Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A parachutist with 10 years of skydiving experience was killed in Monroe Township, N.J., when his chute failed to open and he plunged into a basketball hoop in a residential neighbourhood. The man, whose name was withheld by police, was jumping with students from Freefall Adventures Skydiving School. "It appears as though the individual lost track of his altitude," said school instructor David Pancake. "His equipment operated perfectly fine." The school's students have been involved in several incidents, including another fatality two years ago, and an injury last month. - With an instructor’s name like that it’s a surprise that he didn’t hit the ground and become as flat as a.

The U.S. Department of Defence, citing a need to teach government employees how to respond to Freedom of Information Act requests, created a $70,500 video called "The People's Right to Know". But when the Associated Press filed an FoIA request for a copy of the video, it took 18 months to get it, because the Pentagon needed to censor it first. "We knew it would be embarrassing," said Army lawyer Suzanne Council. "We couldn't get approval" from the owners of the copyright of various movie clips used in the video. "We did our darnedest." The FoIA allows the government to remove secret material from information it releases, but the law has no provision for removing copyrighted material. - Copyright? What the fuck is that all about?

Mikhail Kalashnikov, the inventor of the AK-47 assault rifle, has unveiled his latest invention: Kalashnikov Vodka. "I've always wanted to improve and expand on the good name of my weapon by doing good things," Kalashnikov told reporters in Britain. - Vodka and Rifles, what an inspired combination.

Acting on a drug informant's tip in July, detectives in Waterloo, Iowa, had a police dog "search" a car. The dog started to sniff, and then abandoned his post, but police took the car to the station, anyway, where another dog sniffed it and signalled drugs. A search warrant was obtained, and owner Kirk Sallis was arrested for cocaine possession. However, in June 2004, a judge dismissed the charge, ruling that the impound was illegal, in that the first dog never "completed" the initial search, since the dog, part-way through the search, had run off to chase a cat. - Which just goes to prove that chasing pussy is more interesting than getting drugs.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County Courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Fuck me, is it midnight already? - !

Artie Trezise from the Singing Kettle performed songs from the children’s entertainers’ “Tooth Happy Songs” video at the launch of Action for Sick Children Scotland’s Dental Playbox initiative at St. Mary’s primary school in Edinburgh last week. Deputy health minister for Scotland Tom McCabe was also on hand to promote the Dental Playbox scheme, being made available to all new community and health promoting schools in Scotland. - We don’t half get some shit sent into this building.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Keep your eyes open for more details of the Surerandomality 2^nd Birthday party on Friday 29^th October.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality What? You’re a Disc Jockey. Shit, I’ve been such a busy little bastard this fortnight, that it’s certainly not been the most tip top of fortnights. However among all the pandemonium, there has been time to add a new section. The Roast Report can be found in the Breaktime section. Not only that but the Surerandomality 2004 Album has been recorded, and after some mastering difficulties, the initial copies have been printed, and the artwork and packaging is being worked on. However if you look just below, you’ll see that I’ve not managed to do much with regards to doing any more planning for the 2^nd birthday party, but I will get my shit together in time for the next issue. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

SECOND BIRTHDAY PARTY

The second Surerandomality Birthday party is taking place on Friday 29^th October, which as I’m sure you can tell is getting nearer, and I’m advertising early to try and get as big a crowd as possible. There are no destinations written in stone yet, and suggestions would be appreciated. However a rough guide has been formulated. A 7pm start has been stated, which gives those early starters a chance to get fooded up before hand. Somewhere cheap would be a good starting point, so possibly the Paramount. Other possible destinations would include the Overdraught and the Garrett, with plans to end the evening in 5^th Ave. As has been seen previously these plans are liable to change, even on the night. Any ideas would also be appreciated, as I’m struggling. The most important thing though, is to make sure that you all get your arses in gear and get your ass to Manchester to participate. Speak to the usual suspects with regards to crash pads.

THE DIARY

Friday 1st October – It did look for a time like it was going to be a civilised evening. G Man and Amanda were at the Cinema, and most of the other usual suspects were relaxing at home, however some of them were drinking and after numerous cans and tequilas Squirrel couldn’t resist the lure of XS and headed there to drink and dance and then stumble home.

Saturday 2nd October – The morning (well early afternoon) saw G Man and Squirrel heading to play Golf. However, Dancing, Greg, and their two mates from Switzerland, Marc and Ben were in the Hogshead mid afternoon, and had moved for no apparent reason to Ye Olde Cock by the time Squirrel joined them. They quickly moved on to the Famous Crown, where they met up Ricky Organ and Zac. However back at Ye Olde Cock, Hopalong was just meeting up with G Man and Box Bitch, who joined the others after a bit. Things started to get a bit fragmented, as people headed off to the Pitcher & Piano, where most of the Pharmacy crowd, including Matt, Dickie Boy and Katy, plus all the girls including Alison had met up with them. However one noticeable absentee was The Chemist who had sneaked off home earlier on. The last to join those in the Pitcher and Piano were Ricky Organ and Squirrel, but not before Ricky Organ had managed to upset Box Bitch, who along with G Man and Hopalong headed into town and to One Central Street. Didsbury closing time saw most people heading home, with the obvious exception of Squirrel who headed XS and another very blurry journey home to fall asleep on the sofa. On coming out of One Central Street, G Man and Box Bitch got separated from Hopalong, and found themselves outside the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), where seeing as a pit stop was required they headed in. G Man managed to win £30 by accident and on their way out, who should happen to be coming in but Hopalong, who was prevented form hitting the Casino (Viva Las Vegas) floor, by G Man and Box Bitch looking like a naughty schoolboy who knew he’d been caught doing something wrong. Having lost their bearings somewhat G Man and Hopalong jumped off the bus in Fallowfield thinking they were in Rusholme. However by the time Box Bitch got off at the next stop to try and find them, they had realised their mistake and got a taxi to get a Curry. However with no signal or power on their phones Box Bitch couldn’t find them and headed home, but with the dead to the world Squirrel inside not able to wake to answer the buzzer, it was the doorstep for her until G Man staggered home some time later.

