Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Mexico's Attorney General Rafael Macedo says that several staffers in his office, including himself, have been implanted with a computer chip that allow them access to high-security computer files in an effort to fight crime. Further, he says, the chip, which is implanted in his arm, allows him to be tracked, which will protect him from kidnapers. "I can be located at any moment wherever I am," Macedo says, adding that the chip "is irremovable." - Unfortunately his arm might not be.

According to a Seattle Times feature, Robert Shields, 77, of Dayton, Wash., is the author of perhaps the longest personal diary in history nearly 38 million words on paper stored in 81 cardboard boxes covering the previous 24 years, in five-minute segments. Example: July 25, 1993, 7 a.m.: "I cleaned out the tub and scraped my feet with my fingernails to remove layers of dead skin." 7:05 a.m.: "Passed a large, firm stool, and a pint of urine. Used 5 sheets of paper." - Now you can see where I got the idea for Surerandomality from after all.

On Sunday 9^th May, 15 Capita Hartshead employees took part in the race for life, the annual five km women only race that takes place across the country to raise money for cancer research UK. The Sheffield team raised £1176. - As you can see, another fun publication

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Hopalong, for a series and words and actions this fortnight.

Keep your eyes open for more details of the Surerandomality 2^nd Birthday party on Friday 29^th October.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over two months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

However it would appear that he has abandoned hope of getting bandy back as he has started work on a new elastic band ball in an effort to carry on with life, but would still appreciate any help getting back his original one, instead of photos of elastic bands as have been sent to him.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality James Brown is Dead. God the last day has been a nightmare as it suddenly dawned that to send this out on time I’d have to get it done a lot earlier than normal cos of business commitments. Cue me working like a busy little bastard. As you receive this, I’m not actually in the office to send it, just using the wonders of modern technology. Elsewhere my little business trip has caused some delays on the updating of the web site, as has the administration required to set up the fantasy football (not to mention the hours spent in the pub). You may also notice a few of the sections are a little light, this is due to the sudden time restraints. Then I’ve also been planning some kind of plan for the second Surerandomality Birthday party which is taking place on Friday 29^th October, which as I’m sure you can tell is some way off, but I’m advertising early to try and get as big a crowd as possible. There are no destinations written in stone yet, and suggestions would be appreciated. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 6^th August – First out of the blocks were G Man and Amanda, who were joined by Hopalong in the Griffin early doors, and after a couple they moved on to the Frog & Railway, where they were joined by Squirrel, after some food and a few more beers it was across to the Crown, so that Hopalong could speak to Kelly. On the exit from the Crown, G Man and Amanda managed to sneak off home, leaving Hopalong and Squirrel to go to the Dog & Partridge for some free pool. In there they met up with some randoms and headed to XS, where the evening was spent drinking a great deal and dancing even more, before getting a taxi home.

Saturday 7^th August – G Man and Amanda were again the first ones out, this time heading to Castlefield for the free festival that was there, however there wasn’t a great deal happening early on, and they tired of it quickly and headed to Didsbury, and the Didsbury to sit outside in the nice weather. Saturday afternoon drinking tempted Squirrel out to join them. Elsewhere Dancing, Ricky Organ and the Chemist were starting off a new trend on the pay 7 Play course at Burnage Rugby Club. Once they had finished, Dancing was the first to join those already at the Didsbury, and then a little bit later they were joined by Ricky Organ. The next destination couldn’t have been further away and still in Didsbury if they had tried. There really is absolutely positively no fucking need to be walking from the Didsbury to the Slug & Lettuce on a hot day like that at all. Once there Dancing met up with Alison and some of her friends, before heading off into town to meet up with Dec and a few others. G Man and Amanda headed for a curry and then home, leaving Ricky Organ and Squirrel drinking in Didsbury, where they hit the Pear Tree and then the Hogshead. Meanwhile back in Castlefield, things had warmed up, and both Seeks, and Morning (though separately) were both feeling the effects of drinking all day. Closing time in Didsbury saw Ricky Organ head off home, and Squirrel head to XS. The usual drinking and dancing followed, before a bizarre taxi ride home that saw drop offs in Reddish and Droylsden, before stopping in Heaton Mersey.

Sunday 8^th August – Eventually there was movement, and with Amanda in Leeds for the day, Squirrel and G Man headed over to Chez Kingsway for the football, and then with Ricky Organ, The Chemist and Hopalong, headed to the pay and play again.

