Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

CEO Andrew Wiederhorn began his 18-month federal prison sentence last week, but unlike other convicted CEO's, he'll continue to draw his $1.6 million a year salary while doing hard time. He pleaded guilty to two felonies (including filing a false tax return) while previously the CEO of Wilshire Financial Services Group in Oregon, but his current company, Fog Cutter Capital Group, apparently believes Wiederhorn is a real hot shot worth holding onto. Fog Cutter said it might even give Wiederhorn a bonus, in order to help him pay the restitution he is required to make under his plea agreement. - It just goes to show, that sometimes crime does pay, and very handsomely as well.

Federal, state, and county officials, responding to a call about an eye-popping scene at a sandbar just off Whale Harbour in the Florida Keys town of Islamorada, discovered a young woman apparently blissfully dangling by the shoulders from meat hooks that were hanging from a makeshift bamboo tripod and stuck in her skin. A Coast Guard officer took pictures and asked if anyone was doing anything he or she didn't want to do, but the heavily tattooed, pierced people at the scene assured him they were just having fun in the sun. A sheriff's spokesman said he couldn't think of any laws that were broken but that he would look into it. - It’s always the same, whenever you try to hang out, there’s always someone trying to hassle you.

Cape Town (South Africa)'s Old Town House museum has scheduled an exhibit for September featuring familiar 17th century Dutch Master paintings, but all of them turned to face the wall, which curator Andrew Lamprecht said will be a "conceptual art intervention" that turns the pieces "into something new and unexpected" which will "force gallery goers to reconsider their preconceptions about the art." "These are fascinating things to see from behind," he said. - I’ve seen a few pieces of “Art” recently (on an almost daily basis) that would look better the other way round.

An AFSCME union Local filed a grievance against East Haven, Conn., mayor Joe Maturo recently for violating the city's labour contract by personally doing the civic task of reaching down into a storm drain and repositioning the drain cover, which Maturo noticed had become dislodged. According to the Union, if a cover comes loose, the city is required to call out exactly four Union employees, three of whom would get time-and-a-half and be guaranteed four hours' work. Said union president John Longley, "It's not about the money; it's about our work." - You really don’t want to know how many of them and how long it takes for them to change a light bulb

This weeks guest publication is the free paper the Metro, mainly cos nothing else has found it’s way into my grubby little hands in the last fortnight.

A restaurant owner has put up a notice asking guests not to propose to his waitresses. He took the measure after 12 of his staff have quit to wed customers. He said he was fed up with training staff only to have them marry men they met at the eaterie in Eforie Sud, Romania. - We need to find a place like that over here. When was the last time you had a waitress serve you that you would have wanted to marry?

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Squirrel, for tempting fate into a phone loss.

Keep your eyes open for more details of the Surerandomality 2^nd Birthday party on Friday 29^th October.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over five months ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him five ransom demands, and a number of postcards allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy. They also sent him stickers to wear saying “My name is Mark. I’m an elastic band abuser. But I’m trying to change”, which he had to wear for a week. He has done this and is now waiting for word. Though it has been strangely silent on this front, and concern is now growing. In fact it is getting to the stage where Seeks is beginning to wonder whether the kidnappers have forgotten all about it, and the elastic band is lost for all time. In fact he’s got to the point, where he’s started a new one.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality World War II. Lovely weather for this time of year, and the sudden deluge of rains will mean that the first hosepipe bans of the summer will soon be announced. Probably by Yorkshire Water. Elsewhere the bank holiday meant a couple of days off, but alas, due to increased drinking, it has meant that I’ve had to work like a busy little bastard to get this finished on time, especially with another Thursday night out planned. Then I’ve also been planning some kind of plan for the second Surerandomality Birthday party which is taking place on Friday 29^th October, which as I’m sure you can tell is some way off, but I’m advertising early to try and get as big a crowd as possible. There are no destinations written in stone yet, and suggestions would be appreciated. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 20^th August – G Man and Box Bitch headed to Essex for the weekend, whilst Squirrel was heading in roughly the other direction on his way back from shenanigans in Maidstone. Once back he headed to the Driving Range to meet up with Hopalong and The Chemist, before they headed to the Griffin for a few drinks. At closing time it was off to XS, except for the Chemist who headed home. After the usual large quantities of alcohol, they staggered out to Abduls to chat to randoms, before getting a taxi back, with Hopalong stopping at Sainsbury’s to do some pissed shopping.