Sunday 3rd October – Somewhat amazingly, there was a roast cooked and a full review can be found in break time.

Friday 8th October – No, I’m not coming out. Famous last words from Squirrel failed to work and he met Hopalong, Ricky Organ, and Turkish in the Dog & Partridge, where they were later joined by G Man after he’d had a double glazing quote. Quite a few beers later saw closing time, and minus G Man they headed off into town and Northern Funk. First to disappear, but last to leave was Hopalong, who had pulled. Turkish and Ricky Organ headed off before last orders, after Ricky Organ had had his fill of lifting up women’s skirts and pinching their asses, and Squirrel, not realising Hopalong was still about wandered off for food and another late night.

Saturday 9th October – Which meant that it was a somewhat less than tip top idea to go and meet Hopalong early doors in Ye Olde Cock. G Man and The Chemist were playing golf, which meant that by the time G Man and Box Bitch joined Hopalong and Squirrel in Ye Olde Cock they had topped up their alcohol level enough to be a nightmare. With none of the other pussies coming out, and G Man and Box Bitch having to get ready to go to a work do, it left The terrible two to head to Squirrels for cheap refreshment and for another pool whipping for Hopalong. A food stop was in order on their way to XS, but what they consider to constitute a food break are two different things. Squirrel headed for the subway route, whereas Hopalong went for the novelty box of mini packets of Cadbury’s buttons. In Life, G Man and Box Bitch were just wishing their food would hurry up and arrive. Back at XS more drinking, some dancing, and giving buttons to random people followed, before an early exit to go and meet G Man and Box Bitch inside Life. However they weren’t exactly dressed for it, and the bouncers weren’t having any of it, and despite a half hearted attempt from G Man to get them access they headed off. Hopalong rang Dawn (his pull from the night before) to see where they were, and for some bizarre reason arranged to meet at Lime, however they weren’t letting anyone in so it was off to 5^th Ave, which was rammed, and where Squirrel managed to attract some stalker bloke who was trying to keep everyone else away from him. After eventually managing to get the random to fuck off it was disappointing to find that 5^th Ave is no longer open til 3, and on exit, Squirrel lost Hopalong, and headed for the bus for food. However Hopalong was off to the Press Club with Dawn where they eventually stumbled out at 5.

Sunday 10th October – Golf? Are you fucking joking? G Man, The Chemist and Ricky Organ did manage it. Squirrel didn’t move, and Hopalong was back in the pub with Dawn. They then met up with G Man and Box Bitch to see Saw.

Monday 11th October – Yet another Monday, yet another day of nothing except being a busy little bastard at work.

Wednesday 13th October – An early England kick meant that the match was over long before the season finale for the Hit the Bar boys. Elsewhere Box Bitch was out in Fallowfield with Jen, taking in the newly reopened and improved Friendship (where bottles of Stella are only £1.80) and Glass (where bottles of Corona are only £1.50).

Thursday 14th October – There may have been a lot going on, but seeing as I was writing this rubbish until stupid o’clock I don’t know about it.

PUB OF THE FORTNIGHT

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 15th October – It doesn’t really matter what I put here, it’s going to be the same outcome - XS

Saturday 16^th October – TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY. 12.45pm or not at all. Box Bitch and G Man are off to Italy for the weekend to rescue kittens, or some other equally stupid idea.

Monday 18th – Tuesday 19th October – Hopefully two nice relaxing days, and the return of Box Bitch and G Man from their mission of mercy.

Wednesday 20th October – Hit the Bar Vs. Some as yet to be notified opposition

Thursday 21st October – NO! Despite the fact that it is a Thursday, and mainly down to the fact that it’s the return of the roast.

Wednesday 27th October – Hit the Bar Vs Again, we hit the press before we get the new season’s fixture list, but at least it is payday.

Thursday 28th October – YES, though probably not the best idea, seeing as to what’s the day after. Not only that but G Man has got tickets to a celebrity dinner where one of the speakers is Big Fat, Racist Twat, Ron. Hence a scramble to try and blag entry.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Has anyone done anything worthy of this is the last fortnight. I don’t think so.

Chump of the Fortnight – Karen. There’s absolutely, positively, no need to be sending e-mails to work, whilst on holiday in Mexico

Cock of the Fortnight – Ricky Organ (AKA Cock Boy). Does it really need any further explanation?

READER’S LETTERS

I’ve not seen so many envelopes in such a short space of time, as in the last fortnight. Some of them have even been addressed to us here at Surerandomality, so we got round to opening them eventually. Once again, you, the reading public failed to disappoint as once again, we’d have been better off just reading the envelopes. Can’t even be arsed to berate you either, so therefore, once again, lets not stand on ceremony, let’s start the show.

First up is a Eugene MacColl, from Knock, County Galway, who preaches as such, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining. To be sure, we wouldn’t have this kind of thing over here." Well, so what? There’s not a lot you can do about it if you continue to compound the problem is there?

