Surerandomality

Despite being regarded as the quintessentially English hero, James Bond is half-Scottish (on his father's side) and half-Swiss (on his mother's side).

Teflon was accidentally created in 1938 by chemist Dr Roy J. Plunkett and his colleagues. It was used in the first atom bomb and was kept a military secret until after World War II.

The French philosopher Voltaire allegedly drank in excess of 50 cups of coffee each day.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

St James's Park, Hyde Park, Kensington Gardens, Greenwich Park, Bushy Park, Richmond Park, The Green Park, The Regent's Park.

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

A natural blonde who dyes her hair dark to feign intelligence. However, inspection of her lap reveals a white pussy. And draft plans for world domination. Opposite of an aeroplane blonde.

THIS FORTNIGHT IN THE NEWS

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday. Inspector Mali Govender of the Grahamstown police in the Eastern Cape Province said a fight broke out after the referee gave a yellow warning card to a player in a local match on Saturday. "There was an altercation...and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team." Govender said the coach died on the pitch while the referee fled the scene. Police were confident of making an arrest soon, she added. South Africa has one of the world's highest murder rates with an alarming 47.4 murders per 100,000 people, or eight times the figure for the United States." - As has been said several times before, don’t argue with the ref.

Randall J. Smith, 50, an osteopath in Oregon City, Ore., admits he told a 47-year-old patient that he could heal her pelvic pain with special massages, which progressed from there. "He told her that his medical treatment involved having sex with him," said Oregon senior assistant attorney general Rodney Hopkinson. "We had a good case that the sex occurred many times" over a period of over a year. Since the "treatments" were consensual, prosecutors could not charge Smith with a sex crime; instead, they charged him with billing fraud, since he charged the Oregon Health Plan for the sex sessions. Per his plea agreement, Smith must serve 60 days in jail and 18 months of probation, pay $1100 in fines, and perform 200 hours of community service. He also lost his medical license. - Just what kind of moron would fall for that?

Vernon Blake, an engineer at the Alabama Department of Transportation, was upset that it was an office joke that his boss spent most of his workday playing computer games. Since he was the department's network administrator, Blake installed "spy ware" software on his boss's computer to get evidence; 70 percent of the 414 resulting screen shots taken over a seven-month period showed Solitaire on the boss's screen. Blake sent the evidence to managers. The result: his boss, assistant bureau chief George Dobbs, received a letter from his boss complimenting his "work ethic above reproach" but gently pointing out his game-playing was unacceptable. For his efforts, Blake was fired, ending his 21-year career. His offence? Installing software on department computers "without authority or permission." - Big brother is watching you, no, hold on, big brother has got the sack.

Cambridge University researcher Fiona Hunter, who studied penguins' mating habits for five years, reported that some females apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was done behind the backs of the females' regular mates, and in a few instances, after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a tip. - As has been heard before, this tipping thing, it’s for the birds.

Two market renewal pathfinder schemes have been badly hit by a government decision not to expand a major rail link in the north west of England. The Manchester & Salford, and the Oldham & Rochdale pathfinders could see their plans disrupted by the Department for Transport’s failure to approve phase three of the Metro link system. The Office of the Deputy Prime Minister said it would be working closely with the pathfinders to ensure that the impact on their plans is minimised. - They’ve found the path, they just can’t run trams along them.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Hilary, as it becomes clear where Blondie got it from.

Keep your eyes open for more details of the Surerandomality 2^nd Birthday party on Friday 29^th October.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