Saturday 21^st August – Just as it turned to afternoon, Squirrel, Hopalong and the Chemist went to play Golf, which was followed by a trip to the Crown for a couple of drinks. With Dec’s BBQ having been Cancelled, all the attendees headed to Didsbury instead, and O’Neill’s. The Chemist headed home, leaving Squirrel and Hopalong to head to Didsbury, by the time they got to O’Neill’s everyone had already moved on, but they decided to stay to watch the match, before getting food, and then heading to the Slug & Lettuce, where they met up with Dancing, Dec, Phil, Greg, Rob, and Alison amongst others, playing of all things Table Football. With everyone else going into town, Squirrel and Hopalong headed for cheaper climes, and therefore in to Fallowfield and Great Central for a couple of beers before crossing over and into XS territory again. The night degenerated into a very messy state, and after a kebab it was a bus journey home, during which Squirrel managed the impossible and lost his phone, which was less than tip top. Strangely enough nearby building work took a great leap forward over the weekend.

Sunday 22^nd August – Olympics was the main order of the day, however Ricky Organ and the Chemist did manage to make it out to play a bit of golf

Monday 23rd August – As the Olympics took over, Squirrel deciding to have Half days for the rest of the week, however the weather would mean that these wouldn’t be golfing afternoons.

Wednesday 25th August – Footie playing, and watching, which did kind of interrupt the Olympics somewhat.

Thursday 26th August – The advertising blurb read, “A few quiet drinks, as a kind of birthday gathering, as it’s Hopalong’s, Kelly, Jodie, and Sharon’s birthday over the next week or so”. This seemed possible as Squirrel and G Man met Hopalong for a warm up drink in the Griffin, then it was off to the Gateway where they met up with everyone else, and the drinks really started flowing. Not only that but with it serving til midnight, it meant that Squirrel was still out when he got paid, and therefore the three of them headed into town and 5^th Ave. Things got very messy, very quickly, and on leaving time, the majority vote brought them to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas). After losses it was a taxi back to Chez Woodheys, where they managed to wake a less than impressed Box Bitch, due to the fact that they couldn’t work the key - door combination, so familiar in most homes today. Hopalong realised that he didn’t live there and wandered off at stupid o’clock in the morning.

Friday 27th August – Squirrel woke in the lounge and headed straight for work still as was from the night before. Meanwhile a few hours later G Man and Box Bitch managed to get going and headed over to the Leeds Festival, where they also managed to encounter some of G Man’s old work buddies. Meanwhile the original plan of hitting the golf course went out the window. Hopalong arrived in town, and met Squirrel when he finished his half day and they headed to Barracuda to meet Kate for lunch. Once Kate had gone back to work they tried to play pool and found the table was shit so they headed to the Peveril of the Peaks in search of a better table, only to arrive as they were shutting for a mid afternoon siesta. The search continued however, with stops at the Britons Protector, and the Temple, before ending up at Grand Central, where although there was a pool table, there was also a queue longer than at Abdul’s at 2 in the morning, and with Hopalong losing to a girl they moved on. It just so happened to be reopening time at the Peveril of the Peaks, and so a longish pool session started, with breaks to watch a bit of the Olympics, and some scally baiting. Food followed, as did another stop in the Temple, before a bus to Fallowfield, and the Great Central. Despite a lot of chat and a very tempting offer to go to the Queen of Hearts, they eventually ended up in XS. After another random evening of drinking and dancing. The pair of them split at leaving time, with Hopalong having a three hour journey home via Withington, and Squirrel getting a taxi back with Sharon.

Saturday 28th August – Golfers woke Squirrel the next morning, as he joined Ricky Organ, the Chemist and Dancing on the course, with Hopalong wimping out and staying on the sofa. The afternoon saw some more Olympics, before Squirrel found the temptation too much and he went out. Pizza hut was the base for an evening that saw some free pool at the Dog & Partridge, before heading for Fallowfield and a stop in Great Central, before an earlier than usual arrival in XS. After chatting to Becky, Malc and the rest of the usual suspects, he headed for the dance floor, and the usual Saturday night people. This time however he managed to get to the Phoenix, where some late drinking and dancing saw the early morning airport bus as the only transport option to Fallowfield for a kebab and a taxi home. Meanwhile in a field somewhere outside Leeds, G Man was in the process of having his Phone nicked, by some tent robbing pikey in the middle of the night.

