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Hit the Bar Vs Inter Pie N Chips
It's not often that late December heralds the arrival of a new football season, but this was the case as Hit The Bar lined up against the unknown quantity that was Inter Pie and Chips. Aiming to improve upon last season's seventh place (ok, second bottom), the team were keen to get off to a good start. As the match got underway, it appeared the opposition and the referee had been issued with a new set of rules which stated that all tackles should lead with the elbow, a follow-through was essential and the ball immaterial. With a squad of just five, Hit The Bar started strongly but tired quickly and did well to maintain a one-goal advantage for large periods of the match, especially as the team had accidentally agreed to the opponents continually swapping keeper. As the final whistle approached, with Hit The Bar one to the good, two things happened: the referee dug out his old rule book and began to award free-kicks, and Hit The Bar displayed their new-found gritty determination to cling on to a well-earned 8-7 victory.
Squirrel - things started ominously as an early ball trickled through his legs at 1mph, however he soon rediscovered his recent form and made valuable saves throughout the match to keep the team in the game - 7
The Chemist - slightly lacking match fitness, he mostly played a valuable holding role at the back and made some important interceptions. Scored a good goal but the rest of his shooting was often wayward and he was sometimes guilty of not playing the easy ball, although to be fair the options were often limited - 6
Nez - still a few lingering temperament issues as he understandably berated the ref for ignoring every highly illegal tackle. Despite this, he played well - scoring some excellent goals from distance, chasing down the opposition and encouraging communication within the team. Scored the winner, which helped earn him SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8
G-Man* - threw himself around the pitch with the aid of outstretched legs and timely shoves from the opponents. Displayed terrier-like aggression and was not deterred by the fouling bastards dirty tricks. Unusually only scored the one but played some good one-twos and set up a large number of the goals - 7
Dancing - was on the receiving end of a couple of punch-tackles (not a new type of tackle, but literally being tackled and punched at the same time) and was dismayed by the poor standard of reffing. Got in good positions to score and tucked a couple of them away. Was guilty being caught in possession too often though. - 7
* apologies from this reviewer who mistakenly implied in a previous report that G-Man had awarded himself the Star Man rating when this was not actually the case. Such an act would surely require an extraordinary amount of cockiness and arrogance. That reminds me, where was Ricky Organ this week?