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from an Edson de Narimanto, from Recife, Brazil, who pontificates the following, “Como podia-o perde-o, ele não é um jogo de teclas de carro. Não é como ele é spicuous de fucking de incon. É Camundongo de Mickey, homem. Espúrio. Não genuíno. E vale.. Fuck-todo. Se o não funciona sempre pode bater nele com ele. Turco, põe um chumbo nele. Ele o receberá em muito problema pensar, Errol. Eu não fazria demais de ele. Receba a seua língua para fora de meu arse aí Gary. Os cachorros fazem isso. Você não são um cachorro são Gary de ya? Era um Errol retórico de pergunta. O que contei você sobre pensar?” Yes people, I’m going to tell you again, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile a somewhat retarded Chuck Upchuck, from Portland, Maine, decided that we’d all be better off with these words of wisdom, “I was walking down the street and despite being a grown man I was following this little 'path' they have down the centre made of different coloured paving stones. There was a little kid coming the other way, obviously also playing the 'stay on the path' game. When we reached each other, I *glared* at him like "out of my way, child" so he had to walk on the normal paving stones, so I won, but he was just a little kid so I should have let him be.” Fucking Bully.

Finally a Henry Kidd, from Nantwich, would like to ask the following, “What is it with clothes these days, people seem to be wearing clothes made from materials they found lying around the house. First it was the Germans and their tablecloths made into shirts, and now every female you see is wearing a blanket with a hole in the middle for their head. Whatever next? Ironing board covers as skirts? Where will this madness end?” Dunno, but I’m fairly sure that wherever there is madness, you’ll be there.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. They issue a top ten each year, but also keep a record of numerous fools that don't make the top ten. Each issue, I’ll give you two examples of people who really don't deserve to be alive.

(8 September 2002, Italy) "Hey watch this!" A 53-year-old Glasgow man, attempting what police describe as a bizarre stunt, attached a climber's snap hook to an unused overhead tram cable and attempted to manually ride down the mountain. But the mountain was steep, gravity was constant, and he was unable to moderate his rate of descent. He accelerated out of control, and within seconds crashed against the rocks, and proceeded to bash his way 200 meters down the slope before impacting a pylon. Reports state that several people attempted to stop him from riding down the cable. He should have listened to their advice. When he came to rest, he was DOA.

(8 February 1999, Georgia) Fred Brooks of Forest Park, a 46 year old plumber seeking employment, used shovels to remove a manhole cover on a street and entered the aperture. In Fred's haste to identify the source of a sewer blockage, he neglected to set orange warning cones. Upon exiting the manhole, he was struck by the undercarriage of an oncoming car, and was killed.

THE FICTION FACTORY

In doing so he shocked himself. How had it all come to this? What could he have done to have changed his circumstances? How could he have prevented himself from being here? Why had he fallen for Andrea or whatever her name was? He should have taken Stone Cold Steve Austin’s advice to don’t trust anyone.

With this thought, he stopped crying and felt himself change. He got off the bed and went in to the bathroom to wash his face. He also wet his hair and went with a purpose back into the main room. He got his jacket that he had arrived in and retrieved the third gun he’d acquired on the plane. He checked to see that it was loaded, made sure the safety was in place and put it inside his trousers in the small of his back. He went to the wardrobe and looked through for a jacket that would hang loose over where the gun was. He found a leather jacket and tried it on. Unsurprisingly it fitted him perfectly, whatever else Norbert was, he was certainly thorough and had an eye for detail he hadn’t encountered in anyone he’d ever met before. He checked himself in the mirror and could not see any tell tale signs of the gun, even when the jacket was done up. If he left it loose, it would easily conceal the weapon.

He went to the door and again studied the map of the complex, especially the main hall. There were another two exits marked on the plan besides the one he’d used previously. One to the right rear of the hall which led into the kitchen, and what appeared to be a fire exit on the left hand side about half way along. He could do with a proper look at them and he would get it at lunch, which if the clock in his room was to be believed was only a few minutes away. He checked that the gun was securely in place and retrieved his sunglasses as he could do without making eye contact with anybody. He put them on and looked in the mirror and laughed despite himself. He hadn’t realised it until he put the glasses on, but he was going to look like the ultimate man in black.

He left the room and went down to the main hall. None of the other ‘guests’ had turned up for lunch yet, and there were a couple of staff setting up the food on the buffet tables. He walked over to the kitchen doors and straight through them. He got no more than ten strides before someone shouted.

He turned his head to the general direction of the voice, while having a good look round, shrugged and then left.

Once out of the kitchen he smiled to himself, he’d found out what he wanted to know. There was a door out the other side of the kitchen, and also that there were about ten staff working there. It would be best to avoid using that as a route out. He wandered over to the other side of the room to where the fire escape was. He checked around the frame of the doors and didn’t find any sign of the expected alarm wiring, though it could all be on the outside. There was only one way to make sure of whether it was alarmed, and therefore he pushed the bar and the door opened. There was no sound, but that was no guarantee as the alarm could be triggered anywhere on the island. He stood outside and looked at the outsides of the doors, and still saw no tell tale wires, or any obvious sensors around the doors. He stood outside for a couple of minutes and then went back inside, and left the doors ajar.

He took a seat at the table nearest to the doors facing the main doors and went and got some lunch, watching people coming in, and eating. It was nearly two o’clock when Norbert turned up, followed by a couple of his goons, and up to this point there had been no sign of Andrea / Siobhan. He wondered to himself if she was still alive, seeing as she’d probably reached the end of her usefulness. To be honest, he didn’t really care. Norbert walked through the room, and glanced in his direction as he made his way to the little stand at the far end of the room. Once there he started speaking almost immediately.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. If you’d all like to make your way to this end of the room, then I’ll fill you in on the reason for you all being here, and what we have planned over the next couple of weeks.”

With this a number of people got up from their seats and started to move nearer to the speaker. He got up as well, though he ha no intention of going anywhere near Norbert, and he quickly slipped out of the fire exit and started to make his way to the secure building he’d been at earlier.