Sunday 29th August – Ricky Organ, The Chemist and Hopalong managed to get up early and play Golf, before the early afternoon boxing and GP. Meanwhile Squirrel struggled out after these to do some pissed shopping, before settling down to watch the last of the Olympics, and shit TV

Monday 30th August – With Hopalong complaining of a bad back (his front’s not brilliant either), and unable to leave the sofa, Squirrel and The Chemist headed for a Golfing session with the driving range, putting green and pitch and putt all used, before they headed back to Chez Kingsway to watch the football. Meanwhile G Man and Box Bitch returned from the festival with weary bodies.

Tuesday 31st August – Hopalong’s back must have been bad as he couldn’t even muster up the energy to play golf on his birthday when G Man went round to pick him up, and so it was early afternoon drinking in the Griffin instead. They were joined by Box Bitch and then some time later Squirrel, though G Man and Box Bitch were soon to leave. Hopalong certainly seemed to be of the birthday spirit, and was very messy by the time the Chemist and Ricky Organ turned up, and not long after everyone headed home.

Wednesday 1^st September – G Man is back to working for Squirrel, and then in the evening it was Footie playing and crap TV.

Thursday 2^nd September – What a surprise, Michelle’s leaving do / Mexican was put back again, so it was another quiet night.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

The Chemist (after a fly had flown into his eye) – I wish there was a way to punish them

Random Female (To Hopalong as he tried to chat to her) – Shut up, you’re boring me.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 3^rd September – Ricky Organ is possibly having a leaving do, but is being very cagey about it. If you want to go, then get in contact with Turkish, and I’m sure he’ll give you the details.

Monday 6th – Tuesday 7^th September – And Again, except Ricky Organ starts his sales training.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Chump(s) of the Fortnight – Dancing, after bottling the lead on the last hole and shooting an 8 to slip to third. And Paula Ratcliffe, who managed to start two races and finish none, though if you take the distance she ran in the 10,000 meters this would have just about got her to the finish line in the Marathon, in just under 5 days.

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

You’d be amazed just how many of your letters failed to get washed away this week, all that rain and flooding, and no practical use from it, I still end up getting all the rubbish you send in, although a lot of it has been damp. I’m just not sure about the colour of the liquids though. Anyway lets not stand on ceremony, lets start the show

First up is a Maria Mutantola, from Lancaster, who goes on, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. I don’t think it’s right for you to continue doing this" What have I told you lot about thinking?

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from Francesca Pescatore, from Florence, Italy, who writes, “Lei ha preso uno spazzolino da denti? Andiamo a Londra. Lei ciò sente, Doug? Vengo a Londra! Lei me mostra come controllare uno zingaro di fucking selvaggio e lo mostrerò come controllare uno scardinato, il gangster di maiale-alimentazione! Troppo stretto? Lei potrebbe atterrare uno spruzzo di fucking colosso in ciò! Questi sono le sue ultime parole, dunque loro fa una preghiera. Era a un angolo buffo. Era due minuti cinque minuti fa. I posti ed un volante.” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what she just said.

Meanwhile Bubba Austin, from Austin, Texas, tells this somewhat disturbing tale, “I'm a guy and my friend is a guy and for whatever reason I've always wanted to ejaculate in his face. For his birthday one year, I decided to bake him a birthday cake. In the middle of the baking, I decided I'll ejaculate in the cake. He ate the cake. Therefore I indirectly ejaculated in his face.” I’m sure he loves you too.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. They issue a top ten each year, but also keep a record of numerous fools that don't make the top ten. Each issue, I’ll give you two examples of people who really don't deserve to be alive.

This story was told at a symposium dinner, by two Austrian pathologists who work together in Germany. A deceased male was brought to them for a post mortem. He had suffered severe head trauma. According to police reports, the man wanted to see how a German World War II hand grenade was constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vice, and cut a thin band around the centre with a circular saw, so that he would be able to crack open the two halves. Unfortunately, the man cut a little too deep, and detonated the grenade. The pathologists stated that the man had very little brain material when he was brought to them; however, they were not sure if that was a result of the explosion!