However it would appear that he has abandoned hope of getting bandy back as he has started work on a new elastic band ball in an effort to carry on with life, but would still appreciate any help getting back his original one, instead of photos of elastic bands as have been sent to him.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Fantasy Football Back Again. Yes people, it’s back, the biggest fantasy game in the world today rushes towards the onset of a new season, and what a season it promises to be. Early indications are that there will be more entries meaning more money in prizes. There are more players to choose from, and new ways to score points. If you haven’t done already then get all the details and get your team together. The deadline is a little over a week away, so hurry hurry hurry. It has also seemed a bit more like summer this last couple of weeks, as it’s been hot as a muthafucker, but it still been raining like a bastard as well. Then I’ve also been planning some kind of plan for the second Surerandomality Birthday party which is taking place on Friday 29^th October, which as I’m sure you can tell is some way off, but I’m advertising early to try and get as big a crowd as possible. There are no destinations written in stone yet, and suggestions would be appreciated. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 23rd July – After the previous night's exersions, you'd have thought that G Man would be taking it easy, but with it being his leaving do there was no such hope, as it was 1 in the afternoon that it was off to the Woodstock. Next out and about was Hopalong who was meeting up with Mary at the Didsbury. Meanwhile G Man had gone AWOL again, and aggravation was setting in. However by the time Squirrel got back to Chez Woodheys, he had turned up, and with Chris in tow. A taxi followed into Didsbury and the Fletcher Moss to meet up with G Man's ex colleagues, only to find out they had already moved on to the Hogshead. G Man, Chris and Amanda headed there, while Squirrel nipped in to the Dog & Partridge to meet up with Ricky Organ and Turkish and their workmate Dave. The Chemist had gone to the Didsbury to meet Mary and Hopalong, and soon after Hopalong headed off to meet Kelly for a meal. Back at the Dog & Partridge the four were heading to the Hogshead, where quite a few beers passed before they headed to the Slug & Lettuce, leaving G Man and Amanda, with Chris and the others from G Man's work place. In the Slug & Lettuce there was a half hearted attempt to chat up four women they met on the balcony, before they headed back to the Hogshead for Didsbury last orders. After which Ricky Organ, Turkish and Dave headed home, and Squirrel headed to XS. Already there, but not for long were Hopalong and Kelly. Also out was Becky, and at closing time, Squirrel headed back to Malc's and Becky's in Withington.

Saturday 24^th July – There really is absolutely no need to be putting cups of tea in Squirrel's hand when he first wakes up, as he is only going to assume that it is a cup of alcohol. After that shock to the system, Squirrel and Becky headed out for breakfast at Fuel, where it was quickly decided that they were going to be out for the duration. Therefore they got a taxi to the New Union to meet Becky's boyfriend Hassan and his mate Moby (no not that one). Elsewhere Kate was in the Lass o'Growlie with a mainly male contingent celebrating Kev's birthday. And then there were the golfers. Hopalong winning out from the extended golf day that also saw Ricky Organ, The Chemist, Turkish, Singo and a couple of others upsetting the establishment at Altrincham golf course. NOT ONLY THAT BUT THE PLAYER LIST FOR FANTASY FOOTBALL WAS RELEASED. After a couple in the New Union drinking moved on to Spirit for one and then to Manto for an extended stay, as buy one get one free on all drinks isn't the kind of offer than can be passed up easily. For some bizarre reason New York, New York was next, for thankfully a quick drink, before heading to Baa Bar for the shooters part of the day. They briefly lost Hassan for a while here, but did gain Kate, who managed to drag herself away from the all male party. After Hassan turned back up they all headed to the Rembrandt, where at some point in the toilets Becky made a pass at Kate. After another couple of drinks, Kate and Squirrel headed for a food break and then headed to Fallowfield, and the Friendship. At closing time they managed to negotiate the tricky path to XS. As the early hours arrived, Kate departed, and Squirrel headed to the dance floor, for some fairly uncoordinated dancing and a very hazy rest of the evening. At closing time he headed home only to find it was half five and he was still in the Parrswood triangle, and a taxi home was needed.

Sunday 25^th July – Quietness descended, as recovery was undertaken, with only a days worth of sport for company.

Monday 26^th July – No, not quite sure what happened, I really should write this shit on a day by day basis, especially when it's quiet.

Tuesday 27^th July – No, no better than the day above, so it must have been thrilling.

Wednesday 28^th July – That's better, there's nothing like a game of five a side to liven up the week, unfortunately this one didn't.

Thursday 29^th July – However with Ricky Organ, The Chemist, G Man and Hopalong out at the driving range, things were to take a turn for the better today. With the exception of Ricky Organ the rest headed to the Griffin, where they met Kelly, and then as soon as Squirrel had wind of people drinking he was there. After a few pints and as closing time was drawing near, someone that knew Kelly was talking to them, when he had to go to get a taxi. Squirrel couldn't help himself and asked where, and you can imagine his delight when it turned out to be 5th Ave and there was room in the taxi. Yes people it got messy, and it was after three when Squirrel managed to crawl back to Chez Woodheys. However he didn't manage to make it to his bed and was seen in the early hours crashed on his sofa fully clothed and with his sunglasses on (which he hadn't even taken out with him).