The Littlest Groom. If you ever wondered what happened to Dani Behr, then wonder no longer. Here she is presenting this reality dating show, The Littlest Groom. No G Man isn’t getting married, but a midget is. Cue a selection of midget women trying to win his affections and a dream wedding. No sooner had it started then a load of shorties got the boot, and they drafted in three normal women for no apparent reason. More cuts followed, and as we left it to catch match of the day 2, the dwarf with the decision had whittled the field down to three knee highs and a normal. Morbid curiosity should lead to having a look at the final episode. Catch it on Bravo at 10pm on a Sunday.

In the Newarkes stands the Newarke House museum, which as it stands today forms one building but is in fact made up from two separate buildings, Wygston’s Chantry House, and Skeffington House. They house the Leicester museum of social history, which is a very interesting and varied collection showing Leicester life gong back almost a thousand years. The two buildings have now been connected and it is possible to pass between them without realising which of them you are in. The gardens have been developed as well and they back on to the Castle walls / walls of St. Mary de Castro. Within these walls can be seen a number of Gun Loops (essentially holes in the walls that could be used to point guns out of). These gun loops were put into the wall during the English civil war in the 1640’s however this wasn’t the best piece of planning as the two Newarke houses would have covered any line of fire.

Built from approximately 1511 by the family of William Wygston, who was Leicester’s richest citizen, as a two storey building. It was built to house two priests (known as Chantry priests) who would have sang masses for William Wygston in the Church of the Annunciation of St. Mary that used to stand across the road where the de Montfort University Hawthorn building is today.

The church was disbanded and then destroyed just after the reformation in 1548, however the Chantry house survived and was used as a private dwelling right up to 1940.

In the late 1500’s a third storey was added to enlarge the dwelling’s capacity.

The building was damaged by a bombing raid by the German Luftwaffe during World War II in November 1940, and it was restored during the 1950’s.

Looking at the outside of the building signs can be seen of both the additional storey, and the restoration work.

Thought to have been built between 1560 and 1583 by Sir Thomas Skeffington. It was originally a stone built building and was only one room wide.

At various stages between it being built and 1790 it was added to and altered so that the accommodation was a lot larger and so that it offered more privacy with the addition of rooms to the rear of the house, and therefore not overlooking (or being overlooked from) the street.

The white (cream) stucco plaster that can be seen on the front of the house was added in 1790 to disguise the many changes and different types of brick and stone work, however the rear was not done in this stucco, and the stages of development, and the mix of stone and brickwork can be seen.

ON THIS DAY

Event – 1984 – IRA bombs Brighton’s Grand hotel, where the conservative party are staying for their conference

Well, not immediately, you will eventually of course, this probably won’t help matters.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, Floyd Patterson was the first person to regain the world Heavyweight boxing championship after losing it. The winner is a Frank Fitzfrederick, from Folkestone, who wins a year’s subscription to Ring Magazine. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, Which DJ used to be a drummer in the eighties group the Housemartins? First out of the hat on Wednesday 27th wins the Housemartins – Now that’s what I call quite good.

THE ROAST REPORT

New to this issue comes the roast report, in which a random reviewer reviews the Chez Woodheys Sunday roast. This time the review seems to have been written with deference to autistic eating practises.

Broccoli - nice enough but a little watery for my personal palate, could be avoided in future by using larger "branches" of broccoli.

Carrots - a little crunchy but it's touch and go to get these bad boys of the vegetable world spot on.

Pudding - too few (one each in fact) but nothing wrong in the cooking. Suspect they weren't homemade - perhaps this should be a future project for Mands?

Roast Chicken - very good, succulent and herbs complimented it beautifully. Would prefer a crispy skin on my chicken but beggars can't be choosers!

The Gravy - again, too little, but it was left up to a Monkey to finish off so maybe therein lies the problem. Could maybe suggest adding a little cream and mustard to the gravy in future and stirring it in the pan the meat is cooked in (not for the veggie's gravy though - obviously).

6/10 - some might say this is a bit harsh but Mandy has many years to perfect the roast and many willing tasters to help her on her way.

JOKES

A reporter from the Baltimore Sun gets an assignment to drive into West Virginia and do a piece on local mountain folk. Excited by the assignment he begins driving west. After six hours of driving the reporter stops for the usual gas and a cup of Joe. Across the street the reporter notices an old mountain man. Realizing this opportunity for a story, the reporter walks over and introduces himself. He than asks the mountain man if he has any stories that he could share - happy stories for instance. The mountain man leans back on his rocking chair takes a swig of 'shine and exclaims, "oh yah, there was this time I lost my favourite sheep" the reporter asks how could that be a happy memory. the mountain man said, "well me and all my friends got together and set out looking for her. When we found her we were so happy we drank a gallon of moonshine and took turns fucking the sheep. The reporter, shocked by the statement, explained how he couldn't possibly use that story and asked again for a happy memory. Once again the old man leaned back stroked his long white beard and said, "oh yah there was this time my best friends wife got lost." Nervously the reporter asked well what did you do? The old man said, "well all my friends gathered together we took a jug of shine and set out looking for her. When we found her we were so happy that downed that jug and all took turns letting her have it. It was great, one of my best memories." Again shocked by the story and becoming doubtful of a suitable story the reporter decided to take the interview in a new direction. He looked at the old mountain man and said, "why don't you tell me of a sad story this time." the old man leaned way back to a swig of shine stroked his long white beard and said, "Well, (long pause) there was this time I got lost..."