Monday 9th August – Hopalong had gone to the Crown to see Kelly and was wandering out when he heard Squirrel coughing, and collared him to go into the Frog & Railway. They also managed to rope in G Man and Amanda, and a few beers and some pool followed before Hopalong headed to East to meet Kelly and everyone else went home

Wednesday 11^th August – While most people were playing football, Hopalong and G Man were watching it in the Clocktower, and when it was over it was over to O’Neill’s, where Amanda went to meet them, but in the role of taxi driver, as she took them to 5^th Ave. After caning it in 5^th Ave, G Man and Hopalong came out and headed to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), where an hour of gambling saw losses, before a very late homecoming.

Thursday 12^th August – A night out like that will lead to bad mornings, and this was no exception, with Hopalong throwing a sickie, and then once recovered he met G Man for some pay and play.

Friday 13^th August – Two days are more convincing than one, and therefore it was dinner when Hopalong and G Man met Squirrel for a drink at Simple in the City, after work Squirrel met them at Waxy O’Connor’s where they had been joined by Amanda. Then it was back to Heaton Mersey, with Squirrel and Hopalong going straight to the Dog & Partridge to play pool, and G Man and Amanda joined them later, before heading into Didsbury and Ye Olde Cock, where in a misfortunate occurrence the likes of which only Hopalong could attract, they almost walked into everyone from his work. Closing time saw G Man and Amanda head home, leaving Hopalong and Squirrel to negotiate the journey to XS. The first bus they saw didn’t help, as the driver was in fighting mode and didn’t want to go anywhere. Once there they met up with the usual suspects, before Kelly and Jodie arrived. The usual drinking and dancing followed, before a taxi back to Heaton Mersey, via a bizarre garage shopping trip.

Saturday 14^th August – First day of the season saw an early start with Hopalong in the Bell House waiting for G Man and Squirrel to come and meet him. Then it was off to Ye Olde Cock, where apart from a twenty second stop, everyone else had wimped out of the start of season all dayer with a variety of piss poor excuses. Late afternoon saw Amanda join them, before they headed to Sangam 2 for a curry. Then it was into the Famous Crown, and at closing time, it was everyone going home, with the exception of Squirrel, who somewhat unsurprisingly headed to XS, to do the usual drinking and dancing thing before managing to get home through the Parrswood triangle without any major stoppages.

Sunday 15^th August – Once again G Man and Squirrel headed to Chez Kingsway to watch the footie, and yet again golf followed, with G Man heading home, but with Dickie Boy joining in. A couple of drinks followed before most people headed home, and Hopalong headed to the Dog & Partridge to meet Kelly and family for a disco.

Tuesday 17^th August – A lunchtime drink for Kate and Squirrel in the Slug & Lettuce, let to evening drinking in the Cornerhouse, where they were briefly joined by Kev. The driving range saw G Man, The Chemist and Hopalong there to see Squirrel’s introduction to golf, however he had now moved on to Kro2 with Kate for another one of those 5 hour quiet drink sessions.

Wednesday 18^th August – G Man and The Chemist hit the pay and play again in the afternoon, whereas it was the usual football playing in the evening, but that wasn’t good.

Thursday 19^th August – G Man was back at pay and play, but this time with Nez and Ricky Organ joining him. Squirrel was down in Maidstone having a few drinks.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Hopalong – Do you want to get down on your hands and knees and chew grass if you’re going to be a cow all night?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 20^th August – G Man and Amanda are heading to Essex for the weekend, meanwhile Squirrel is returning from Maidstone, and there might not be a lot of action out and about.

Saturday 21st August – Dec has a bbq on somewhere in Didsbury, and the usual suspects have been invited, which means that things could get messy.

Monday 23rd – Tuesday 24^th August – Taking it easy, watching football, and the such.

Thursday 26th August – No it’s not a 5^th Ave Friday, it’s the day before payday.

Friday 27^th August – Payday, and the potential for a very messy bank holiday weekend.

Saturday 28^th August – Which may well involve going out for Hopalong’s birthday.

Sunday 29^th August – Tuesday 31^st August – With it being a bank holiday it could mean a double golfing session, plus the usual football watching, and a local pub and a disco?

