant celebs (including Peter Kay and John Thompson) coming in or by the pub. Escaping the drudgery of home improvement, G Man met Squirrel and Hopalong in the Frog and Railway, where more pints followed, and they were joined by Amanda, and on the pool table Squirrel was humiliating Hopalong by beating him while playing one handed. A taxi followed as they headed into Didsbury and the Hogshead, however on the slow down, the fold down seat Squirrel was sat on came loose and fell off. Meanwhile Zac was up for the weekend, and was with Ricky Organ, Dancing and others in the Pitcher and Piano, and Zac and Ricky Organ moved to meet the rest of them. Hopalong and Squirrel headed to Fallowfield, where they took a food stop before hitting XS for a change. Ricky Organ, Zac, G Man and Amanda headed for food in Didsbury, with Ricky Organ and Zac heading home first, but while G Man and Amanda headed home they were nearly motored, and the occupants of the car didn’t take kindly to abuse and got out and gave G Man a kicking. Back in XS it was extremely messy conservative estimates put the alcohol volume in excess of 20 pints. Labour estimates puts it down as the scourge of binge drinking, and Lib Dem estimates put it down as a quiet night for Charles Kennedy. Whatever there was much dancing and Squirrel was prevented from falling asleep by a very sharp radiator just behind his head. On closing Hopalong and Squirrel got a taxi back to Chez Kingsway, where Squirrel thought it was a good idea to start on the Bacardi.

Sunday 11th July – It didn’t seem such a good idea the next morning. However pub lunch was called again, this time the destination was The Crown, and Squirrel, Hopalong, Zac, The Chemist and Ricky Organ made it, and Hopalong even bought flowers along for Kelly. After a single drink they all dispersed home to recover from the weekend.

Monday 12th July – Recovery continued, and it was much needed. There really is no need for so much shit on terrestrial TV though.

Wednesday 14th July – 5 a side night, and a reasonable kick off time, which split the evening very nicely.

Thursday 15th July – Ricky Organ headed into Didsbury for his birthday, along with The Chemist, Hopalong and Turkish, where they started in the Dog & Partridge, where they managed to scare Justin off successfully again. Then for a change it was the Hogshead. In other news, it was belatedly found out that G Man had handed his notice in.

Friday 16th July – G Man was the catalyst for a very messy evening, with a mid afternoon start in Ye Olde Cock with his (soon to be ex) work colleagues. The Chemist was heading up to Newcastle for the weekend. After a couple of ill advised car journeys, G Man met Hopalong in the Crown, where they were eventually joined by Amanda and Squirrel. Kelly had just finished work, and left them in the pub so she could get ready to go out. Meanwhile the others headed to the Dog & Partridge, where Squirrel was beating Hopalong at pool again, and managed to eke out another one handed beating. They were joined by Kelly and Jodie, but just before closing time they lost G Man and Amanda. A taxi followed to XS, where it was borderline messy. Hopalong got a taxi back with Kelly, Jodie and Sharon, whereas Squirrel actually managed to get a bus and walk up Didsbury road without any detours or sleeping. Hopalong however decided that it was time to go to Tesco’s and do some DVD shopping at half five, and can’t remember whether he went to bed or not.

Saturday 17th July – Turkish met Ricky Organ mid afternoon in the Slug & Lettuce, where they were joined soon after by Squirrel, and a game of Hit the Bar top trumps was started. This was followed by Ricky Organ and Turkish having a game of Bluetooth Battleships. They were joined then by Hopalong, then by Dancing and then by G Man, with each new addition to the party prompting another game of Hit the Bar top trumps. They were briefly joined by Amanda who was meeting her new housemates before going for a curry. It was the general consensus that they looked like geeks. And this from the party of “grown” men who’d been playing home made top trumps all afternoon. Also out were Dec and Phil. Next pub was The Pear Tree, but Dec and Phil were ahead of everyone else and by the time everyone had made it into the Hogshead they had already moved onto O’Neill’s. Back in the Hogshead they were rejoined by Amanda. One by one everyone started leaving to go home, leaving Hopalong and Squirrel to head to Fallowfield and XS again. Once again they were joined in there by Kelly, Jodie and Sharon. A messy night of dancing followed with in a re run of the previous evening, Hopalong got a taxi back with Kelly, Jodie and Sharon, whereas Squirrel actually managed to get a bus and walk up Didsbury road without any detours or sleeping, but with a food stop. However he was minus his sunglasses which had been nicked from the pocket of his shirt which had been in regular’s corner. Prime suspect is Del Boy in a possible retaliation for recent phone and lighter problems.