Late one night, the inhabitants of Yuvieyna village, a suburb of Lugansk, awoke to a loud explosion. Not long before the explosion, a 40-year-old deputy of the local administration board had taken his dog out for a walk. He encountered a Police Academy cadet who was escorting two women to their homes. The cadet pointed out that the deputy's dog was not allowed on a public street without a lead and muzzle. Now, only an exceedingly bold cadet would be presumptuous enough to tell a village deputy what to do, so the two men began to argue. Unable to resolve the matter by verbal means, the deputy finally pulled out a military RGD-5 hand grenade and threw it to the cadet's feet. His well-trained dog immediately ran for the object and fetched it for his master... and man and dog met the same messy fate. Police are investigating how the deputy came to have a grenade in a country where citizens are forbidden to carry arms, let alone military ordinance.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He had the route to breakfast firmly embedded in his mind, and with one last check that there was nothing showing in his room to raise suspicion he opened his door, stepped in to the corridor and closed the door behind him. He was going to walk off, but thought to check his door before doing so, and turned and pushed the door, and found that he could open it easily. He realised that this meant that the only locks on the doors were the time lock ones that came into force at night. He found this somewhat disconcerting, as it meant that anybody could come along and get into his room and have a look around, and with the guns he had there, it would be better if he could lock his door. However as he made his way to breakfast it dawned on him that it could work in his advantage if all the doors in the complex worked on the same system, and not just those that housed himself and the rest of the hostages.

It took him just over two minutes to make it to the dining area. As he entered the room he stopped to look around the room to see if he could spot Andrea, but the room was pretty much empty with only a couple of people down there before him. He took a seat down on the left hand side of the room near to the buffet area, where most of the breakfast food was set out. He took a plate and went about piling it full of food, trying to get as many different items on as possible. It seemed to him like it had been an age since he had eaten, and was definitely feeling hungry. As he ploughed his way through the food in front of him, he kept one eye on the entrance, looking out for Andrea, and generally watching as other hostages came in to the dining area. The dining area was filling up, but mainly on the right hand side, and as he looked around he could see that there was no one sat within four tables of him. It was obvious that they were still wary of him, and the trouble he seemed to attract.

Andrea came in after about half an hour, and he lifted his arm to attract her attention, and as she saw him she smiled and made her way over. He got himself a second plate of food and then joined Andrea at the table. They asked each other the usual pleasantries about their new accommodation, though it wasn't the most flowing of conversations. He didn't feel quite as comfortable with her this morning, and he couldn't place his finger on why, but assumed it was because of the whole situation.

"Good Morning ladies and gentlemen," boomed a voice suddenly through speakers, "This is your host speaking. I hope you had a comfortable night's sleep, and that you are enjoying your breakfasts. I'm sure you are all still wondering why you are here and what awaits, and though I would like to tell you now, there are a couple of little issues I need to attend to this morning, and therefore my brief to you will have to be delayed until this afternoon. You have the morning free to wander as you like, use the leisure facilities, or just relax, before lunch is served at one. When lunch is finished then I shall come and introduce myself and tell you all what's going on, so until then, Goodbye."

"No, I'm still having difficulties adjusting to the time, and I'm going to go and try and relax. I noticed on the plan of the site that there is a steam room and Jacuzzi, so I think I'll head there and enjoy. Are you sure you wouldn't like to join me instead?

He was sorely tempted, as he'd be quite happy to spend some time with Andrea in a Jacuzzi, but he really needed to scope out the site as soon as possible. "No, I'm sorry, but I really need to get this place sussed out a bit first, but hopefully that's an open invitation that I can hold you to at a later date."

"Of course, just come and find me when you want to take it up, I'm in room 115. I shall see you later then?" With this she got up.

With this Andrea bent down and kissed him on the cheek and headed off to the door. He watched her leave, finished his cup of coffee and headed for the exit himself, He had some exploring to do.

This week’s review is for Office Space. Peter Gibbons, thanks to a hypnotic suggestion, decides not to go to work at the same time his company is laying people off. When layoffs affect his two best friends, they conspire to plant a virus that will embezzle money from the company into their account. Also taking time to have a pop at TGI Fridays, and to show the value of slacking off, this is good entertainment if there's nothing else to watch. 3/5

RANDOM LIST

Noted Edinburgh scholar Thomas Trotter wrote in 1813 wrote a treatise condemning alcohol and its damage to humanity - and was excommunicated by the Church...