Thursday 2^nd September – Blondie finally gets round to having her leaving do, which leaves a lot of potential for things to get very messy, and late issues next time.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Hopalong, for a 2 days are more convincing than one routine only to bump into people from work in the pub.

Chump of the Fortnight – The Chemist, for his Billy Bottler routine at the last hole.

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

Very rushed, so not a lot of letters in, there have been quite a few so may have to have a bumper letters section next time. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Helen Jones, from Cardiff, who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. What have we done to deserve this?" You signed up.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes Arjen Van Der Van, from The Hague, Holland, who chunters on as such, “Kreeg u een tandenborstel? Wij gaan naar Londen. Hoort u dat, Doug? Ik kom naar Londen! U toont mij hoe te controleren een wilde klerezigeuner en ik u zal tonen hoe een onevenwichtig, zwijn-voert gangster te controleren! Te strak? U zou een jumbo kunnen landen die straalvliegtuig in dat neukt! Deze zijn je laatste woorden, bijgevolg aan hen een gebed maakt. Het was aan een grappige hoek. Het was twee minuten vijf minuten geleden. Stoelen en een stuurwiel. Kreeg u een tandenborstel? Wij gaan naar Londen. Hoort u dat, Doug? Ik kom naar Londen! U toont mij hoe te controleren een wilde klerezigeuner en ik u zal tonen hoe een onevenwichtig, zwijn-voert gangster te controleren! Te strak? U zou een jumbo kunnen landen die straalvliegtuig in dat neukt! Deze zijn je laatste woorden, bijgevolg aan hen een gebed maakt. Het was aan een grappige hoek. Het was twee minuten vijf minuten geleden. Stoelen en een stuurwiel.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said, but I’m quite sure that’s it’s probably double Dutch.

Meanwhile a Kevin Rodriguez-Sanchez from Austin, Texas writes, “I very rarely do any actual work when I'm at work. The guy that was here before me was such a screw up, that I only have to be mediocre to get massive amounts of respect. I'm supposed to be working now, but I just surf the web and play on message boards. I'm going to leave early, too.” Good for you, you lazy bastard.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. They issue a top ten each year, but also keep a record of numerous fools that don't make the top ten. Each issue, I’ll give you two examples of people who really don't deserve to be alive.

(March 1995, Michigan) James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

(2 Aug 1999, Washington) Seattle Police Incident Report: On Saturday morning at 1:55AM, a 19 year old male was urinating off the freeway overpass on Pine Street when he lost his footing and fell approximately 45 feet to his death

THE FICTION FACTORY

He had a somewhat fitful sleep, and when he was woken by his alarm, the bed looked like it had hosted a wrestling match rather than a night’s sleep. He struggled to find his bearings and to find the location of the alarm that was waking him. It took him a few moments to realise just where he was, and when he did he slumped back down onto the bed.

A couple of minutes later he heard his door click, and wondered who was there, but there was no further sound at the door, and he remembered his brief brief from the night before that the doors were on timed locks. He managed to drag himself out of bed, and went into his bathroom. He spent 30 seconds in the shower, dried and sprayed, and went back into the main room to dress. He wasn’t going to bother shaving, as there was no reason to. He threw on some clothes and as he went to put his shoes on he saw the gun on the desktop. It must have been the one from the small of his back, he couldn’t believe he’d just left it lying in plain sight. When he’d got into his room he hadn’t even considered the possibility that it had hidden cameras, but this morning looking at the gun he couldn’t think of anything else. He opened the drawer to the desk and knocked the gun into it, and then headed for the door. If there was a camera he was already done for, but it was best in the drawer if there were any passers by when he opened the door.

He stopped at the door and looked at the map on the back of it, and took thirty seconds to get his bearings and find the route to the dining area before opening the door.

Lying close to the southern border of the county with Northamptonshire (the River Welland), and close to Market Harborough is Great Bowden. Although now overshadowed by it’s large neighbour, this was not always the case, as Great Bowden outdates it’s neighbour by some 600 years, and Market Harborough was originally built in the parish of Great Bowden.

Great Bowden was originally a Saxon settlement, and was the centre of a Saxon royal estate, and was the larger of two Bowden settlements, hence the Great tag. The other Bowden settlement Little Bowden, stands across the river in Northamptonshire. It is in the Domesday Book as Bugedone, which translates as Bucga’s dun, or Hill.

The modern village is now effectively split in two, by the coming of the railways, and had the London and North Western Railway drive through in the 1840’s and the Midland railway in 1853-55, the first of which has now disappeared.