Sunday 18th July – DIY central at Chez Woodheys saw Squirrel move very little all day, whereas after a busy day putting units together saw G Man and Amanda off out to see Spiderman 2.

Monday 19th July – A nice quiet day and evening. Have you seen the utter shite on TV on a Monday? Roll on the new football season and Monday Night Football. Only thing is now days it’ll mean an extra night in the pub.

Tuesday 20th July – It does seem to be a bit of a cyclic thing, heavy weekends, very free wheeling easy going weeks. Then G Man, aided by Squirrel started the new game of hide the Box Bitch’s sandwiches. First stop the salad box.

Wednesday 21st July – Five a side saw people returning home tired, but back at Chez Woodheys, it was day two of the hide the Box Bitch’s sandwiches, this time it was an egg box.

Thursday 22nd July – G Man and Hopalong met up straight from work and descended on the Crown, where they proceeded to carry on drinking until nearly closing time, much to the chagrin of Amanda who had cooked dinner for G Man (which was eventually binned). Once back at Chez Woodheys G Man then pulled one of his trademark, “Just going for a drink” routines, and went and locked himself in the bathroom and slept on the floor in complete comatose. Meanwhile Squirrel took the cowards way out and decided against day three of the box bitch sandwich hiding game.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 23rd July – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, it’s a quiet weekend in. Yeah right, G Man’s last day at work. I’ve seen the carnage from some of their leaving dos before. This will get extremely messy.

Saturday 24th July – Yeah right, by now there’s bound to have been some carnage.

Sunday 25th July – Today will probably be quiet after it’s got messy over the weekend.

Monday 26th – Tuesday 27th July – Finally payday arrives, it’s been a long strange month.

Thursday 29th July – 5^th Ave, shit I’ve not been in ages, sounds like a good idea to me.

Friday 30th July – The usual suspects are calling, you can guarantee it’s going to get messy. G Man is off up to Glasgow as well to meet up with Gordon, so he’s not going to be in any kind of fit state to go job hunting on the Monday.

Sunday 1st August – Tuesday 3rd August – A day of rest, followed by busy little bastard time at work.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight – Squirrel, for beating Hopalong one handed at pool while Hopalong was playing two handed. (Twice)

Chump of the Fortnight – Hopalong, for losing to Squirrel one handed at pool while he was playing two handed. (Twice)

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

RANDOM LIST

New teeth are constantly being formed in rows in a shark's jaw. Teeth are normally replaced every eight days, and some species can shed as many as 30,000 in a lifetime

1962 Linus Pauling becomes the first person to win Nobel prizes in two different categories.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

READER’S LETTERS

There are two possible explanations for the types of letters that we’re getting in now. The first is that we are reaching a wider audience and therefore are receiving more foreign correspondence, or the standard of English that readers are using is rapidly declining. Either way it’s getting difficult to understand a single word of what people are writing. It has to be said that the post room help can actually read quite a few of the undecipherables, which seeing as they wouldn’t know a foreign language (except English) if it came up and assaulted them with an oversized vibrator, I can only assume that the standard of English is declining to a level where you’re all beginning to write like they do. It’s probably best not to think about it, after all, what have I told you all about thinking? Anyway, let’s not stand on ceremony, let’s start this particular show.

First up is a Laurence Handforth, from Pimlico in London, who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. Why do you submit us to this torture issue after issue?" Cos I feel like it. If you don’t like it, leave it, your not going to help matters by raising the issue again are you?

This week’s foreign correspondence comes Olaf Gudtomasson, from Stavanger, Norway, who writes the following, “De fått en tannbørste? Vi drar til London. Gjør De hører det, Doug? Jeg kommer til London! De viser meg hvordan styre en vill fucking sigøyner og jeg vise De hvordan styre en unhinged, plugg-tilførselgangster! Også tett? De lander en jumbo fucking duse i det! Disse er Deres siste ord, så lager dem en bønn. Det var på en morsom vinkel. Det var siden to minutter fem minutter. Seter og et styrende hjul.” Yes people, as you’ve probably heard before, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Michael Alvicky, from San Francisco, California, wants to add the following, “I am an intern at a psychiatric hospital. I am always being hit on by this one guy, and it is really becoming annoying. He asks me questions like "do the drapes match the carpet?" One day i was really fed up with what he had to say, so when I was delivering him his coffee, i put Ex-lax in it. He did not come out of the bathroom for an hour. I do not feel sympathy for him.” That’s as the case may be, but has it stopped him hitting on you?