Friday 30^th July – Needless to say he wasn't the most with it person the next morning, and needed waking by Amanda to realise his alarm was going off, at which point he lurched to his feet and headed off to work still in last night's clothes bouncing off all the walls in the flat. Once at work he wasn't much use apart from the occasional dose. However getting home, washed and changed seemed to rejuvenate him and he was out again with G Man and Amanda on route to the Dog & Partridge to meet the golfers from the day Hopalong, The Chemist and Ricky Organ, and unsurprisingly to find that Hopalong had won again. They were then joined by Turkish, and at closing they headed to the Hogshead. However at closing time they split up, with Ricky Organ and The Chemist heading back to Chez Kingsway to watch the boxing under card and build up, Turkish heading home, and the others heading to XS, where Hopalong bumped into Kelly in a not entirely amicable way. After toughing it out til closing time, and a food stop it was back to the sleep zone that was Chez Kingsway to try and watch the boxing, where just before the Tyson fight Squirrel had fell asleep and G Man and Amanda had headed home.

Saturday 31^st July – Hopalong and Squirrel were awake just in time to see the repeat of the Tyson fight before heading to the shop to get the paper, but unfortunately they didn't have any papers so it was off to the next shop, and in that time they thought it would be a good idea to go to the pub, and it was off to the Parrswood to drink and play pool. As has become custom in recent weeks, Squirrel had to find some way of humiliating Hopalong at pool, and this was no exception, with two such instances. First came the down trou, as Hopalong was seven balled, and had to drop his trousers, and then in the last game, he was forced to watch as he lost without having a shot as Squirrel cleared from the break in a 14-11 whupping. Back at Chez Woodheys, there was somewhat of a DIY disaster zone, and so Squirrel got some clothes and showered and changed at Chez Kingsway. Ricky Organ had gone over to Leeds to meet up with Zac, instead of the other way round. Hopalong headed (somewhat unsteadily) to the Bell House to try and sort things out with Kelly. G Man and Amanda headed for food at caffe uno, and Squirrel headed to Ye Olde Cock for a couple of games of pool, before meeting up with them in the Hogshead for a drink. G Man and Amanda headed off home and Squirrel headed to XS, where as well as the regulars, he also met up Morning who was out with friends before being summoned back home by Symon. Which left Squirrel quite happily doing what he normally does on a Saturday before wandering off home and managing to make it through the Parrswood Triangle without any problems.

Sunday 1^st August – Another DIY day saw no water at Chez Woodheys, so Squirrel did the only reasonable thing and went to the Frog & Railway for dinner, and to make use of the facilities. Then the early evening saw Mummy and Daddy G visit, and saw out an unnecessary hole in the kitchen wall. Where did the weekend go.

Monday 2^nd August – The lack of water and anything resembling a kitchen saw G Man and Amanda both off work, and in G Man's case delaying the nightmare of working the week for Squirrel.

Tuesday 3^rd August – G Man started work for Squirrel, and therefore there was the hitherto unseen sight of him leaving the house at 7am. And a nine hour day.

Wednesday 4^th August – Five a side for a few, but an already injured G Man picked up a neck injury as well after been sat on by Amanda.

Thursday 5^th August – G Man, Hopalong & The Chemist were planning to head for the driving range, and then the pub, but that was scuppered by the stormy weather, and so it was another quiet week night.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Steve – The reason I didn’t see it, was because it didn’t have any music playing.

Squirrel text message - I'm with Becky, we're just going to the village. You coming out?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 6^th August – It's a Friday, which means it will get messy, there will be drinks in Didsbury, and people will end up in XS. G Man has been given the invite to go wind surfing in Scotland, and there has been talk of weekend (arts & Craft) festivals, but drinking is likely to prevail.

Saturday 7^th August – Like Saturday will get any better. Despite protestations to the contrary, it's likely to be another long day, followed by the obligatory messy night.

Sunday 8^th August – Followed by the inevitable rehabilitation exercise, which will be eased now that the football season has started, and it's the charity Shield today.

Monday 9th – Tuesday 10^th August – More football on the horizon, which can only really mean more pub time.

Saturday 14^th August – DEADLINE DAY FOR THE FANTASY FOOTBALL ENTRIES HAVE TO BE WITH ME BY 12.45 THIS AFTERNOON. Hold on you said the premiership started in 7 days a week ago. And here it is, if ever there was an excuse for drinking it's the first day of the premiership season. Two live games top and tail the afternoon.

Thursday 19^th August – Take it easy, it's nearly another weekend, and besides I’ve got to write this shit.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

My eyes hurt, such is the appalling level of handwriting, content and grammar that I’ve been subjected to this fortnight. A couple of things. 1. When writing, please use block capitals. 2. When typing, use a fucking spell checker! 3. Make sense, because I don’t understand a single word most of you have just said. The only reason I’m sane now is that due to the hot weather Peaches and Angela have taken to wearing just bikinis around the office, which is nice!