Americans are shrinking. Recent research shows that the USA's average height is slowly decreasing, while Europeans are getting taller. The Dutch are particularly lofty, with the average male standing at more than 6ft - almost two inches above his counterpart on the other side of the Atlantic.

Ancient Egyptians often shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Founded by Henry, 3^rd Earl of Lancaster in 1330 as part of his ‘new work’ or Newarke, it was built to house 50 elderly and infirm people, 20 of whom would be permanent residents. It also housed 5 female staff who cared for the residents, and if they were good and true to their job would be cared for in their later life. In 1353 his son Henry 1^st Duke of Lancaster added a chapel to the hospital, as well as building the Church of the Annunciation of St. Mary, across the road from the hospital.

The original hospital survived until 1776, when it was rebuilt, with separate bedrooms, instead of communal wards. In 1898 part of the western end of the building was demolished to make way for a new road to go out of Leicester over the new Newarke bridge that stands next to the Soar Point pub today.

The hospital was again rebuilt and enlarged in 1901, and continued to be used as a hospital right up until 1995, when a new hospital building was built, and the residents moved. The building itself now houses offices for de Montfort University.

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1752 – This day never happened as 11 days were removed from the calendar to allow from the change to the Gregorian calendar in England. People riot thinking that the Government stole 11 days of their lives.

Event – 1939 – Britain declares war on Germany. They were followed by France, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Canada.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

With anatomists, the muscles of the fingers, from the use they are put to by musicians in playing some instruments. From Latin fidicen, a player on a stringed instrument.

Fustiness, staleness. The air is said to be rafty when it is misty, with an unpleasant smell. A general name for brewers’ grain or hog wash.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, LA Style released the song James Brown is Dead. The winner is an Carol Cameron, from Crewe, Cheshire who wins the 12” single of it. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, The invasion of which country prompted Britain to declare the Start of World war II? First out of the hat on Wednesday 15th wins a bust of Adolf Hitler.

JOKES

A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies, "An eggplant." "No, Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No, ma'am," Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in Hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" "For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?" The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus." The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach." The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

A Catholic priest was living in an African village to teach the people of the tribe some of the English language. One day the priest and the village chief were walking along when the came to a tree. The priest points to it and says "tree" and the chief responds "tree". Next they came to a large rock, the priest says "rock" and the chief responds "rock". When they rounded the corner they encountered a man and woman having sex. The priest thought how can I explain this when we have such a language barrier and finally the priest points to the couple and says "riding a bike" the chief looks, pulls out a blow gun, fires two blow darts at the couple killing them both. The priest looks at the chief and says ,"what'd you do that for" the chief says ,"that's my bike".

A guy had just died who was very active sexually he bonked anybody that bent over when he got to St. Paul's gates he was warned about his antics after trying it with everyone who bent over he was sent to hell after a couple of weeks St. Paul went down to see how he was getting on when he got there all the fires were out so he asked the devil what happened he replied we’ve got matches and fire lighters its just that nobody wants to bend over and light them

A lawyer, a doctor and a banker all went to a strip joint after work one day. One of the dancers came over to the table and started to give the fellas a lap dance. The lawyer thought to himself "Hey, I'm gonna show these guys..." so he took out a twenty dollar bill, licked it and stuck it on her left butt cheek. The doctor saw this and thought "Well, I'm not going to be out done by a lawyer..." So he took out a fifty dollar bill, licked it and stuck it her right butt cheek. The Banker thought "Now I'm not going to let a Lawyer and a Doctor out do me..." So he took out his ATM card, slid it through the crack of her ass, took the $20 and the $50 and went home.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places. In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat." The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!" The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long one with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A little boy walks into the kitchen one morning and says "Mom, last night when you were at PTA, Dad took the maid upstairs in the bedroom, and they...His mom says "Hold it right here, tonight when your father comes home, I want you to repeat this story to me ...in front of him!! "That night dad comes home, sits down to dinner and starts carving up the meat loaf and mom says "Tommy, do you remember that little story you wanted to tell me? Well...you can tell it now!! "Tommy says "Mom last night when you were at PTA Dad took the maid upstairs in the bedroom, and they did the same thing you and Uncle Tom do when Dads fishing!!!"

What do you have when you have 50 government workers and 50 lesbians in the same room? A hundred people who don't do dick.