Finally we have a Miss Jemima Dufflecote, who tries to write the following, “I ave bin lucking at ure web sight and want too no wen will it be update? It is a longg times sinse it has bin dun. Pleese let us no wen it be updated.” It should be updated in the next couple of weeks, and fully up to date at that, however it would appear that it will be updated a long time before you learn English you dumb bitch.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He sat in his seat in a daze wondering whether he was just dreaming this. Could he even contemplate being with Andrea? He couldn’t imagine he would not cal her Claire by mistake at some point, and that wouldn’t help anything. Would it even matter what he though or did though? At the moment there were other, probably more important things to consider. And as if on cue, the reminder came, as the speakers clicked into life

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” came the voice, “If you could all please take your seats and strap yourselves in, we shall start the landing process. Due to your low altitude, there won’t be much of a descent, and you will be on the ground within the next five minutes. Once the plane has stopped, please remain in your seats and await further instructions.”

Sure enough, about three minutes later the plane had come to a halt, and the passengers sat silently awaiting what was coming. The speakers clicked back into life and the voice came again.

“As you may be able to tell, there has been a successful landing. Any moment now the rear door should be opening and a few of my representatives will be on hand to show you your way to your accommodation. It is advised that once n your accommodation, you take the opportunity to shower and then get some sleep. The local time is 9.57pm, and for most of you it will have been a very long and confusing thirty six hours. It is also advised that you make yourselves familiar with the layout of the complex, as you will need to make your way to the dining room for Breakfast at 7.30 in the morning. The maps that are on the back of each of your doors should help you.”

“While you are here it is mandatory to attend all meals, and any other gatherings that you are instructed to. There will be a head count made every time, and any person that is missing, WILL be found and punished accordingly. If you obey all instructions, then everything here will be completed within two weeks, and you can go back to your normal every day lives. Anything else apart from total co-operation will lead to a much longer, and possible permanent stay. It is important to remember that all of you are important, but none of you are expendable.”

With that the speakers clicked off and the rear door started to open. The dark night outside was a welcome contrast to the excessively bright light in the plane. A man and woman walked up the ramp and onto the plane as the passengers started to get up and head for the exit. He undid his own safety harness, and got up and joined the rest of the departing passengers. He looked around and spotted Andrea making her way to the exit, and he tried to join her.

THE DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. They issue a top ten each year, but also keep a record of numerous fools that don't make the top ten. Each issue, I’ll give you two examples of people who really don't deserve to be alive.

When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion. Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

Daniel and his friend were practicing their marksmanship by shooting at targets in a farm field. But instead of the usual choices of mice, bottles, or birds, they selected a more worthy adversary: electrical insulators. These pear-shaped glass or plastic devices are intended to hold electrical wires aloft. But after the men shot six insulators off two utility poles, the shattered targets were no longer up to the job. A high-voltage wire fell to the ground and Daniel, attempting to prevent a serious fire, seized the sizzling wire in his hand, and was electrocuted. An Allegheny Power spokesman advised people not to shoot at electrical insulators.

The follow up to the cult classic Escape from New York, saw Kurt Russell return as Snake Pliskin, the one eyed ex war hero turned outlaw in a futuristic ultra conservative America. John Carpenter was actually given a big budget to make this sequel, and the sets and cast show this, but there are places that leave you thinking that some of the money could have been passed to the special effects team. The prime example of which is the most ridiculous surfing scene seen up to then. (It has of course been eclipsed by Die Another Day) Basically a big earthquake has made LA an island and prison complex. Snake is coerced to going in and retrieving a targeting device for satellite nuclear devices capable of turning the world back to the dark ages. He’s got a time limit because of a implanted virus. Along the way he has to deal with all kinds of freaks, weirdo’s and gangsters to come out alive. In other words another normal day in LA. Ridiculous in parts, but all round good fun. 4/5.

Overlord of Leicester from 1068 - 1098, given the land by William the Conqueror for service to the King in the conquest. The Domesday Book shows him to own most of the land / property in Leicester and the surrounding area.

Overlord of Leicester from 1098-1107, inherited the title from his father Hugh. Died while on Crusade in 1107 without issue. King Henry I ceded the lands to his sister’s son Robert Prudhomme of the Beaumont family, at which time the title Earl of Leicester was created.

ON THIS DAY

Josiah was eight years old when he became king of Judah, and he ruled in Jerusalem for 31 years.