The village church, St. Peter and St. Paul, dates from the 13^th century, but the parish dates from Saxon times.

The village has many old and historic buildings, with the rectory house dating from before the reformation, and belonging to the dean and chapter of Christ Church college, Oxford, for 400 years up to 1926, with the buildings being rebuilt in the reign of Elizabeth I, and restored and added to in the William and Mary, and Georgian periods. The old hall was the Great Bowden manor house, and was a timber framed medieval building, which was rebuilt with stone in the 17^th century.

The village has a large number of buildings dating from the 17^th and 18^th centuries, many of them built using iron stone. The current Great Bowden Hall was built in Victorian times, around the old Britannia Inn, next to the canal tow path.

The village was added to in Victorian times, and today is off the main roads, and stands as a pleasant village, worth taking a look around.

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1974 – Philippe Petit Walks tightrope strung between the twin towers of the World Trade Centre

A Jewish leader asked Jesus, "Good Teacher, what must I do to receive eternal life?"

I’m quite sure that the reply was something along the lines of “Sell your soul to the devil”.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, On my normal journey home from work, I pass 53 pubs / clubs. The winner is an Basil Brusher, from Bedford, Bedfordshire who wins another gallon of beer. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, Who released the song James Brown is Dead? First out of the hat on Wednesday 1st wins the twelve inch single of it.

JOKES

Little red riding hood is going for a walk and her mom says, "little red riding hood, where are you going? Don't you know that the big bad wolf is out there and he will rip off your little red pants, rip off your little red panties and fuck the shit out of you." little red riding hood says, "no he wouldn't, don't worry about me!" so she goes for her walk. then she meets up with the three little pigs and they say, "little red riding hood where are you going, don't you know that the big bad wolf is out there and he will rip off your little red pants and rip off your little red panties and fuck the shit out of you." she said, "no he wouldn’t, don't worry about me!" so she goes on and meets up with the big bad wolf, he says, "little red riding hood don't you know that I am the big bad wolf and I’ll rip off your little red pants and rip off your little red panties and fuck the shit out of you." she says, "no you won’t" and she pulls out a shotgun and rips off her little red pants and rips off her little red panties, spreads her legs and says, "no you are going to eat me like it says in the book!"

There was a man who really cared about his body, he lifted weights and jogged 5 miles everyday. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed he had a beautiful tan all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it, so he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies came strolling along and one looked down and said, "There really is no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean?" The first lady said, "Well, look at that!" When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about it! When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot it and now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!!!!

One day a teacher asks her 2nd grade class to use the word DEFINATELY in a sentence. She calls on one kid and she says, "the sky is definitely blue." The teacher said," no the sky can be orange or red." She calls on another kid. He says, “trees are definitely green." The teacher says, “no trees can be brown or green." She then calls on another kid. He says, “Do farts have lumps?" She says, “No." Then he says, "OK, then I definitely shit my pants!"

A women is having trouble finding a man that she likes. The guys she goes out with always either hurt her, run away, or are bad in bed. So she places a ad in the local newspaper and ask for someone that won't hurt her, won't run away, and is good in bed. So she waits and waits for two weeks. One day someone comes to her door and rings the doorbell. She opens the door to see a man with no arms or legs. He says " Hi I’m Jim, I'm for the ad. " She says tell me about yourself to the man. The man replies " I have no arms so I can't hurt you, I have no legs so I cant run away. " The woman breaks in.." But are you good in bed?? " The man laughs a little the says " Well how do you think I rung the door bell! "

Dirty John is a five year old boy, whom never loses a bet. One day Dirty John and his dad go out hunting, dirty John says to his dad, "You see that tree up the trail? I bet you 10 dollars that on the second branch there is a robin screwing a blue jay." His dad says no way and takes the bet. They walk up the trail and sure enough there is a robin screwing a blue jay. They walk a little further and dirty John says "I bet you 20 dollars that over that hill there is a brown bull screwing a black cow." His dad says no way and takes the bet. They walk over the hill and sure enough there is a brown bull screwing a black cow. The next day dirty John is in his kindergarten class. He has a beautiful natural blond for a teacher. Dirty John is a little rascal that day and has to stay after class. While sitting there he says "Hey teach, I bet you 100 dollars you don't have blond pubic hair." the teacher says John you behave yourself. So John asks the same question. The teacher thinks to herself "John never loses a bet, and I know I will win this bet." So the teacher pulls down her pants and sure enough she has blond pubic hair. So the teacher has to take John to his house and tell his dad what he did. So they walk up to the door and dirty John’s dad comes out. He looks at dirty john and John gives his dad a little shit grin. She explains what he did to his dad. Then his dad replies "OH shit, I bet dirty John 500 dollars that he wouldn’t get your pants down before the end of the day!"