First up is a Prunella Frost, from Ulan Bator, Mongolia, who has sent the following message pinned to a Yak, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. Let me tell you, if you lived here, then you’d really have something to complain about." That’s as the case may be, but I don’t, so fuck off.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes Ricardo Enriques, from Sevilla, Spain, who offers this, “¿Obtuvo usted un cepillo de dientes? Vamos a Londres. ¿Oye usted eso, Doug? ¡Vengo a Londres! ¡Usted me muestra para cómo controlar una tierra virgen que jode a gitano y yo lo mostraré para cómo controlar un loco, gángster de puerco-alimentando! ¿Demasiado apretado? ¡Usted podría aterrizar un chorro enorme que jode en eso! Estos son sus últimas palabras, así que los hacen una oración. Estaba en un ángulo chistoso. Era dos minutos hace cinco minutos. Los asientos y un volante.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile the following letter from a Bradley Pinkin, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which arrived with a few dubious stains on, has made it’s way on to these pages, “I don’t know what to do I think I'm getting laughed at. I started by having this lump on my fore head a couple months ago. it gradually grew and grew and now is the size of a large carrot. it seems like its a penis forming and I don’t want to go to the doctor just in case they laugh. I am now afraid that it might get infected because I can’t wash it properly. sometimes white liquid seeps out of it . I can’t go out in public as its too embarrassing when I spurt everywhere.” Yes, but what about the thing on your forehead?

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. They issue a top ten each year, but also keep a record of numerous fools that don't make the top ten. Each issue, I’ll give you two examples of people who really don't deserve to be alive.

A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep after she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant quarry near Durham. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," a neighbour told reporters. Her husband is being comforted by friends.

At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel. The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapour out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker. A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapour explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away. Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He could only have been about three people behind Andrea as they got off the plane, but that was as close as he got as as soon as they stepped on to the runway they were led off individually by a member of staff. A stern faced man, again with no discernable feature, nothing to make him stand out, led him to a nearby building. Once they entered the building, they immediately turned left and walked along a plush carpeted, picture lined corridor, which was all bathed in that bright light. It hurt his eyes again, as he had only just got used to the dark on the runway after coming off the plane, and found himself scrambling in his pocket for his sunglasses again.

They turned right suddenly, and then quickly right into a stairwell, and up four flights of stairs. At the top they came out of the stairwell and turned right and then left again, before his escort stopped suddenly. The escort pushed a button on the wall that he’d not previously seen, and a door swung open.

“This is your room,” the escort started, “Everything you need to live normally will be found in this room. The bathroom has been furnished with your usual brands of toiletries, and you will find a selection of clothes in your size in the wardrobes and drawers. There are hot drink making facilities, and a mini fridge with a selection of drinks in. You will also find some snack foods in the cupboard above the fridge. Guidelines for your stay here, and a map of the complex are on the back of this door. The doors are locked automatically from 11pm to 6.30am, and you really don’t want to be found outside your room during these times. The locks can only be overridden by one person, and as he is in charge of matters here, he would not take kindly to being disturbed.”

With that the escort turned and walked away leaving him at the door to the room. He stepped inside, and closed the door behind him, and sure enough on the back of the door was a quite detailed A3 map, and a number of A4 instruction sheets. To his left was a small area, that couldn’t quite be considered a kitchenette, but contained, the items described. He wandered over, and found a selection of coffees, teas, and malted drinks, along with sugar, and milk and cream . He opened the fridge, and was pleasantly surprised to find it stocked with numerous bottles of Pepsi, and cans of Stella. However he also shuddered as he thought just how much was known about him.

To his right there was a door, which led into the bathroom, and he had a quick look to find it well stocked with any toiletries he could think of using, and a few that he wouldn’t have. The rest of the room had a large wardrobe in the corner and a chest of drawers next to it, and then next to that a desk, with a great array of stationery and what looked to be a comfy chair. Then there was a big, freshly made bed, and a small cabinet next to it, with an alarm clock on. He looked around again, and noticed that it was the only piece of electrical equipment in the room apart from the fridge. There was no TV, and no telephone for that matter either. He looked around the room and found that there were power points elsewhere in the room, and a network port, but no phone port.

He set his alarm, undressed and turned the light off. He got onto the bed and slept, he’d check everything else out in the morning.