A nurse working in a nursing home was checking in on her patients late one night. She opened the door to Fred's room and to her surprise, she found Fred propped up in his bed, pretending he was driving a car. Nurse: Fred, what are you doing? Fred: I'm driving to Chicago! Nurse: Alright, you be careful and I'll be back in a few hours to check on you. Two hours later the nurse opened the door to Fred's room and he was still propped up in his bed pretending he was driving. Nurse: Fred, are you still driving to Chicago? Fred: Yea and I'm about half way there. Nurse: O.K. I'll be back later to check on you. Two hours later the nurse opens the door to Fred's room and he's still propped up in his bed pretending he's driving a car. Nurse: Fred, aren't you in Chicago yet? Fred: Just about, I'm on the outskirts of Chicago now. Nurse: Alright, I'll be back in a little while to see if you made it. The nurse then walks across the hallway to Mike's room to check on him. The nurse opens the door to Mike's room and finds him humping his pillow ninety miles per minute. Nurse: Mike, what the hell are you doing? Mike: Will you get the hell out of here! I'm screwing Fred's old lady while he's out of town!

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasn’t happening anymore. One day this girl decided to take a trip down town and as she was walking she came across a lingerie shop. so she walked in there a noticed that there were crotch less panties on for sale. She thought to herself " maybe these will spice it up a bit" So she bought a pair and went home. She decided to sit on the couch with nothing but these crotch less panties on and wait for her husband. She heard the jingling of keys in the door so she spread her legs. Her husband walked in and saw her. She asks him how his day was. He said "fine" She asks him " so do you want some of this" he replies Not if that what it does to your panties."

A guy wakes up on a morning with a hangover, so going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I mad a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did." "You got in an argument with your boss." "Well, piss on him!!!" said the guy. "You did. He fired you." said the wife. "Well, screw him!!!" said the guy. "I did." said the wife. "You're back to work on Monday."

This man awoke and he found himself on top of a cloud. He pondered for a bit. Finally he came to the conclusion that he died and went to heaven. He walked around for a bit and then he ran into this beautiful naked blonde. He thought oh yes I must be in heaven. They had sex for what felt like hours. After he walked around again then ran into this gorgeous naked brunette. Same thing happened they had sex for a long time. Then he walked around for a bit longer ran into a very good looking naked redhead, same thing happened. By this time he was so happy but there was a problem, he needed to take a dump so bad and he couldn't find a place to go. He thought for a bit and decided just to squat down and do his business right there on the cloud. He did. Then he was lost, there wasn't anything to wipe with. So what he did was just pluck a piece of cloud and proceeded to wipe his butt with it. All of a sudden he felt a huge punch right to his head.. he opened his eyes to see what hit him.. it was his wife she yells "What the hell is wrong with you, you fucked me three times, shit on the bed then wiped your ass with the sheets."

On the family farm, everyone was at the table waiting for the youngest boy to come in from outside. on the way in, he kicked the chicken...walked up to the pig and really gave him a big kick in the ass; then looked at that old milk cow; and kicked her as high as he could. then went into the house for breakfast. he sat down and looked at a bowl of dry cereal. no milk, or anything else. He says, "hey, where’s my breakfast!" His mother said, “you kicked the chicken; so no eggs for you....you kicked the pig; so no bacon for you....you kicked the cow; so no milk for you. Just then his father came into the room, sort of stumbled a little and kicked the cat. The little boy looked up and said: Mom, are you going to tell him or do you want me to?

A couple had just got married, when the bride became ill and needed a blood transfusion. Her husband gave her all the blood she needed, and she recovered. After a few years things began to fall apart and they went through a particularly messy divorce. At this point the husband demanded that he have his blood back. A couple of weeks later a parcel arrived. He opened it and there was a used tampon, with a note from his ex wife. "You can have your blood back, here's the first monthly instalment!"

A couple with a 10-year old son are sitting in their downtown apartment complex one day, when they both get REALLY horny, and want to make love. But they don't want their son to figure out what is going on quite yet. So the father yells out to his son, and says "Son, do me a favour. Take these binoculars, go out on the porch, and tell me everything that’s going on out there, and yell it out to us." The boy says okay, and heads out to the porch. Gleefully, the husband and wife leap up, and head for the bedroom for a quickie. Shortly thereafter, the boy starts reporting. "Well...there's an accident in the road. Some guy on a bike got hit by a car....Mr. Jones is cooking lasagne....The police are arresting a purse snatcher....The corner shop has oranges for sale...and the Richardson’s are having sex!" With that last part, the parents sit bolt upright and yell back "How do you know?" "Because their kid is on the balcony with a pair of binoculars, too!"

A teacher is asking the children what their fathers do at the weekend, and when it gets to Little Johnny, he says, "My dad works as a dancer in a gay bar, and if he wants the money he lets them bang him up the arse." The teacher is shocked and pulls Johnny to one side and asks him if it's true. Johnny replies, "No miss, he actually goes and watches Arsenal, but I was too embarrassed to say."

A Man and his wife are on their honeymoon. one the first night the man comes downstairs and says. I love to fish. who will come fishing with me. I will pay them £50. well, the night porter agrees, but on the boat asks. 'you are on your honeymoon. why are you not fucking your good lady wife in the cunt?' man replies. 'well, the lady, she has genera. and you know I love to fish.' next night same things happen. the night porter has been thinking about the man's situation and this time asks. 'you are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt, but can't you fuck her in the arse?' man replies. 'well, the lady, she has diarrhoea. and you know I love to fish.' next night same things. 'you are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse, but can't you fuck her in the mouth?' man replies. 'well, the lady, she has foot and mouth. and you know I love to fish.' next night same things. 'you are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse and the mouth, why did you marry this diseased bitch?' man replies. 'well, the lady, she has worms and you know I love to fish.'

A man goes into an antique shop in the city of London and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?" "£100" he replies. "Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat. As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous so he starts running. As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown. Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says "I suppose you want your money back?" To which he replies, "No, but how much for that statue of the Arsenal fan in the corner?"

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Due to the fact that Nez has difficulties finding his arse with both hands, there is none again, in fact whether there will be one ever again is a serious doubt.