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her in her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her back out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lines...no pulse, no heart rate. The nurse runs into the room. The husband is standing there pulling his pants up and says, "I think she choked."

A lady walks in to a doctor’s office and says doctor I want to brake up with my husband the doctor says why because the sex sucks he cannot get it up. the doctor says well I have an experimental drug its called Viagra, slip it in his dinner and come see me in the morning. so the next morning she comes in and says that was the best sex ever what would happen if I gave him 2 I don't know try it and tell me. so the next morning she comes in and says that was even better what would happen if I gave him the whole bottle I don’t know try it and tell me tomorrow. so two weeks latter a little boy comes in and says are you the doctor that gave my mommy those pills yes why the little boy says my mommy is dead my sister is pregnant my butt hurts and my dad is sitting in the corner saying here kitty kitty kitty

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" "O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender. "A small Coke."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a haemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RANDOM LIST

Mercury is our solar system's innermost planet and is an average of 57,910,000km from the sun during its elliptical orbit.

A year on Mercury lasts for a mere 88 Earth days (the time the little planet takes to make one full orbit of the sun). But because of unusually slow rotation, a day on Mercury passes only once every six months.

The planet has an equatorial radius of 2,439 km and is a third of the size of Earth. Only Pluto is smaller.

Mercury is the solar systems' only planet other in the Earth to have a global magnetic field

1950 Frank McNamara launches the Diners Club card, the world's first charge card.

1958 The Bank of America in California launches the BankAmericard, the world's first credit card (Later known as Visa)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Simon (Peter), Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas (Didymus), Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, Judas Iscariot, Matthias

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Large, metal, adjustable testicles that have to be cranked at least once every eight days.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Elton John and Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart – Rocket ROKN512 – Written by Elton John & Bernie Taupin

After four years of hits and musical success it took this duet with Kiki Dee to secure Elton John his first number one, and it would be another 14 years before he got his first solo number one. This hit the top spot in its fourth week on the chart and stayed at the top for six weeks in a fourteen week chart run. Elton John has gone on to be the third most successful solo chart act in the UK ever after Elvis and Cliff, meanwhile Kiki Dee has gone on to do panto.

Blu Cantrell featuring Sean Paul – Breathe – Arista – Written by a cast of thousands

Hitting number one on it’s first week on the chart, and staying at the top for 4 weeks in a 20 week run on the charts, this collaboration saw the alleged former soft porn star Blu Cantrell link up with Dancehall star Sean Paul. Using the sample lifted from Dre’s What’s the difference? Which in itself had lifted the bassline from a Charles Aznavour song of all things, it was a very close thing as to whether this made it to last year’s Surerandomality album.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Back to the chart theme again, this time the list of the 10 best albums of all time.

1. The Jam – Setting sons – The finest example of Paul Weller’s song writing.

4. The Jam – All Mod Cons – Another masterpiece, that would have been number one if it wasn’t for In the crowd.

6. NWA – Straight Outta Compton – Crazy muthafucker named Ice Cube, and the rap industry is changed forever.

7. Bloodhound Gang – Hooray For Boobies – Crazy album, with something to offend everyone on it.

8. Prodigy – Music for a Jilted Generation – Soundtrack for the dancing generation.

9. Terence Trent D’arby – Introducing the Hardline According to… - Stop laughing! Absolute top album

10. Public Enemy – It takes a nation of Millions to hold us Back – Another ground breaking rap album.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight Led Zeppelin – Four Symbols, Big Daddy Kane – Wrath of Kane, Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