The Foreigner. Steven Seagal is back as an agent of some type in this somewhat confusing tale of death, destruction and double cross. Now it has been said that Seagal films lack plot, however this has gone the other way and just confuses the fuck out of you. Still, the normal array of punch ups and shootings to keep fans happy in their confusion. 3/5

Half Past Dead. Another Seagal film, in which he’s an FBI agent deep undercover doing time in the new Alcatraz. Contrived coincidence sees, the first execution taking place, of a man who knows where $200m worth of gold is hidden, and a crack team of ex agents have taken over the prison, to kidnap him to get the gold, but Seagal happens to be there, as the soon to be executed prisoner’s last wish was to talk to someone who had been “half past dead” as Seagal had after been shot, and then flat lined. Cue Seagal saving the day amidst much shooting and silliness. Great fun. 4/5

In passing I have to mention Above Suspicion which was on the other night starring Christopher Reeve. The summary said it all that he played a cop that got paralysed in the course of duty, which left you wondering whether it was going to be part fiction part documentary or not. However it was shot pre spacker days, and therefore would have proved a great training ground for him when he had his accident.

Situated to the north east of the town of Coalville, just off the B588 road to Shepshed, and landscaped to be hidden from view is the Cistercian Abbey of Mount Saint Bernard. Founded in the early 19^th century, it was one of the first catholic abbeys founded in the country since the reformation.

Hidden from view on the approach to the buildings, by the landscaped drive and trees, you have no idea of the scale of the buildings until you pull into the car park, virtually next to the buildings.

There are extensive grounds, housing a large church, plus all the buildings and farm lands required for the day to day life of the monks housed here.

The large striking church is laid out in the traditional ancient style, with long north and south aisles, and short east and west arms, so that it forms the shape of a cross. The plans were drawn up by Augustus Welby Pugin, and work was started in 1844, at which time the west nave was built under his supervision. The East nave, tower and transepts were added from 1935-1939 under the supervision of MR. F.J. Bradford. In the last of these years the original west nave was renovated. The church itself has a number of monuments both inside and out to those people and families, who over the years have contributed, and dedicated themselves to the Cistercian order.

To the east of the church is Calvary walk, which along it houses the chapel of the Holy Sepulchre, which was moved to it’s current location, brick by brick by the monks in 1955, from it’s previous location in the woods, near to the rocks of High Caderman, where it had stood derelict for a number of year. At the summit of the walk stands a large crucifix and two attendant figures, which look out over the abbey and it’s grounds.

Occasionally visitors may be invited by the monks (men only) to look around the rest of the abbey’s buildings, and to worship in the church.

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1981 – MTV starts with Buggles – Video killed the radio star, as the first video

Not only that, but there’s no real meat on them either, it’s like eating celery.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Writers of false or exaggerated accounts of afflictions and privitations. Professional begging letter writers.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, On my normal journey to work from Heaton Mersey to Albert Square I pass 99 pubs / clubs. The winner is an Angry Anderson, from Adelaide, Australia who wins a gallon of beer. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, On my normal journey home from work (on the 50 / 23), how many pubs / clubs do I pass that I can see. Note the word see, this will include those on side streets, not just those that I actually pass. First out of the hat on Wednesday 18th wins another gallon of beer.

JOKES

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it. "Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad. "But what about the 10,000 dollars?" "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have? Palm Sunday!

This little boy heard some noises coming from his parent’s room, so he peeked in, and left. The next day the same thing happened, so this time he waited. When his mom came out he said," momma I'm confused about something." She said what is it son? Well the past few days I've heard noises coming from your room, and when I open the door all I see is you on top of daddy. “What are you doing?' Well son your daddy is a little over weight and the only way he can lose it is if I get on top of him and jump up and down. But momma that doesn't do any good when the neighbour comes right over and blows him right back up!

This guy walks into a bar and sees a pot of gold sitting in front of a horse. He asks the bartender why there's a pot of gold sitting in front of him. He replies if you can make him laugh, you'll get the pot of gold. The guy walks over to the horse, whispers something in his ear, and the horse bursts out laughing. The guy gets his pot of gold and walks out. Like a year later, the same guy comes back and finds a pot of gold sitting in front of a horse. The guy asks the bartender why there's a pot of gold sitting in front of this horse? And he says if you can make him cry, you'll get the pot of gold. The guy goes up to the horse does something, and the horse just began bawling. As the guy is walking out with his pot of gold, the bartender asks "how do you make the horse laugh and cry?" Well says the guy, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, the second time I showed him!