RANDOM LIST

The only word to consist of just two letters, each used three times each, is "deeded".

The only English word beginning with the letters "tm" is "tmesis", meaning the interpolation of a word or words between the parts of a compound word. For example: "abso-flipping-lutely".

"Checkmate" is a bastardisation of the Persian phrase "shah mat," meaning "the king is dead".

1893 The first Ferris wheel was designed by George Washington Gale Ferris Jr in Chicago

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Antarctic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian Ocean, North Pacific, South Pacific.

SHITE’S UNORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Theydon Bois, Morden, Finsbury Park, St James' Park, Clapham Common, Stockwell, Canary Wharf, Bank.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Billie Piper – Girlfriend – Innocent SINDC 3 – Written by D. Rambo & J Richmond

Second single and second of three number one’s for Billie, who hit the charts as a somewhat ancient 15 year old (compared to G Man’s favourite, Jo Jo). She went on to marry the much older and rough looking Chris Evans (There’s hope for you yet then G Man.) This went straight in at number 1 and stayed for a week and the record buying public came to their senses and began this records 11 week slide down and out of the charts.

Roy Orbison - Oh Pretty Woman – London HLU 9919 – Written by Roy Orbison & Bill Dees

Five years into the Big O’s chart career, this was his third and surprisingly his last number one in a career that would span nearly 35 years, and wasn’t hampered by his death in 1988. Known for wearing dark glasses all the time, and probably the only man in history to wear them more of the time than Squirrel. This took a leisurely five weeks to reach to top spot and was only there for two weeks in an eighteen week run on the charts.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

In honour of the fact that, after a momentous 22 month reign as the alarm call for Squirrel, The Queens of The Stone Age’s No One Knows has been replaced by Deep Dish’s Flashdance. How long this lasts is anyone’s guess, but it will be hard pushed to break the previous record.

A chance meeting of two Iranian born American DJ’s, Ali ‘Dubfire’ Shirazinia and Sharam Tayebi, led to the formation of Deep Dish. They went on to become the top American remixing and production team before the arrival of the Neptunes, and founded their own Deep Dish Label in 1996. Along side the many remixes they have had chart they have hit the charts in their own rights numerous times, and are responsible for the Global Underground dance collections. In addition to Deep Dish Records they have another three record labels, mainly based in the US. They have won numerous Grammy’s for their work, mainly again as producers, but this years new release of Flashdance, featuring guitar work from John Allen, and vocals from the very fit Anousheh, has finally seen them crack the UK top ten.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight. Marilyn Manson – Personal Jesus, Deep Dish – Flashdance, Bowling for Soup – 1985, Dogs Die in Hot Cars – Lounger, Good Charlotte – Predictable, Hundred Reasons – How Soon is Now?, Salt ‘n’ Pepa – Greatest hits, Now 22, 24 & 42, Kelis – Tasty, Duran Duran – Greatest Hits, Surerandomality Album 2003, and the demos of Surerandomality album 2004.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

For those of you not exactly awake, the transfer window closes tomorrow at 12.45 pm. Any transfers received after this time will be disregarded, and you’ll be stuck with the original crap you started out with. You should all have had the updated player lists, and know that the original rules for the make up of the side are the same (£40m maximum, maximum of two from any team and 1-4-4-2 or 1-4-3-3 formations only).

The post transfer window table may be a couple of days later than usual, as all the transfers have to be put on first. If anyone has any problems with this, then fine. Do the fucker yourself.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	The Coffee Grinders	373
2nd	Poor Relations	347
3rd	Get in the Box, B1tch	334
4th	MUP(pet)S	331
5th	Mate's Saints	331
6th	Woodheys Wanderers	307
7th	Hit the Ref	307
8th	Fulchester United Reserves	306
9th	Woodheys Warriors	305
10th	Champions Elect	304
11th	Seek'em and Destroy	299
12th	It Worked Last Week	288
13th	Wednesday Wannabes Too	287
14th	Cherokee Hair Ultra Tampons '04-05	287
15th	Never Cisse's To Amaze	284
16th	Billy Bottlers	284
17th	Wenger's Nightmare	277
18th	Nati	276
19th	Happy Harry's Hotshot Hobos	271
20th	More Russian Gold	270
21st	Turkish Delights	265
22nd	Shhoooooottt!!! Yet Again	265
23rd	This Will Get Messy	263
24th	Boro	254
25th	Amy's XI	251
26th	Wednesday Wannabes	246
27th	Who Needs Henry, We've Got Shipperley	238
28th	The Third Wheel	238
29th	Kate's Kickers	226
30th	Leeds are Back (Sorta)	218
31st	Counter Attack	212
32nd	Fame and Fortune	211
33rd	Spank Me Frankie	200
	Table upto and Including 4th October

WACKY RACES

And with only one race of the season left this is what the table looks like. Strange as it may seem, but it is still possible for any of the top 6 to win depending on freak occurrences, however it is more reasonable to say that it is really between the top three, and an outside chance of 4^th to sneak it. With the last Grand Prix of the season coming from Brazil all the important action will be taking place next Sunday in the slot normally reserved for watching the Simpsons.