FANTASY FOOTBALL

The new season is here, and aren’t we all glad. As usual the first week threw up some surprises, and the first table is here for the sake of having something here, as there are a couple of issues with it. It is provisional in a couple of ways. 1. I have not seen the actual scores for any of the players myself. Someone has sent me a list "taken" from the website, but I'm unable to get onto it myself. Until such time I do then scores are unconfirmed. 2. Late teams. Penalty to be taken for such still to be decided, and if they were subtle then they might not have been noticed, but some people just can't help themselves.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	The Coffee Grinders	72
2nd	MUP(pet)S	60
3rd	Never Cisse's To Amaze	57
4th	Get in the Box, B1tch	54
5th	Poor Relations	52
6th	Champions Elect	51
7th	Nati	47
8th	Billy Bottlers	43
9th	Boro	42
10th	Hit the Ref	39
11th	It Worked Last Week	38
12th	Woodheys Wanderers	37
13th	Blondie's Bombshells	36
14th	The Third Wheel	35
15th	Wednesday Wannabes Too	35
16th	Mate's Saints	33
17th	Cherokee Hair Ultra Tampons '04-05	33
18th	This Will Get Messy	33
19th	Woodheys Warriors	33
20th	More Russian Gold	30
21st	Counter Attack	29
22nd	Happy Harry's Hotshot Hobos	28
23rd	Kate's Kickers	27
24th	Shhoooooottt!!! Yet Again	26
25th	Wednesday Wannabes	25
26th	Spank Me Frankie	24
27th	Turkish Delights	24
28th	Wenger's Nightmare	24
29th	Who Needs Henry, We've Got Shipperley	24
30th	Fame and Fortune	22
31st	Seek'em and Destroy	22
32nd	Leeds are Back (Sorta)	19
33rd	Fulchester United Reserves	15
34th	Amy's XI	6
	Table upto and Including 15th August

WACKY RACES

Only five races left to go, and there is a first time race winner as the 00 machine picks up it’s first ever win, including through 30 episodes of wacky races. This only leaves the Bouldermobile to win a race this season.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	10021	88
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	9927	87
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	9889	73
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	9826	64
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	9561	63
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	9514	70
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	9263	49
	After Hungarian Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

Race 11 British Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 831 points

Race 12 German Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 890 points

Race 13 Hungarian Grand Prix 00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley 844 points

GOLF

Another new craze has taken off in the last fortnight, with the Heaton Mersey Pay & Play being the new place to spend Sunday evening, or any other time that more than one person is off work. It’s early days yet and there is some honing of skills required by a lot of the new golfing community, and some people need to get started, but after the first fortnight, here’s the Pay & Play rankings.

Pos	Player	Rating	Rounds	Total	Average	Over 45	Under 45	Birdies	Pars
1	Hopalong	17.00	3	107	35.67	0	3	1	6
2	The Chemist	11.25	4	161	40.25	0	4	2	4
3	Ricky Organ	-1.33	3	137	45.67	2	0	0	1
4	Dancing	-2.00	1	47	47.00	1	0	0	1
5	G Man	-2.67	3	141	47.00	3	0	0	2
6	Dickie Boy	-17.00	1	60	60.00	1	0	0	0

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Unbeaten all season, top of the league, things were looking good for Hit The Bar. Imagine the shock of the waiting fans then, when only four players stepped off the team coach. With the treatment room still chock-a-block (G-Man, Turkish, Dec) a team of just five was expected. However, the 11th hour withdrawal of Nez, who decided to go off playing boy scouts with his mates, and who picks up the KENNETH WILLIAMS CARRY ON CAMPING award, left the team in a desperate situation. After a failed attempt to get in any ringers, a quick phone call to UEFA was needed to make sure it was ok to have Steve The Ref make his debut. In the event it was, and HTB took to the pitch against an Ed Dynamos squad that would have needed the Rain man to count them all at once. The game began ok but gradually Ed Dynamos managed to edge in front and had netted 4 without reply at half time. Things inevitably went from bad to worse for HTB - they soon visibly tired, and Ed Dynamos were making full use of all their subs. HTB eventually trudged off with a humiliating 12-3 defeat.