One day, a business man went to Japan to meet with the CEO's of his corporation. After the long flight over, he was extremely horny, and since he never slept with a Japanese woman before, he couldn't wait to find a girl and get busy! He finally met this beautiful, exotic Japanese girl in a bar. After a few drinks they were both drunk and horny. He brought her to his hotel room and they started having sex. During the whole time they were having sex, the girl kept screaming and yelling in Japanese, " Shi wei!!!, Shi wei!!!" The business man thought, "Shi wei? That must mean I'm doing great or something! I'll have to remember that for tomorrow’s golf game with the CEO's." The next day, he awoke to find the girl had left. The man wondered why she left so abruptly as he got ready for his golf game. During the game, he played terribly until finally he hit a hole-in-one. The man jumped for joy shouting, "Shi wei!! Shi wei!!!" The Japanese CEO's looked at each other confused and said, "Wrong hole? What does he mean wrong hole?!?"

This guy had car trouble. He stopped at this farmer's house, may I spend the night at your house, and I live over 200 miles away. The farmer replied, I don't know why not. Well, they talked for a few hours, and then they went too bed. There was only one bed, so he slept on the other side of the farmer, the farmer fell asleep. The woman and he started talking, and she said, my husband is a sound sleeper, and I need some good sex. Do you want it, Ya, sure. So they did it,. They did it about three more times, and they were getting ready for the fourth, I can't tell if he is asleep. She said pull a hair out of his ass, so he did. After that ever time they did it he pulled a hair out of the farmer's ass. After about the fifth time he was pulling a hair out of the farmer's ass. The farmer jumped up, and said, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but don't use my ass as a score board.

A man gets on to a bus, he sits down and notices there is a nun sitting next to him he asks her "Will you have sex with me because I've never had sex with a nun before?" She yells "NO" and slaps him. Then she gets off the bus. When it comes to the mans bus stop as he's getting off the bus the bus driver says to him "If you wanna get that nun all you have to do is go to the graveyard at midnight and tell her you're god and you'll grant her three wishes if she'll screw you." The man goes to the graveyard dressed as god at midnight and he sees the nun and he says he'll grant her three wishes if she'll screw him. She agrees but only if he does her in the butt because she doesn't want to lose her virginity. When they get done he takes off his mask and says "Ha! I'm not god I'm the man from the bus" Then the nun takes her mask off and says "Ha! I'm not the nun I'm the bus driver!"

What would you call a man with a beard and hat standing on the side of the road with his arm up the ass of a horse? An Amish mechanic

There are 3 guys driving through the country and their car breaks down. They are walking through the field until they come to a farmhouse. They knock on the door and an old man answers the door. They ask if they could stay the night and the old man said, “you can stay the night, just as long as you guys don’t fuck my daughter." The men promise not to. So during the night one of them wakes up and wonders if the daughter is hot, so he goes and fucks the daughter and comes back and goes to sleep. Then the second man wakes up and goes and fucks the daughter too. Then the third man goes and fucks the daughter also. The next day the old man gets up at 6 a.m. and sends each of the men to a different corner and tells them to pick different fruits. He went to the first man and pointed a rifle to his head and said, “I know you fucked my daughter so you have two choices either start shoving those grapes up your ass or get shot. The first man starts shoving grapes up his ass. Then the old man went to the second man and said the same thing except he had to shove oranges up his ass. So, the second does but is laughing, and the old man asked why he was laughing and if he felt pain from the oranges. The man said it did hurt but that’s not why he was laughing. Then the old man asked why he was laughing and the man said that it was because his friend was picking watermelons.

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes – ZTT ZTAS3 – Written by Pedro Gill, Holly Johnson & Mark O’Toole

Made up of Holly Johnson, Paul Rutherford, Mark O’Toole, Pedro Gill, and Brian Nash, FGTH, with some slick marketing took 1984 by storm, with this the second of three consecutive number 1’s with their first three singles. Coming in at number 1, it spent 9 weeks at the top in a 21 week run on the charts, and brought remixes to the fore as a means of selling more records.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John - You're The One That I Want – RSO 006 - Written by the Gibb Brothers

Pairing the country based Aussie ONJ with the Actor John Travolta in Grease led to this, and then Summer Nights just afterwards to make them the most successful duo on average in chart history. Hitting the top in it’s fifth week on the charts it stayed at number one for nine weeks in a 26 week stay on the chart, and remains the scourge of many a cheesy disco.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

2. Surfaris – Wipeout. Quality instrumental track, with demented laughing at the start.

6. Style Council – A Solid Bond in Your Heart. Great music, great words, great song.

8. Psychedelic Furs – Pretty In Pink. Another 80’s film soundtrack song, and a classic.

10. Nirvana – Smells like Teen Spirit. After three years of raving, brought rock back to me.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight. Ultimate Northern Soul Album, The Scissor Sisters Album, Moby & Public Enemy – Fuck War, make Peace.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

The new season is nearly upon us. Entry forms, and all the details are available from all good stockists, so what the fuck are you doing staring at this space. Get your teams together and get them sent in along with the £10 entry fee. Not only that, but get all your friends, family, and work colleagues involved. The more people there are then the more the prize fund will be. Even get you pets to enter, after all they’re bound to do better then Baby G aren’t they.