But then newer, better acts came along, and he moved on, First to Bethlehem, then to Nazareth, and finally to appearing in panto on the Dead Sea.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Vulgar evasions of profane oaths, all including the sacred name, combined with some other words which it might not be very difficult to conjecture.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, it was a bit of a trick question as all 12 months have 28 days in them. The winner of the calendar is a Zebedee Zoolander, from Zouch. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, On my normal journey to work from Heaton Mersey to Albert Square (on the 42A), how many pubs / clubs do I pass that I can see. Note the word see, this will include those on side streets, not just those that I actually pass. First out of the hat on Wednesday 4th wins a gallon of beer.

JOKES

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" she said. "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

Two dogs are waiting in the vet’s office. The first dog asks the second dog why he is there. The second dog answers "Well, the other night I was asleep in front of the fire place. My owner came home drunk, and tripped over me. Then he kicked me, so I bit him. Now he's having me put to sleep." "That's terrible! ",Says the first dog." He's having you put to sleep for that, eh?"

"Yeah", says the second dog,” But what can you do? Enough about me, why are you here?" "Well the other night, I was lying on the bathroom floor while my mistress showered. She got out of the tub, and when she bent over to dry her hair, I mounted her." "You MOUNTED her?" asked the second dog in disbelief. "Yes i mounted her," answered the first dog. "Still" Said the second dog, "That's a hell of a reason to put you to sleep." "Put to sleep?" Who said anything about getting put to sleep? I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

The CIA, FBI, and LAPD are all involved in the same training exercise. the object of the exercise is to go into a three mile by three mile wooded area and find a rabbit. the CIA is first to go in and are gone for about an hour upon arriving back at the base camp they report that they contacted all of their animal informants but we're assured that no rabbit lived in those woods. the FBI was next in trying to locate the rabbit but after burning the forest to the ground also reported that they too had come up empty handed. then came the LAPD's turn and after about two hours in the woods returned with a grizzly bear who was obviously completely beaten to shit and screaming "OKAY OKAY I'M A FUCKING RABBIT."

There's this famous superstar on a plane to America. It’s a really long flight and he's dying for a piss and a shit. He gets up and then groans as he sees the queue for the loo is really really long. In desperation he decides he may be able to use his superstardom powers to get him somewhere. So he pulls a flight attendant aside, tells her who he is and what’s going on. She thinks for a moment then says "Well, there’s a special toilet for ladies that you could use, but just don't press the ATR button. Okay?" He says "Fine, fine, whatever," and rushes into the toilet. As he lets it all out he notices a few buttons on the side. He sits himself down on the seat and presses the little pink button to the side of him suddenly a breeze blows up his bum drying him off. And he thinks, "Wow these girls sure do have it easy." Then he notices a blue button and thinks "Why not?" so he presses it and a powder puff comes up and powders his now-dry bottom. He is dead impressed, then he sees the ATR button. Ignoring the flight attendants advice he presses it thinking 'Well it’s got to be as good as the other two.' Suddenly it all goes black. The next thing he knows he's in a hospital and there’s a nurse standing over him. "Ah." she says "Your awake at last." "What happened?" He asks. "Well you were told not to press the ATR button. It stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. You'll find your penis under your pillow . . . ."

One day this guy walks into a bar with this really hot woman and he walks up to the bar and slaps down a 1000 dollar bill and says a drink for everyone in the bar so the bartender goes and hands them all out and all of a sudden a little guy jumps out of the pocket and knocks over all the drinks and the guy get mad and slaps another 1000 dollar bill on the counter and says a drink for everyone in the bar bartender finally gets them all handed out and the little guy jumps out of the guys pocket and tips over all the drinks so the bartender asks the guy what’s going on and the guy says well I got three wishes and one was for the most pretty women in the world and my second wish was for a 1000 dollar bill every time I put my hand in my pocket and my third wish was for a nine inch prick

A man goes to the beach and sees a girl with no arms or legs crying and asks "What's the matter?" The woman answers "I've never been kissed by a man before." So the man kisses her and leaves. the next day he sees the same woman and asks "What's the mater?" The woman answers "I've never been held by a man before." So the man sits down and holds her for a while and goes on walking. The next day the same woman is crying so he asks her what she was crying about and she says "I've never been fucked before." So the man thinks about it for a while, then bends down picks her up and carries her to the water as the tide was coming in. Then he gets up and walks away. She asks "What are you doing?" The man says "Now your Fucked."