What do Paula Ratcliffe and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither could finish off a race.

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunken man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Atomic Kitten - The Tide Is High (Get The Feeling) – Innocent SINCD38 – Written by Anthony Vita

This appalling cover of the Blondie classic (which was itself a cover) was the third number one for this scouse female trio consisting of Natasha Hamilton, Elizabeth McLaren and Jenny Frost. It went straight in at number one and stayed at the top for three weeks in a total chart stay of sixteen weeks. Thankfully they split up early this year, and therefore won’t be murdering any more songs.

Diana Ross - I'm Still Waiting – Tamla Motown TMG 768 – Written by Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson

The fourth solo hit from the former lead singer of the Supremes hit the top spot in it’s fourth week on the charts, thanks in the main to some very heavy airplay from, of all people, Dave Lee Travis. It stayed at number one for four weeks in a fourteen week stay on the charts. She went on to be the most prolific female artist in the UK charts ever, and including her time with the Supremes, has spent more weeks on the UK charts than any other artist except Elvis Presley, Cliff Richard and Paul McCartney.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight. Prince – Hits 2, Prodigy – Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned, Supergrass is 10, Franz Ferdinand the Album.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Three weeks in, and there is something seriously wrong with this table. The top three positions are filled by perennial strugglers, and then two of the next three are new comers to the competition, and then the highest climber of the week, was a woman! (Well, Kate.) The award for the best team name (if there was one) would go to Get in the box, B1tch, with honourable mentions to Never Cisse’s to Amaze and Hit the Ref, though two of the three are in jokes. The most popular picks team is Sorensen, M Laursen, Josemi, Hreidersson, Samuel, Lampard, Okocha, Mendieta, Henry, Reyes & Shearer, which is £2m over budget and has 3 Villa players. Overall there were 12 different Liverpool players picked, and in total Arsenal had the most picks at 47. At the bottom in both is Norwich, with only one person picking Darren Huckerby.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Poor Relations	195
2nd	The Coffee Grinders	187
3rd	MUP(pet)S	159
4th	Get in the Box, B1tch	158
5th	Never Cisse's To Amaze	157
6th	Nati	156
7th	Mate's Saints	147
8th	Woodheys Warriors	145
9th	Champions Elect	145
10th	Cherokee Hair Ultra Tampons '04-05	140
11th	Wednesday Wannabes Too	135
12th	Kate's Kickers	135
13th	Happy Harry's Hotshot Hobos	135
14th	Shhoooooottt!!! Yet Again	132
15th	Seek'em and Destroy	130
16th	Hit the Ref	130
17th	The Third Wheel	129
18th	This Will Get Messy	125
19th	Billy Bottlers	122
20th	Wednesday Wannabes	117
21st	It Worked Last Week	113
22nd	Fulchester United Reserves	113
23rd	Woodheys Wanderers	110
24th	Spank Me Frankie	109
25th	Wenger's Nightmare	108
26th	Boro	108
27th	Turkish Delights	107
28th	More Russian Gold	107
29th	Fame and Fortune	101
30th	Leeds are Back (Sorta)	97
31st	Amy's XI	92
32nd	Who Needs Henry, We've Got Shipperley	75
33rd	Counter Attack	63
	Table upto and Including 30th August

WACKY RACES

It only took until race 14 of the season, but we now finally have race wins for all seven contestants. At the top the gap has closed to less than 50 points, the closest it’s been since race 6, but with only 120 points covering the top four it’s still wide open with only 4 races left.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	10544	90
2nd	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	10496	92
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	10443	77
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	10422	74
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	10148	71
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	10089	76
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	9798	52
	After Belgian Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

Race 11 British Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 831 points

Race 12 German Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 890 points

Race 13 Hungarian Grand Prix 00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley 844 points

Race 14 Belgian Grand Prix 01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers 596 points

GOLF

The craze continues, with lots more rounds coming in, and a newcomer to the list, some have even bought their own equipment. Top and bottom aren’t going to be moving anywhere, and second place is fairly secure, but the middle of the table is where most of the action is going to come from, Though Ricky Organ’s forthcoming work transfer may reduce his playing opportunities.