Squirrel - It was all he could do to try and keep his side in the game. Made some great stops but couldn't stop a dozen of them, largely thanks to an increasingly vacant defence. A valiant effort and SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Dancing - Nothing special on show here, a few missed chances, a few good passes, the occasional tackle and a lot of huffing and puffing. Not one to write home about - 5

Steve The Ref - started well and tried his best to organise HTB but as the game went on he made more and more mistakes. An appreciated effort for a team that was not his own though - 6

Wes - At one stage it was looking like HTB weren't going to trouble the scorers but that was eventually put paid to by a good strike. A couple more excellent efforts followed but many a chance went begging as he hung onto the ball for far too long - 6

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This report needs no preamble, no build up, Hit The Bar were awful. No excuses, they had seven players against Shera's five, and they were humiliated. Six goals from Shera in either half, without a single one in reply, saw a final score of 13-0 (the ref can't count). HTB would have fared better had they not turned up. The main factor in Shera's success was the performance of their keeper. The only person that was going to score while he was playing was his bird, who was mighty impressive up front. Thanks to an outstanding performance, their keeper sets a precedent in being the first member of the opposition to score SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN.

Squirrel - Very average, made some good saves but let in a few soft goals too. Gets the GIRLY GOALIE award - 4

G-Man - Back from injury but made little impact. Shares the JOBLESS GYPPO award - 4

Nez - Lots of huffing and puffing but nothing to show for it. Gets the other half of the JOBLESS GYPPO award - 4

Turkish - Back from a lengthy absence, he looked rusty and had lost some sharpness. Picks up the SLUGGISH SLAG award - 4

Dancing - Ran around a bit and had a few half-hearted shots but ended up with nothing more than the INEFFECTUAL IMBECILE award - 4

Wes - At times can be a hit and miss player, and was a big miss tonight. Claims the OFF-TARGET OAF award - 4

Ricky Organ - Was this his last game for HTB?? At the start of the week it was looking like his move down south was done and dusted but rumours have it that his excessive wage demands (he was asking for more than £2.50 per week) have cooled interest from the southern club. For the time being he is still a HTB player, but tonight he was poor and collected the TRANSFER TRANNY award - 4

Nez 15, Wes 18, Squirrel 10, Ricky Organ 7, Dancing 6, G Man 6.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
SHERA	6	5	0	1	80	29	51	0	16
RIDERS OF ROHAN	6	4	1	1	62	25	37	0	13
ED DYNAMOS	6	4	2	0	48	23	0	0	12
HIT THE BAR	6	3	2	1	57	43	14	0	10
DEVOTE DESIGN WED	6	3	2	1	43	40	3	0	10
VASKO DE GATLEY	6	3	3	0	48	54	-6	0	9
K F SOLDIERS	6	0	6	0	20	77	-57	0	0
WOODSMOOR WANDERERS	6	0	6	0	16	83	-67	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Townbrow Joker

Hasn't made a great impact for some time now and is unlikely to cause too much of a stir in this event. Not on our list this evening.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

Equestrian competitors at the 1956 Olympics must rank as the most isolated in the games' history. Because of Australia's strict quarantine laws, they were forced to compete in Stockholm Sweden, a city 9,969 miles away from Melbourne, Australia, the host city.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex Golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

NEW Hit the Bar Top Trumps. Featuring the 24 players to have played for Hit the Bar so far. A snip at £2.50

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Charlton Athletic
Founded						1905
Turned Professional						1920
Admitted to the League						1921
Previous Names						N/A
Nickname (s)						Addicks
Ground						The Valley
Capacity						26,875
Previous Grounds						Siemen’s Meadow, Woolwich Common, Pound Park, Horn Lane Catford, Selhurst Park, Upton Park
Seasons in Each Division
1						23
2						39
3						14
4						0
Trophies
Division 2						1999-2000
FA Cup						1947
Division 3 South						1928-29, 1934-35
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in the streets near the Thames by 14 and 15 year olds, they managed to get themselves into local leagues as they moved from place to place, but gaining entry to the Kent league saw them make the move to professional status and were admitted to the third division when it expanded to a north and south section in 1921
Synopsis - Major Events						After a non descript start to league life they managed to reach the top flight before the second world war and managed to get to consecutive FA cup finals straight after the war, before sling back in to second division mediocrity. Then in the 1980’s they went perilously close to going out of business, and spent a number of years ground sharing with other clubs.
Synopsis - Recent times						They have managed to build themselves up to a level where they are now a consistent premiership team, and are on a sound financial base, and are trying to get to that next level.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They are the only team to get to an FA Cup final having previously lost in the competition, as the 1946 event was held over two legs. They are also the only team to have lost a game having scored 6 goals, when they lost to Huddersfield 7-6.
Premier League Record. (Upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
152	28		21		27			100		99		18		22		36		74		119		181
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		-			-		-		-		18^th		-		9^th		14^th		12^th