Position	Team Name	Points	GP Points
1st	07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob	12778	112
2nd	08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear	12755	102
3rd	04 - The Crimson Haybailer - The Red Max	12745	97
4th	01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers	12666	86
5th	05 - The Compact Pussycat - Penelope Pitstop	12372	87
6th	02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome	12280	87
7th	00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley	12072	75
	After Japanese Grand Prix

Race 1 Australian Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 759 points

Race 2 Malaysian Grand Prix 05 – The Compact Pussycat – Penelope Pitstop 748 points

Race 3 Bahrain Grand Prix 08 – Arkansas Chug-a-Bug – Luke and Blubber Bear 805 points

Race 4 San Marino Grand Prix 07 – The Bulletproof Bomb – The Anthill Mob 794 points

Race 5 Spanish Grand Prix 02 – The Creepy Coupe – The Gruesome Twosome 798 points

Race 6 Monaco Grand Prix 02 - The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome 747 points

Race 7 European Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 810 points

Race 8 Canadian Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 849 points

Race 10 French Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 862 points

Race 11 British Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 831 points

Race 12 German Grand Prix 08 - Arkansas Chug-a-Bug - Luke and Blubber Bear 890 points

Race 13 Hungarian Grand Prix 00 - The Mean Machine - Dick Dastardly & Muttley 844 points

Race 14 Belgian Grand Prix 01 - The Bouldermobile - The Slag Brothers 596 points

Race 15 Italian Grand Prix 00 - The Mean Machine - D1ck Dastardly & Muttley 800 points

Race 16 Chinese Grand Prix 07 - The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob 767 points

Race 17 Japanese Grand Prix 00 - The Mean Machine - D1ck Dastardly & Muttley 760 points

GOLF

Yes people, I know last time’s table was an aberration. I just never got round to changing an old table. Therefore this table is fully up to date after a number of games during the last fortnight. Including one round from The Chemist and G Man that they managed to “lose” the scorecard for, and have therefore by default picked up 50’s for it.

Pos	Player	Rating	Rounds	Total	Average	Lowest	Over 45	Under 45	Birdies	Pars
1	Hopalong	20.29	7	242	34.57	29	0	7	3	20
2	The Chemist	8.53	15	622	41.47	37	2	12	5	15
3	Ricky Organ	6.27	11	461	41.91	36	3	6	1	12
4	G Man	4.09	11	472	42.91	36	4	7	0	8
5	Squirrel	3.00	4	178	44.50	43	1	2	0	4
6	Dancing	-0.33	3	136	45.33	43	2	1	0	1
7	Dickie Boy	-17.00	1	60	60.00	60	1	0	0	0

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

The penultimate game of the season saw Hit The Bar in familiar territory - a mid-table position with a mathematical chance of promotion. The fact that they had to rely on the results of others, and beat the top two teams, meant that in this instance the word mathematical could be replaced by 'bugger all'. Having been previously trounced 13-0 by this week's opposition, Shera, HTB were looking to put up a bit more resistance tonight. A player shortage wasn't helping matters, with Organ back down south and Wes still injured. Turkish was in the middle of a Club vs. Career row, with the latter winning, which meant he collected the unwanted CAREER QUEER award. This left Squirrel, G-Man, Dancing and Nez available and the possibility of ringers being required. G-Man however had other ideas, and was putting his recruiting skills into practice. He soon found two willing victims to play (his work-mate's boyfriend, and his work-mate's boyfriend's mate - his work mate was a girl, and there was therefore no gayness involved). As kick-off approached, the two parties managed to identify each other and names were quickly exchanged - James and Coxy were to make their debuts. The game started well enough, with both the new boys neither excelling, nor looking out of their depth in this division 5 fixture. It wasn't long though before holes began to appear in HTB's defence, and Shera had soon scored 5 without reply. A well-worked goal, and a mysterious phantom goal meant that HTB went into the break 7-2 down, but with Nez struggling with a groin strain, which some reports have suggested was due to too much masturbation before the game. The second half saw Nez lasting only a matter of seconds before he was spent (not for the first time?), and HTB found themselves down to just 5 for the rest of the game. Strangely, this co-incided with a spirited fight back by HTB, and before long they had clawed it back to just 7-6 down. They had clearly over-exerted themselves though and were eventually broken down, before giving in completely, losing 16-7.

Squirrel - After a strangely exaggerated rating last week, his score returns to a more appropriate level this week. Made some great saves during the comeback period to keep the teams hopes alive, but was as powerless as the rest of the team to stop the shots in the final third of the game - 7

Dancing - After some twisted reporter gave him the gay award last week, he was on a mission this week. Got the team going in the right direction by getting both the first half goals and was looking sharp. Rapidly ran out of steam in the final ten though and denied himself starman - 7

Coxy - A useful looking player but is probably more at home on a full size pitch. Great at shielding the ball and was always looking for possession but didn't always use it that well. Got one of the goals and generally played well but also lost it in the final stages - 7

James - An unpredictable player who had mixed fortunes tonight. Was a valuable outlet throughout the game but was often caught in possession. Made some good passes, gave the team width, and managed to get a goal for himself - 7

G-Man - Made a slow start and often looked tired in the first half. The start of the second was a different story though and everything seemed to flow through him. Was instrumental in the team's comeback and got two of the goals. Battled hard but eventually gave in towards the end. Enough to edge it as SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Nez - Weakened before kick off by a wasp sting, he clearly wasn't in tip-top shape before kick off. Started reasonably but there were no tricks or goals. Pulled his groin late in the first half and had to settle for the frustration of watching his team-mates struggle without him - 5