Pos	Player	Rating	Rounds	Total	Average	Lowest	Over 45	Under 45	Birdies	Pars
1	Hopalong	19.50	6	210	35.00	29	0	6	3	15
2	The Chemist	8.70	10	415	41.50	37	1	8	4	9
3	Squirrel	5.00	3	132	44.00	43	0	2	0	4
4	Ricky Organ	2.71	7	306	43.71	37	3	2	0	6
5	G Man	0.25	4	183	45.75	42	3	1	0	4
6	Dancing	-2.50	2	93	46.50	46	2	0	0	1
7	Dickie Boy	-17.00	1	60	60.00	60	1	0	0	0

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

"....and finally in sport, Ricky Organ has agreed terms with a team based in his home town of London, where he started his career. J&J looked set to scupper the deal with an 11th hour approach for the gangly Hit the Bar utility man, however their interest cooled after a representative met with the player. Organ's registration will officially be transferred on September 6th, although it is thought that the clubs have arranged a loan-back arrangement until the end of October. It was rumoured that Organ, 25, had issued a "come and get me plea" to clubs in the North-West, however he was unable to negotiate a deal with either Bolton or Bury. The news brings to an end a summer of speculation, in which the on-off transfer saga has overshadowed events on the pitch, particularly the defeats at the hands of Ed Dynamos, and most recently Shera. Hit the Bar were unavailable for comment"

Liverpool have their Jamie Carragher, Man Utd their Phil Neville and Hit The Bar their Ricky Organ. But just hours before kick-off it was announced the Hit The Bar's utility man would indeed be completing his move down south. Luckily, he was still around for tonight's fixture against the unknown Rider's of Rohan. Without him, HTB would have been struggling as Wes was out injured, and Nez was busy collecting his PASS-THE-PARCEL POOFTER trophy. With just five, it was always going to be tough against RoR's seven men. As the game got underway it soon became apparent that RoR were a bunch of wippy lankers. Undeterred by their threats, HTB persevered and, despite going behind quite quickly, they would not give in, and finished the half just 4-2 down. The start of the second half became a passionate affair, with some niggly fouls upsetting the flow of the game. The torrential rain didn't dampen HTB's spirit, and they forced their way back into the game thanks to some nice set-pieces. Unfortunately, they simply ran out of steam towards the end and finished with a disappointing, but not disgraceful, 12-8 defeat.

Squirrel - Another solid game from the oversized woodland animal. Positioning could rarely be faulted and he was often called upon to bail HTB out after their defence had gone awol. Some good saves in slippery conditions kept HTB in with a shout - 8

G-Man - Riders of Rohan weren't to know that if there was one player not to wind up, it was G-Man. He used his aggression superbly and was the midfield dynamo of old. Got away with some crafty fouls and made countless tackles. Scored two as well and edged it as SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Dancing - A vast improvement on previous weeks from HTB's makeshift defender. Was up for it this week and played with purpose. Combined well with Organ and got HTB off the mark with a good strike. Had several good efforts on goal and top-scored with three. Disappointing to see him fade in the last ten - 8

Ricky Organ - In what may well turn out to be his penultimate game for HTB, this was a reasonable performance - solid but not spectacular. Intelligent play created some good chances for his team mates, and he also got 2 for himself. Can he sign off with a Starman performance next week? - 7

Turkish - Improving steadily as he tries to get back his match fitness but at times looked off the pace tonight. Too many balls went astray but one good finish in the second half showed that there is better things to come. Some good movement and good shouts but needs that killer finish - 6

Rumours of a crisis in the Hit the Bar camp may have been grossly exaggerated but there was no doubt that their form had wavered. Talks of changes in personnel and player unrest within the team meant it was important for them to get back to winning ways. Nez and Wes returned for the crunch clash against Vasko de Twatley (amateurs attempt at wit) but Dancing's frog legs were nowhere to be seen as he fucked off to France to chomp on croissants. For this he receives the NONCE IN NICE AWARD. The game began at a lively pace and amongst the opening exchanges there were already signs of the tenacity that had characterised the previous encounters between the two teams. Hit the Bar looked good going forward but ultimately forgot about defending and let in 5 extremely sloppy goals. However, despite trailing 5-3 at the interval there were enough signs that HTB could tighten up at the back and capitalise on VDG's similar naivety in defence. The second half however became embroiled in violence. Vasko's persistent fouling meant the football failed to flow and for a frustrated Hit the Bar it was only a matter of time before they hit back. Wes scored a couple of screamers and G-man danced his way round Vasko's defence throughout, but football was only a side-show to the pushing, shoving, butting, fouling and swearing that began to saturate the game. Hit the Bar, therefore did well to battle their way back in to the match and salvage a 9-9 draw against the unruly school children.