WACKY RACES

Two races after the pit stops and there’s still no discernable change in the table. Can the gambles pay off? Who knows, and there’s also a three week break in the calendar, which handily coincides with the opening of the Fantasy football, so while your sat round twiddling your thumbs waiting for the next race, get your thinking caps on and enter a fantasy football team.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	9208	83
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	9100	81
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	9060	65
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	9017	60
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	8832	61
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	8710	67
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	8419	39
	After German Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

Race 11 British Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 831 points

Race 12 German Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 890 points

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

New opposition were on the cards this week, namely Devote Design Wed, who were also unbeaten so far this season. Not much was known about these boys, and their website www.devotedesign.co.uk didn't reveal much, apart from that they were a small Stockport outfit, famous for designing the prolific Globe takeaway logo, but with a rather disappointing company slogan: "why not call, we don't bite". They obviously saved all their aggression for after work, as HTB found themselves playing one of their most physical games to date. There wasn't much between the two sides in the first half, and goals were traded with the score 4 apiece at half time. Things weren't being helped either by the inept ref who picked up the SHORTSIGHTED SHIRTLIFTER award and who tended to give decisions based not on the rules of the games, but on who shouted at him the loudest. The start of the second half saw HTB needlessly give away two sloppy goals and play most of the second half playing catch-up. Fortunately, DDW swapped their keeper mid-way through the half, with the new guy having as much respect for boundaries as the Israelis. A converted penalty quickly followed and the deficit was soon down to one. Minutes from time, the keeper once again came flying out, and a second penalty was banged in. At 9-9, a tense final minute was played out, but the ref's whistle ended it before HTB could get the win they were craving. A big win for Riders of Rohan saw HTB slip to second, and share a tally of 7 points with 3 other teams.

Squirrel - It's typical, you wait ages for a decent contender for Surerandomality Starman to come along, and two come along at once. An outstanding game with a tremendous amount of one-on-one saves, thanks to some excellent positioning and thicker-than-average legs. No doubt that he kept his side in the game and was unlucky not to get Starman - 9

Wes - This was also an exceptional performance. The accuracy and power of his shooting was top notch tonight and Beckham himself could learn something by watching the composure with which he tucked away the two penalties. Notched up 7 of the 9 goals and battled all night long. This week's SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 9

Dancing - A determined performance with mixed results. Got himself in a position to score a few times but couldn't find the target. Made some good tackles but was also guilty of being beaten on occasion. A reasonable game - 7

Nez - A very subdued performance by his standards and was perhaps slowed down by his bushy hair. Never really got into the game although at times his gritty tackling was a real asset to the team. Unusually didn't get on the score sheet, and didn't force that many saves either, perhaps the pressure of reaching his ton is taking it's toll - 6

G-Man - Inconsistency was the theme this week - at times he played well, tackled brilliantly and played some good passes, but at others he lost possession in dangerous areas and he even tried to lob the ball into an open goal, needless to say he missed. Got one goal but should have had more - 7

Ricky Organ - A pretty bog-standard game from the hairy-armed one. The notable highlight was that he somehow managed to score a direct free-kick, with DDW not realising that the easy way to stop such goals is to stand in front of the ball. He also covered the pitch to good effect although sometimes left behind a hole at the back - 7

Tonight's opposition were KF Soldiers, a team that HTB had despatched with ease at the end of last season. A slight concern was the number of injuries in HTB's squad, with only 5 being passed fit to play, and the media blaming it on the lack of an inter-season break. The most recent casualty was G-Man, who picked up the G-FOR-GAY-MAN GAMMY-TOE award. But on the plus side, HTB logged a new record crowd attendance, with the official figure standing at 00,001. HTB started the game with ruthless efficiency, with the aim being to snuff out all of KF Soldiers' hopes of a win before they got too knackered. It wasn't long before HTB were running the show, with a flurry of goals resulting, and a clean sheet at half time looking likely. Unfortunately, Dancing then suffered an acute attack of the 'Boots' and gifted KFS a goal, making the half-time score a still-impressive 12-1. More of the same followed in the second half, but perhaps the crowd had already seen the best of HTB (ask her if you want), because more mistakes were being made and the players were getting greedy for goals. A comfortable stroll to the finish saw a final score of 18-2, or if you're a retarded ref, 18-3, with every outfield player getting at least a hat-trick. With both Shera and Riders of Rohan losing, HTB stormed back to the top of the league, comfortably ahead of Devote Design Wednesday on goal difference. New boys Woodsmoor Wanderers could be one to watch for, as they beat Shera by a punishing 25-4.