A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes & and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with him, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The second number one for this former backing singer for Billy Fury. He was born Clive Powell, and had a number of hits in the sixties and seventies. This reached number 1 in it’s fifth week on the charts and stayed just the one week at number in an eleven week chart run. Only three of his hits reached the top ten, but all of them managed to make it all the way to number one.

Jimmy Nail - Ain't No Doubt – East West YZ686 – Written by Pratt / Schogger /Nail / Dore

Originally born James Michael Aloysius Bradford, this Geordie first came to prominence as Oz in Auf Wiedersehen Pet, and this was his second chart hit. It reached number one in it’s second week on the charts and stayed there for three weeks as part of a twelve week stay on the chart. Had ten hits in a chart career spanning 15 years and numerous TV programmes.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Yes people, last issue’s was a joke. Impressions don’t really come across very well in writing.

Kris Kross (Chris Kelly and Chris Smith) started in '91 when they were spotted by Jermaine Dupri in an Atlanta shopping mall. Known for their backwards jeans and as Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac, their debut single Jump was a massive hit, as was their first Album Totally Krossed Out. They had a number of hits in the UK, and in the US and were nominated for an MTV award and two Grammy Awards, and won two American Music Awards, and then went on to tour Europe with Michael Jackson. They had two further albums, Da Bomb and Young, Rich and Dangerous, before drifting out of recording, and into producing (including working with Outkast)

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight. Beastie Boys Vs Mark the 45 King – Intergalactic 900, Public Enemy Vs Tori Amos – Widow without a pause, Stone Roses – The Complete, Ice T – Original Gangster, Kayne West – The College dropout, Mantronix – Greatest hits, Boogie Down Productions – Criminal Minded.

WACKY RACES

Here we are, the first race after the transfer window. The positions haven’t changed much, but the transfers have led to a difference in the personnel of the teams, and the gamble is on for a number of teams, as the leader went for the safe option to try and keep his position. Can the points deficit be made up with just seven races to go? Watch this space to find out.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	8318	73
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	8233	74
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	8180	57
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	8146	54
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	8032	61
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	7853	63
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	7567	36
	After British Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

Race 11 British Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 853 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

So then, the start of season 5 for Hit The Bar, could they manage higher than mid-table mediocrity this time round? Pre-season transfer activity was moderate - Dec signed a short-term contract, Wes was offered a permanent contract but with undisclosed wages and the rest of the team signed extensions to their deals, with the exception of Nez who has one year left on his current deal and was rumoured in the tabloids this week to be considering leaving on a 'free' in a year's time. Vasko de Gatley were the opponents for this opening fixture and would be some test for HTB, having taken 6 points off them last season. A squad of six turned up, with Dec missing, which resulted in him picking up the WEDNESDAY WET-LETTUCE award. Long-time supporters of HTB have said they've never seen their team start so well in all their playing history - HTB dominated possession, had several good efforts, and barely let Gatley have a sniff of the ball. It wasn't long before HTB were in front, and incredibly they got stronger and stronger, finishing the half an immense 9-0 to the good. The team-talk again shifted to the possibility of the first ever clean sheet, and this was almost ruined right from the off by a training ground move from Gatley. Disappointingly HTB started to lose motivation further into the second half, and although they were still scoring freely, they began to leak goals at the back. A few defensive howlers meant HTB trooped off with a very comfortable 17-6 win and claimed top-spot in the table.

Squirrel - Another quiet day at the office - his tie was loosened and top button undone after about 5 minutes. Towards the end of the day he was occasionally caught napping but the boss won't be too displeased as profits were good - 7

Wes - A tidy performance with some powerful shots and a few good goals the highlight. Hit the metalwork a couple of times but also found the back of the net too. More of the same next week please - 8

Ricky Organ - When your team scores 17 goals, you've got to be disappointed not to get on the score sheet, even if you are Ricky Organ. Made up for not popping this season's goal scoring cherry with some selfless play and a large number of assists - 7

Dancing - Looked quite fresh for the start of this season and played reasonably well. Only scored 2 though and missed a few sitters but often filled in at the back to good effect - 7

G-Man - It's not often you can score four goals and still feel disappointed but this was perhaps the case. Nonetheless there wasn't much to grumble about here apart from perhaps his insistence on going once more for the elusive lobbed goal - 8

Nez - Some shoddy defending from Gatley perhaps flattered him but it still takes some good play to knock in a double hat trick plus two. An excellent game and even spent some time in his own half.... but this was largely because the law requires it after your team scores a goal. This week's SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