Squirrel - Had plenty to do as his outfield players decided to see how well he'd do defending the goal on his own. Made some excellent saves as the shots reigned in on his goal but was nutmegged a few too many times for this to be considered one of his best games - 6

Ricky Organ - His future at Hit the Bar remains in doubt as a move to the Big Smoke beckons, but despite the speculation he performed out of his skin and grabbed a goal. The opposition took a liking to the 'cockney' battler, persistently attempting to rape and pillage him, but he came out unscathed and more determined than ever. Looked lively throughout and battled hard when others may have backed down. For this he receives the SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

G-Man - Took a while for him to get going but when he did it became near impossible for Vasko to stop him legally, so they resorted to clipping his heels at every chance they could get. Even an attempt to snap his legs didn't phase him and looked HTB's most dynamic player in the second half - 7

Turkish - This game possibly came a little too soon for Turkish as he battles to get back to full fitness. By his own admission he struggled to get to grips with the physical nature of the match and spent much of the game on the sidelines. When he was on the pitch however, he worked hard and looked to get involved as much as he could. A couple more games and he'll be back to his best - 6

Nez - Scored three but missed several sitters. Definitely not back to his full fitness and the lack of first team matches has robbed him of his sharpness. Still moans far too much and should learn to get behind his team - 6

Wes - Managed to look like scoring most times he had the ball and used his strength and composure to bag 5. Often prone to holding on to the ball for too long and seemed a little frustrated by the end, but is becoming more and more ruthless in front of goal and scored a couple of scorchers in the second half - 7

Wes 23, Nez 18, Squirrel 10, Ricky Organ 10, Dancing 9, G Man 8, Nigel 1.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
SHERA	8	6	1	1	106	48	58	0	19
RIDERS OF ROHAN	8	6	1	1	83	37	46	0	19
ED DYNAMOS	8	5	3	0	64	36	28	0	15
HIT THE BAR	8	3	3	2	74	64	10	0	11
DEVOTE DESIGN WED	8	5	2	1	73	57	16	0	16
VASKO DE GATLEY	8	3	4	1	66	77	-11	0	10
K F SOLDIERS	8	1	7	0	37	99	-62	0	3
WOODSMOOR WANDERERS	8	0	8	0	24	109	-85	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

JaffacakeJack

Pacy to the first turn and always a threat. If he gets ahead early he will be reluctant to give way. Worthy of a place at least.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

No outdoor track and field event has seen its world record broken more frequently than the men's pole vault.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex Golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

NEW Hit the Bar Top Trumps. Featuring the 24 players to have played for Hit the Bar so far. A snip at £2.50

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Dancing and Nez.

Bolton Wanderers
Founded						1874
Turned Professional						1880
Admitted to the League						1888
Previous Names						Christ Church FC
Nickname (s)						Trotters
Ground						Reebok Stadium
Capacity						27,879
Previous Grounds						Park Recreation Ground, Cockle’s Field, Pike’s Lane, Burnden Park
Seasons in Each Division
1						65
2						28
3						11
4						1
Trophies
Division 2						1908-09, 1977-78, 1996-97
Division 3						1972-73
FA Cup						1923, 1926, 1929, 1958
Sherpa Van Trophy						1989
Charity Shield						1958
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1874 by the boy’s of the Christ Church Sunday School, the team broke away from the Church in 1877 and became “wanderers”
Synopsis - Major Events						Until the 1960’s they were a mainstay of the top flight, though never quite reaching the dizzy heights of being champions. They did however win the FA cup on four occasions, before the seventies saw them drop to being a second tier and below team.
Synopsis - Recent times						A move to a new stadium saw them climb up the divisions, and make some good cup runs, until they hit the premiership. After a few years of yo-yoing between the top two divisions they have made themselves a top half team.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						One of the founder members of the football league. They have won the FA cup more times (4) than any other team that has never won the league. They took part in the game that drew the highest ever domestic (English) crowd. (The 1923 first Wembley Cup final)
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
152	24		27		25			88		108		12		18		46		77		137		153
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		-		-			20^th		-		18^th		-		-		-		16^th		17^th