Squirrel - After a hectic week last week, a more leisurely time between the sticks was in order. The few times he was called upon, he served his team well, and couldn't be held responsible for the goals conceded. Did make some uncharacteristic distribution errors but all in all a good game and will be proud of breaking the fewest-goals-conceded-in-a-game record - 7

Dancing - In the absence of G-Man, he found himself worryingly responsible for the defence. However, he soon got into the swing of things and put in a few good last-ditch blocks, but was eventually responsible for KFS breaking their duck. Some late efforts up front took his tally for the night to three, but fitness appeared to be lacking and by the end he was f*cked - 7

Ricky Organ - Did well not to let the tabloid rumours about a possible transfer down south affect his performance. His reading of the game continues to be a strong suit and was involved in many of HTBs intricate passing moves. Bagged himself a double-brace and was full of running tonight. HTB will be keen to hang on to him - 7

Wes - Started off at an impressive pace and soon opened up his scoring account. Made three further deposits during the match and added a strong physical presence to HTB's team. Became increasingly miserly with the sharing of possession as the game went on though, and often tried to beat about 3 players too many. However, he was the main reason for the record crowd - 7

Nez - The scouse scamp was looking to make amends for last week's showing and also break the 100 goals barrier. His quality soon shone through this week and before long the 100 was up. Finished the game 105 not out and can be proud of the way he tucked his goals away. Didn't track back as often as he should, but what's new? Still this week's SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Nez 15, Wes 15, Squirrel 10, Ricky Organ 7, Dancing 6, G Man 6.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
HIT THE BAR	4	3	0	1	54	18	36	0	10
DEVOTE DESIGN WED	4	3	0	1	34	17	17	0	10
RIDERS OF ROHAN	4	2	1	1	39	20	19	0	7
SHERA	4	2	1	1	33	41	-8	0	7
ED DYNAMOS	4	2	2	0	19	19	0	0	6
WOODSMOOR WANDERERS	4	1	3	0	25	34	-9	0	3
VASKO DE GATLEY	4	1	3	0	24	44	-20	0	3
K F SOLDIERS	4	0	4	0	16	51	-35	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Quick from the lids and packs enough early pace to dominate the race. If he clears the first bend in pole position he'll stay there.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

A False start was not a good idea at the ancient Olympics. Officials called alytes, would whip offending runners as punishment.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

NEW Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex Golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

NEW Hit the Bar Top Trumps. Featuring the 24 players to have played for Hit the Bar so far. A snip at £2.50

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Blondie, Dancing & Seeks.

Middlesbrough
Founded						1876
Turned Professional						1889
Admitted to the League						1899
Previous Names						None
Nickname (s)						Boro
Ground						Riverside Stadium
Capacity						35,120
Previous Grounds						Old Archery Ground, Breckon Hill, Linthorpe Road, Ayresome Park
Seasons in Each Division
1						54
2						37
3						2
4						0
Trophies
Division 2						1926-27, 1928-29, 1973-74, 1994-95
League Cup						2004
Anglo Scottish Cup						1976
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by members of the Middlesbrough Cricket Club in 1876, they played in the north east leagues, and went pro in 1889, but were beaten to the football league by the now defunct Middlesbrough Ironopolis club, but became a member of the second division in 1899.
Synopsis - Major Events						Seen as one of the big North East clubs, and have spent more years in the top flight than not, but with little success and overall the feeling of a yo-yo club. Failed to win a major trophy until this year, and were generally unspectacular.
Synopsis - Recent times						After nearly going bust in the late eighties they were taken over by a new chairman and have moved to a new plush stadium. Have been in the Premiership most of the time but have also been relegated a couple of times, including when they were deducted points for not having enough fit players against Blackburn.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Have the uneviteable record of finishing in the last two of every competition they entered in the 1996-97 season, finishing as runners up in both the FA Cup and the League cup, and finishing second from bottom in the Premiership. Also went on to lose the League cup final the following year and so set another unwanted hat trick.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
308	60		46		48			219		193		32		46		76		142		233		368
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
21^st		-		-			12^th		19^th		-		9^th		12^th		14^th		12^th		11^th