Another season draws to the end and Hit The Bar find themselves again taking to the pitch with nothing much to play for. With 4th place guaranteed, 3rd place unlikely and the promotion slots of 1st and 2nd unreachable, it had been another disappointing season for HTB after a promising start. The opponents tonight were already-promoted Riders of Rohan. Hit The Bar's squad rotates faster than a fast rotate-y thing these days, and the line up saw Wes passing Nez on the way out of the treatment room, new boys James and Coxy returning for their second game, and regulars Squirrel, G-Man and Dancing also present. A steady start from both teams saw a couple of goals exchanged but with RoR finishing the stronger, 6-4 to the good. The start of the second kicked off the night's controversy, with HTB scoring straight from the restart but with the goal eventually disallowed by the ref as the ball was played forward from the centre. The rules apparently state that the ball must go backwards, unless it's a shot, with no mention of really bad shots that could actually be mistaken as passes. HTB continued to apply the pressure and soon had it back to 6-6, with a penalty helping matters. In fighting had commenced amongst RoR and things were hotting up. heir keeper then somehow injured his finger and eventually persuaded a keeper change, after several more volleys of abuse had been exchanged. Meanwhile, HTB were playing football and pulled into a 7-6 lead, but then lapsed to trail 9-7. An ice hockey tackle on James by RoR really stirred things up, with lots of pushing, shoving and mouthing off the result, including the subs who also felt the need to join in. RoR's keeper was sent off (having come back on in an outfield role, something not recommended for someone of his ability) and it was 5 against 4 for the final 5 minutes. With RoR in disarray (with one player being told he would never be invited to play again, and probably also ruling himself out of being invited to next week's birthday party, which everyone else would be going to), HTB looked to capitalise. Eventually they got one back, but a break by RoR saw them sneak away with a 10-8 victory.

Squirrel - If there was a part of his body that he didn't use to save the ball tonight, then that would be a surprise. Did well tonight from a variety of angles but didn't get involved in the second half fracas because of the sheer distances involved. - 8

Coxy - Played in a sweeper role for most of the game and certainly isn't afraid to get stuck in. Used his stocky frame well and chipped in with a goal. Was at the forefront of the rough and tumble and was probably lucky not to be dismissed, but did pick up the MOUTHY MUTHAFUCKER award - 7

James - Battled all night long but at times his lack of pace seemed to let him down. However, he top-scored with 3 including a well taken penalty and also earns points for his threats to lock up the opposition (he's a copper you know). Was responsible for spicing the game up nicely and earns SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Dancing - Enjoyed the freedom that came with Coxy playing at the back and got more and more involved as the game went on. Scored one, but needed to improve his shooting to get a top rating tonight. Some sterling leg-work to the car park and back earns him the rare SURERANDOMALITY BALLBOY award and he also becomes the 2nd player to break the 50 game barrier - 7

G-Man - Went about his business with reasonable aplomb tonight. Got a goal and was a general nuisance to the opposition all night long but did lose his man on occasion. Got reasonably involved in the fisticuffs but was surprisingly not the instigator - 7

Wes - Back from injury, he took a fair while to get going. Unleashed a few of the pile drivers but was suffering with accuracy. Finished off two goals well but didn't get enough to snatch the golden boot. Should be back to his best next week - 7

Nez 36, Wes 31, Dancing 19, G Man 19, Ricky Organ 13, Squirrel 10, James 4, Pete 3, Turkish 2, Matt 2, Coxy 2, Owen 1, OG 1, The Phantom 1.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	GD	PP	PTS
SHERA	14	12	1	1	178	79	99	0	37
RIDERS OF ROHAN	14	10	3	1	140	78	62	0	31
DEVOTE DESIGN WED	14	8	4	2	113	90	23	0	26
HIT THE BAR	14	6	6	2	139	120	19	0	20
ED DYNAMOS	14	5	8	1	91	84	7	0	16
VASKO DE GATLEY	14	4	9	1	103	136	-33	0	13
WOODSMOOR WANDERERS	14	4	10	0	86	172	-86	0	12
K F SOLDIERS	14	3	11	0	77	168	-91	0	9

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

With a clean break he should miss any crowding at the first bend and take control on the rails. Watch put for his fast finish.

FOTHERINGHAM’S SPORTING TRIVIA

Sweden hosts an annual sauna championships. Ari Petrof spent five hour and ten minutes in a 212f sauna to win the title in 2003.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

Very strange person alert - The infinite cat project. Click here www.privatehand.com/infinite/

Try out your soccer skills at the waste of a day that is www.georgiapacificsoccer.com/shootout.html

NEW If you’ve got a lifetime to waste try this lemmings type game www.jagex.com/fleas.html and never work again.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex Golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

Hit the Bar Top Trumps. Featuring the 24 players to have played for Hit the Bar so far. A snip at £2.50

COMING SOON Watch out for the second Surerandomality album, which is due out in the next month, the track listing has been finalised, and it is a more eclectic mix, after a strange year, all it’s waiting for is for the “artwork” (in it’s loosest sense of the word) and the sleeve notes to be written, but this year it will be on time for the 2^nd birthday and not Christmas like last year.

COMING SOON Series 2 of Hit the Bar top trumps, now with 28 players and new stats.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Dancing, Hopalong, Seeks & Terri-Ann.

West Ham United
Founded						1895
Turned Professional						1900
Admitted to the League						1919
Previous Names						Thames Iron Works
Nickname (s)						Hammers, Irons
Ground						Boleyn ground, Upton Park
Capacity						35,089
Previous Grounds						Memorial Recreation ground
Seasons in Each Division
1						40
2						34
3						0
4						0
Trophies
Division 2						1957-58, 1980-81
FA Cup						1964, 1975, 1980
European Cup Winners Cup						1965
Intertoto Cup						1999
Charity Shield						1964
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by the workers of the Thames Iron works in 1895, they joined the southern league five years later, when the changed their name to West Ham United, and they joined the league just after the first world war.
Synopsis - Major Events						Seem to have split their time between the top two divisions, grabbing the occasional cup win along the way.
Synopsis - Recent times						Managed to get into the premiership after the first season where they have stayed until 2003 without really doing anything.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Relegated from the premiership with the highest number of points ever in 2003. They were the last side to win the FA Cup with a side consisting of entirely English players.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
388	89		53		52			287		221		43		51		100		175		314		500
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		13^th		14^th			11^th		14^th		8^th		5^th		9^th		15^th		7^th		18^th