The second game of the season saw Hit The Bar face Millenium, a team who finished strongly last season, but who HTB actually managed to beat last time round, albeit with the aid of a couple of ringers. Unfortunately however, Millenium had gone into administration and had been booted from the league, so instead a friendly was arranged against division 3 outfit, Tin Tec, whatever that means. The crowd were hoping it wasn't going to be one of those friendlies where half-time would bring a rash of substitutions, but it soon became apparent that this wouldn't be an issue, as neither side had any - for HTB, Dec and Nez were absent and Turkish, still injured, collected the LENGTHY LAYOFF LOSER award. A slightly subdued game followed, with HTB initially gaining the upper hand with a slender 2-1 lead at half time. But in the second half they struggled without a sub, and the combination of some sloppy goals, lack of commitment and poor finishing saw HTB lose 9-5. There certainly wasn't much between the teams though.

Squirrel - sporting his new top, this was his worst game for a long time, leaving some to suspect a correlation between the two. He was soon rid of the top, but couldn't get rid of his misfortune in goal, and a combination of deflections, own goals and missed saves would best be forgotten - 5

G-Man - clearly struggled without the sub this week, as he started brightly but faded to a dim glow before finally the lights were out altogether. Made the keeper work and got one past him but tonight wasn't really his night - 6

Wes - another who started well, threw himself about the pitch, and even scored an exhibition goal, but his performance soon took a nose-dive and he let the frustration get the better of him, until finally he just appeared to stop caring - 5

Dancing - looked quite lively at times tonight but he too came unstuck as energy levels plummeted. Combined well with Ricky Organ several times but failed to finish, finally got one goal thanks to a slack pass from Tin Tec and then added a second after wrong-footing the keeper superbly, unfortunately that keeper was Squirrel - 6

Ricky Organ - an alright-ish game but nothing special. Played the simple ball very well tonight and was rewarded for his efforts with two goals for himself. Appeared to suffer the least from the lack of a sub but couldn't do enough to turn the game round in his team's favour. Lack of options see him pick up SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 6

Squirrel 10, Nez 8, G Man 5, Wes 4, Dancing 3, Ricky Organ 2.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
HIT THE BAR	2	2	0	0	27	6	21	0	6
DEVOTE DESIGN WED	2	2	0	0	20	5	15	0	6
RIDERS OF ROHAN	2	1	0	1	17	7	10	0	4
SHERA	2	1	0	1	15	12	3	0	4
ED DYNAMOS	2	1	1	0	6	14	-8	0	3
K F SOLDIERS	2	0	2	0	10	18	-8	0	0
VASKO DE GATLEY	2	0	2	0	10	23	-13	0	0
MILLENIUM	2	0	2	0	0	20	-20	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Not the brightest from the lids but once in full flow has the ability to pile on the pressure and give any late bidders the elbow.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Strangely enough there are less than two weeks until the new season’s game is opened up in the sun. Woo-Hoo, bring it on. Full details will be sent out then, including the additional new rules they are bringing in. Can’t wait.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

NEW Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex Golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

NEW Hit the Bar Top Trumps. Featuring the 24 players to have played for Hit the Bar so far. A snip at £2.50

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Morning, Dancing & Ricky Organ.

Birmingham City
Founded						1875
Turned Professional						1885
Admitted to the League						1892
Previous Names						Small Heath Alliance, Small Heath, Birmingham
Nickname (s)						Blues
Ground						St. Andrews
Capacity						30,009
Previous Grounds						Arthur Street, Muntz Street
Seasons in Each Division
1						52
2						45
3						4
4						0
Trophies
Division 2						1892-93, 1920-21, 1947-48, 1954-55
Division 3						1994-95
League Cup						1963
Auto Windshields / ZDS						1991, 1995
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by the cricket club of Trinity Church in Bordesley as Small Heath Alliance, dropped the alliance bit, and were admitted to the Football league in 1892.
Synopsis - Major Events						Another of those yo-yo clubs that bounced between the top two divisions for the first 90 years of existence, without really threatening.
Synopsis - Recent times						The dawn of the premiership saw them in the old division 3, but they managed to get out and build themselves up in a position where they were promoted to the Premiership two seasons ago, where they are now established.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They were one of the founder members of Division 2. The first British club to play in a European final, where they made the Fair’s Cup final twice in the early 1960’s
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
38	8		5		6			25		23		5		4		10		16		26		48
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		-			-		-		-		-		-		-		-		13^th